and in the end
all I learned
was how to be strong
alone.
- anonymous
August 25th:
Brown. Such a pure, dejected color.
Mara doesn't remember until now how much she misses that eye color. Sure, brown eyes are considered plain by society's beauty standards. But his eyes are practically amber brown, in the sunlight, so large, they showcase everything he is feeling. As if you are viewing a movie within his irises, they draw you into their acquisition, drowning you in its sentiment.
Mara has missed those brown eyes so much that she forgot how to swim in them. Figuratively and literally drowning, she spits out the ice water she had been drinking, choking on the few freezing drops that trace her throat.
Her whole body stiffens upon seeing Elias saunter into her bedroom stay, Mara pacifically reading a book in the corner. She isn't really reading whatever book it was, more scanning over the words, forgetting the past line she just stared at. It is visitors day, and her siblings had come to see her, sufficient to make her head hurt plenty. Now her body seems to fail upon seeing Elias, Mara figures her eyes must be playing tricks on her.
Blinking leisurely, she glances back at the blending words of her book, shaking her head. As if she can possibly free him with her mind. That isn't her Elias standing in the doorway to her room, just her imagination. Her wicked artistry likes to set her heart into a rampage. Her mind even treasures the distinct smell of his soap.
"Wow, that was rude," that well-known voice graces her eardrums, her head shooting upwards to meet his eyes again. A torrent of emotions is swirling in their pit as he leans against the open door frame, a small smile playing on his lips.
"Seriously, you look so real," Mara shakes her head, whispering to herself, pinching her eyes shut. When she blinks them back open, the dotted haze clearing, he is still there.
"That's because I am," he laughs, taking a step into her room. She holds her hand up between them, stopping him in his tracks. His shoes, scuffing against the linoleum flooring, his scent almost overpowering now as her head grows dizzy, nibbling her lip.
"No, you're not," she shakes her head, a tendril of pinned-up blonde curls falling down to her face. She continues to gawk at him, towering over her as he stalks towards her slowly, she sinks deeper into the chair. The plush fabric against her arms as she braces herself against it, he hovers over her now.
"Oh really? If I'm not real, then how can I do this?" His palm comes to the side of her face, his thumb holding up her jaw. Elias brushes his lips over hers once, twice, before driving harder, devouring her taste. He doesn't realize how much he missed it as he waves over her, her back pressed against the chair.
She is looking up at him as he dragged his lips away, their pinkish color bruised darker. Her fingertips come to her lips in the absence of pressure, a lingering static against her skin. She is burning inside, her body wanting to fall back into him like nothing happened, while her mind tells her to run.
"Sorry, I should have asked," Elias says, running his hands through his growing hair. His eyes are merciful, a bashful smile playing on his lips.
Mara shakes her head, confused, a sudden flood of emotions taking over logic. Her eyes become glassy, her lip trembling as she stares at him with her heart on her sleeve. A pure tear trailing down her face, Mara is so tired of crying all the time. Her chest, constricting with so much grief that she lets out a depthless breath, gasping for air like a fish.
"Woah, Woah, you weren't supposed to cry," he stutters, his arms wrapping around her in a hug. He hadn't meant to upset her, it is second nature wanting to kiss her. Elias beats himself up internally, wiping away her tears with her fingertips.
He knows about asking permission, about consent.
"It's not you," she smiles through the tears, wrapping her arms around his shoulders in her reciprocating embrace. She hugs him to her, and he lets her, his arms hooking around her waist. She uses him to stay above the ice water chilling her lungs, her hold even tighter as she feels his racing heartbeat against her own.
"I'm so sorry for everything. For putting you through that, gosh, you shouldn't have to see me like that," Mara grouses against Elias's neck, her voice strangled as she drowns out another sob. No more tears, no more crying, she is about to be serious with him.
"I made a promise," he susurrates against her hair, kissing the peak of her forehead lightly, his lips lingering a moment. He had told her he wouldn't leave her, and he'd meant it.
"But you can break it. You should break it. This is me, telling you to forget about it," she pulls away from his warmth. His hands come to both of her cheeks, holding her face in his palms. His calloused fingertips, brushing the soft skin under her eyes, where bags have faded with some endured sleep. She sighs, holding onto his wrists so he won't try to pull her any closer, needing the space to breathe.
"I'm not going to," he says, leaning an inch closer. Mara puffs out a breath, grinding her teeth as she guards off her heart. Her sentiments will have to keep at bay to tell him what she needs to say, what she's rehearsed in her head for the days leading up till now. She knows what is best, even if it hurts him and her, it will be what's most becoming for them in the end.
"That's why I am," she looked at him clearly, so he can understand her sobriety. "For your sake, and mine, I'm pulling away from this, from us. Not because I don't feel something. To be honest, I don't know what I feel. And until I can care for you, truly care about you, the way you care about me, I'm not going to keep you waiting for who you think I am."
Mara will have ups and downs, and some will be much more severe than others. Every opportunity before she never had a reason to stay healthy, to be good for someone else. She can sleep better knowing Elias is out there somewhere, content with his life, not weighed down by her intricacies.
"Don't just pull away," Elias opens his heart, feeling disheartened. He understands her words, but this hurts worse. The agony of knowing she is out there, telling him to stay away from her when she knows it hurts him in the end.
"This isn't me running away, Elias. This is me taking the initiative to get better for myself. You just got into college and you have no reason to be burdened by me and my problems that I am working through." Mara tries to persuade him.
"I get what you're saying, but I don't agree," he shakes his head, shifting their weight so he is on the leather chair and she is on his lap. Curling into his embrace, she realizes she probably shouldn't. But it is heartening to them both, their warmth mixing into one, so she lets herself settle for right now.
"That's why I'm not asking," she says, holding his face in her delicate hands. She lightly places a kiss against his soft bronzed skin, his face compressed when she pulls back, "see, it hurts you."
"Can you just promise me one thing," Elias says after a heartbeat of silence, tapping her curled knees two times. Two fucking times, if that isn't enough to send her spiraling.
"Anything," her breathing is heavier.
"I want you to tell me that this isn't goodbye forever," he says with so much raw emotion that she hugs him as if her touch could cure his wounds. Placing her hand against his chest, feeling his heartbeat through the fabric of his shirt, she makes sure he's looking straight at her before talking.
"It was never goodbye forever, Elias. It is simply an I will see you later," she smiles kindly, both of them laughing softly at her teasing. Elias shakes his head, his face turning serious as he stares at her with so much passion and desire.
"Can I kiss you?" He whispered.
"You probably shouldn't," Mara shakes her head, bringing her lips into her mouth. She will admit his words send sparks up her arms, moving to a tingling down in her toes. Her whole body on fire as she tries to subdue that piece inside of her that wants the toxic. The chaos that will inevitably be them as a pair if they stay together.
"It is simply an I will see you later kiss," Elias raises an eyebrow, a smirk falling on his perfect lips. His hand falls to her hip, his palm flattened against the thin fabric of her standard light blue joggers. The touch is enough to send her wanting more of him.
Mara just nods, utterly drunk on him and his words. This is counteractive, they are kissing after she strictly told him to stay away. But she knows that, in a way, it is a reassurance knowing nobody will ever have this much power over them. That they correlated in more ways than one, they will find each other again.
So his lips brandish hers, and it isn't an innocent goodbye kiss as it is meant to be. It's full of so much raw passion that it takes their breath away as they grip onto each other for support. Knowing that each other feel the same way, their heartbeats dancing to their own upbeat rhythm. Tasting each other for the first and last time, they make it count, imprinting this memory to their subconscious.
This isn't goodbye. Elias and Mara can probably never say goodbye for good. But for now, at least, they will solely live in the same world, just on opposite ends of it. Elias will go to college, and Mara would get better for herself.
I will see you later.
Of course, they will.
---
Authors Note:
Thoughts? I've never written like a break up scene.
Like, comment, and follow for more.
- Nia
Edited 4/6/2