c h a p t e r 1 2 :
s t u p i d m i r r o r s
Lunch went by smoothly. No sign of Hayden whatsoever, I was thankful for that.
On the other hand, there was something else bothering me, and strangly it had nothing to do with a certain man with green eyes.
I had my second therapy session today. In a minute actually. I stood there, bearly standing on my legs, in front of the dark wood door. Moving my hand up to knock.
I wouldn't say my last session went horrible, it was just unexpected. This lady knew almost everything about my life, about the two most heartbreaking things that happened to me. I didn't know how to act. I wasn't used to opening up to people like that.
The door opened, a welcoming smell filled my nose. I quickly walked into miss Capaldi's office, greeting her.
Her curios eyes took me in.
'So dear' she began when I finally sat down 'it has been a week since you arrived, how has it been ?'
'It's been good' I play with my hands once again 'it has been great actually.'
'And why do you think it has been great? A certain person or thing that makes you like it here.'
'I would say my friends have an impact, Evy and Alyssa they have been with me all this time, explaing and showing me the fun sides of greenpeace.'
'That's good to hear' she writes down a few things, I try not to look at her papers 'have you felt any change, mentally? are your thoughts different or maybe your moods?'
I think about that for a second.
'I'm in a better mood yes, but my thoughts have not changed' I pause for a moment, thinking about what I am planning to say next.
'I still think about River all the time, every second of the day.'
'That's not necessarily bad' Ann says calmly 'it's normal that you think about him a lot, you loved him, it's just the pain of his death, try not to think about that, when you think about him, think about the good parts, the good memories and the fun times, let your mind see the happy side of him, not what happened to him.'
I nod. I could try. It doesn't hurt to try. I bearly thought about our happy memories together. It's awlays the same scene I see in front of me, his lifeless body on the ground.
'Maybe you could try to tell me something nice, a fun memory perhaps?'
'I-i don't think I'm ready to share that-'
'Of course, I understand' she smiles and somehow I smile as well 'so Alyssa and Evy right, could you tell me more about your new friends ?'
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Alyssa's room was fully decorated with all types of plants and paintings. She liked painting, her desk was covered in different paints and filled with small things she was currently painting. Her room smelled like her, fresh paint and red bull.
'I need to look sexy tonight' Alyssa says, searching through a rack of clothes 'jeff will be there tonight.'
'Can you name one boy from the 10th that you haven't hooked up with ?' Evy said rolling her eyes.
'Uh duhh, Andre ?'
We all laughed at that. Andre was twelve years old.
'Not twelve year olds included!'
'You didn't say that.'
Evy had already chosen her outfit for the party, it was still march so it wouldn't be as hot outside. She decided to wear a black miniskirt with a white crop top, and a brown knitted top over it.
Alyssa pulled out a black strapless dress, her eyes glowing.
'This is it, this is the one.'
'I bet jeff is going to love that' Evy said, then she turns to me 'and what are you wearing ?'
'I thought about this' I pointed at my outfit. I was wearing white baggy jeans and black oversized hoodie, river's hoodie.
'This is a party, Angel.'
'I don't feel like dressing up, besides no one knows me there so why does it matter.'
'It matters becauses everyone knows you there.'
I strongly disagreed with her but I didn't say that out loud.
Both Evy and I sat on the bed, while I was doing her make up. Alyssa went into the bathroom to change.
'You don't have to go if you don't want too' Evy said when we were alone in the room.
'I don't mind' I said, smiling weakly.
'It's just that, you always look sad' I look up from the eyeshadow pallet on the bed, to her worried eyes 'I know you try to hide it but I can see the sadness in your eyes, I just thought this party would help you a little, make you happier in some way' she laughs a little 'it's ironic really, me telling you that you look sad when we're both in a mental hospital.'
At her words, my heart melts. Besides my father, I haven't been used to people caring about me like that. People I do not know, bearly know.
Since the day River had passed, I had lost all interest in life which included friends and everything coming from it. It didn't take a long time for Amara and Neomi to drop, my former friends. Amara and I knew eachother for so long, my most beautiful memories of high school were with her. She was there when I had my first cigarette and started smoking after the death of my mother. She had been there when I broken down on the floor during my mother's funeral. And I was always there for her. We had eachother's back.
And even she didn't stay when I needed her the most. When I needed to be cared about.
Evy cared, maybe she didn't show it that often but I saw it in her eyes. She was a good person. And I didn't deserve her.
So I smiled, I actually really smiled from the bottom of my heart.
Something I haven't done in a while.
'Thank you' I whisper 'thank you for caring.'
I swallowed down my tears, no cryinf in front of others.
Her smile grew wider, and before I knew it, she pulled me in for a hug.
Not long after Alyssa came out of the bathroom, looking like a godess in her black dress. She wore a lot of gold jewellery complimenting her skin tone.
'Uh I think I'm gay!' Evy said when she entered the room, looking at Alyssa. Not long after her gaze turned to me and I noticed the hanger in her hands 'I found you something.'
I took the clothes, heading into the bathroom to change and wash up while Evy was doing Alyssa's make up.
I look at myself in the mirror, my eyes close for a moment. I hear Alyssa's laughter and Evy's voice in the background.
I open my eyes again. Hating what I see again. I usually avoid mirrors because every time I look at myself, I become frustrated. I hate my body. I hate every single thing about myself.
And the worst part ?
No one knows, no one even suspects a thing. My dad has noticed by now that I am not eating enough, but that's not it. I have been struggling with food for years now. I hate it. I hate food, I hate my body and I hate mirrors.
But there is nothing I can do about it, so I keep starving myself.
(angel's outfit)
Evy and Alyssa both stare at me in awe when I enter the room.
'You're immaculate' Alyssa says.
I smile.
'Says the godess herself.'
'Oh please, every boy will be looking at you tonight.'
'At us !' I correct her.
I sat down in front of the small mirror, applying some concealer to hide my tired eyes. I apply brown eyeshadow and some glitter, a lot of mascara, blush and clear lipgloss.
My hair I left as it was, straight and long. Not long after, we all sat down on the bed, talking and laughing as we waited for all the lights to go off.
Let the fun begin.
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