I enter my three-room apartment, an apartment that needs expenses that I will no longer be able to pay. The band was taken away from me and as everything was taken away from me. Fighting for a lost cause makes no sense. To fight, in this case, would mean worsening the situation. Blair is capable of anything, Marcus too, I can’t drag Harper into such a situation.
So I stayed with my guitar, along with several of my mom's affectionate objects. In situations like this I would go to the cemetery, but it's closed.
I was going to get a little dog, to be less alone, but now that I no longer have a job and I don't even know how I will support myself, how can I afford a dog?
I change into a long gray T-shirt, a pair of black sweatpants and slip under the covers, exhausted and hoping that this is just a nightmare, even when it's clear it's not.
My eyes move to the picture placed on my bedside table where a photo of us is framed. The day we did it, I immediately went to the photographer to have it developed, I went to the shop next door and bought two simple black frames. At home I packed the gift and gave it to him that same evening. He loved it, he hugged me and didn't let me go for the next two minutes. It was wonderful. He said he would put it on the bedside table only if I did the same and so I did.
I have kept our photo on the bedside table for years, moving it only to clean and to hug it in moments when loneliness reached too high limits that even just breathing is difficult.
I take the picture, hugging it as if it were a puppet. My tears wet the pillow, my breathing becomes heavy, sobs make space along my throat. It's always like this, I want to be strong, but I can't, I end up throwing everything out, explode and when my body can't take it anymore, I can't stop.
I wonder so often why I always have to be a problem, I just don't understand it. I am kind to everyone, I love everyone, I help everyone who comes to me to ask for my help, why can’t I receive a little of what I always give to everyone? Why? Am I so wrong?
A loud noise from the door scares me to death. I put the picture back in its place, I get out of bed, my heart beat very fast in my chest, I feel my eyes burn and the tears dry on my cheeks.
The person outside the door stopped knocking, probably it left.
I open the door of the house, slowly and with the fear of who it might be. This is certainly not one of the best neighborhoods to live in, but for those who live alone and have the money I have, this is just fine. Being in a band doesn’t mean you’re rich and I'm not a star. Blair is in control of our money, he uses it for the shows we attend and for our merchandise which includes all possible gadgets.
"I'm sorry... I was leaving because I thought yuo were sleeping and..."
"Don’t worry"
"Did you cry?" I don't say anything, because there is nothing to say, the answer is in my eyes and on my cheeks.
"What are you doing here?"
"I wanted... can I come in?" I nod, letting him in.
I lock the door, turn to him, letting our eyes truly meet for the first time in weeks.
He's beautiful. He is the most beautiful boy my eyes have seen in 22 years of age. If perfection existed then he is perfection.
"I'm sorry" his voice, even in this case, will forever remain the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. I’ve dreamed so many times of the sweet sound of his voice, then awakening with tears in my eyes, a heightened sense of loneliness and a deeper internal emptiness.
"For what?"
“For everything, including Marcus” he looks around, his eyes scanning every corner of my tiny apartment. "It's nice here" he never came to my apartment, I don't know the reason, it's probably Marcus's fault.
"It's not your fault"
"I could have done something for preventing it"
"Why are you here?" I ask, realizing that I have not received an answer the first time.
"Because I miss you" and if what I feel inside of me I can not explain it myself, then I do not know who can do it. Tears fill my eyes with incalculable speed, as he looks at me in a way that only he has ever looked at me, the same way that no one has looked at me for months, maybe a year, maybe longer. "I've been an asshole and-"
"I miss you too"
"Really?"
"Why do you look so surprised?"
"I thought you moved on"
"How could I go on?" I don't know exactly who I just asked this question to, him or me, or maybe it's an unanswered question. "You went on instead"
"Me?" I look at him confused, trying to understand what he is talking about.
"That questioning face?"
“We're not together anymore” and when I want to say that my jaw has dropped, it really means that it has fallen, almost touching the floor.
“A few hours ago you made out for more than two minutes without taking a breath” I say, almost laughing at the situation I'm in.
"I broke up with him shortly after you left"
"Oh" I haven't no idea what to say or what to do. I've never been in a situation like this, actually yes, always with him, but this time it's different, because the embarrassment in the air could be cut with a knife.
"There is another person in my life, someone I love, not someone like Marcus"
"Have you cheated on him?"
"No, I simply said that there is another guy I love" he smiles and this is enough to unleash a hundred butterflies in my stomach. "I think you know him"
"I know him?" I ask, surprised and shocked by everything that's going on.
"In my opinion yes" he comes so close to me that I feel his breath against mine. "The song is beautiful, you know?" he takes a sheet of paper out of his pocket, making me realize a second later that it is the sheet on which I wrote the song. The song I wrote dedicating it to him. "It's a beautiful song" he repeats.
"T-thank you" I turn all red, adding nothing for the simple reason that there is nothing to add. The song speaks for itself and the smile on his lips makes me understand that he knows.
"Especially the part that says 'i missed the way your eyes looked in sunlight, the way the green reflects in mine, I fell in love'"
"Rye-"
"It's beautiful" I dare to look him straight in the eye. They are shiny and the light that was always there when he was with me is here, now it’s here. In this light there is love and I can't understand why. A tear runs down his cheek, causing my own tears.
"Why are you crying?"
"Because I love you" my heart skips a beat, my breath stops suddenly.
I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming because this can't be real. It's just my mind that is tricking me into giving me some peace from all the pain and loneliness.
"I'm a jerk because I love you and I've never told you, letting you go as if you’re not important, when in reality you count more than oxygen counts for a living being" he takes my hand intertwining our fingers, to this point I should wake up from the dream, but it doesn't happen. Maybe it's true... "Andy, please say something"
"Did you say you love me?" I ask incredulously.
"Yes, I said I love you" he waits for my answer, but I have no words. I just don't know what to say.
I take his face in my hands and kiss him exactly as I wanted to do from the first moment we met.
Our lips fit together perfectly. Two missing pieces of a puzzle. Two souls who belong together and have just found each other. They have their own dance that they follow alone, in sync, they do all the work, but it doesn't matter because, anyway, it's a perfect dance for them.
I’ve imagined so many times what it could be like to kiss him, but nothing was even the slightest bit close to what this kiss is. The love he is putting into this kiss is as strong as mine and the thought alone makes me cry with happiness.
We break the kiss when the lack of oxygen makes itself felt, the sweet coconut flavor remains on my lips, maybe it's lip balm.
Our cheeks are covered with tears, due to overwhelming emotions and feelings.
"Was it a ‘yes I love you too’?"
"No, it’s an ‘I've always loved you’"
"Me too, you know?"
"You never told me"
"I was afraid"
"And now? What has changed? "
"I don't know what has changed, but I know that I love you and that you are my person and-"
“I love you too and you are my person too” I assure him.
"Really?"
“You've always been my person, Rye” he smiles, unsure of what to say. A dark room illuminated by our smiles and our love.
"Do you want me to stay with you or?"
"Stay, please"
We go into my room, maybe it will become ours, his eyes linger on our photo. "I also kept it on the bedside table, Marcus hates it, but I have always loved it more than him" he smiles sweetly, filling my heart with love. "My shirt looks good on you, anyway" I blush instantly, slipping under the blunket and saying nothing. One of the last times I slept at his house he lent me this shirt and I always forgot to give it back to him and in the end I kept it.
He takes me into his arms and my body completely lets go of this familiar feeling, a feeling that… makes me feel safe, loved.
The scent of him penetrates my nostrils, the desire to be able to have this perfume scattered around the house, on my clothes and in everything that surrounds me begins to make space inside me, the past moments come back to mind.
"Can I tell you something before sleeping?" he asks seriously, worrying what it might be.
"Sure"
"I love you" I feel his smile against my skin and the feeling is so beautiful that it makes me cry with happiness.
"I love you too"
This is the 2nd and the last part, hope you enjoyed the chapter😊
If you're interested I started a new account where I post collages about RoadTrip= rye.fowler on Instagram.
Stay safe🌵💞