⚠️minor SA mentioned and described⚠️
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The rest of the school day went by extremely slow. I went to my last two classes—which were as boring as ever.
History was my last period—and I almost hesitated to walk in again, knowing that Eren was in that class. But it was just another hour and a half—I could do it. At least I made it through the day. One day at a time, right?
Luckily, Eren and I were on opposite sides of the class, so all I recieved from him that class was a few all-loving glares from him. Otherwise he'd flat out ignore me.
While I was packing up my things after the last bell of the day, I got a text from Jean, saying to meet him at the front of the school.
"I gotta go meet Jean," I said to Annie beside me as she packed up her things. "I'll see you next week?"
"Yep!" She gave me an all-knowing look, raising her brow up and down. "Have fun."
I shushed her and laughed. I left the class, making my way to the front of the school.
I saw Jean waiting against the wall in the foyer, talking to a few of his other friends. They weren't people I'd ever seen him with, two girls and some random tall dude. I had no idea who they were.
Jean caught my gaze as I approached, and he said farewell to them, jogging over to meet me.
"(YN)!" He leaned down and kissed me, leaving his hands loosely around my waist. I smiled against his lips, my hands resting off of his shoulders. "Here," he said, pulling out a lollipop from his bag. "I found this in last period." He handed me the orange candy.
Yum, old candy. "Awe, that's so sweet," I said, taking the lollipop. "Are we all set to go then?" I asked, pulling away from the embrace. I felt so tired all of the sudden—I didn't even really feel up to going anymore...
Before Jean could reply, you heard a familiar—yet very unwanted—voice cooing at us. "Awe, look at the cute couple." I tensed up, groaning before even looking towards him.
Jean's grip became a little tighter on me.
"What the hell, Eren?! I was talking to you—" Armin's voice followed behind.
We both turned to see Eren walking up to us, his two friends Armin and the black-haired beauty Mikasa running to catch up to him. Both of whom looked just as annoyed as Jean and I that Eren wanted to start this again.
"And a little gift exchange too I see," Eren said, glancing at the candy in my hand with a weirded-out look.
"Do you have nothing fucking better to do, Jaeger?" Jean seethed.
"Did I say something to offend you?" He put his hand to his heart, making a pouty face. "Awe, I've hurt the horse's feelings—My bad."
"Eren—" Armin began.
Jean's breathing began coming on faster and deeper as his anger grew.
Before he could snap, I crossed my arms and glowered at Eren. "Is there an actual purpose to you coming over here?"
"Eren, can we please just get going? Stop with this childish bullshit and leave them be," Mikasa said as she rolled her eyes. "I want to get home."
Eren ignored her. He put his hands up, raising his eyebrows at me. Gross—he always had to radiate sarcasm in everything he did. "Damn, you don't gotta get all defensive. I just came over to wish you guys a good weekend, that's all. Have fun on your little date night." He smirked.
Mikasa just seemed bored—while Armin looked extremely nervous, quickly glancing between Eren and Jean to see how bad things might get. It wasn't unusual for them to get into a brawl every so often—as ridiculous as it was. But I didn't blame Jean one bit for getting into it with him. There have been more times than I can count where I wanted to hit Eren myself. He must've been in some angsty mood or something today—or everyday.
Armin made eye contact with you and mouthed 'I'm sorry' shaking his head ever so slightly.
I smiled at him appreciatively. Why couldn't Eren be more like Armin?
"Thanks," I said flatly, facing Eren again. "I'm sure we'll have a hell of a lot more fun than you." Before Jean could do or say something extremely stupid for the both of us, I went to grab my boyfriend's arm, silently telling him to keep it together. "We'll be going now though." I paused. "See you Monday, Ereh," I said sweetly as I gave him my fakest smile.
"Oh, don't you start sweet-talking me—"
Jean and I had already turned to leave. I cut him off by throwing him the finger over my head without looking back.
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"—I should've gone after him right then and there." Jean wouldn't stop rambling about it the entire walk to his place.
"You know, you shouldn't be giving in to what he says, Jean," I said from beside him, raising my eyebrow as I looked up at him from beside me.
"Oh yeah, like you never give in?" He glared down at me. He had a point—even hearing Eren talk triggered me in some way I couldn't explain.
"At least I don't jump at him the way you do!"
Jean mumbled something to himself, and I gripped his arm. "Eren knows how easily annoyed you get, that's what makes it so fun to him. It's why he'll just go out of his way to come after you," I laughed. "He was probably just bored."
"Whatever," Jean said, all pouty-like. I tried not to smile. Boys can be so dramatic. "So...what movie did you wanna watch?" He asked, changing the subject as we continued walking.
"Oh, I'm good with pretty much anything."
"But every time I pick, you're never interested in what we're watching."
"I just don't watch many movies, that's all. They aren't really my thing—you know that."
"Apparently, nothing's 'your thing' anymore." he mumbled, turning away.
I tried to ignore what he said, despite the flash of guilt it caused. "Just pick what you want, Jean. I'm fine with whatever you like."
I really can't stop disappointing him, can I? I looked down at the gravel path, my steps all of the sudden feeling heavier than usual. I really just wasn't good enough for Jean. I knew that. He knew that, too. But I didn't know how to be good enough. I just didn't understand why he still stuck around with me.
We walked the rest of the way in silence until we arrived at his house. Jean's parents weren't home, and his little brother was still in daycare, so we made our way up to his room.
I walked in first, taking in the large bedroom—at least double the size of my own. Jean wasn't necessarily rich, but his family sure was. He had such nice things, so much of it he never even touched. He only seemed to interact with his bed and playstation.
I took off my jacket and put it on the chair at his desk. I slid my boots off and laid them beside my bag on the floor. Jean followed me in the room and locked the door behind him. He walked over to his windows across the room, opening up the blinds and letting in the afternoon sun seep through.
I stood there awkwardly as Jean kept fussing around his room. "You can take a seat on the bed, you know, (Y/N)," he said, not bothering to look at me while he tidied.
"You know you don't have to clean the entire house for me, right?" I laughed as I went to go lie down on his bed, crossing my legs and resting my hands on my stomach.
"Meh, it was bothering me anyway," he walked over and plopped himself down on the bed beside me. He reached his arms over, bringing me in for a hug and rested his head on my chest.
I wrapped my arm around his back as he laid on top of me. It felt nice to be with him again like this—just the two of us laying in silence and holding each other.
After a few moments, he mumbled from my chest, "I really gotta pick the movie?"
"Yep, sorry to disappoint," I said, huffing a laugh.
He did a dramatic groan and got up, reaching for his remote to turn on his TV. He picked a random movie I'd never heard of—but it was the most 'Jean' movie he could've picked. It was called Baby Driver or something.
After watching for about half an hour, Jean went to go change into some comfier clothes and joined me back on the bed—some grey sweats and a white t-shirt. He'd asked if I wanted to change my clothes, too, but I just said I was fine with what I had on.
An hour into the movie, after being extremely fidgety for so long, he finally made his first move.
His hand began roaming up my leg ever so slowly, gripping my thigh, then making his way slowly up to my hips and along my stomach. His eyes were still glued to the screen—as if he didn't even realize he was doing it.
His hand brushed my breast, and my breathing hitched. I couldn't deny that it made my heartbeat run faster.
As he explored my body with one hand, he finally ripped his gaze free of the screen and nuzzled his way into my neck with his mouth and began giving me soft kisses that sent chills running throughout my body.
I arched my head back, giving in to his lips as the kisses became harder and more needy. I wasn't sure how far I wanted to go today, but I was really enjoying this.
A soft moan left my lips as his hand squeezed my breast, then making its way under my shirt—and bra. It'd been a while since he'd touched me like this.
My heartbeat became faster and faster, and I couldn't tell if it was from need or panic as he came on top of me, spreading my legs apart with his.
"Jean..." I whispered, my hands on his chest. He leaned down and kissed me with so much need I felt like I could hardly breathe. His hands wouldn't stop exploring me, and I felt heat gathering between my legs and in my core.
His tongue opened my mouth, and I felt his hot breath mixing in with mine. His mouth tasted my own as if he hadn't had a proper meal in weeks—I felt as if I couldn't get a single breath in.
Suddenly, I felt trapped beneath him. Despite the desire filling my mind and body, I couldn't help it. I began to panic as his grips became harder and tighter, his hand reaching between my thighs and rubbing. I couldn't speak as he continued to rub his hand against me from the outside.
I didn't know what was happening, but all of the sudden I couldn't speak. I couldn't tell if I wanted him to stop or keep going. I froze underneath him—numbness taking over my limbs.
"You like that?" He gasped, finally breaking free from my mouth.
I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to do.
What happened next was a blur—Jean kissed me again, but when I couldn't kiss back, he finally realized my heaving breathing wasn't entirely from desire.
"(Y/N)?" He paused, looking down at me.
"I..." What was wrong with me?
"If you don't want to, just say so," he said carefully.
I couldn't say anything... My mind had gone utterly blank. I didn't know what I wanted or what to do—
Jean got off of me, sighing to himself, and my breath came back to me after a few moments. He sat at the edge of the bed in silence for minutes, hours, days... And I couldn't bear seeing him like that—so I turned away. All I could do was stare out his window at the sun shining through, trying to speak, trying to find words—
"I'm sorry," he mumbled, after what seemed like an eternity. "I didn't mean to..." He shook his head, not finishing his sentence. He got up and left the room, closing the door behind him.
Still frozen, I could only turn my head back over to the window, trying to calm myself. I didn't know how long I laid there, staring at the setting sun. The movie quietly played on in the background.
Tears stung my eyes, my throat closing up. Not for myself, though—but because I could just...never do what Jean wanted me to do. I could never stop disappointing. My heart felt so heavy, and in that moment, all I wanted to do was disappear.
Jean eventually came back, sitting back on the bed. I looked at him, and he shifted his gaze to me. I still couldn't find the words to explain what happened. I couldn't even explain to myself. All I could do was breathe. Breathe.
He didn't say anything, just stared at me with an expression I couldn't describe. I could tell he felt bad for me—realizing he was staring at me as someone would look at a wounded animal. I couldn't stand it, feeling so helpless under his piercing gaze.
Eventually, Jean looked away and back at the movie. I went back to looking out the window, feeling the sun warm my face as I closed my eyes and allowed myself to breathe.
My phone buzzed, snapping me back to reality. I found the strength to reach over and check it, seeing a bunch of texts from my mom, and a few phone calls I must've not heard in the heat of things with Jean. A different panic took hold of me. Shit, I forgot to text her about going over to Jean's.
"I gotta call my mom," I whispered. He looked back at me and nodded, looking all the more depressed.
My heart strained, but I got up and walked out of his room, dialing my mom.
"(Y/N)?! WHAT THE HELL?! I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET A HOLD OF YOU—"
"I'm sorry, mom. I'm...at Jeans. I just forgot to text." I closed my eyes, swallowing. I really didn't want to get into another fight with her.
The other side of the line was silent for a few seconds, and I could tell she was trying to uphold what we'd agreed on. All that mattered was that she was trying.
I heard her take a deep breath. "What time—When will you be home?"
"I'm coming home now. I'm sorry I worried you."
After we hung up, I turned around to see Jean leaning against the post of his door, arms crossed, looking at me. He must've heard my conversation, because he handed me my things.
I put on everything, but didn't leave just yet. I didn't know what to say... or how to apologize...
He came up and wrapped his arms around me, and we stood there for a few minutes just holding each other. He kissed my forehead, resting his lips against it.
"I'm sorry..." I said, looking down.
He nodded. "It's alright, there is no need for you to apologize, (Y/N). I know you aren't ready for that again."
I didn't know what to say, so I stepped out of his embrace, and walked down the stairs. He walked into his room, and I felt my heart wrench itself into a knot in my chest as he closed the door.
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I made my way home, explaining to my mom what happened again as soon as I walked through the door. It took all of my effort to even have the conversation with her. I felt so, so tired. But I realized I hadn't had anything to eat all day.
"Is there anything to eat?" I asked, once things calmed down between us.
My mom sat at the kitchen table, her head in her hands. "There's some leftover pasta in the fridge—you can warm that up."
I warmed up the food, bringing it to my bedroom. Sitting on my bed, I nibbled at the pasta, my mind elsewhere. My head was pounding from the hunger—and thirst, so I grabbed my water bottle and chugged whatever was left from it.
The rest of the night, I stayed in bed, watching anime on my laptop until I fell asleep. But I was never able to escape the heaviness I felt. Sleeping was a good way of distracting myself, though. I did anything I could to distract myself from reliving the disappointment and pity on Jean's face.
I tried to think about what Sasha would say about the whole situation, but all I could think of when I thought of her...was how much I missed her. And how much I wished she were here.