Long, loooong overdue chapter. If you need a recap, check two chapters previous for a short recap that's still applicable for this chapter!
As for usual, this is unedited. Very unedited. Very.
I'm sensing there is only a couple chapters left of this book, 2-4 tops. Now that I'm finally getting around to publishing more, I am committed to finishing in the next two weeks. TWO MORE WEEKS OF SAMI'S KISSES. WOW.
*****
"Thank god I finally found you," Carissa breathed a sigh of relief as she slid in to the booth next to Ashton, uninvited.
"Finally?" I tried to clarify, still in disbelief that she was standing here in front of me.
"I've been trying to track you down for months."
"Months? Carissa, I've been here the entire time, right where you left me. I'm going to your old high school, you didn't think to check there?" Hearing my own voice full of bitterness gave me a mild out of body experience, and I grew confused as to whether I even wanted to be found by her in the first place.
"Yes, months, Sami. This isn't the first place I searched, I tried Mom and Dad first." Beside Carissa, Ashton's straw made an obnoxious slurping sound as he got to the bottom of the milkshake. "Do you mind?" Carissa asked him, annoyed.
"Me? Do I mind? I'm Sami's friend, of course I mind."
Carissa looked at me with pleading eyes, and I sighed. "Ashton, I think it would be best if I had some time alone with my sister."
"Really?"
"Yes, I think you should go home." When Ashton seemed like he was about to protest, she cushioned him a little. "I'll see you later, promise."
Ashton grumbled a few things under his breath, but slid out of the booth when Carissa stood. Once he was gone, they continued.
"Some friend you have," Carissa judged.
"Carissa, stop. You don't know anything about him, or me and what my life has been like for the last eight years. So what do you want? Why are you here?" I continued to surprise myself with my conviction against Carissa. I was open to talking with her, but forgiveness was not on the table for me yet. Not until I could understand why she was here.
Carissa sighed, "I know you're trying to get emancipated from Mom and Dad."
"And?"
"I just saw them a few weeks ago."
"You did?"
"Yes. They are living in Iowa."
"What? They're living in Iowa?" My shoulders hunched over in disbelief. Even though I was trying to separate myself from them, legally, it still hurt to know that they put so much distance between us physically. I thought the sting of their abandonment was gone, but it was still very much alive.
Carissa seemed surprise that I didn't know this piece of information, "I'm sorry, I thought you knew."
"They left me two years ago, Carissa. How could you possibly know that."
"That's fair. I deserve that."
I put my face in my hands and rubbed my eyes, exhausted. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm on my own feet, for real now. When I went to Mom and Dad, I was looking for you because--" Carissa reached over and grabbed my two hands in hers, in a way that was warm and comforting.
But, it scared me. Was it real affection? Was it in pity? Or remorse? I felt the growing urge to get out of this conversation, confusion was at an all time high. I wasn't sure where it was going, but I could feel a tightness in my chest that told me it was trouble. "You know what, I can't do this. Not today, not here. I just, I can't."
And I bolted. Charged out the side door of the diner, worried that Ashton may be in the parking lot and sprinted away as fast as I could. I don't know where I was going, exactly, but knew I had to get out of there. My feet led me to the high school, where I collapsed under the bleachers at the football field.
Struggling to catch my breath, I rolled over on to my back and panted, wishing to escape from this crazy, messed up situation.
I couldn't bring myself to go back to the cafe, at least not until I knew for sure it was safe. After the midnight bells rang, I trusted it was probably safe to return. However, feeling extra skeptical, I decided to wait a little while after that. By the time I returned to the cafe for sleep, it was after two in the morning.
Sleep did not come easily that night, or the next. I didn't have the strength to make it to school, and hid out in the apartment for over twenty-four hours. Both Jenny and Ashton tried to come up and check on me, but the door was locked and I did not answer any of their knocks or questions through the door. I just couldn't.
I did a lot of thinking about Carissa, wondering if I should have heard her all the way out. It was only six days until my next court hearing. Even though they had delayed it, there was still a brief hearing that was scheduled and moving ahead as planned.
Was she trying to convince me to go back to Mom and Dad? Move to Iowa? Was she wanting to apologize? Had she been the reason the emancipation hearing was experiencing complications?
I didn't know if i wanted an apology, but it almost hurt more to know she might not feel remorse for the night she slipped out our bedroom window.
*****
School, I thought as I stared at the big building two days later. What is the point of school anymore?
My education was wilting. Feeling unusually pessimistic today (or was it just realistic), I wondered why I even bothered attending this place. It paled in comparison to life outside of these walls, where real life was messy and falling apart.
I breezed through the first few classes of the day, but made an active effort to skip out on math to avoid Ashton. I needed to stay in my own bubble and not have it popped by someone who knew too much. So when third period came around, I found myself slipping in to oblivion and making my way to the football locker rooms on the opposite end of campus.
When I entered, I took a liberating breath of fresh air. It felt nice, despite the lingering smell of teenage boy sweat that was permanently part of the building's infrastructure.
"Sami?"
I just in alarm and nearly choked on air with my sharp inhale, until I saw Isaac crouched in the corner.
"Isaac, you scared me."
"Sorry. And I'm sorry if I disrupted your peace. I'm sure you came here to be alone."
"No, it's fine, really."
The two sat in silence for a minute.
"Are you okay?" He surprised her by asking.
She sighed, "I hold on to hope that I will be. One day."
Isaac nodded sadly.
"Are you okay?"
"One day," He tried to smile. "In the meantime, do you want to play some cards?"
Feeling like I could use a little fun, I smiled in return. "I'd love to."
It was great to enjoy a light-hearted activity with someone who understood what it was like to feel low, or different, or troubled in a way that was unlike their classmates. The two of us played Go Fish all the way through until lunch time. After we each won three games, we were both in better spirits and ready to return to the hallways.
We walked up the hill from the football field, when I spotted Ashton near the bleachers. Almost immediately, he spotted us.
"Is that guy your boyfriend?" Isaac asked.
"No, of course not," I scoffed.
"Well, the way he's marching over here, he certainly seems jealous," Isaac commented. I looked at Isaac funny, since he suggested it like it was the most ludicrous thing it the world.
I started to laugh, and then we both were busting up. It felt so freeing to laugh again that it was difficult for either of us to stop, which clearly did not diffuse any frustration Ashton was feeling as he approached us.
"Sami," Ashton greeted, with a small glare at Isaac. "Good to see you are actually alive and well, seems like it's just me you're avoiding again."
"Ashton," I began to sigh, the freedom of laughter was gone from my soul as quickly as it had arrived. "I'm just too tired for this."
"It's okay, Sami," Isaac tried to comfort me, but that just aggravated Ashton more. He was doing a much better job at containing his anger, but I could tell he was growing increasingly annoyed. Isaac could tell, because he then tried to comfort Ashton, "We just ran in to each other. We both needed a friend to take our mind of the real world for a minute, but that's all."
That seemed to bother Ashton because he grabbed Isaac by the front of the shirt.
"Ashton, put him down," I spoke up firmly.
"Hey man, sorry, I don't know what you're mad about, it's not like that with me and Sami," Isaac defended.
"It's not like that with me and Ashton either, he has not basis to be angry with you," I snapped in Ashton's direction. "Ashton, put him DOWN."
"You're on his side?"
"His side? You're making sides! I'm not going to stand here silently while you seem like you're rallying up to punch him, I'm not okay with that."
"Do you like him or something?" Ashton snapped back when he released Isaac from the threatening grip, catching me off guard and making me wonder if he was jealous. "It all makes sense now. Because as you've made very clear just now, and the last few days, you don't like me."
"Ashton, that's not at all what I'm saying. You're not my boyfriend, I can hang out with another guy."
"It's really not like that," Isaac defended himself again, clearly repeating his previous statements and very nervous about Ashton's temper.
"Oh yeah?"
"It's not," I confirmed, knowing what Ashton didn't.
This, for some reason, riled Ashton back up and he took a few bold strides toward Isaac when Isaac held up his hands and blurted out his biggest defense.
"I'm gay!" He yelled.
Ashton stopped and I sighed, feeling guilty that coercion was how Isaac admitted something so personal.
"Did you know this?" Ashton asked me.
"You know?" Isaac asked, also confused.
"Yes, yes I know."
"For how long?"
"Close to a year," I admitted. Judging his confused expression, I clarified. "Anna is my cousin, as you know. She would kill me for telling you this, but when you were tutoring her last year, she had a humongous crush on you, and she had her feelings hurt when you didn't feel the same way. That's why she's so mean to you. Not because you are gay, but because she felt rejected. I can't explain it."
"Wow," The two boys said in unison.
"Hey, dude, um, I'm sorry. I was rude," Ashton ducked his head, ashamed.
"Oh, it's okay."
"So we're all good here?" Ashton asked the group, trying to smile over his awkwardness. I shook my head and turned on my heels and hurried away.
"Wait, wait, wait, Sami," Ashton jogged after me, and cut me off my standing in my path. "What's wrong?"
I sighed, "I just can't do this. I don't have the mental capacity right now for more drama that I already have."
"Sami, I didn't mean to--"
I grabbed his hand, gripping it softly between both of mine. "It's okay. I just need some space for awhile."
"Sami," He began again. His voice was leagues softer than it had been just minutes ago. "I don't want you to feel alone."
Not knowing what else to do, I wrapped my arms around him. "It's not necessarily you, I have my own stuff that I do need to be alone to figure out."
To my surprise, he hugged me back tightly, as if he was trying to protect me from something and didn't want to let go. It was harder than I expected, but I softly broke free and ducked my head to move past him.
But it was true. Right now, I was facing my biggest demons. And I needed to face them on my own.
Thankfully, that had been Thursday. And since I threw up several times in the early hours of Friday, Jenny had called and excused me from school again. This time, however, we both knew I wasn't sick with the flu. This was from extreme stress.
Still, it was nice to not worry about school. At least not for a few days. But my physical and mental energy were at an all time low. I didn't know what to do about Carissa, with her lurking about somewhere nearby, so I confined myself to my room. If I didn't embark in the world, at least I didn't have to risk running in to her and hearing all that she had to say. I wasn't ready for that yet.
Jenny, however, was growing increasingly concerned. And it was getting harder and harder to keep her from breaking down my stone walls. It reached an nonnegotiable point on Sunday night.
"Okay. Honey, you've got to tell me what's going on."
"Jenny," I tried to fight.
"No, you need to tell me. It's getting to the point that I cannot simply stand by and watch you in this much pain anymore. I know you're pending trial for emancipation, they have visited several times to ask about you. To make sure you have people watching over you, that you aren't without guidance. I'm here for you, sweetheart, but you need to tell me exactly what is going on. Because this, is not healthy, and is not the condition of any teenager who should be living on their own."
That did it. That was the tough love, the real love that I needed to hear. I knew in that moment, I was going to tell Jenny everything. Everything.
She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and rubbed back and forth, sensing that the floodgates were about to open. "I'm here for you, Sami. You are strong, perhaps one of the strongest people I know. And you're not any less strong for needing someone. You don't have to do this alone."
Right then and there, for the first time in a very long time, I didn't feel like I had to.