"He looks fine," Mark commented on the recent photo of Can that Tin specially ordered to buy this morning. "You're not going to use it to masturbate, are you?" Tin managed to throw the cruelest death glare ever thrown at humans in history.
"Just saying." And Mark was even more successful at putting on a look of indifference. "I mean there's some kind of code of conduct not to do 'that' with your imagination about your ex?" Mark fiddled with his brows, throwing the look Tin categorized 'indecent' in his dictionary.
"We were never a couple." Mark silenced Tin's melancholy response. They were enjoying their late lunch at a five-star restaurant.
Today there was a big meeting at Tin's perfume brand.
Some financiers questioned Tin's legitimacy as the leader of their project after he was no longer recognized as the Haverfield family.
But a warrant clearly signed by Richard Haverfield managed to silence them for the time being.
Unfortunately, the letter arrived late, so a heated debate ensued. The last half hour before the meeting ended, after spending almost 3 hours in that oval room, Mark started thinking about the right words to write a resignation letter to the company where he worked for the last 5 years.
Somehow, something about watching his beloved Boss get insulted by those holy-pretentious capitalists made Mark extremely disgusted by this business.
He thought about making his own version of Tyler Durden and blowing up the entire Haverfield company and subsidiaries.
Or might start protests in the streets and carry a poster that said 'STOP CAPITALISM! DESTROY THE TYRANT HAVERFIELD!'
"Stop that face Mark, how many times have I told you even though I'm not Haverfield anymore I won't follow you to hold a long march against my own family name," Tin said casually as he flipped the next page which still contained Can's photos. Mark just put the least manly pouting on his face. Tin frowned. One word of his expression read, Disgusting.
So he decided to refocus on Can instead of responding to Mark. Tin loved this photoshoot theme. Can was rarely in this style. Tin was a little obsessed with the dark aura Can was emitting from his photos.
Like he was wearing a mask without wearing a mask.
As if it was not him who moved his self.
Can was dressed in all black and stood in a room decorated with a black statue depicting a winged creature with large horns and sharp eyes. Can looked powerful but at the same time was trapped by something.
Tin liked this photo session compared to other photo sessions which mostly showed the image of Can as pure, holy, or sometimes a little childish. Some were sexier, and okay, Tin liked Can's sexy photos too. But somehow, he favored this photo over the other photos.
How Can portrayed the emptiness in his eyes. How his smile didn't feel interpreting kindness. Neither was a crime. It was just plain. Dull.
There was no meaning.
This thing thrilled Tin, as well as making him worry.
"Did you notice?" Mark started talking again after finishing eating chocolate ice cream which was sprinkled with chocolate pudding with vanilla syrup and strawberries as a dessert.
"What?" Tin finally took his focus off his magazine and closed the magazine. Putting it carefully on the table so that the position according to him was quite safe, not too middle and exposed to food and not too edge in case the magazine fell.
"Sammy told me." Tin rolled his eyes at the strange friendship/partnership that had existed between Mark and Sammy. "Shut up," Mark said irritably and then resumed his sentence, "So, we accidentally met yesterday at the coffee shop. Can was doing an interview with a radio station near our agency. He said lately Can seemed to be experiencing a regression."
Tin swallowed his protest about why Mark didn't tell him about this sooner and focused on another question, "What do you mean?"
"You know Can was depressed a few years ago?"
"You mean after Carter and while he started his career again in acting?"
Mark nodded. "According to Sammy, Can was letting out a bit those symptoms a bit again. You know ... kind of withdrawal."
"Some kind of relapse?" Tin asked. Just to make sure they were talking about the same thing.
"Yeah ... I don't know. Can's still doing a good job so far. However, he's increasingly trying to shut himself up the room. Sammy said he turned down socialite events several times over the past month."
"But, you know, he's a little introverted." Tin dispelled the worry in his heart. But that side bothered him and he stared at Can's blank eyes on the cover of the magazine.
Can was in an all-black tuxedo. His gaze was felt far away, felt lifeless.
No idea," Mark said as he scooped out of his boss's completely untouched ice cream. He thought because Tin wasn't Haverfield anymore. So if he ordered something, nothing should be wasted. It was not a time for wasting money if your inheritance rights were just taken away, right?
But Tin didn't seem to care.
He was just busy staring at the cover of the magazine.
Can who kissed him that afternoon.
Tin, who was too cowardly to fix this before things got this bad.
***
Can ran again, already going back and forth 3 times around the apartment complex, offices, and small gardens that filled the area around his house.
London was sunny today.
Can wore a white hoody jacket and gray training pants. Today he didn't dress up like a child kidnapper. And it looked like it worked to keep him from being stalked by police cars.
In his trouser pocket was a blue bottle. A prescription from his psychiatrist to get over the dark feelings that had gripped him the last few days.
Since Tin came kissing him in his apartment.
No, before that.
Since Sky sent him a message and asked to meet.
No, before that.
Since Tin's refusal to meet.
Yes, might be it was.
Can tried not to drink it. Every time he drank it his throat would be very dry and he felt all his bones ache. Anti-depressants were simply not the sweets Can recommended to be eaten by anyone.
But the consequences of not taking this drug were obvious. Can knew very well.
He became distant.
He was more like he couldn't move sometimes. As he did his job, his mind wasn't there.
The world seemed to be spinning 20 times faster around him.
Feeling like everything just went through him.
And he was just silent.
Can like was a welcome old statue, in the middle of metropolitan city traffic.
Worn.
Not moving.
And his psychiatrist tried to give him the option of taking a break, undergoing therapy by administering drugs that were not as high as the dose in Can's pants pocket.
So, Can chose to run. Can ran slowly. Then he sped up the pace, extending his distance from reality.
But he still spun in the same environment. And everything was useless.
To try not to feel the weight in his pants pocket.
To pretend he was like a normal person.
To do morning jogging for physical health.
Not trying to calm the demon inside his head.
Not trying to forget that something was wrong with the chemistry in his brain.
Just kill yourself already ...
Can smiled at the teenage girl who seemed shocked beyond seeing his favorite movie player running through the small park in her neighborhood.
Do you think people really like you?
Can paused, catching his breath.
They're just pretending.
Can watched a pair of grandparents guide each other through the garden.
You will be alone forever.
Can sped up his run, trying not to meet anyone's eyes. Be extra careful with his steps when he crossed the road. Half his mind wanted Can to just stop and let himself get run over by the moving truck. But half of him struggled and forced his feet to get across the street.
"Can!" Can saw a figure of a girl waving at him. The distance between Can and the girl who was now standing right in front of Can's apartment was still about 50 meters. Can's Lasik surgery left minus half in each eye. So, he didn't really recognize her at first.
When she got closer, Can didn't know what to feel, seeing Delilah Adams's timid smile at him. Might be he should slap himself or throw himself in the middle of the road and wait a few seconds before an oncoming car crashed into him.
"Hi!" said the woman with long straight hair casually. "Want to accompany me to drink coffee?"
So Can held his breath, seeing Delilah Adams's timid smile at him.
***
Scarlet Lover was the type of hangout for young people of London. The cafe that Can usually avoided for just hanging out.
Too crowded.
Too noisy.
Too stuffy for the introverted and awkward Can in most social situations.
Yes, of course, Can was used to being polite. But just polite. Can didn't know how to start talking to new people. That was why most of his co-stars had to open up first so Can could get used to them.
Or asking him to fight all the time like Tin. Yep. It worked too.
"They have a weird menu like 3D creamy foam with special shapes from Disney movies. You know?" Can shook his head lightly, then returned to see the menu in his hand. Confusion about what to choose at this time.
What drinks could make your sins forgiven? Can had an affair with this girl's boyfriend when he was a teenager. And they never spoke again after the news bombarded them. After Can and Sky were caught off guard. After Sky left him and preferred Delilah, of course.
Personally, Delilah Adams was a likable person. Sweet and a little flat according to Can for a type like Sky. That was Can's first impression of Delilah. It was still like that even when Can was in a denial phase about his feelings for Sky.
He didn't feel like this woman was a competitor at all or anything.
Yes, he got jealous sometimes. But he was self-conscious enough.
In fact, if Sky hadn't started the initiative at all, Can was really good at hiding his feelings. And might be Can's life wouldn't be this complicated.
"They also have some very potent herbal teas, I heard ..." Can returned the warm smile of Delilah at him at this time.
The girl waved her hand and one of the waiters approached them. She said her order. Can was given a few moments before finally choosing to drink green tea.
"Well," Delilah said, resting his hands on the table after their waiter left with their orders.
"I think I managed to surprise you?" said Delilah lightly. The girl smiled until her narrow eyes narrowed even further.
Can chuckled awkwardly. "A little," Can played his tone to come out like a joke, following her game so far which made this meeting like a reunion between two old friends who had not met for long, not a meeting between the traitor and the betrayed girl.
"You look healthy," Delilah said pointing at Can's outfit which made him look like a sports lover.
Not really.
Can's hobby only was running away from problems. Like literally, running away from the problem.
It came to a point that he realized that the problem was with himself and that he could not escape. But he kept running because fooling himself sounded like a plan. Which would probably work.
"You look good too," said Can in return for the compliment. His voice sounded like a programmed robot.
"Yes, right?" there was a tinge of pride in the sentence. But then the next sentence hit Can, "I mean for a girl whose marriage was canceled by a lover she'd been dating for 10 years?"
Shit. Thought Can.
Did this mean the game begin? Someone should be ringing the gong.
But then Delilah Adams chuckled at the change in Can's face. "Calm down. I didn't come to discuss hurt feelings or anything. Or try to blame you or Sky," she smiled as she closed the menu book in front of him. "Even though it actually sounds fun," said the girl with a bigger smile.
Can should have carried a gun. No, he didn't have a gun in his apartment. In fact, he didn't have it at all. It was just that right now he felt like he needed a gun to carry around. No, not for self-defense. More to shoot himself in the head.
"I concluded, you want to discuss something important?" Can asked doubtfully. His voice was soft and barely audible as it coincided with the influx of a group of gossiping girls.
But Delilah heard it. Because now the girl's smile disappeared, "I want to ask you to meet Sky."
Can made a frown.
"Was he the one who asked you to come to me just to ask this?" Can's tone rose slightly. Somehow he felt half indignant at Sky's attitude. He was angry for Delilah. How could he ask the former lover he had cheated on, to arrange a meeting with his former affair?
"No. Well, at least not directly," Delilah said, a smile back on her lips. But thinner and covered in grief.
Can was made clueless, thank you very much.
The expression was like a weekly crossword puzzle in an old newspaper. You wondered what the answer was, but the next paper containing the answers was too far for you to read.
"Look ... this might sound strange. But I know Sky managed to convince you to meet and chat. But you haven't agreed on a time yet."
"Yes, he said he was out of the country for work."
Delilah nodded. "Yes ... let's just say that right now he can't reach you directly. But I know he wants to call you."
Before Can could ask further their order arrived. Frappuccino for Delilah and some kind of unsweetened herbal tea for Can.
Their conversation was cut by Delilah thanking their waiter.
"So, how are you?" somehow but Delilah hurriedly asked before Can could open his voice to further inquire about the previous sentence.
Can sighed. "I'm not unhappy to talk about my fantastic life," sarcasm crossed Can's words. He meant, he was still a second-class actor whose company blackmailed him, he couldn't just break the contract, his depression was starting to take over his mind again and his relationship with Tin was still floating.
Everything is fantastic, thank you very much.
"But what do you mean he can't reach me at this time?"
Delilah put on a super big smile again. "Well ... you know. He traveled to China and the cost to contact you is very expensive there."
It sounded like bullshit to Can. "He can reach me via the internet."
"You know that the Chinese government restricts the use of the internet?"
Yes, of course, Can knew. But not so much that Sky had to use someone else as a messenger bird.
"He went to China or North Korea in fact?" Can asked, half giving up at last.
"Well ... it's the same. So, you still haven't changed your mind about meeting him, have you?"
Can was silent for a moment. If he wanted a way out, this was offered to him. He could refuse now and ignore Sky's existence again like the last 10 years of his life.
"Yes... I still want to meet him." And Delilah's weirdest expression right now was her biggest smile during today's meeting.
As if she was so relieved that her ex-boyfriend could meet his former affair again, next week, Saturday, lunch hour.
And if Can felt that his life was full of oddities. This meeting was one of the strangest moments in his life.
***