Harry Styles
It's snowing.
I should've been expecting it with how cold it was yesterday, but I was convinced I just needed longer to adjust to the New York air. California is obviously very warm compared to here, so I thought the chilled air was this side of the country's usual temperature.
I was very obviously wrong, there now being five inches of fluffy white snow covering every sidewalk, street, park, building top, everywhere.
I woke up this morning to find Aubrey sitting on the dresser at the crack of dawn with her legs crossed to peek out of the window of our room. Her hands were pushing the curtains open just enough for her to see, not wanting to wake me up, and she was sitting on the wooden surface while wearing nothing but one of my sweaters and a pair of underwear.
She went on and on about how pretty it looked once she saw that I was awake, beyond excited to go out in it later on in the day. I rested my head on her and watched it with her for a bit even though I've seen it millions of times before. Her excitement about something so simple is infectious, and I like hearing her talk about it. She even made her way to the balcony in the main area before breakfast to make a snowball and throw it at me.
We got a bit too busy for the majority of the day with preparation for the premiere, Danielle demanding a last-minute fitting to make sure the clothing we tried on months ago is still perfectly tailored to our bodies. We had to decide on our afterparty outfits as well, and she refused to show me hers as a sort of surprise for the big night. She made a request for a certain color she wanted me to wear, and I'm assuming she wants us to match.
There were also the many hairstylists, makeup artists, and nail techs that talked to everyone in the suite about their references looks-wise. Being pampered like that made Ruby extremely excited since she's never been treated like that before, and Aubrey was helping her make different makeup and clothing decisions which made her even happier. Every professional we've met with came to us, meaning Aubrey hasn't been out in the snow yet despite practically bursting at the seams in need to go out all day.
Now, she's putting a black beanie on my head and adjusting my hair with the new covering. My curls stick out a bit at the bottom, curving upwards around the lower portion of the hat. She grins at me once she sees that it's on, smoothing her hands over one of the two thick black puffer jackets Danielle insisted that we kept after hearing her rave about the weather like she has been nonstop since she saw it.
The other one is covering her more petite self, my eyes trained on her as she adjusts the white beanie on her head to make sure the puffball on the top is centered correctly. Her hair is down today, flowing out from beneath her hat and resting perfectly on her shoulders. She doesn't have any makeup on due to not having any time to apply it with all of the planning chaos. I couldn't be happier about it, honestly.
I like the days where she feels comfortable enough around others to go bare-faced for the day. I love how she looks either way, definitely not being one of those guys who thinks she's "fake" for enhancing some of the features already on her face to begin with with a bit of makeup when she wants to. I don't know if guys realize how stupid they sound when saying things like that.
She's absolutely beautiful either way, so why would I care?
Once she thinks her hat is okay, she turns to look at me and gestures to her outfit with an excited bounce to her every movement, "Is this good?"
I nod in approval, "Mhm."
With our jackets and hats, we also have two pairs of sweatpants layered on top of each other to keep us warm. She also has on white boots, while mine are black. It's hot to wear all of these layers inside, so I'm definitely ready to go out there. I also know how adorably excited she's going to be about this, so I'm looking forward to seeing it.
"Do you have a plan on where to go once we get out there?" I ask as she's reaching down for one of my hands to put a glove on it, doing things for me that I could easily do myself.
"I always have a plan." She nods, her hinting tone assuring me that this is a thought-out adventure.
Once my right hand has a glove on it, she puts another on my left. It feels weird to wear these with rings on, but I don't want to take them off. She has her own pair of white ones on already, her hands looking even smaller than usual in comparison to my own.
"You know, I'm the one that grew up around snow. Shouldn't I be getting you ready?" I joke.
"Nope." She shakes her head right away, giving my hands a pat once they're covered to signal that she's done.
I feel like I know why she's doing this despite my further experience with this weather. I send her a look of question to see if I'm right, her nodding in response after picking up what I'm nonverbally asking. I smile a bit at her need to do things for me, nodding in obedience to show her that I understand.
She's doing this for me since nobody ever did when I was younger.
"Are you sure I don't look stupid?" I ask as she signals for me to follow her to the door, not really knowing how I feel about going around everyone else all bundled up for the snow like a child.
She scoffs and looks up at me, pushing herself up to her tiptoes so her arms wrap around my neck and her face is closer to mine. Her eyes travel my face for a minute, a lump in her throat being swallowed for an unknown reason before she says anything.
"I think you look cute."
"Really?" I question her as my hands habitually fall to her hips even through the puffed material of her jacket.
I like the sound of the word cute being directed at me when it's coming from her. Only her, though. If anybody else called me cute, I'd probably be offended by it.
"Mhm." She nods, her cheeks being a bit more noticeably tinted from the warmth of the layers coupled with the heating of our suite.
"I guess we can go, then." I act like it's a hassle, her lips finding mine before she lets go of me and leads me to the door.
She grabs onto my hand naturally, opening the door just a bit and peeking out of it to see who's still awake. It's nearly 12:00 am, so there's a good chance after a long day that they've separated to their rooms by now.
"Nobody's out there." She informs me before pulling the door to be fully opened instead of just a crack.
I nod as she pulls me out, our footsteps attempting to be as quiet as possible so we don't disturb anyone. The hallway is dark, my eyes taking a second to adjust so I can see where I'm going.
I don't remember the last time I left the safety of the indoors for the hell of it, and the same goes for her, which is why we both have knives tucked into our jacket pockets. You can never be too careful, especially in a city like this one, and I'm not taking any chances.
I packed my gun with me, of course, the private jet ride making bringing it along with me very easy. I just don't want to freak Aubrey out with the presence of it when this is her moment to enjoy herself. She exposes herself to it a few times a week and is getting so much better with it, but I'd rather not risk stressing her. Not tonight. Tonight is going to be nothing but her childish excitement and my enjoyment of the sight in front of me.
The material of our coats makes a bit of noise with the thump of our boots down the stairs, our movements quick and as quiet as they can be given the circumstances. She almost trips over her pant legs down the stairs, making us both chuckle a bit and cover our mouths to keep us quiet.
We make it to the bottom of the steps without an actual fall, going through the large first floor through the dining room, past the pool table, and through the large living room to the door. She hurries to pull it open, both of us sliding out with her excited laughter being all I can hear.
We go down the elevator, her body bouncing a bit in pure excitement and lips curved upward into a tight smile. I simply keep laughing at the look of her, shaking my head and brushing the underside of my nose with two of my fingers. I know she's only seen snow a few times in her life, explaining her excitement entirely, but it's still such a contrast from the people I'm used to being around when this weather strikes. Everyone besides Ruby either complains about it or doesn't care to begin with, and Aubrey is the opposite of all of that.
She's so excited she doesn't know what to do with her body while we're stationary in the descending elevator, jumping a bit on the balls of her feet and grabbing onto one of my hands to play with it while waiting for us to make it to the first floor.
The second the golden elevator doors slide open, my body is being hurriedly pulled to the exit of the building. I have to quicken my pace to keep up with her speed, the sound of my boots against the nice flooring of the foyer being perceivable in my ears.
My eyes dart around the nice main area as we rush through it, realizing I didn't focus on it when we arrived yesterday due to her excitement once again. She's excited about every little thing about this city, and I find it adorable if I'm being honest.
My glasses aren't on, preventing me from deciphering color to the best of my ability. Every decoration and aspect of the large space down to the flooring is what I think to be white with gold detailing. I can see the white, and gold seems like the best match for some of the objects that all seem to have a shared color scheme. There's a large crystal chandelier in the center of the ceiling, warm light from it illuminating the room as the large decoration hangs down to be in everyone's view.
There's a front desk to my right, a rest area and dining hall to my left, and spinning glass doors in front of me. I'm pulled forward, the rotation of the door seeming straight out of a movie in this fast-paced trip outside for something as trivial to a good amount of people as snowfall.
We go into the same space of the spinning door, it not being a squeeze given how nice and large every aspect of this building is. She glances over at me with excitement filling her eyes, seeming to have some sort of plan larger than a simple walk. She almost looks nervous about it, but I'm too caught up in her excited look to bother asking.
The second we make it outside and our boots meet the snow with a crunch, I see her measure of joy increasing to levels I didn't know existed. The relatively large flakes fall from the sky and pack onto every possible surface, some getting caught in her hair along with the threads of our hats.
The streets are dead due to the late time and amount of snow, no plows being through here for the last few hours which makes it difficult to drive in. There are only a few trails from tires driving through the freshly fallen snow, the flakes coming at such a rapid pace that those trails are already beginning to be filled in.
Instead of basking in it for more than a short minute, she pulls me to the left and guides me down the sidewalk as her eyes observe our surroundings as intently as possible. All I'm doing is watching her, her enjoyment of this being so effortlessly mesmerizing.
"I can't believe it actually snowed." She sighs in amazement, her eyes unable to look at mine since they're too busy taking this in.
"I'm happy it did."
"It's so pretty." Her eyes sparkle as she looks at everything around us, from covered cars to coated windowsills.
I nod in agreement, noticing her catch my nonverbal response in her peripheral vision as she peers down the street in search of something. She then pauses our movement at a crosswalk, looking both ways before pulling me across the street.
"Where are you taking me?" My brows furrow, seeing that I was right about there being more of a motive to this than an aimless late-night walk.
"You'll see." She shrugs, giving away that my assumptions are correct.
"When?" I try to get an estimate as to how long of a walk this will be since it's a mere 27 degrees out at best.
"Eventually. Talk to me while we walk, Styles." She instructs me, calling me by my last name like she knows I enjoy from time to time.
We make it to the other side of the street, still going in the same direction from our building but on the opposing side of the road, "About what?"
"Anything, everything." She shrugs with her ominous answer, making me shake my head since I'm going to have to come up with the start of this conversation.
"How are you feeling about the premiere tomorrow?" I decide to ask, wanting to hear her talk more than I'd like to speak myself.
"Do you want my honest answer?" She asks through a sigh, letting me know that this won't be a simple expression of excitement.
"No, I want you to lie to me." I speak sarcastically to lighten the mood with how serious she got all of a sudden.
She laughs at my statement, her eyes then breaking from me to look at the snow-covered sidewalk beneath our feet. Our boots leave prominent prints with every step, a trail of where we're headed being created temporarily. The snowfall fills each print rather quickly, though, so they'll probably be covered by the time we make our way back down this very sidewalk later tonight.
I give her a minute to think about what she wants to say, not wanting to push anything out of her but also wanting to hear her thoughts if she's willing to share them. I know she must be scared about going out, but her recently higher levels of happiness have clouded my vision and almost made me forget about the fact that our every move could easily be monitored by the wide range of possible suspects we have yet to narrow down.
"I'm scared." She breathes out the confession while speaking in a slightly shameful tone, almost as if it's something she sees as pathetic or not worth it.
"I am, too." I try to make her feel a bit better, sharing her feeling of a lack of protection when going out like this.
"I just wish it didn't have to be like this. I wish nobody was watching us, I wish what happened at the club had never happened, I wish my moms could be catsitting Charlie right now instead of having no idea where he is or if he's even okay at all, and I wish I didn't have to bring a stupid fucking knife with me when trying to go on a walk. I wish I could feel completely safe."
I hate that there's nothing I can do to protect her from this. We have no retrievable evidence, no way to find out who it is doing this, and no clue where the hell they even are due to their recent silence. Are they here? Do they know where we're staying? Are they planning something for tomorrow since it's a big day for us?
"I wish we could just figure out who it is." I shake my head, thinking about how much easier it would be if our suspect list could be narrowed down to one. We could have a sort of focus and know what to look for if we knew who it was doing all of this to begin with.
"Part of me wants to know, but the other part can't help but think about how finding out who they are probably means they got close enough to actually hurt one of us." She gives her side of my statement, providing me with a whole new perspective that changes my view on this entirely.
I stay quiet for a moment, trying to think up a scenario where we could figure out who they were with our lack of information on them without them being close enough to do any damage. It's nearly impossible now that I think about it, and I'll be damned if they think I'm taking that chance. I don't care what I have to do or how long we have to stay locked away in the loft, they aren't going to lay a finger on her.
I'm not letting someone get hurt on my watch ever again. Not after those awful 12 years of my failure to provide my own sister with protection.
"Well, now I hope they somehow fall off the face of the earth so that never happens." I attempt to make another sort of joke, hating thinking about the possibility of her being hurt and not wanting it on my mind for much longer.
I also hate the idea of being hurt myself, but that's more for her reaction than it is my own personal well-being. A few months ago, me getting hurt wouldn't be a concern of mine in the slightest. Knowing how that would impact her changes that, though. It makes me want to remain safe for the sake of her emotional reaction in relation to me. I'm not going to hurt her again. Not after our rough start. That's the last thing I would do.
Part of me wishes I could just buy us a house in the middle of nowhere and hide her away from the rest of the world so I can be sure of her safety at all times. That would be selfish of me, though. She has family, friends, a job she likes, and things she'd miss. I'm also terrified of offering something that serious to her, not wanting to scare her away with my seriousness or anything.
"I just..." she trails off in an attempt to gather her thoughts, "The last time I went to a party, three shots were fired at me and I left the place with glass in my back that I still have scars from almost a month later. I can't help but worry about the afterparty tomorrow night. Really just being out all day, in general, terrifies me. I'm surprised I have the courage to walk around right now."
"So why are we out, then? Other than your need to see the snow." I try to figure out why she'd drag me through the streets late at night if she could barely even push herself to do it to begin with.
She sighs as she thinks of her answer to that, hesitating a bit before opening her mouth which worries me a bit. With the tone of everything she's said in relation to going out, I don't think it's going to be anything close to positive.
"Because if it all goes to shit tomorrow, at least we'll have today."
"Don't think like that, Bree. Do you know how much higher the security is going to be this time around? They're patting everyone down. Even you and I." I remind her, that being done per my request since I'm not taking any chances. I don't fully trust anybody going tomorrow night besides her, Ruby, Zayn, and Niall.
I want to say I trust Louis, too, but he hates Aubrey. I know he's starting to get over those feelings, but still. You can never be too careful. Until I'm entirely sure that this isn't his doing, I'm keeping my slight distance.
I know Aubrey would be heartbroken if she knew I didn't fully trust Jade, either, so I'm not telling her. It's not that I think she's the root of all of this or anything. I know Jade wouldn't do anything to hurt Aubrey. Me, on the other hand? I'm not so sure. There are many other suspects that have much more reasoning behind them, though. I don't think she's the one doing it, but that doesn't mean I trust her.
"I'm not trying to be pessimistic about it. I also just really wanted to see the snow and have a calm moment before the chaos with the cameras and people in our faces for the majority of tomorrow." She adds.
"I'm sure everything will be absolutely fine, and we'll go back to the suite tomorrow night after a very successful day feeling relieved about all of it." I squeeze her hand to give her a form of comfort while we walk.
She squeezes mine back as she says, "That's all I could hope for. This is a big moment for both of us. I want it to be nothing but happy."
I begin observing the area in front of us instead of the side of her face as our conversation dies with nothing but a nod from me, some buildings being on the opposite side of the road while there's a patch of grass and what seems to be a playground on this one. Nobody is out here, of course, because most people have the sense to stay indoors when it's nighttime and below freezing.
We've said it from the beginning, though. We're insane.
She goes off the path of the sidewalk, making her way through the grass and making me assume that the playground ahead is our final destination. I laugh and shake my head a bit as I'm dragged behind her, her eyes looking behind her every so often to look into mine and nonverbally ask if I like it. I nod in response, not fully understanding why we'd go here of all places but following her nonetheless.
It's a bit tough to walk through the thicker layer of snow on the grass, more effort needing to be used to pick up our feet with every step. Her hair is full of thick snowflakes at this point, the white fluff flowing throughout her locks. It's probably covering her hat just as much, but her hat is white, so there's no way for me to tell.
We make it to the spacious playset, her mind being set on a specific location and avoiding the questions from me about why we're here in the first place. She drags me all the way to the back where there's a plain swingset, her glove-covered hand being used to brush the snow off of both seats and indicating that she wants to sit on them.
"Swing with me." She tells me instead of asking.
"This thing was made for children." I narrow my eyes at her a little, not saying yes instantly.
"But I think it would be fun. Please?" She knows the final word she says will do me over, a proud look on her face as she can tell I'm starting to give in.
Oh, the things I would do for you, Aubrey Hart.
"Fine." I make it known that I'll do it, watching her dramatically bounce on the balls of her feet and clap her hands a bit.
She automatically sits down on one of them, her hands holding the chains that connect the seat to the main bar above our heads. She patiently blinks at me, waiting for me to sit down like she is before she starts swinging. She wants this to be an us thing, so she doesn't want to rush it and get too ahead of herself.
I reluctantly sit down, it feeling odd to be sitting in one of these since I definitely haven't since grade school. Even then, the times I actually used them were few and far between. Niall was in the year below mine, and we weren't always in the same group for break. I didn't have very many other friends and couldn't really relate to their lives, leaving me with a lot of alone time sitting with my back pressed to the brick wall of the building.
Now, though, I'm making a happy memory on a swing set right beside her. The woman who changed me and forever has left her mark in my life just by being herself. The one who saved my life and gave everything about it a meaning it never had before. The one who makes me happier than I've ever been. So happy I will sit here and actually call myself happy. I don't think I've ever called myself that before. I don't remember the last time I was so undeniably smiley and starry-eyed. Even hearing her excited laughter as we begin to swing in sync has my heartbeat rising.
It doesn't get much better than this, does it?
We use our legs to slowly start elevating higher on the swings, staying relatively at the same height throughout it. The large snowflakes hit my face every so often with the movement, melting the second they come into contact with my warm skin and leaving wet spots all over it. The old chains of the swing squeak with each pump of our legs, this being such a childish moment that I think I may be enjoying a bit too much.
She starts to work harder than I am, reaching a higher altitude than me and glancing over in my direction once she realizes it. Her snow-filled hair is flying all around due to her movement, a big smile on her face as she seems to be making this a sort of competition.
"I'm going higher than you!" She states as if I couldn't see that with my own eyes, this feeling like such an elementary school moment that I definitely experienced with Niall as a kid.
"Because you're smaller than me!" I shout back over the squeak of the swings, laughing at her excitement over this.
"Right..." She squints at me to tell me my excuse isn't enough.
I start trying a bit harder to catch up with her height, meeting it almost instantly since I weigh more than her which gives me more leverage when I try hard enough. She doesn't seem to like that, which makes our competition get to the point of our swings nearly flipping around the top bar holding the chains.
"Jump with me!" She proposes.
"Why?!" I question why we can't just put our feet on the ground to stop our movements.
"It'll be fun, I promise!" she assures me, reaching her hand out to me in the midst of our rapid swinging, "Here!"
Her glove-covered hand is then taken in my own, fingers interlocked as my arm rests in front of the chain holding this swing on the bar. This connection forces our movements to be synced, her laughter filling the air as I wait for her next direction since she's the one who proposed jumping in the first place.
"Ready?!" She looks over at me, getting a bit of an adrenaline rush from something as simple as a swing in the middle of an empty playground.
I look at the empty patch of grass in front of us, making sure there's nothing she could somehow hit and hurt herself on when jumping. My gaze catches nothing but snow-covered grass, making my eyes find her bright ones again with a shrug.
"I guess!"
"1..." She counts down with the forward pump of our legs, letting me know when we'll be jumping in unison.
"2..." She speaks with the next forward motion.
"3!"
She jumps off right at the third count, causing me to go at the same time. We jump pretty high due to how quickly we were moving on the swings, my landing being on planted feet while she lets go of my hand and crashes to the ground with a laugh.
Even though I heard her laughter, I can't help but squat down next to her as she lays on her side, "Are you okay?"
She nods as she turns to lay on her back, her hair spread out to her sides as she calmly rests on the blanket of snow with a wide smile spread on her face. She looks at me on my knees beside her, one of her hands going to my thigh to assure that she's fine since she senses my genuine worry due to how clumsy she can be at times.
She looks up into the sky, there being no visible stars due to the city lighting, of course. All that can be seen is a vast amount of darkness, the only invasion of our eyesight being the falling flakes all around us. She sticks her tongue out in an attempt to catch some of the frozen rain on it, succeeding after a minute which has her closing her mouth as if she's trying to taste the small bits of ice.
I force myself to look up into the sky for a minute instead of staring at her like some lovesick idiot for far too long, the falling of the flakes in this serene moment being a nice thing to watch once I actually focus on it. I feel her hand leave my thigh after a minute, causing my gaze to automatically fall to her like it always wants to.
She tosses a small snowball at my chest once she has my attention, saying, "Lay next to me in the snow, Styles."
"I don't know... should I?" I act like I'm dodgy about it, making her roll her eyes and impatiently wait for me to do it.
Before I know it, my back is to the snow and my body is right beside hers, both of us looking into the night sky like it's the most fascinating thing we've ever seen. This moment is rare for a place like New York, the rapid motion of the city almost never dying. Right now, though, we feel like the only two people here. Like nobody else matters. Like we're untouchable.
I begin focusing on her after not too long of attempting to train my eyes on the sky, her gaze wandering all over the nothingness above us. I don't have my glasses on, but I still catch the flush of her cheeks. I know that means she's cold, and her face and most likely the tip of her nose have a red tint almost like they do when she blushes.
Her eyes are sparkling as they travel around everything, her side profile meaning I only get to see one of them. It's almost like the city lights are reflecting off of them or something, but it's really a deep shine purely stemming from her enjoyment of what's in front of her right now.
Her breath puffs into the air and leaves a sort of condensation because of how cold it is out here, mine doing the same thing right in front of my face and clouding my vision every so often. Her breathing is a bit heavy from the swinging, too, her puffs of air being more rapid than my own as her lips seem to be permanently curved upward to bear teeth in her smile.
Every aspect of her captivates me every single time I look her way, something about her making my eyes constantly fall to her when I'm in her presence. I could never get tired of just watching her, though. I don't care what she's doing, observing her while she does it could never be boring to me. It's my Aubrey, after all. She's the farthest thing there is from boring.
Everything about her catches my eye. The way her face blushes with every compliment. The way she fiddles with her rings in nerves. The way her eyes are a bit puffed when she first wakes up which almost always makes her end up falling back asleep for a few more minutes with her arms wrapped around me. The way she constantly gives hugs and shows some sort of physical affection with people she cares about. The way her entire face lights up when she's happy about something, giving it away to the world and being absolutely unable to hide it. The way her eyes sparkle a bit when she's talking about or looking at something she's passionate about. The way she has such an attachment to trivial things like fruit and flowers. The way each of her tattoos carries a sort of meaning to her that has to do with a person in her life, her care for them getting to the point of wanting a reminder of them inked on her skin forever. The way her face looks so focused when she reads, always hanging onto each word on the pages her eyes trail. Every single thing about her.
I've never felt this level of captivation and pure infatuation with another person, everything about her, every word and move consuming me entirely and making my stomach twist and my cheeks burn bright red. She doesn't even have to do anything for me to feel this way about her. Seeing her is all it takes. Touching her is all it takes. Hearing her voice is all it takes.
All of the things I thought were movie bullshit months ago have now come to life, every emotion I feel and cheesy moment I experience further solidifying what I've known deep inside for what feels like forever. What I've known but never shared in fear of something going wrong or scaring her away with the depth of it all. While I've made it painfully obvious, I know how she is and know she won't fully believe it until I directly tell her.
And while I never in a million years thought I'd actually tell her out of my own fear of the feeling, something about this moment just seems so right. I feel the words threatening their way up my throat as my body begins to tremble and break into a sweat despite the cold temperature.
I just can't seem to convince myself not to say it this time. I've almost said it on multiple occasions, something always scaring me out of it or cutting me off. Right now, though, I don't see that happening.
There's snow in her hair, she's smiling, her face is red, and I'm laying right beside her in the middle of a big city with absolutely nothing on my mind that doesn't have to do with her. She's all that's ever on my mind. Whether I'm right next to her or not, she's the center of my thoughts and all I ever want to talk about with anybody. I've only ever used this word in reference to my sister, but god, here I am feeling it in such a deeper sense that I don't even know how to fully handle.
She's everything. She's home. She's always. She's my long game. My person. My saving grace. My Aubrey.
What used to be just for tonight is now all I want for eternity. I never cared entirely much about living a long life, but being in her presence has made me realize that there's so much to life that I haven't seen yet. So many milestones I used to call stupid like marriage and kids and getting old are now things I find myself thinking about. I think about them because I want to have Aubrey in my life for as much time as possible. I want to see parts of her in our children down the road. I want to do all of those stupid things like picking out names and decorating their rooms and helping them with homework. I want to get closer to her parents and learn more about her sister and stop being so hated by Jade. I want to be a part of everything that's important to her. I want her beside me forever.
I want to wake up next to her every morning and fall asleep by her side every night. I want to keep doing little things we already do like showering together and wearing each other's clothes and eating every meal of the day together. I never want to live in a place without her again. It would feel so empty. There would be no sense of home if I went somewhere without her, and now that I know what home feels like, I can't go without it.
My breathing is rapid from how many thoughts I have racing through my head that are all in relation to a singular three-word phrase I've tried to express to her in any way I knew how to. I always kiss her three times, and it started once I began to realize what I felt. It was a very subtle way of saying it. Telling her without actually telling her. What if she didn't catch it, though? If I terrify her with these words and ruin everything we've taken the time to build together?
Still, my dry throat full of more nerves than I've ever had before clears itself, allowing me to speak up, "Bree?"
She breaks from the sky above us and the falling snow to turn her head and allow her pretty eyes to meet mine. She's still smiling widely, the look of her making my chest and throat tighten in the same way it does when I'm about to cry. Everything about her just overtakes me with more emotion than I know how to deal with, and I can't keep it to myself anymore. I have to express it in the only way I know how to, this word honestly not seeming like enough to encapsulate it in its entirety.
"Yeah?" She notices the intensity of my look after a second, her big eyes searching mine for some sort of explanation for the look.
"Can I tell you something?" I feel like I could throw up out of nerves right now, this being so completely out of my comfort zone but necessary to gauge if I'm insanely too deep or if she's right there with me.
"Always." She nods, eager to hear what it is as a couple of snowflakes land on her eyelashes and make her blink them away.
"Just, um, if you don't want to, don't say anything back. You don't have to if you don't want to." I give her a sort of preface out of nerves, her face gaining a more serious look to it.
"Okay..." She waits for me to continue, nodding to urge me to keep going.
I take a deep breath, feeling sweat build on my forehead as these layers of clothing are suddenly far too much despite the chill of the air. My cheeks are probably blood red, my hands shaking to the point of having to be clasped together in avoidance of her noticing the tremble. The reassuring look in her eyes is the only thing keeping me grounded, making me take a breath and try to stabilize myself enough to say the words. I can barely breathe and feel like I'm almost choking on air as my lips part to finally speak after minutes of hesitation.
"I love you."
My heart feels like it's going to break through my chest as its pulse rings in my ears while I await her reaction. She looks to be a bit stunned at first, making me mentally punch myself in the face as I can't allow myself to break our eye contact despite the fact that I'm almost entirely sure of the fact that she doesn't feel the same and I've overstepped.
I immediately start barreling out more words to fill the silence, "I'm sorry if this is too much or if I'm overstepping with this. You don't have to feel like you need to say anything you don't mean. You don't have to feel what I do. I wasn't even sure if I felt it at first because I've never done anything like this before and this is all so new to me and I—"
"Harry." She cuts my rambling off, her look of shock turning into a smile.
"What?" I feel my heart stop with the sound of her voice, not feeling prepared for whatever it is she has to say.
"Can I tell you something?" She quotes my previous statement, my nerves being so unbearable that it's hard to remain still while laying like this.
"Always." I nod, repeating her response when I asked her that same question.
She takes a deep breath, the lightened snowfall making this moment seem to go in slow motion as she gathers her thoughts with a gulp. It feels like hours of silence, though it's actually about 20 seconds if that.
"I love you."
And with that statement, time stops.
"You do?" I automatically question it, so convinced that I've been insane and this entire thing has been one-sided.
"How could I not?" She smiles at my nerves, turning her body so she's laying on her side so she can fully look at me.
I remain speechless with that one, having never felt genuine love from anyone other than my sister before. I'd almost deemed myself as unlovable after everything that happened with my parents and the horrible treatment I always underwent. I began to think that it wasn't real. Only Ruby would ever feel it for me. I would never get to experience what I constantly acted out in movies because it was a load of fake bullshit created to give hopeless people some form of hope.
"And I don't want you to think I'm just saying it because you did," she assures me, "I've known for a while."
"You have?"
"Mhm," she nods, "I love you more than I know what to do with, Harry. More than things that I've considered important for much longer than I've known you."
"What does that mean?" I keep questioning, her words seeming to solidify the feeling much more for me since she's so much better at articulating these things in the right way than I am.
"I love you more than strawberries. I love you more than roses. I love you more than books. I love you more than all of the little things that I'm so oddly obsessed with and have been since I was little. I love you more than life, H."
"But you need all of those things to survive. How can you put me above all of that?" I still can't comprehend what she's saying entirely, my heart about ready to pound its way out of my chest and into hers like it's felt the need to on many different occasions.
She nods in agreement with my words, trying to think of how to correctly say what she wants to for a minute. Her eyes don't leave mine as she thinks, eventually coming up with an answer and opening up her mouth to speak.
"But I need you more."
Completely starstruck by her words, I do the only thing I know how to and turn myself to quickly push my lips into hers. The kiss is so entirely full of electricity, a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders now that I don't have to carry that weight on my shoulders alone anymore. I'm so extremely relieved that she feels the same way, my anxiety fading now that I'm kissing her and so completely sure that she's it for me.
She's all I'll ever want, all I'll ever need, everything. She is the most perfect person in the world in my eyes, and here she is spending all of her time on me of all people.
A phrase stemming from my childlike excitement keeps repeating in my mind, almost like a sort of pathetic cheer due to the reciprocated feelings. It rings in my ears as she kisses me deeply while laying in the middle of falling snow late at night. Her gloved hands on my cheeks, her hair wet from fallen snow, her nose cold from the chilled air as it presses to my skin, and her exhale meeting my inhale against my upper lip.
My chest erupts with warmth, my legs feeling weak and my heart pounding insanely fast as I kiss her back with everything I have and try to really prove just how much I mean what I said. How long I've been waiting to find the right words and the right time to actually be vocal about them.
All of my nerves have faded and been replaced with overwhelming levels of excitement and happiness, so entirely ecstatic about the fact that this will be yet another memory with her that I'll never in a million years forget. I couldn't dare. I'm too happy to ever forget this as my mind keeps repeating that same cheer with a sense of victory, so honored to be experiencing this with her and ready to keep deepening our feelings if that's even possible.
And in pure happiness, the phrase ringing in my mind gets louder. It's the only thing I can hear over my deafeningly rapid heartbeat, my chest swelling with the prospect in the realization that she feels the same as me. She actually feels exactly what I do for her. I'm not crazy.
She loves me, she loves me, she loves me.