TW: Mentions of self harm and self hatred
I've always wondered what happens when people die. What they think, where they go. There's always the question of if heaven or hell are real or if you get reincarnated or if your life on this earth just stops and that's it. I don't know which one would be better, if heaven and hell exist I'd get to see my mom again, if I'm reincarnated I'd be a completely different person with a completely different story, or everything just stops and eventually as time would go on you'd be forgotten because there'd be no one else on earth to remember you.
The unknown is what fears me the most, not knowing whats gonna happen. Sitting at my bay window while watching the sun rise above the horizon should be a peaceful thing, it normally would be except my mind doesn't turn off, it keeps going until my hearts racing and my mind is hazy unaware of everything going on around me.
Until it all just stops.
Taking deep breaths slows my heart, closing my eyes while listening to the sound of birds chirping through my open window clears my mind. My body is completely relaxed for what feels like the first time in years, finally feeling safe enough to lower my guard completely.
I stay like that for a while until the sun is lighting up the whole sky and casting a warm glow through my window and onto my face.
The smell of the fresh air coming into my room causes a soft smile to grow on my face making me fall deeper into the relaxation my mind is in.
It feels like everything is perfectly fine, that nothing bad will ever happen, like all the bad in this world has vanished. But I know that hasn't happened, I know my demons still chase and haunt me, that there's still evil terrorizing this world. But I let my mind think it's real, that everything is completely fine.
The sound of my alarm going off brings me back to reality and all the horrors that come with it, how I can't sleep anymore because of those terrifying brown eyes that carry everything vile and evil to possibly exist, that my mother is no longer here to be my rainbow in the stormiest of days, of how I still flinch when my brothers make quick and sudden movements. That's my reality no matter how hard I try and ignore it.
I make my way over to my alarm clock to shut it off before checking the time.
5:00 am
Groaning loudly I face plant into my soft bed. I know I have school today but I really don't want to deal with anyone. My teachers are all nice and most of the students there know to mind they're own business, that or they're to scared of my brothers to ask me questions.
But then there's Lilli who knows when I need her to talk or just comfort me in silence, I know she knows I've not been sleeping or she at least knows somethings wrong. Its only a matter of time before my brothers find out, another reason why I've been trying to keep my distance from them. Then there's Aaron who shouldn't be on my mind at all, I've started ignoring him too but my mind wanders back to him.
Sighing to my self, I get up to go take a shower since I have about three hours before school starts.
I let out a content sigh when the hot water burns my skin turning it red, I just stand under the water staring at the white tiles for a while. I feel the water running down my face and turning my hair midnight black and straight. The steam clouding my vision causes me to blink my eyes while spitting out the water that got in my mouth. Finally deciding I should wash my body and hair I grab the shampoo.
Rinsing my self of all the lingering soap suds I sit down on the shower floor staring at my red skin in disgust. The same skin that has been touched by hands that make me burn worse then the water running down on me.
I feel a tear run down my cheek, then another one and another until my body's shaking with sobs no one but me can hear. I run my nails down my thighs hard until they leave behind barely noticeable white lines. The pain feels good, like I deserve it.
Sometimes I've wondered what it would feel like to drag a knife across my leg instead of my nails. But I know I wouldn't test that theory, I can't. I know no matter how much I wish to end everything I'm to scared of death to be able to go through with it, or leave my brothers after just finding out about them.
Looking down at the white lines that overlap the others I've made in the past I think of the promises I made to Leonardo. He was right digging my nails into my palms wasn't enough I wanted more, I needed more.
I broke his promise.
I cry harder at this thought. I can't help the self hatred I feel for myself, I deserve everything bad to happen to me, I deserve this pain. I ruin everything I touch and John knew it, it's only a matter of time before everyone around me realizes this to.
I lean my head back not caring about the loud thud it makes when it bangs into the wall, not caring about how it gives me a headache, only caring about the pain it gives me. The pain I know I deserve.
Shutting off the water I grab my fluffy towel and get out of the shower. I wipe away the condensation that has fogged up the mirror, curling my lip in disgust at the person that stares back at me.
Rubbing my red and swollen face with the towel I wipe away the mixture of water and tears. Brushing through my hair slowly I try to get rid of the thoughts from the shower. I can't cry again because I can't risk my brothers seeing my red and swollen face.
I throw my hair up in a towel not caring if it gets tangled, before drying off my body and putting on my uniform. I put on black tights so there's no way anyone can see the new white lines I just created.
I rinse my face with cold water to bring down the puffiness around my eyes before covering my dark circles with concealer to hide the fact that I haven't slept in days.
Drying my hair I braid it back so it's out of my face except for to strands of curls that frame my face.
When I'm done I just stare at my self in the mirror forcing a smile. I look happy, my tiny dimples show and the scars behind my eyes are covered by walls hiding them deep into my mind.
I brush my teeth before sliding on black boots and making my way downstairs with my phone and backpack.
I feel like I'm not in my body today like I'm just watching everything around me happen without actually acknowledging anything. My legs feel like they're gonna give out any second. My body just feels, weak.
I stumble into the kitchen looking up expecting to see Linda cooking but I was shocked to see Matteo making omelettes, Emilio and Luca we're hovering over him like children waiting for the food to be ready while Antonio was sitting on a barstool texting someone on his phone.
When I walked in Antonio looked up and smiled at me softly before gesturing to the seat next to him. I slowly made my way to the seat before sitting down on it, Antonio usually ignores me in the morning. He's been better and hasn't been rude to me lately but he also hasn't initiated at interacting with me.
I smiled back at him before watching Matteo make breakfast, it was only then that I realized he was wearing an apron that said 'kiss the chef' over his suit. I smiled at his apron before focusing on him.
"Morning Ella did you sleep well?" He asked while adding a bunch of things into the omelette.
"Yeah I slept like a baby." I cringed at my own words, not only because I lied to him but also because of how bad the lie was.
Way to be obvious.
I noticed Antonio staring at me out of the corner of my eye making me panic.
Does he know I'm lying? Does he know it was me who covered him with a blanket and gave him Advil for when he woke up? During my overthinking panic I noticed he was back to typing on his phone, the action causing relief to fill my body.
"That's good. I hope you like omelettes." I laughed quietly when he turned around to grab more things from the fridge and Emilio stole some bacon that Matty was trying to keep him away from. When Matteo turning around Emilio shoved the whole piece in his mouth causing him to choke and Matty to smack him lightly on the head.
"Really?" Matty was pretending to be mad but I could see him smiling.
"Yeah Emilio really? You could at least be discreet." I said while taking a bite out of the bacon I stole while they were both distracted.
Emilio's mouth dropped when he realized I stole one of the pieces he took. Matty and Luca both laughed and even Antonio smiled.
"Are you gonna get mad at her too?" Emilio shoved his hands towards me while staring at Matty.
"For what? I didn't see anything." Matteo winked at me before going back to flipping the omelettes. This caused Emilio to pout until the food was ready.
"Um, I'm not that hungry." I mumbled timidly while staring at the big omelette on my plate. I was aware of my stomach grumbling but staring at the food made me want to throw up. It was one thing eating that piece of bacon because it was small but this is to much.
My sentence caused all of them to look at me. I shifted uncomfortably wondering if I should just suck it up and eat it but I know I can't.
"That's ok here how about this." I watched Matteo cut it in half before putting the other half back in the pan. "Why don't you just eat what you can of that ok?" I look down at the half of omelette before nodding and smiling at my brothers.
They all go back to eating Emilio even stealing the other half from the pan. I slowly eat my food feeing my stomach turn to knots but I force myself to anyway. I hate that I can't even eat food which ends up causing my brothers to worry about me. They don't need to worry. My self hatred comes back full force for not being able to be the perfect little sister for them.
I find myself staring at the knifes on the counter wondering what would happen if I took one. I hastily look away from the knifes while pushing away those thoughts.
"It's already 7:30 you guys should leave soon." Matty says while putting away the dishes in the dishwasher.
I quickly brush my teeth again before grabbing my backpack and meeting Emilio and Antonio downstairs.
Matteo kisses me on the forehead and I feel a small emotion of pride at not flinching bloom in my chest before it disappears, I shouldn't feel pride over that I shouldn't have ever been flinching in the first place.
I'm silent the whole ride to school thankful it's only a 10 minute drive. When Antonio parks I hop out of the car waving bye over my shoulder to the twins so they don't think anything of me leaving quickly.
I just want to be alone before school starts and I'm forced to be in a classroom with twenty kids who don't care about anything except of what's normal in society.
Not bothering to stop at my locker since my first class is English and I already have everything I need for that class in my backpack, I make my way to this abandoned hallway where the only students there are ones ditching class or if they get lost.
Since I haven't ditched class before I found this hallway by getting lost.
I sit on a window sill and just close my eyes until it's time for class. Checking the time on my phone to see it's seven fifty-one I make my way to class.
I walk into my English class with the rest of the students. Quickly smiling at Mrs. Miller I take my seat in the back next to Lilli just as the bell rings.
"Alright class so your homework was to read chapter one of To Kill A Mockingbird, I'm passing out a sheet of paper and I want you to write a summary on the chapter you read, now if you need to you can use your book if you forgot something." After getting my paper I wrote down my name and the date before grabbing my book and writing the summary.
So far the class has only read one chapter but I forgot to stop so I accidentally read two and now I forgot what was in the first chapter and what was in the second.
I hear the sound of pages turning frantically and turn my head towards Lilli to see her skimming all of chapter one.
"You didn't read it did you?" I whispered quietly to her while smiling in amusement.
Lilli looked towards me before shaking her head. "Nope." She said before going back to skimming the chapter and I went back to writing my summary.
I ended up showing her my summary so she could copy it while adding in her own words so it's not exactly like mine.
I glance out the window towards the poor students who have to suffer through gym as they're first class of the day. It was chilly this morning but it's still warmer than what I was used to for the middle of October.
I've always loved the cold weather of fall, it's been my favorite season since I could remember. My mom used to bring me to those carnivals and apple harvests where we would load up on every dessert that consisted of apple or pumpkin. I could also be biased because my birthday is in November.
"Ok class your homework for tonight is to read chapters two and three." Mrs. Miller tells the class as she comes around collecting the papers from everyone. Some of the class groan from having to read two chapters.
I didn't even realize it was the end of class so I hurry packing up my books as everyone rushes out of class leaving just me and Lilli.
I guess my nights of no sleep are catching up with me since I'm practically stumbling around the halls and yawning every five seconds.
"You ok bunny?" I look up at Lilli who's watching me concerned, or at least what I think is concern.
"Yeah I'm fine just tired, schools to early." My lie works as she goes on a rant about how early school is and how unnecessary it is.
I'm normally a horrible liar, the only time I can successfully lie is when I have to hide something.
The rest of my morning classes passed by quickly and now it's was time for lunch. This is the first time I've walked to the cafeteria by myself since Lilli was normally always with me, but she said she had to give someone something, I wasn't really paying attention as I was on the verge of falling asleep.
No matter how scared I am to sleep I know I'm going to have to force myself soon, I can't focus in school and soon enough my grades are gonna start showing that which will in turn alert my brothers that somethings wrong.
I look around the cafeteria trying to find someplace to sit since I'm by myself but everyone's already grouped up with their friends.
I flinched as I felt an arm go over my shoulder. "Hey girly long time no see."
I look up at Jace who's smiling down at me with a big grin.
"Jace leave the poor girl alone your scaring her." I stand on my tip toes to see Sammy with her now bright blue hair.
"Awww Sammy your hurting my feelings. I'm not scary right Ella?" Jace pouts while looking at me before smiling again as I shake my head.
"Perfect lets go I need to share something with you." Jace was jumping excitedly before grabbing my hand and pulling me towards a table in the back. I heard Sammy groan as she followed behind us.
When we were sitting at the table Jace started explaining this whole breakup drama between these celebrities Olivia Rodrigo, Joshua Bassett, and Sabrina Carpenter. I'm still confused on what the drama was but I just nodded along anyway.
I zoned out as Sammy and Jace started arguing again. I looked around the cafeteria before landing on my brothers table. I furrowed my eyebrows as I subconsciously looked around the cafeteria for a boy with auburn hair and grey eyes but I never found him. Thinking back to my earlier classes he wasn't in any of them either.
The rest of lunch flew by quickly and Lilli never showed up either.
Weird.
The rest of the day went by slowly, it doesn't help that I can't remember what we did or learned for any of the classes. I wouldn't have known what any of my homework was if I hadn't written it down in my planner.
I skip going to my locker feeling as if my legs would give out any second. Dragging my feet to the parking lot I look for Antonio or Emilio but find neither of them.
"Hey Ella!" I hear someone shout before hearing footsteps coming towards me from behind.
Quickly turning around I fine Leila walking towards me with a blinding smile. I like Leila, the past few weeks I've been getting to know her better since she's Lilli's sister and Antonio's 'friend'. "Hi Leila."
"So there's a slight change of plans, Antonio and Emilio forgot they had some errands to do after school so I'm gonna drop you off at home." This isn't the first time they forgot they had errands and had Leila take me home.
The amount of times they 'forget' is almost laughable. Either they have horrible memories or they have something else going on that I'm not supposed to know about, and my guess is the latter.
Following Leila to the car I get in the back next to Lilli. Normally Levi would be with us but I guess today he had his own 'errands' to run.
I don't mind riding with them it's a lot more fun then with the twins who constantly bicker. At least with Lilli and Leila there's actual conversation and good music.
"So chicas how was school?" Leila asks as she turns on the radio.
"Ugh remind me why we need school again?" I smile at Lilli and how much she hates school, I honestly think it's one of her favorite things to talk about.
"It was fine." I fidget in my seat while listening to Uptown Girl by Billy Joel
The rest of the ride I was quiet, thankfully neither of them noticed. When they dropped me off they apparently had somewhere else to be so they didn't come in. I didn't really question it since my mind was to tired and hazy.
When walking through the house to get to my room it's quiet and I don't see anyone which is weird, normally I see someone when getting home from school, but my sleep deprived brain didn't question it.
I set my bag down on my desk before taking out my homework and doing that. An hour into it and my hands cramping from all the writing I've been doing.
I go through and sort all the books weighing down my backpack when a paper falls out. Picking it up I realize it's my art paper with all the questions and answers from Aaron, and at the bottom of the paper is that little note he snuck on without my knowledge, the little note I've been ignoring since I realized what it gave me.
I felt bad ignoring it and therefore him but what did it mean? Lorenzo said no boys did that mean no boys at all or just no boyfriends?
It's probably no boyfriends but I can have a guy friend after all that's what we'd be, just friends... right?
Deciding not to ignore him any more I take out my phone and add the number written at the bottom of my page.
Me: Hey it's Ella.
I lower my phone wondering if I should send it. What if he's mad I haven't texted him yet? What if he only gave me his number out of pity or just for the project? No he would have said that if he did, it's fine just send it.
Looking down at the small blue button that could ruin me I click it.
Delivered.
Now we just wait. Setting my phone down I get back to my homework but I'm not even 5 minutes in before my phone dings.
Dropping my pencil I stare at my phone for a solid five seconds before picking it up.
Aaron: Hey so you wanted to get to know me more?
I smile a little at his response before sending back my own.
Me: Maybe or maybe I'm bored.
Aaron: ah so your only texting me for your entertainment?
I laugh a little at his reply before reading his next one.
Aaron: I feel used.
I didn't mean to make him feel used I was just joking.
Way to go Ella you made someone feel exactly like you've felt for the past two years. Your a horrible person.
Aaron: Ella where'd you go?
Me: I'm so sorry I didn't mean to make you feel used, I'm a horrible person I was just joking I'm so sorry.
Aaron: woah it's ok I was joking too. Ella your not a horrible person and you didn't make me feel used, from what I've got to know about you so far I'd say your pretty great.
I blush at his last sentence but I can't stop the self hatred floating around inside me. I shouldn't have been joking about something that could have made someone feel used.
Aaron: Ella I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you. Let's talk about something else, what are you doing that's making you bored?
I sigh in relief at him changing the subject.
Me: just homework you?
Aaron: I was just helping some friends with something.
Me: that's nice of you.
Aaron: I know I'm such an amazing generous person you should be thanking me.
Me: for what?
Aaron: for gracing you with the mere presence of me.
I laughed while reading his message completely forgetting about the rest of my homework.
Me: well thank you kind sir.
Aaron: your very welcome sweetheart.
Me: sweetheart?
I felt the familiar feeling of butterflies flying around in my stomach along with the warmth of my cheeks. Normally I hate pet names like 'sweetheart' but when he called me it I didn't... mind.
Aaron: yes. Is that ok?
Me: I mean sure I don't care.
Aaron: ah I'm making you blush aren't I.
He didn't even ask that as a question he stated it like he knew for certain I was blushing.
That just made me blush more.
Me: of course I'm not why would I blush?
Aaron: ok then FaceTime me.
Me: just to prove I'm blushing? You probably just want to see me.
Aaron: I do just want to see you.
Why must he do this to me?
Me: stop doing that!
Aaron: doing what?
Me: you know what!
Aaron: do I?
He knows exactly what he's doing! That arrogant, making me blush jerk, and he's smug about it too he just knows I'm blushing. I look in the mirror to see my cheeks bright red.
Curse him. I'll show him
I'm broken from my ranting and 'showing him' by my phone vibrating.
Arrogant jerk would like to FaceTime
Decline or accept
I wait a few seconds before tapping accept.
It takes a second before his face fills my screen but I don't pick up my phone, I leave it laying flat so he'll get a wonderful view of my ceiling.
"What a brilliant ceiling you have." I could hear the smirk in his voice.
"Thank you." I mutter while shying away from the camera trying to get my cheeks to calm down before putting my camera on me.
"As brilliant as your ceiling may be I wanted to see you." I give up on trying to calm my cheeks after they turn red again.
I grab my phone and face it towards me making his little upturned lip turn into a genuine smile. Or at least I think.
"There you are. Why so grumpy?" I can hear the laughter in his voice. I didn't know I was pouting a little until he said I looked grumpy.
I'm not grumpy just embarrassed.
I look away from the camera ignoring him for making me embarrassed.
"Oh come on Ella I'm sorry." I can see him staring at me waiting for me to reply out of the corner of my eye, but I just turn my head even more.
"Ella. Sweetheart." I have to hide the small smile slipping on my face. I hide my mouth from the camera before he can see it but I was to late.
"I saw that cute smile." He smiles back at me. I laugh at his comment before showing my face again with a wide grin instead of a shy smile now.
"Don't think your forgiven you have to make up for embarrassing me mister." I point my finger at him.
"Ok tell me how can I make it up to you your highness." On my screen I can see him bow his head slightly making me laugh.
I think of how he can make it up to me before a lightbulb goes off in my head. "You have to bring me a cupcake tomorrow at school."
"A cupcake?" He raises his eyebrows at me like my idea is ridiculous. Cupcakes aren't ridiculous they're very serious.
"Yes and now with that face it has to be a chocolate cupcake with filling inside, and not one of those little Debbie cupcakes either an actual real baked cupcake." I smile in triumph at him. Sure I could ask Linda to make me one but making him get me one would just make the cupcake sweeter.
"Ok done. Your wish is my command." He bows again which in turn makes me laugh, again.
We were talking for the next ten minutes, he was really good at keeping my mind distracted, he was good at keeping reality at bay, until it comes back.
I heard a crash downstairs followed by the sound of someone punching the wall making me jump.
"Ella? What is that is everything okay?" Aaron's concerned voice fills my ears by I'm to focused on the crashes from downstairs to pay attention to it.
"Yeah everything's fine I have to go, I'll talk to you later." I quickly end the call before he can even get a word out.
I rush out of my room and downstairs before slowing down while passing the entryway, the vase that was set in the corner for decoration is now shattered on the floor along with little droplets of blood that are trying to blend in with the broken porcelain. I carefully walk towards the hallway avoiding the sharp shards.
My footsteps cease when I get to the hallway, not only is there more blood littering the floor but the walls are covered in holes from someone punching them. I feel a shiver of fear go down my back and my breathing picks up as I hear shouting come from the living room.
I walk slowly towards the noise before inching my head around the corner. If I thought the hallway was bad it's nothing compared to the living room, the coffee table is completely flipped over along with a lamp from the corner of the room, the cushions decorating the couch have been flung everywhere, and of course even more holes in the wall. And in the middle of all this chaos is someone I least expected to cause this mess.
Emilio.
"Emilio calm the fuck down!" And there the person I most expected to be making this mess is comforting him.
Antonio.
Emilio wasn't even listening to him, it's like he couldn't hear or see anything as his bloody and bruised fist kept pounding into the wall over, and over, and over again.
"Emilio I know your angry but you have to calm down. Come on Emilio." I've never heard Antonio plead anyone for anything nor have I ever heard as much vulnerability in his voice than right now while he's pleading Emilio to stop.
But he doesn't. He keeps going.
I can feel my heart break and pound out of my chest all at once, I can feel my hands go numb with how tightly I'm gripping the wall, I can feel the tears slip out of my eyes, and I can feel my mind telling me to scream to beg him to stop before he hurts himself even more.
But I can't.
I'm frozen over never seeing my most funny and kind, comforting brother completely freak out.
If he has the strength and energy and power to do all this damage and keep attacking the wall then what could he do to-
No! No he's Emilio, he's your teddy bear who'd always be there for you and protect you he'd never, never hurt you.
Right?
Completely disregarding me ever questioning if he would hurt me I step out from behind the wall which was protecting me, and out into the room treading lightly.
My bare feet step on what feels like a piece of paper sticking to the bottom of my foot. I look down at the paper taking it off, fully prepared to just drop it but it wasn't a paper at all, no.
It was a photo, of me.
I look back at the floor to see more photos all over the ground, all of me throughout the years.
Starting from when I was five and went to school to now, pictures taken of me entering school with my brothers or even by myself. Looking down at the photo in my hand I see it's a photo of me sitting under the willow tree in our secret garden.
A choked sob breaks through my mouth which ceases Emilio's movement and Antonio's shouting, alerting them I'm here.
And reality comes crashing down.
Hey everyone! I know I haven't updated in a while but I really hope you like this chapter, personally I think it's one of my favorites I'm not sure why but this is probably the first chapter I've written where I felt emotional through the whole thing.
What do you guys think those pictures are about? I love hearing everyone's theories.
And thoughts on Emilio being the one freaking out and getting angry while Antonio's the one comforting him?
I hope you all have an amazing day!😊