AN- me finally revealing enzos true form
lmfao but it was so stressful bc although most of you got bad vibes, some people were like 'nah fuck jace i like enzo' when jace would be a dick and i was watching in agony like 💻🧎🏻♀️
also, cant believe some of u bitches thought enzo r*ped jace and that's why he didn't want him being with noah, JACE WOULD NEVER LET AN ABUSER GO NEAR HIS BBY PLS he just didn't trust him and was also jealous!! smh
btw just wanna add that whilst jace makes teacher x student roleplay jokes to piss off noah lol, it's not actually fr and i don't support weird age gap fetishes with high school students, it's gross, he's just mocking the porn category lmao. it's jace did you expect maturity from the biggest man baby alive (second only to corey and pace)
and ONE LAST POINT, sorry for the delay, mama was a tinsey bit hungover luvs xx but this is a giant shlong of a chapter so gimme a break... i appreciate the strength it took u all to wait though. i should make a pornhub vid called Arabella Edges Her Followers
okay now time 2 read buckle up sluts (theres smut btw. plus noah being a girlboss. tw/ bimbofication)
ribs- lorde (for laying in bed together <3 god im so alone)
I barely spoke for hours. It felt like an entire day of drama had passed, but it hadn't been long since everything went down at that dumb leaver's event. Meanwhile, I was being pampered by my secret boyfriend. And to be honest, I wasn't complaining.
I still wasn't over that word. Boyfriend. It'd rolled off the tongue so effortlessly when I was defending him to Enzo.
Enzo. That fucker had to ruin everything.
That was the second thing I wasn't over. How my close friend, one of Jace's best friend's had gone from loved to hated within a day. When thoughts of Enzo's hands on my body flashed back into my mind, I'd squeeze Jace's hand and nuzzle into his neck and he'd know that something was wrong. A year ago, we would have either laughed hysterically or been sick at the thought of us being so close. And yet, Jace knew that I needed him without me even having to say it. So as soon as I started to cry into his skin, he scooped me up in his arms and carried me to the towel rack. Wordlessly, Jace smoothed the water from my skin with the white material. It felt even more intimate from the last time he'd done it. Now, a towel drying my wet hair was closer to either of our hearts than even sex. He'd touched every part of my body, and yet brushing the water from my skin and wiping my tears without saying a word was as tender as a kiss.
After drying and dressing me in a pair of his boxers and a large, Jace-smelling white shirt, he pressed his lips to my forehead. "Up you get love," he said softly, and my heart almost broke.
"Love," I said with a sheepish smile. "You never say that. You sound like an English gentleman."
Staying on brand, he brought out the accent. "Only for you, darling."
Managing to muster a laugh despite the empty ache in my chest, one that was healing with every second I spent near Jace, I blushed and wrapped my arms around his neck as he carried me bridal style into my room.
"Wait, we're going to my bed? What if Lee comes in? Or your Mom?" I asked, slightly panic struck as he lowered me onto the soft teal duvet.
He drew the linen over me and ruffled my damp hair reassuringly. "They won't. My Dad told us all to give you space. They're just dying to bombard you with affection." I was extremely grateful for Darren's idea. The only person I could bear in that moment was standing in front of me in only a pair of tight boxers, and I wasn't too keen on sharing that imagery. "And even if they do, it will be fine," he said, brushing my cheekbone with his thumb and smiling softly enough that it broke me out of my thoughts.
"Why do you sound like you're planning on leaving me?" I said sadly.
He sighed and sat down on the mattress to place a kiss on my nose. "Because you need to rest."
I looked at him for a moment, my heart growing heavy. "You're scared that you're gonna remind me of him, aren't you?"
Jace swallowed, his vision wavering before he looked away in shame. "I just think you should sleep alone today. I don't want you to, but he hurt you, and-"
"Stay," I whispered, grabbing his hand. "Even if they see. Even if the whole world sees. I want- I need you to stay." His eyes watered before he stood and slipped into bed beside me, still hesitant to hold me. Resting my head on his chest, I saved him the crisis. "You're not him," I murmured. "Enzo or Coach Garcia. Don't be afraid of who you are to me, Jace. I know I'm not." It was true. Even though I felt shaken and traumatized from what Enzo had done, Jace made the pain go away. He thought that being a guy would make me afraid, but it was the opposite. Without him, fear was all I had.
He took one of my hands from his torso and turned it over in his own. I watched as his face grew shadowed by sadness, and when he spoke, his voice was quiet. Dejected. "You do this when you're stressed." His thumb brushed over the crescent shaped cuts in my palm from my nails that I'd subconsciously made when I was with Enzo, and his eyes watered again. "And you did it because of me, once. In the cabin. After I called you that disgusting name and made you cry... How do you forgive me, Noah? All I do is break you."
I frowned, leaning up on my elbows to look down at his perfect, sorrowful face. "All you do is fix me." When his bottom lip trembled, I kissed it. And when I pulled away, I smiled, as soft as the caramel in his shining eyes. "I asked you what was wrong with me once, and you said I was human. You're human too, Jay. And..." And I love you for it. "...And even the dark parts of you, the parts you got when you didn't feel loved enough or when that monster hurt you, even those parts of you are beautiful. I'm not gonna lie and say those things you said or did were okay. But I understand you now. I understand that you're not that person, and you've grown. That you're sweet and kind and caring, and the person in front of me, this incredible person with this incredible heart isn't someone I could ever be scared of. We aren't those kids anymore, the ones who'd hurt each other because we didn't know how else to be close. I'm just grateful that you chose me."
He looked up at me for a second before he spoke, his features brimming with emotion. "How could I not? There's no one else. There's nothing else like this. Like you." Still seeming a little unsure of himself, Jace kissed me as if he was shy for the first time ever. All of my sadness melted away, and I smiled against his lips. I loved him enough to forget that I didn't love me.
It was still tender and sweet, but I slipped my tongue inside of his mouth. He was taking way too long with his. I relished in the way it felt when we were exploring each other, without any fear at what we might find in the other person when we dug too deep. There was nothing we hadn't already found, so when I kissed him, it was like kissing the other half of myself; both a new and electrifying kind of magic, but as warm and familiar as coming home at the end of a terrible, tiring day to a bath and a boy with arms to be held by.
"You sure you're okay, Blue?" Jace murmured anxiously when he pulled away, our faces so close that I could feel the tip of his nose touching mine. He worried way too much about me, and I wasn't mad about it. So what? Maybe being someone's housewife had its perks.
"You sure you're not an idiot, Jay?"
He gently nudged me in the ribs, feigning annoyance. "Of course I am. But I'm your idiot."
I lowered myself slightly so I could nuzzle into his neck, breathe in the smell of him and think about finally being home. "All mine." Soon, there'd be no more Enzo. No more men trying to hurt us. Soon, it would just be him and I, even if our fantasy was almost over.
"You still haven't answered my question, though..." he prodded hesitantly, pressing his lips somewhere in my head of wavy hair without even thinking.
I smiled. "As cute as it is to see you being a worried girlfriend, you don't have to baby me."
"But you have the mental age of a three year old," he replied, pretending to be confused.
Ah, there he is; the sarcastic asshole Jace I love. He's lightening up enough to tease me again.
"Dick."
"Now is no time to be horny."
I grinned with my cheek pressed against his chest, and we stayed that way until I finally answered his concerns. "I told you I'd be happy again, as long as I have you. It's still difficult, though. Every time I think about what happened at the party and then today, I wanna break down." He rubbed my back soothingly, and I could imagine the worry on his face from where it rested on top of my head. "But... Dalia helped me a lot with my trauma from before. I think I can really be okay this time." He leaned down to pepper more kisses across my face, and I relaxed enough that all my pain nearly left for good. If anyone could make me forget the world was fucked, it was him. "Jace..." I mumbled, reluctantly changing the subject. "We still need to talk to the police."
He stiffened. "Look. That scumbag is probably fine, okay? We can leave it until you feel better."
"We left him in a really bad way-"
"Yeah, and he fucking deserved it," he said coldly. I looked up at him with concern, resting my chin on his chest until he softened with a sigh and ran his fingers through my hair. "I'm sorry. You're right. I just want you to feel safe, and going to court and having everyone know isn't gonna be easy for you, Noah."
I smiled sadly, my gaze flickering downwards. "I get it. He was your best friend. It must be hard to accept all this."
"What?" He said with disgust. "You think I'd actually defend him because of that? I'd go to Hell just to drag him down with me if I could." The corners of my lips titled up, and I used my thumb to smooth out the secret dimple that sometimes appeared when his own grin broke through. Even though the cocky bastard clearly realised he looked like a model, I wondered if he knew how truly beautiful he was. I wondered if he knew how breathless I became at the mere glimpse of his smile.
"Then we'll do it soon. And maybe... maybe you could join me. In court." He stiffened again. I was talking about Coach Garcia, and he was thinking about changing the subject. "I'm sorry," I sighed, pushing my forehead to his. "I shouldn't have brought it up."
He pressed a soft kiss to my cheek before turning to the ceiling with a hard swallow. "Don't be. I need to end it before he hurts anyone else. I just... the thought of people knowing... my family..."
Taking his hand, I stared at the ceiling with him. Just like at Helena's party when Enzo tried to hurt me- when he did hurt me, I imagined the white paint was falling snow. Before, I was alone in my imagination, picturing ice on my tongue instead of the alcohol in Enzo's. But this time, I wasn't being hurt anymore. I had Jace. So in my mind, we were together; we stood hand in hand under the clouds, mouth's open like little kids to catch every cold, cotton flake. It was a nice thought. That we could last till winter, even longer than leaves and flowers and all their roots. I didn't want us to wilt and die. But with his thumb brushing over my pulse, I felt a little more life flow into the love inside my chest. I knew with certainty that no matter how many seasons passed, I'd never stop holding onto the memory of him. There are some types of love you never outgrow. For my entire life, the list had mainly consisted of three people. My Mom. My sister. My best friend. Jace kissed the back of my hand, and the list grew a little longer.
"Dad and Katherine always hated the cold," I said quietly. "So me and my Mom used to drive out of the state on the first day of snowfall every year just to see it. It'd take a whole day to get to Colorado in December and we had to stay overnight, but it was worth it when I was a kid and snow was like, the coolest thing ever." When Jace smirked, I deadpanned. "No pun intended."
"That's a long way to travel just for some snow."
"Not to her," I said with a fond smile. "She said that beautiful things were worth waiting for." I looked at the side of his face for a little too long then. I'd waited my entire life to love Jace, in all of his beauty, and I could almost hear my Mom's voice saying, I told you so.
"I dunno," he mused. "You sure took your sweet ass time to stop being absolutely intolerable."
"Don't forget the sweet ass part though," I butted in. "It's a fact that shouldn't be overlooked."
He narrowed his eyes, pretending to be deep in thought. "Mmm, I think I'm gonna need a reminder. C'mon, nakey time." I almost punched him when he made grabby hands. "Daddy's hungies."
"How the fuck were we just having a serious, deep conversation, and then this happened?"
"You started it, you horny fucker. Now for the love of god, turn over, because I've been very good at not fucking you for a while now, and I'm getting sick and tired- Noah, why are you still wearing clothes?" I laughed and tried to shove him off when he nuzzled into my neck and did that stupid fucking baby voice that he thought was just hilarious, simply because it made me want to commit aggravated assault. "Nowah pwetty pwease. Daddy's gotta eat his dinnies."
"Fuck. Off. Because of this, I'm never gonna sleep with you. You're gonna die alone."
"Just a taste. Just a nibble. Just a wikkle monch." He playfully bit my neck, and I giggled embarrassingly before trying and failing to push his much stronger form away. "This is a teaching experience," he pouted at me. "Why aren't you sharing with the class?"
"The teacher student roleplay thing is never gonna happen, you pervert. Even if you wear a skirt and pigtails."
"But I've been such a good girl, Mr Quinn."
I thought being face-fucked by Jace had improved my gag reflex, but that last sentence made me a choke a little on the emotional shlong he just sent flying down my throat. "I think I just felt my dick shrink two sizes. Like a really fucked up version of The Grinch."
"I didn't think it could get any smaller. Fuck. Now it's gonna take me even longer to find it than usual."
I was a decent size considering the smaller frame of my body (Jace liked to say that I'd win awards if there was an Oscar's for twinks), but he pretended I had a micro-penis just to piss me off and rub in the fact that his dick was the size of Persia.
"Well, we can't all be as slightly above average as you, Jacob," I said with a falsely sweet smile.
Jace rolled on top of me in revenge and I wheezed out a 'fatass' as I shoved him. He laughed. I forgot to be sad and fucked up again.
After a moment of collecting our breath, our hands found each other again. "Was she right?" Jace asked. "Your Mom. About beautiful things being worth the wait, I mean."
He turned to me in the soft golden sunlight, his smile breathtakingly human. We were so close that I could hear the gentle thrum of his pulse, and my own smile was heavy with all the I love you's that I couldn't say out loud. "I'm starting to think so."
He closed the inch between us with a kiss, and I was overwhelmed with the desire to never grow up. If I could stop time and feel his touch forever, I'd do it. I'd do it in a heartbeat. "You're my best friend, Jay" I whispered against his open mouth, and I watched his eyes flutter open to look at me with all the emotion he was too afraid to put into words. I didn't mean the kind of best friend that Lee and Beth and Pacey were to me. I meant the kind of best friend that I'd hold hands with at the end of the world. I wanted to say, I've never known a love like this. I wanted to pull him close and whisper, I'd die for you. But instead, I brushed my lips over his eyelids the way he did when I was upset, put a hand to his face, and watched him start to cry.
"You go through Hell and back in one morning, and you still find a way to make me the sad one."
"Good," I mumbled, burrowing into his chest, content in the feeling of his arms wrapping around my waist. "You're pretty when you're sad."
He chuckled, the sound a deep and comforting thunderstorm in my chest. Then, he went quiet. I could picture the emotion in his brown eyes before he even spoke. "And you're mine, Blue." His best friend. His lover. The hand in his at the end of the world.
~~~
Days passed. I watched them go.
The entire family was tip toeing around me, giving me as much space as they apparently thought I needed. On one hand, it meant I got to be with Jace more. On the other, I kinda just wished they'd ripped off the band-aid and been obnoxiously supportive, like most old people who proved they weren't homophobic by ordering matching family rainbow t-shirts, or something like that. Monica made me pancakes every morning and then ran away before she could 'bother' me. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I stopped liking those when I was a grief stricken fourteen year old, and that I only ate breakfast when Jace was the one making it. Gay of me, I know. But I loved her too much not to stuff down every last bite; I just wished we could actually talk about it. The 'it' in question being the fact that I now officially knew what it was like to be the gay cousin.
My sexuality might've been the elephant in every single room to ever exist, but at least it was a very loved elephant. And on the plus side, I had the whole house to cling onto Jace away from prying eyes. But surprisingly, he was even clingier than me. I couldn't even go to the toilet without him hovering around like an emotional support dog. As annoying as he could be, it was unbelievably cute.
The only issue was Helena. As worried as I was about the gossip that was probably spreading like wildfire around my school, I had Jace's friends comforting me at every given moment. Marcella and Corey probably sent me ten texts/love confessions an hour, along with the one gruff text from Eugene that felt like I was witnessing a God given miracle. They'd all cursed Enzo to Hell ever since they found out, and Gene had silently processed the news with a stormy expression before vowing to gut him in his deep, assassin-esque voice. I was half aroused, and half terrified. Enthusiastically, Cella joined in with descriptions of torture that would give Hannibal Lector a hard on, but I shut them down. Enzo hadn't been seen since Jace practically broke his face, probably hiding out at home in fear that the cops were gonna show up at any moment. As long as he stayed out of my way, I'd deal with all that later. In the mean time, I was just terrified that Helena hated me. That was, until she showed up at my door.
I dragged myself out of Jace's iron hold, pausing our movie marathon much to his childish groaning, and opened the front door on a worried looking Helena Chang. "Hels!" I said, sounding like a squeaky twelve year old boy. "I mean," I corrected with a manly cough, "Helena. Er, hey. W-what are you... Do you wanna come in? Unless you don't. That's okay too. We have popcorn but Jace ate most of it so I, uh... I'm sorry, is everything oka-"
My Ted Talk was cut off when she threw herself into my arms. I stumbled back with wide eyes, before I eventually forced my hands to awkwardly pat her blonde hair.
"I'm such an awful bitch," she sniffled into my chest. "Do you hate me? You probably hate me. God, I deserve a punch." She pulled back abruptly, wiping her nose before grabbing my hand, forcing it into a fist and holding it against her smushed up cheek. "Punch me. Just gimme a good, hard punch."
"Dude," I breathed. "Did you take something?" I used my thumb to lift her eyelids up, checking her pupils.
"Yeah. I crushed up some self-hatred and regret, and then I snorted it." Her lips quivered as she studied my extremely confused face. "You should've just punched me."
"I... I don't get it," I frowned. "Can I apologize yet, or...?"
She looked at me like I'd just grown a third head. "Why are you sorry? I overreacted so much. I can't believe I yelled at you in front of everyone. I should've just pushed my feelings aside and been there for you, but no! I had to make it about me. I'm an evil, evil girl and I hope you never forgive me. Ever."
I blinked. "But... I led you on. I just took advantage of you liking me, and lied to you-"
"No, no, no," she groaned, burying her face in her hands, before fixing me with a desperate look. "I'm a hypocrite, Noah. It's okay that you lied, cause I lied too. I was just lying to myself, so I was angry and I had no right because-"
"But I should've told you I like boys," I interrupted, thoroughly lost.
She groaned again, slapping her palm to her forehead. "How are you not getting this?" Helena exclaimed. "I like girls, you idiot!"
We stared at each other for a second, before my mouth dropped open. "You what?!"
"I was in denial, okay? I was tryna convince myself I liked you, when I really... when I really liked a girl..."
"Yeah," I scoffed. "Story of my fucking life."
"I'm so, so sorry. I had no right to be upset with you when I was lying to you too."
"So we were both lying to each other?" I asked incredulously, taking both her hands in mine.
"The whole time," she nodded, before bursting out laughing.
I snorted back and had to rest my head on her shoulder. "Please forgive me," I wheezed.
"Bitch, only if you forgive me first," she replied, wiping her eyes. "I can't believe we were each other's beards. We're the worst."
"Right?" I pulled away from our hug with a grin. "So, who were you fucking behind my back?"
Her smile fell away instantly. "You don't know her. Wh-what about you?"
"You don't know him either," I lied back.
At that moment, Jace chose the perfect time to round the corner to the entrance where we both stood. Much to my horror, he was giving her his official patented Jace-Jackson-Death-Glare, and she was staring back at him like a rabbit in the headlights.
"You hurt his feelings, Chang," he said in a low voice after a tense pause. "So I don't want you in my house."
"We're all good now, okay?" I reassured, wanting to die of embarrassment.
She gulped. "I-I'm sorry. Really.
When he let out a humorless chuckle, still eye-murdering her with a stony look, I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I'm sure she's not confused at all over him acting like my fucking bodyguard. "It's all in the past. I swear, she's fine." He only tore his eyes away from Helena to look at me, his body softening in a way that I hoped was only noticeable to my vision. After a few seconds of searching my wide and pleading gaze, he nodded.
"No kissing," he growled at her. "Or touching. That shit's in the past too."
"Jace," I hissed, mortified.
"Don't be too long. I wan' a back rub." He walked away like what just came out of his mouth was the most casual thing in the world. In reality, it would have made more sense for a fucking UFO to beam us all up to space rather than have Jace, who Helena still thought of as my enemy by the way, ask me for a fucking back rub. Turning around to look at her bewildered expression was hard. It was even harder to think about what must've been going through her mind after seeing me practically control the resident bad boy with a few words.
"So," I started with an awkward and lopsided smile. "I can explain."
"You know what? I think I'm just gonna forget I saw that," she said, walking slowly backwards and jerking a thumb towards the door. "I'll, uh, see you." It was honestly the first time I'd seen pretty, popular Helena Chang awkward. Her skin was unusually pale, and it was probably to do with the fact that in her mind, me and Jace had been going at it like rabbits for god knows how long.
"Uh huh," I breathed out through a nervous chuckle. "See ya."
The second the door closed, I sprinted to find my phone and text her something along the lines of IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!!!! with a million emojis to convey my panic. It was resting on the coffee table in the main lounge next to Jace's open laptop. Huh. He forgot to shut it down. I didn't mean to pry, but the word STD practically jumped out of the screen and throttled me. His emails were out for all to see. He use's Yahoo? And he calls me a loser.
The top email was addressed to none other than JJ himself, from a doctor. All I needed to see were the words STD test negative before I was clapping a hand over my mouth and trying not to laugh. He actually checked himself for sexually transmitted diseases just for me? Considering it was Jace we were talking about, I was touched.
Until I noticed the other tab.
The sentence how the f- was cut off at the top of the screen, but my interest was too peaked to stay away. So, I clicked- to see Jace Jackson, formidable bad boy, coolest of the cool, notorious god in the sheets, had typed into Google, How the fuck do you have gay sex?
That time, I couldn't hold back my laugh. I fell straight on my ass, nearly breaking the MacBook in my hysterics. Imagining Jace watching gay porn and taking notes in a little booklet with a puzzled, studious expression was the funniest thing I'd ever fucking thought of. I could vaguely hear my name being yelled- he was definitely way too lazy to get up twice, no matter how many concerning noises I was making- and had to smother my desire to roll around on the floor wheezing so I could get to my loveable, idiot of a maybe-boyfriend.
"What took you so long?" He grumbled when I arrived in the home cinema. Luckily, he was sprawled on the couch and looking at the screen rather than me. I was busy regaining my composure.
"Talking, Jacob," I explained when I dropped down next to him, looking at him with wide eyes like I was speaking to a toddler. "It's something people with friends do."
He shoved some popcorn in his mouth, still refusing to look at me like an emo king. His brown hair was practically covering his moody gaze, too. All in all, he looked like a character about to inject themselves with a serum and start their villain arc. And he was like that because I didn't pay him attention for five seconds.
"For the last time, stop calling me that. Also, shut up. You were practically fucking her."
"Yeah, right there on the doorstep. Nice and rough. Good thing I don't have any sexually transmitted diseases," I said with a barely concealed smile, slowly drawing out the last three words.
He frowned defensively, but when I saw a flash of fear cross his features I had to hold back the hysterics for the millionth time that day. "What's gotten into you?"
"Nothing yet," I said with a wink. "If y'know what I mean."
His eyes widened and he lightly slapped my arm. "No, Quinn. No I do not. Care to explain, freak?"
"It's nothing. Absolutely nothing." I shrugged innocently, fixing my amused eyes on his sleeve as I picked at it. "Don't you worry your pretty little head, Jacob," I said, mussing up his hair with a sweet tone, just to annoy him. It worked. He elbowed me and grumbled something about killing me if I used that name one more time, but I was beaming with the knowledge that I had him in the palm of my hand. It was cute. And also incredibly sexy. I might have been shamefully submissive for him to my core, but knowing I was the only soul on Earth who could tell him what to do and leave with my limbs more or less intact was very, very enticing.
"Hey," I continued to distract myself from my erotic thoughts. "Why didn't you just call yourself Jake instead? Cause you kinda sound like a Marvel character. A hot one, but still."
"Jace is sexier. Do I really need to explain?" He drawled, but I could see the tips of his ears turn pink from my compliment. Aw. I did that. "Now just shut up and watch the movie."
I climbed into his lap so he could wrap his arms around my front, making me look tiny against his stronger form, especially given the fact I was wearing his oversized shirt and the pair of basketball shorts he gave me weeks ago. I dressed like him, I smelled like him, and as he rested his chin on my shoulder like it was made to fit inside the curve of my neck, I belonged to him. Leaning back against his chest, I felt him breathe in and out. Sometimes he'd move to shove some popcorn in his mouth, but he was always too distracted by the film to stop me from stealing the food until it was too late. That usually ended in a fight, where he'd tackle my giggling body from his lap and onto the leather sofa, blowing loud raspberries all over my face and neck. Which then usually ended in us making out. So naturally, I kept stealing the popcorn just to eventually get his sweetened tongue in my mouth. Everything came back to him and I, and it was the one labyrinth I never wanted to leave.
"Jay," I whispered, back in his lap and trying not to think about what my ass was pressed against. He just grunted in response, probably pissed that I'd interrupted the entirety of Notting Hill just to kiss him. I mean, it wasn't that I didn't love that movie. I just loved staring at Jace's side profile a little bit more. "Helena's gonna figure it out. You know that, right?"
"Yeah. But just now, I didn't really care about hiding it. I think... I maybe wanted her to know that you're mine." My heart beat a little faster, and as my back was to his chest, I figured he heard it. With his head poking over my shoulder, turning to look at him meant I was close enough to brush my eyelashes against his tanned cheek. And when I did, I didn't miss his own eyes drooping sleepily. He leaned into my every touch like a child finding comfort in their favourite blanket, or the arms of their family. It was strange how warm and safe he made me feel, and even stranger that he searched for that feeling in me too, even if he didn't show it. That was love, I guess. Finding home in the palm of someone's hand.
"Oh..." I pondered, fiddling with my hands. "That makes sense. Because it's just one person. It's not like everyone's gonna find out." I hoped he didn't hear the sadness in my quiet laugh, but the look on his face told me the opposite.
Jace
He was sad. I knew that, because it made me sad.
"What do you mean?"
"I just mean that we aren't ever gonna be together together, y'know?"
I fixed him in a stern gaze, but he was staring at his fingers the way he did when he went quiet. "No. I don't." When he stayed silent, I grabbed his hands, forcing one from the other and interlocking it with mine. "Noah," I said, commanding but soft. He looked at me with those big, worried blue eyes, and I leaned up to kiss the corner of his mouth, just so he knew we were okay. We'd always be okay. "What's going on in that pretty little head of yours, huh?" He smiled bashfully when I imitated his annoyingly endearing words from earlier, and it made me smile too.
"This... thing between us can't exactly go public, can it? I'm not complaining," he jumped in after seeing the slightly sullen, hurt look in my eyes. "I love this. I love..." he paused, craning his neck to lean his forehead on mine. You, I imagined him saying with a flare of useless, pathetic hope. "Us," he murmured instead, and I tried not to look disappointed. "But I get that you have a reputation and everything, and if your family knew... well, let's just say I understand. I'm not sad. So please don't take this to heart, okay?"
"There's no room in there anyway. You used it all up," I mumbled into his neck, using kisses as a distraction from the storm raging in my head.
Noah laughed softly into my hair, and I had to hold myself back from grabbing his face and suffocating him. In a sexy way. "Wow. That was awful. Jace Jackson, a hopeless romantic. Who would 'a thought?"
"Don't tell anyone. I'll kill you," I said, nipping the sensitive skin below his ear. His shallow breathing quickened as if I'd pressed a knife to his throat. As if he trusted me enough to let me kill him. That was love, I guess. Holding your life in the palm of someone's hand, and trusting them not to drop it.
"Kill me, then."
His voice was soft, and yet it cut to the bone. My longing was eating me from the inside out. I flipped him onto his back again, not being able to bear the feeling of his smooth, bare legs open wide over my lap. Seeing him all flushed and breathless, I wanted to bury myself inside him until I was breathless too. He was afraid of drowning. Looking at him, so was I. There'd been an ocean between us our entire lives, and after years of looking at each other from opposite ends, we'd finally braved the crossing. "Blue," I whispered, as breathless as I hoped I'd be with his legs around my waist. I wanted to tell him I loved him so desperately. I wanted him to know how full of him my heart truly was. I wanted to come up for air.
"Jay," he replied, removing his mouth from my jaw to caress my face, looking up at me like I was the first sign of land in that endless sea of ours. He was mine, anyway.
His dark eyebrows pinched together a little when I stared at him for too long without saying a word. "It's nothing... You just have really nice eyes."
Noah laughed again, and it was disgusting how effortlessly pretty he was. "I don't get why you love them so much. They're like, really average."
"Shh," I replied, staring into his dark blue iris's. "I wanna kiss 'em. Just-" I bit his shoulder playfully, and he giggled- "Monch. Gobble you up."
"Okay, you made it weird," he grimaced, before his lips tugged back up. "But it's not my fault I'm so perfect. Thank my Mom."
"Thank you, Willow!" I called out loudly, looking at the ceiling. I think he was a little taken aback that I remembered his Mom's name, but then he beamed. It made my insides hurt. I leaned back down to plant my lips all along his exposed skin. "Thank you." Kiss. "Thank you." Kiss. Right on his collarbone. "Thank you." Kiss. His cheek. It blossomed pink like a rosebud under my lips. I smiled as he giggled, before hovering over his delicate face to whisper one last Thank you. And then, I was kissing him properly, and he was sighing out a blissful moan into my mouth, wrapping his arms around my neck and saying, please.
He should've known. He should've known there was nothing I wouldn't give him.
"Please what, baby?" I felt his pulse jump at the nickname from under my lips, and I smiled into his neck before nipping the skin teasingly.
"Fuck," he breathed out in ecstasy, pulling on my hair to anchor him in place. "I honestly don't know."
It was so stupid, but we laughed anyway- stupid and loud and full of all the love I couldn't put into words.
It didn't take long to get back to the kissing. It didn't take long for my hand to find the waistband of his boxers either, travelling down until I had him gasping and dragging his nails across my shoulders. Noah was completely at my mercy, and I loved every second of it. Watching his eyelids flutter shut as my thumb pressed into the warm, weeping slit that hid below thin material. A cruel barrier, really.
Now slick with his pre-cum, I quickened my pace on his erection, my own pleasure rising with every moan that slipped from his pretty pink lips. Looking at him then, the emotion was overwhelming. I'd never met anyone that made me feel so alive. But he saved me from the pain by dipping his own fingers under my shorts, lower and lower until he was mirroring my movements. His hands were dwarfed by the size of me, and I drank in the feeling of how we just fit together.
We were both breathing heavily, hair slightly messy, groping wherever we could and grinding our hips against one another like the friction was a drug. It wasn't; but I couldn't say the same for how he made me feel. I reveled in the way that Noah whimpered when I moved a hand to his ass, tending to his throbbing shaft at the same time. He was a complete mess, but he was my mess, and I never wanted it to end.
Then, in a twist of events, the little shit squeezed my ass right back at me. My ass. Like I was some kinda pussy. And yet, the "Fuck you" I wanted to say just turned into an embarrassing, breathless, "F-fuck," because he was touching me and I was shuddering and it was unbearable in the way that felt way too fucking good to be legal, and also kinda made me wanna kill him in his sleep. Removing his grip from my erection, I pinned his arms to his side. "You are not making me cum first," I practically growled, nipping his skin and eliciting a whine that went straight to my cock.
"Again, you mean," he said with an evil yet strangely appealing smirk. "Don't think I forgot about the restaurant, when you creamed your little panties just from seeing me-" I slapped a hand over his mouth, muffling his giggles with a stern look on my face.
This bitch.
And yet, the memory of Noah moaning with a vibrating buttplug in his hole was enough to cloud my thoughts and pull me to the brink. As if sensing my arousal, he jutted his hips upwards and my resolve crumbled. Our lips crashed together in one last hot, messy kiss before Noah's entire body contorted, biting his lip to stop the scream I could practically feel waiting behind his tongue. Riding out his orgasm, he fumbled to help me chase my own. His hands slipped to cup my balls and he pushed his thumb into the skin behind them. I fought for words, but none came out. Only a needy and emasculating moan escaped me as I came half in my pants like a kid in his bedroom, and the other half on Noah. Seeing him lose himself beneath me was fascinating, timeless, and probably the most beautiful sight in the world. Apparently, from the dazed and slightly hungry look in Noah's deep blue eyes, he was thinking the exact same thing about me. So, as punishment for acting like he wasn't a complete submissive to my every desire, I decided to show him just how fascinating I really found getting him off, and continued my attack on his slick member. "Oh God," he moaned. A prayer. A plea. But the ground underneath my body wasn't a land of mercy. I'd crossed that border, and he was the writhing victim paying the price. "It-it's too sensitive- shit, Jay- shit." He turned his angelic face to the side, pushing it into the soft leather until his loud begs were muffled. My insides were hot. He, on the other hand, was burning.
I couldn't tell if it was merciful or cruel when I pulled my relentless hand away, letting his oversensitive cock rest. When I pulled him up into my lap again with heaving pants, he slumped against my chest, eyes closing in exhaustion. He sighed-relieved- but I didn't completely buy that he hadn't liked it, that some, exciting part of him had been disappointed that I'd took pity on him. Maybe I'd have to see just how many of his borders I could cross.
We still had hours before my family got back home, and the lack of rush and movement had my mind whirring away from pleasure and onto pain.
"This... thing between us can't exactly go public, can it?"
That's what he'd said. And despite reassuring me that it was fine, that he didn't care, that he wasn't sad, a voice in the back of my head was screaming a warning. It's not fine. He cares. He's sad.
Did he actually want to be proper, genuine boyfriends? Like, the holding hands in public boyfriends, and the nice, anxiety-free date night boyfriends, and the family Christmases boyfriends, the posting pictures on our couples holiday boyfriends, the possibly forever kinda boyfriends?
Surely not. I knew Noah hated attention.
Unless, when it came to me, there was a possibility that... he didn't.
I gazed down at him. His soft, sleeping features were pressed up against the wall of my chest like a child at a car window, and I realised that I missed him. Even though he was right there. I'd missed him my entire life without knowing why, and I missed him even when we were laying in bed or kissing or letting the word 'boyfriend' slip like we really meant it. It was just a made up word, like I, and love, and you. But the voice in my head kept getting louder, and I knew then how much he was hurting to think that I was too ashamed to call him mine. I get that you have a reputation, he'd said. As if he didn't matter at all. As if he was just a second choice, an afterthought, something on the side to make me happy until I got bored and left him behind.
As if he wasn't worth more than my whole lonely, heartless life put together.
Because truly, I wasn't lonely or heartless when he was around. Loving him had been like finally finding the light switch in the dark that I'd been blindly searching for all my life.
Okay- so Noah might have been onto something with the whole 'hopeless romantic' thing. Even if it was a totally sickening accusation.
But although he was sleeping, I remembered his eyes always. Not just how safe and at home they made me feel, but the feelings I saw reflected in them. I hadn't realized it before, but he'd been looking at me for a long time like every kiss was gonna be the last one. Behind his smiles and laughter and gentleness, there was a sadness lurking there, looking at me and saying, I know how this ends. It was born with the death of his Mom, and it hadn't stopped following him since. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to make love to him. I wanted to cry, and then kiss him until we both forgot what air was, and then I wanted to say I love you, idiot! I love you, and I'm not leaving! I love you, and I need you, and I can't stand the adorable way you fucking scrunch up your nose when you laugh or sneeze or disagree with something I'm doing.
But the doubt was all Noah could understand; so I looked at him, sleeping in my arms and holding on tight like he already thought I was leaving, and I heard sadness say again, I know how this ends.
"It doesn't have to end," I whispered back. And no matter what happened, I wasn't going to let it.
~~~
Noah
After a week of pretending everyone wasn't gossiping about me, I decided to go to the last party before college, the one that was always hosted at school right before the year's final football game. I was aware how deranged of a plan it was, right after I'd just been outed at the same school I was about to revisit. (Seriously, why do people wanna hang out there so badly? We graduated. We're finally fucking free.) My anxiety was screaming at me to just curl up in a ball and ignore the presence of reality for as long as possible, but when I woke up next to my half naked, extremely fucking hot kinda-boyfriend, I decided it was time to unapologetically become a bimbo. I mean, part of the reason I was putting my high heeled foot down was because my friends were driving me slightly insane in an attempt to make me feel better. Only the day before, Corey and Pacey came round and gushed about coming to Pride with me in solidarity, followed by a clearly rehearsed fist pump in the air. As sweet as they were, I really needed to face the music. So what if Colton and his white bread ass thought I was a disgusting pervert? I'd fucking give him a disgusting pervert.
"You're insane," Jace said in awe as he watched me get changed. "Incredible and hot, but completely fucking insane."
"And you want me so fucking bad," I muttered with a brand new air of confidence, appreciating my ass in the full length mirror. Our eyes met appreciating my ass, and he glared at me before throwing my duvet over his head.
"Shut up, bubble butt. I'm going back to sleep."
I couldn't help but smile at myself. Marcella had lent me her wardrobe in energetic support of my slutty plans, so I kinda looked like a goth girl; but I'd be lying if I said it didn't work. I had the same leather boots from the night I practically dommed Jace, now with the addition of ripped black tights. On top of that I had a fucking skirt, plaid black and pink to match the top I was wearing for the second time, the same one I'd worn for Jace that said 'I know I'm perfect, stop staring!' in sparkly bubblegum writing. I was way too self conscious to wear shit like that usually, but my biggest secret had been revealed. If everyone expected a raging homosexual, I wasn't gonna hold back. So, I added some subtle smoky eyeliner and prepared to ruin my own sanity.
A knock on the door had Jace falling out of bed and scrambling into the en suite, right before his Mom entered. Her tentative smile fell agape as she surveyed my outfit. "Wow. Hey, Avril Lavigne." Both Mother and and son had called me that. Honestly, I was starting to consider being a hot emo girl full time.
lucy dacus- my mother and i
I blushed furiously, and reconsidered my entire plan. "Uh, it-it's not what it-"
"As a responsible adult, I'm concerned. On the other hand, I love it." Her laughter faded into a simple look of affection, and she took my hand. "Noah... we haven't really talked about what happened. Me and Darren wanted to give you space, but I just need you to know that I'm here for you. No matter what." Looking at her kind face, all I could do was swallow hard and nod. She took my hand and led me over to the bed so we could sit side by side. "Also, I thought you should have this. I was saving it until you went to college, but I think your Mom would want you to have it during the hardest times. You know?" Monica handed me a small, old tape. Written on it with faded marker were the words 'Moni and Willow's roadtrip mixtape', and I almost started crying.
"And you decided to do this on an eyeliner day because...?"
She laughed, her own eyes wet at the mention of her late best friend. "Because she loved you. And she would have been so proud of you, Noah." I buried my face in her shoulder before I could fall apart, and she stroked my hair in comfort. "I know I am."
"Okay," I said abruptly, looking at the ceiling so my sexiness didn't melt away with my barely held back tears. "I'm gonna go before I start crying."
"Good idea," she replied with a bleary laugh as I put the mixtape away.
I looked at her, and finally managed to say it. "I love you."
She blinked tearfully, looking a little stunned before her eyes went soft with adoration. "I love you too, Noah." My hand tightened on the doorknob, along with my chest. It had been a long time since anyone- other than my friends- had said that to me. I left with a smile, one that I couldn't have faked if I'd tried.
~~~
boss bitch- doja cat (now the emotional moment is over, time for girlboss noah! LMAO this part has me screaming i hate this mf twink)
Lee had already left, so I convinced a grumpy Jace to drive me on his motorbike with the simple art of seduction. He pretended that my outfit had no effect on him, but every time I swayed my hips in my short skirt, I could see his eyes darken. And given the fact that he almost fell over when I slung my thighs over the backseat, purposefully giving him a show, my hypothesis was correct. Every day I'm with this horny asshole, I stray further from God.
No one could tell it was Jace under his helmet, but when I pulled up on a fucking motorbike outside the busy exterior with my arms wrapped around some leather-clad sex god, people stopped and stared.
"Wait," Jace hissed desperately, grabbing my hand when I swung off the side. "You can't do this when I'm not there! You look, like, really fucking sexy."
"Aw. You're cute when you're jealous."
I couldn't see his face, but I knew it was panicked. I had to bite my lip to stop my satisfied grin. "Can you blame me when you look like that? Everyone will wanna fuck you."
I smirked, looking him up and down. "Good."
I left a dumfounded and half hard Jace to sit and fume silently about how hot I was as I strutted up the steps. Maybe now he'll stop being so sweet and considerate and just rail me already.
People were talking. Looking at each other in shock, then back at me, then down at my body. I didn't care if the whispers were of disgust or admiration when at the end of the day, I was the one getting supermodel dick. I walked past a group of jocks and heard the words, "I'm not gay, but..." and when I walked past the cheerleaders, I heard the word 'Peg'. Brandy slapped a hand over her mouth. Chesca let out a laugh of disbelief, like she was actually impressed, and I smiled at her cockily, much to her best friend's confusion. My own best friend's jaws were hanging open where they stood by the lockers, and I ended my slut parade. I barely acknowledged them at first, enjoying the way Lee's mouth was opening and closing like a fish.
"So Marcy's outfit worked, then," Helena muttered, her eyebrows raised. "Damn. I can't believe we've made out. Why did you have to be gay, you selfish dick?"
"Says you," I replied sweetly. She gave me a death glare.
Beth laughed with sheer delight, still taking pictures of me. I assumed she filmed the whole thing, and it was almost certain that she'd sent it straight to her new favourite Jackson brother. "Incredible. Beautiful. Serving cunt."
"Bro, I kinda want you," Pacey said with an amazed look on his face. Beth opened her mouth to complain at his statement before she cocked her head at me, came to the same conclusion as him and shrugged, staying quiet.
"I know," I sighed jokingly. "It's hard being this irresistible."
"God, you sound like my brother," Lee grimaced, still looking a little pale. Me and Helena made eye contact, and I cleared my throat. Luckily, he continued before I had to change the subject. "What happened to anxious little Noah, huh?"
"He got some dick, that's what happened," said Bethany from behind me as I started walking again.
I almost bumped into a letterman jacket, belonging to my least favourite generic white boy. With a bored, unimpressed expression and the quiet rage of a thousand bottom's, I stared up at the disease that was Colton.
"Hey, cocksucker. You look like a gay fucking perve-"
"Move on, Colton. I'm not gonna sleep with you," I said, walking past him without sparing another glance.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him fumbling for words, which alongside my friend's loud wheezing was rather stunning imagery. But I had places to be. Destroying homophobes would have to wait.
Parties hosted at school weren't really parties, seeing as the teachers were trying and failing to blend into the crowd, and no one was snorting anything. Honestly, most senior's just showed up to see the game afterwards. So, I took it as the perfect opportunity to ignore the evil notion of 'socializing', and instead, went to see the Principle. As worried as I was, all I could think about was how Jace was missing out on making teacher student roleplay jokes. It had only been about an hour, and I already missed his dumbass.
Principle Winters was a kind man, with white hair, aged dark skin and caring eyes; but walking into his office in a fucking femboy outfit wasn't exactly the highlight of my day. He was looking at me like how I looked at Palcifer when he purposefully pissed himself in my bed- with an expression that said, I'm disappointed, and only vaguely surprised.
"Sup," I said awkwardly, plopping down in the chair opposite his desk and trying to pull down my skirt. Sup?! Shit. Corey's getting to me. "I mean, uh, hello. I'm sorry. This is bad, right?"
"You're violating just about every guideline we have," he said tiredly before leaning back with a sigh. "But, considering everything you've been through in the past week, I'm gonna let it slide. As long as this never happens again."
"Yes sir," I said like a soldier, instantly cringing at my inability to act normal.
"It can't have been easy for you, son. I hope you know I don't tolerate bigotry in my school. So if you have any knowledge on who did this-"
"Actually sir," I said quickly. "I do." I pulled out an envelope from my bag and placed it on his desk, making him frown. The night before, I'd got Jace's permission to write about everything that'd been done to us. Including the information on Coach Garcia. It was an anonymous account, but the accusation alone would be investigated by the police. I knew Winter's cared enough to take it seriously, and I figured it would be better for both of us if we got him involved, rather than just reporting the abuse ourselves. As fucked as it was, an adult was more likely to be listened to than two teenagers. "This envelope has everything, sir. I don't particularly wanna go to Court, but you need to call the cops." I looked at him sadly, and he gave me the same look back.
"Thank you, Noah."
I smiled, a weight lifting off my chest. "You're welcome, Principle Winters." I didn't know what was gonna happen to Enzo or Coach Garcia, but I knew that Jace and I were safe, and no one was going to hurt us like that again. I had him, and he had me. That was enough.
~~~
We ditched not long after, eating fast food in the parking lot outside the football field. But the only thing on my mind was something beginning with J and then ending in sex after I inevitably lost my train of thought. I loved hanging out with my friends despite being a total recluse, but when you're head over heels for someone, it's kinda hard to think of anyone else but them (and the incredible things they can do with their tongue).
The worst part was that I'd probably only get an hour with him later after the game. We couldn't exactly slip away either, seeing as Lee was trying out as kicker; which, by the way, was the funniest imagery in the world.
After Pacey made fun of him for the fifth time that night, Lee threw a fry at him from the backseat. "You're all so mean to me."
Beth laughed through a bite of her cheeseburger. "You're gonna look like you're in a Porno. 'Cute twink gets fucked by football team'."
"First off, I am not a twink-"
"That's what I used to say. And now look at me," I cut in, popping a few of Lee's fries into my mouth with a knowing look.
"Second off," he continued with a glare in my direction. "Stop talking."
"Try not to cum," Pacey continued in a dramatically seductive voice.
"Please, make it stop," Lee cried, head in his hands.
"Hot Lee's near you," I added with a grin.
"No. No, no, no, no-"
"Don't let your wife see this!" Beth gasped.
Helena came back to the car with milkshakes in a cardboard cup holder, surveying the atmosphere with an innocent look. "Wait. Are you guys making fun of Lee without me?"
He shot daggers at all of us, before furiously nibbling on a fry. "I hate all of you."
We decided to go back to the house quickly to freshen up (or in my case, to hook up), and as soon as we arrived, I announced that I needed the toilet, giving Jace a quick look. Five minutes later of me pacing the room, the bathroom door opened. I dragged him inside before he even had a chance to move, and in seconds, his mouth was on mine. Hungrily, we devoured each other. "You looked so fucking good in that skirt," he growled into my neck. "You're a little extra sometimes, but fuck it was hot."
My laugh turned into a moan when he nipped the sensitive flesh below my ear, and I wrapped my arms around his neck to tug on the back of his hair. "There's more where that came from." He hummed in approval, strong hands roaming everywhere. I leaned in close to whisper something that made his body go rigid. "Does it make you wanna fuck me?"
Jace pulled back, the lust in his eyes threatening to crumble his thinly veiled resolve. And then, they softened. My eyebrows furrowed when he cupped my cheek, kissing me with a lot less fire and a lot more feeling. "It makes me wanna do so much more than that, Blue."
~~~
The football field was large, the bleachers packed, and somehow I was getting the most attention. Okay, not somehow- I did kinda turn up to school looking like a 2000's scene queen. But even in my much more modest knitted sweater and boyfriend jeans, I could feel people's eyes on me as we navigated our way to our seats. The only thing was, most people didn't even seem disapproving anymore. It was like they respected me now, or at least, the ones who didn't believe I was an eternally damned slut, and all that. "Didn't I tell you you're popular now?" Helena smirked, looping her arm through mine.
"Just give him time, Hels," said Pacey, tugging on Beth's hair. "He's just so used to being bullyable."
"He's still bullyable," she added, swatting his hand away.
"Thanks guys. Appreciate it."
We were right at the front, only a few rows up so we could see our favourite little NFL star in action. He waved to us excitedly, and the only one who didn't pretend not to know him was his Mom. Even Darren, Mr Sports Enthusiast was having fun picking on Lee. We loved him and all, but he really did look about 5'3 in his giant football uniform.
Jace was nowhere to be found, and for a second I panicked that he was beating up Coach Garcia in the locker room. That was until I saw the game's Coach was a substitute. I smiled. Principle Winters must have already taken action.
As much as I longed to have Jace near me, I knew it would be too distracting. I'd be staring at him, completely missing my best friend's game, and he'd be finding some way to grope me through the seats. But I missed him. Every second I wasn't with him, I missed him. Ew. Love makes you pathetic.
taylor swift ft bon iver- exile (simply for the climax of this song and also to continue the taylor theme for our fave white boy)
The whistles blew, the game started, and Lee was actually... good. Of course, he wasn't in with the other players. If he was fighting for the ball like the 6ft-something others, he'd literally break his back, but his kicks were strong and precise. Cheers erupted around us whenever he did something and we screamed the loudest of them all, even though I had zero idea what football was about. Monica was crying, I was actually impressed, Corey was stuffing a pretzel in his mouth and looking a little lost, Eugene was surprisingly vocal and focused even though I wouldn't have taken him for the Sports fan type, and Jace was still nowhere. I hoped he was watching from the side lines. Even if he and Lee always fought, he would be proud of his little brother. And I wanted Lee to know that he was, too.
We won. Corey woke up from his nap. We yelled and cheered and Lee beamed as the jocks, his complete opposites who'd given him a hard time for wanting to join, embraced him. Everything was good, and I felt happy again. My happiness only grew when I watched Jace jog onto the field to pull his brother into a hug, who returned it enthusiastically. But my smile started to fade when Jace went over to the school band, said something to them, and then took the microphone they were using to enhance their performance.
"What the hell's he doing?" Marcella asked from her seat beside Helena.
I frowned. "I... I don't know."
Jace tapped the mic until the excited buzz died down. "Thank you," he said when everyone was watching him stand in the middle of the field to do God knows what. "So, uh, just wanna say congrats to the team. And my little bro. Proud of you," he said, looking at Lee who grinned in response. I joined in on the applause. So that's what this is about. He just wanted to congratulate them in the most obnoxious way possible. Makes sense. "Except, that's not what I came here to say," he continued, once the crowd had died down again. Oh. "So... here goes nothing." He looked nervous. Jace Jackson was never nervous. "I'm sure you're all aware of the photo that went around a week ago, of a boy from this school kissing... another boy." Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. People were whispering, sparing curious glances at me. I shared their curiosity, along with my friends- except mine was a little more like fear.
"Wait... why is he talking about you?" Pacey asked me with a frown. I couldn't even respond, too busy trying to get my lungs to work.
"And... no one could see who that other boy was," Jace continued. It had to be a joke. There was no universe where he'd ruin himself in front of everyone like that. "I'm sure most of you think you know me, but I'm standing here to introduce myself for the first, and last time." It wasn't a joke. He looked at me, and I knew. It wasn't a joke.
"My name is Jace Jackson, and I'm in love with Noah Quinn."
The world fell away.
I was vaguely aware of the wave of shock that rippled through the crowd. I could distantly hear my friends saying my name, see people looking at me, feel the hands shaking my shoulders; but there was only him. His eyes held onto mine and refused to let them go. Even though I felt like crumbling, he kept me rooted in place, and soon the world was a blur of faces that I could no longer recognize. Only he remained, a constant in the tangled knot of my life. I loved him, he loved me back, and I was falling all over again.
"I know this is, uh, a surprise," he continued after tearing his gaze from mine, making the hushed noise die down again. "Believe me. I was surprised too. But we don't get to choose who we love. And loving Noah is the easiest thing I've ever done." I could feel Bethany squeeze my hand, but I couldn't respond. All I could do was watch him reach into my chest, grab my heart and call it his.
"We don't seem like we make sense, but I think I was made to love him." And I think I'm going into cardiac arrest. Oh god, this is how I go. "Noah is sweet, and kind, and caring. You get a scratch and he brings out the first aid kit," Jace said with a fond, emotional smile. "He's funny. We laugh together so much that I feel like a little kid again. I just wish we hadn't wasted so much time hating each other, when I could have been hearing him laugh. It's not that hard, trust me- he's extremely ticklish." The crowd's aww's turned into chuckles, and I smiled through my emotion and labored breath. "He's beautiful. And he sees beauty in everything, too, even when I can't. Plus, he has a really nice ass."
Although some people were probably appalled, specifically the parents, I heard raucous laughter break out around me. Despite my burning embarrassment I laughed too, half into my hands, because people were looking at me and I wanted to erase myself from existence. I wiped a tear while Jace grinned back at me as if to say, What? It's true. Knowing him, he'd probably been waiting the entire time just to slip that fun little detail in. Of course, Marcella had to make it worse by whooping her agreement. The others would have joined in, if they didn't look like they were having Vietnam flashbacks with the information they'd just received. Still, I made a mental note to punch her later.
"So, I've given up caring about what people think of me, or us, and who we are to each other," Jace continued when the noise lowered. "Because he... he is everything. Everything." The last word was a broken whisper, but I heard it. I saw his shining eyes as they poured into mine love and longing and all the things we'd never said out loud. "And I'm standing here and telling you that I'm not ashamed. That I'm sick of hiding you, and pretending like you're not the reason I get up every morning. You are it for me, Noah."
Slowly, I rose from my seat. People were staring. A teary eyed Monica, a shocked Darren, and my friends, asking me if I was okay while I walked towards the one place where I'd always be okay. He didn't stop talking, and I didn't stop watching his eyes follow me as I took step after step towards the rest of my life.
"And maybe I'm still just the selfish kid I used to be, 'cause I'm begging you to love me back in a place where you can't say no, where I can't leave heartbroken, and I can't end up spending the rest of my life searching for you in other people. But I don't care," he said, on the brink of tears. I was far past that point. "Because I'm selfishly, hopelessly, and completely in love with you." I almost laughed again. It was like a stupid rom com and Jace was the bad boy turned hopeless romantic, doing something dumb and lovely like filling a room with yellow daisies just because I liked the color. And honestly, as terrified as I was, I couldn't have loved him any more than I did in that moment.
He scratched the back of his head bashfully, watching with hope as I crossed the field towards him. "You kinda taught me how to love, so- fuck, I didn't really think this through, and you're, like, probably super fucking embarassed- I'm super fucking embarassed, and I... I'm not that good at this romance stuff. But what do you say, Noah? Are you in?"
I stopped right in front of him, staying quiet for a moment. He looked scared until my lips curved into a smile. "I'm in." And then, I grabbed the front of his shirt, and kissed him.
Our lips melted together perfectly, my body slotting against his like I was a long lost part of him. I could hear people cheering, but the only world that mattered was the one that existed when I was with him. Jace kissed me both gently and needily, like he wanted to show everyone just how much he'd meant his words. But he didn't have to show it. He was kissing me for the entire fucking universe to see, and I was in his arms kissing him back. Nothing else mattered. In the same way he'd said I was it for him, I knew that he was both my beginning and my end. The body I was holding onto would be the same one in fifty, sixty years time that I still got to call home. Even though we had to grow, and marry, and have kids and get old, it would still be me and him. It didn't matter that one day we'd be gone. Because every time, he'd bring me back to life. I never believed in reincarnation until I felt his hands in my hair and his tongue against mine. Only then did I realize that in every lifetime, I hoped we had a chance to touch like that again.
When we finally pulled away, Jace rested his forehead on mine. My erratic pulse covered the sounds of applause and celebration around us, but I knew everyone saw us. We were out in the open with no chance of turning back, and I didn't even care. At first, I was terrified; terrified of what people would say and think and do, and how Jace would feel to actually be my boyfriend. But hearing him say that he loved me changed everything. Because as long as he did, there was nothing to be afraid of.
"I'm yours. For as long as you'll have me," he murmured quietly. Just to me.
I smiled, my gaze tender. "Forever. If that's alright with you."
He hummed, pretending to think. "I don't know. I'll have to check my calendar."
I laughed softly, wrapping my arms around his neck. He spoke again before I could, surprising me. "You don't have to say it back yet, Blue." He doesn't think I feel the same way. And yet, I'd lay down my life for him. I'd drown all over again just to have him hold me like I was worth loving. But before I could tell him, he said enough to bring the tears back to my eyes. "Beautiful things are worth the wait." Those were my Mom's words. He remembered. He cared.
I opened my mouth, the need to let my love free overwhelming. But then, something caught in the corner of my vision.
The entire time, I'd been too happy and overwhelmed to think about who was listening. I'd accepted my friends finding out, even Darren and Monica. I didn't care about the people at school anymore. I was relieved that I didn't have to hide, that I could call Jace mine and mean it. But I'd forgotten about one person.
Lee dropped his helmet to the floor. His brown eyes were like Jace's, and yet they weren't full of love, or happiness, or freedom. They were broken.
My mouth parted, and cold dread seeped through me as I watched him walk back, as if in slow motion. His brow was pinched, his eyes glossy with hurt, betrayal and worst of all... anger. In all the years I'd known him, Lee was rarely angry. He was the kindest and happiest spirit I knew. I was the sad one, not Lee. Lee was smiles and sunshine. Lee was looking at me like he had no idea who I was anymore.
"Jace," I breathed, and he followed my vision. I felt his body stiffen. He clearly hadn't thought it would be like this. I guess we both just thought that joyful, warm hearted Lee would accept this. That he would see how much we loved each other, and it would all be okay.
We thought wrong.
There's a cold feeling you get when you drop a plate, or a cup, or a vase. One second you're holding onto something and it's whole and it's right, and then it's on the floor. Then it's shattered, it's all your fault, and there's nothing you can do to bring it back. And there's a split moment that you can't quite grasp onto no matter how many times you drop things, in between watching something fall and watching it break, where you feel utterly powerless. All you can do is stare at the wreckage and wait for it to pick itself back up. It never does, of course. But that doesn't stop you from hoping.
I was kissing Jace. I was happy. Then I wasn't. And there was nothing in the world that I could do but watch my best friend slip from my hands, and break at my feet.
AN- *chuckles* i'm in danger
runnin im runnin im runnin
all of you after this chapter:
and me trying to escape u all:
i love u guys, do not follow me. this is MY day
(also, i wrote some of the sexy scene right next to my extremely christian mother. this is the world we live in
also also i cant believe my insta account was almost deleted for violating community guidelines TWICE bc i commented on a meme page that i wanted to smoke prince phillip like a blunt LMAOOOOOO smh it was top comment as well rip)
thanks for reading this 3 hour long shakesperian tragedy, tell me ur thoughts, sorry for dismantling ur mental health <3 -arabella
2021 edit- ik i shouldnt have to explain my writing, im just super self conscious so i wanna put this out there lol- ive seen posts that are like ew i hate public confessions in american rom coms its so fucked how love only exists when it's a performance, love should b private and intimate!! and yes i usually agree w this and i love quiet, personal kinds of love- BUT, bluejay IS the quiet and personal kind of love!! i did a typical cliche rom com confession (although it's not completely obnoxious bc jace is still like oh fuck what have i just done this is so huMILIATING!!!! lol) because their entire love story is like, having to hide behind closed doors and pretend that they dont care. and bc of this, all of their sweet, intimate moments are very very personal and private- so like, them just announcing their love to the world isn't a performance, it's saying that they shouldn't have to pretend anymore, because straight people in rom coms get to kiss in the middle of football fields even though theyve never had to hide. anyway thank u for coming to my ted talk <3