Yusra unlocked the front door, stepped inside, and resisted the urge to just collapse in tears. She knew she was being unreasonable. She knew she was being difficult, and her heart went out to her husband. She missed his touch, she missed his embrace. She missed being able to talk and laugh with him. She missed his kisses, she couldn’t help but think as she pressed a hand lightly to her lips. It was the first time they had kissed in two weeks, and not for lack of him trying. She just wasn’t in the mood. She knew she wasn’t being fair to him, she just felt horrible. She was so sick. Sicker than she had been in a very long time, and the worse she felt, the more annoyed she got. She didn’t have the energy to cook or clean anymore, even carrying Kareem was a strain on her, and the baby wasn’t heavy. She didn’t know what could have caused this sudden relapse, and it scared her. A lot. She wanted nothing more than to share her fears with Amir. After all he was her best friend. But for some reason her emotions were getting the better of her, and she was finding herself putting up this wall between them. She didn’t know if it was due to her emotions or her pride that she was having trouble letting him in.
As she stepped into the living room, she found Kareem asleep on the couch next to Hana, and Layla laying on the floor in front of the television watching Arthur. Hana looked up from where she was reading a book, and gave Yusra a small smile. Almost immediately Yusra could tell something was wrong.
“Are you okay Hana?” she asked, and Hana nodded, quickly swiping under her eyes. As she stood up to give Yusra a hug, she paused, peering into her face anxiously.
“I think the question is are you okay Yusra?”
To the surprise of both of them, Yusra exploded into a fit of tears, and a startled Hana put her arms around her. She just sobbed into Hana’s shoulder, wishing Amir was there to hold her, and as Layla turned to look at them in concern, Hana led her to the kitchen, sitting her down in one of the chairs.
“My dear what’s wrong?” Hana asked anxiously, and Yusra shook her head, burying her face in the tissue Hana handed her.
“Oh Hana.” She managed to get out before a fresh wave of sobs escaped her, and Hana patted her back before getting up and setting on the kettle for tea. A few minutes later, Yusra had calmed down, and gave Hana a sheepish smile as she dabbed at her eyes. “I’m sorry for losing it like that. I do apologize.”
“Don’t be sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?”
Yusra sighed, and began to unpin her Hijab.
“I wish you could. I just,” she paused, her eyes roving over Hana’s face. “You won’t tell anyone right?”’
“Of course not.” Hana said, taking a seat next to her.
“Amir and I have been fighting. A lot. And I know its my fault, habibi he has been nothing but supportive even though I have been awful to him. I just, I don’t know how to make it right.”
“Can I be frank Yusra?”
“Of course.”
Hana leaned in close, a smile on her face.
“You apologize.”
Yusra gave a small smile.
“I don’t think it is that easy.”
“But it can be. Can I be frank again?”
Yusra’s eyebrow raised again.
“Go ahead.”
“You just need to put your ego aside.”
“I don’t think it works like that.” Yusra said with a sigh, and Hana crossed her legs, watching her in disbelief.
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
“I was awful to him Hana.” Yusra whispered, and Hana couldn’t resist smiling.
“Yusra, Amir loves you so much that I am certain you wouldn’t even get past ‘I’m’ and he would forgive you.”
“Really?”
“You don’t know that? The man lives for you. More than once I felt like screaming at the two of you to get a room!”
Yusra gave a half laugh, half sob.
“It’s just been so hard lately with this illness and instead of bringing us closer I feel like its driving a wedge between us. I don’t like feeling like this. I miss him. I miss him so much.”
“Then tell him that,” Hana said gently. “He can’t read your mind.”
Yusra was silent as she pondered Hana’s words. She was right of course.
“Okay. You have a point.” She paused to dab at her eyes again. “Thank you Hana. I’ll talk to him tonight.”
“Do you want me to keep Kareem with me? You know, give you some time alone?” Hana asked with an arched eyebrow and a mischievous smile on her face, and Yusra blushed slightly.
“Be quiet.” She said giving Hana a shove, and the two ladies laughed. “It’s okay, he goes to sleep early.”
They were quiet for a few minutes as Hana prepared their tea cups and some snacks, and as she came back into the kitchen from taking a cup of juice and some animal crackers to Layla, Yusra took a sip from her cup, and patted the chair next to her.
“Now it’s your turn to tell me why you were crying.”
Hana took a drink of her tea, avoiding Yusra’s gaze.
“I wasn’t crying.”
Yusra’s eyebrow quirked up.
“Don’t lie to me. You were crying.”
“Fine. I was crying. But I don’t think I can talk about it. Thank you though.”
Yusra took another drink and began to tap her fingernails on the table. She didn’t want to push Hana, she wasn’t one to open up too easily. But it was obvious the girl was hurting, and needed someone to confide in.
“Okay. I will respect your wishes. But if you need to talk to someone know I am here.”
“Thank you.” Hana said, and Yusra patted her leg before going into the kitchen and beginning to wash the dishes. Hana watched her from where she sat in the dining room, before nervously clearing her throat.
“Yusra, how do you get over someone you like?”
Yusra paused, her eyes flickering over towards Hana.
“That’s a heavy question.” She sighed, running a dish under the stream of water. “Is there anyone in specific you are trying to get over?”
There was a beat of silence.
“Maybe.”
When she did not elaborate any further, Yusra turned off the sink, wiped her hands on the flowered towel, and leaned against the counter.
“Habibti, I wish I could give you the answer. I really do. But I am probably the worst person to tell you how to get over someone. When Amir and I,” she hesitated for a second, “um, before we got married, I tried to get over him. Allah knows how much I tried. But I couldn’t. Because I loved him with all of my heart. Every single fiber of my being loved that man. Perhaps the reason you can’t get over whoever he is, is because you are meant to be.”
“I don’t think so.” Hana said softly, twirling her hair around her finger.
“How can you know that?”
“He likes somebody else.” She whispered, and Yusra’s eyebrows lifted again.
“How do you know that?”
Hana gave a bitter laugh, before drawing her knees up to her chest, and putting her chin on top. Yusra was a bit startled to see tears in her eyes, but she didn’t say anything, merely taking the seat next to Hana, and putting her hand on her arm.
“He practically told me.”
“He told you!?” she asked in astonishment, and Hana gave a shrug.
“Not in so many word, but, well, he basically asked me about the marital status of one of my friends.”
Yusra winced, but she tilted her head thoughtfully.
“That doesn’t mean anything. He could have been asking for one of his friends!”
“I don’t think so.” Hana whispered.
Yusra stared at the tears in Hana’s eyes, wondering what she could say to help her. She knew the pain of the uncertainty. Of not knowing if the person you love, loves you in return. Wondering if you should just give up. That loving that person is a waste of your time and energy. Something that you should feel stupid about. Something that feels hopeless and sends you into a spiral of unhappiness.
Gosh she had never wanted to be in her husband’s arms more than she did right that second.
“Hana habibti, if you really are this miserable, maybe the best thing is to pray to Allah swt to take away these feelings.”
Hana turned her head to the side, looking into Yusra’s face.
“That’s a good idea. But,” she hesitated, and Yusra smiled knowingly.
“But you don’t want to get over him?”
“No,” Hana whispered. “He is amazing Yusra. The greatest man I have ever known in all of my life. When we are together I never know what is going to come out of his mouth but it is always something insightful or funny. We are able to talk about everything and he listens. He truly listens to what I have to say because he is interested in my opinions. He doesn’t just listen so he can speak.”
“Is he handsome?” Yusra teased, and Hana blushed slightly.
“Beautiful. Even just thinking about him takes my breath away.”
“What does he do for a living?”
Here Hana paused, her blush deepening, and she put her face in her knees.
“Hana?” Yusra asked after a few seconds of silence.
“He um, is in the public eye.” Hana said, her voice slightly muffled, and Yusra looked at her in confusion before her eyes widened.
“Houssam?” Yusra asked after a few moments of shocked silence, and Hana groaned.
“You won’t tell anyone will you?” she asked, raising her head to look at Yusra, her face red. Yusra shook her head, patting Hana’s arm.
“I promise. How long?” Yusra asked quietly.
“Too long.” Hana whispered, and Yusra put her face in her hands.
“Wow. I had no idea.”
“Nobody does. You’re the first person I’ve told.” She said gathering her hair into a small bun on her head, and Yusra regarded her for a few seconds.
“You’ve kept this to yourself for that long?”
Hana laughed before nodding, tightening her hold around her knees.
“Yeah. It’s been a really long time.”
“Do you want me to talk to him?”
“Oh God! No Yusra oh my God please don’t!” Hana exclaimed in a panic, her voice showing how close she was to hysterics, and Yusra put up her hands in defense.
“Don’t worry habibti! If you don’t want me to I won’t! Calm down!” Yusra exclaimed, putting a comforting hand on Hana’s shoulder. “Can I ask you who he asked you about?” she asked after a few seconds.
Hana winced slightly.
“Kalthoum.”
Yusra’s mouth formed an ‘o’ shape of surprise.
“Oh wow! That’s…that’s surprising actually.”
“He didn’t say anything to you about her?”
“He didn’t say anything to me about anyone.”
“I know you and Ilham are trying to get him married.” Hana said quietly, and Yusra grimaced, Amir’s words coming back to her. Hana would have indeed been devastated to learn Houssam had no interest in her, and to think that she almost had been the cause of giving this poor girl even more pain, made her start to tear up.
“Yes well it isn’t working.” She said with a laugh. “Houssam is one who follows his heart in everything he does. Only the deepest of affection for someone will cause him to enter into marriage. I wouldn’t give up hope yet.”
She didn’t know what she was doing. Houssam already said no. But she couldn’t tell Hana that her dreams were for not. It was obvious that the two of them were friends, and the first step in a relationship was friendship. Maybe Houssam just needed time to fall for Hana.
Hopefully.
“All I can tell you Hana my dear, is that pray to Allah swt. Pray to him with all of your heart and soul. Beg of him. Beg of him that if the two of you are meant to be, and not only meant to be but meant to be happy and good together, that he unites you two. And if you aren’t meant to be, that he helps you overcome your feelings, and helps you accept the outcome whatever it may be.”
***
Amir stepped into the house, closing the door as quietly as he could. He didn’t know where Yusra was, and he didn’t want to risk upsetting her.
Ugh he hated this. Not once in all the years they had been married did he ever dread going home and he hated this feeling more than anything.
He tiptoed into the kitchen, grabbed a water bottle and a few grapes from the plate that sat on the dining room table, and began the climb up to their bedroom. She hadn’t been in the kitchen or the living room so she was either in their room or Kareem’s room. He might as well get their greeting over with, let her be mad at him and then move on with their night.
However as he entered their room she stood up immediately from where she sat in the rocking chair she used to rock Kareem to sleep in when he was a newborn. They just stared at each other for a few seconds, their eyes locked, neither one wanting to be the first one to say anything. He took her in, marveling in the fact that even though he was kind of angry with her, and she looked pretty sick, her beauty still astounded him. Even all these years later, he never got used to how stunning she was, and sometimes, just sometimes he found it hard to believe that she was his. He nervously raked a hand through his hair, the silence around them becoming uncomfortable.
“How are you?” he asked quietly, preparing himself for her to snap at him. But to his surprise her eyes began to water, and she put out her hands.
“Amir,” she whispered before bursting into tears and that was all he needed before rushing towards her, pulling her into his arms. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She cried and suddenly he was kissing her. On her cheeks, her nose, her eyelids, her hair, her lips. The harder she cried the tighter he held her until there was nothing between them but their heartbeats.