A few days later
The past few days they had tried to find a new routine with being back at work again and now staying at Andrew's place since they still had to quarantine away from their families. Meredith had stayed on the couch, even though Andrew tried to offer her to sleep in his bed and he would take the couch instead. And he knew that even though they were able to bring down all these walls and fears step by step, there was that one thing that held Meredith back from allowing herself to let herself go in what they have completely. And he had a suspicion what it could be, but he wished she would talk to him to know what exactly scared her, to know if he could do something against it or just try to find a way together. But she had asked for time and he wanted to give that to her.
But today he noticed that she was more distant again, and as much as he wanted to give her time, he wanted to help if he could because she wasn't alone anymore if she didn't want to be.
They had just gotten home. Meredith was in the kitchen pouring herself a glass of water when he saw her with her thoughts in her own world again.
"You're very quiet today..." Andrew started softly, trying not to startle her while he went over to her, stopping next to her.
"Hm?" She turned her head around at his voice.
"Mer, what's going on?" He took a step closer, encircling her waist to bring her in his half embrace.
"Nothing. I need to call my kids."
He tilted his head, giving her to notice that he knew that something was wrong, asking her to tell him more, while he put a strand of hair behind her ear and then let his hand rest there.
"I... I lost two patients today." She stopped for a moment, seeing the confusion on Andrew's face and then added "One because of Covid and one... He had a severe abdominal wound... And... It made me realize once again how different everything could have gone for you." Her voice got a little unsteady towards the end while she turned her head away to avoid his eyes.
Andrew slowly let his thump travel to her chin making her look at him, giving her a small smile before he embraced her completely, pulling her a little closer to him, feeling her hugging him back, her hands on his back trying to keep him close while she let her head rest against him.
He was holding her in his arms until he felt her taking a deep breath before she loosened her grip slightly.
"Now go and call your kids, they are probably already waiting." He whispered, letting her out of his embrace.
"We'll talk later?" Meredith looked up at him.
"Yes." Andrew put a short kiss into her hair before she left to talk to her kids and he prepared some dinner for them.
...
Some moments later Andrew had prepared some snacks for them and put them on the table in front of the couch, bringing them each a glass of wine. They ate and enjoyed their dinner while Meredith told him about the kids and what they had experienced the past few days. After they finished their dinner, Andrew put the plates back in the kitchen and joined Meredith on the couch in silence for some time until he heard her speak.
"I was scared to lose you." She said quietly.
Andrew looked up at her, trying to find her eyes, wanting to give her some reassurance, but he knew all too well how it must have been for her. He had been so scared about her, too. And then he looked down for a moment, taking her hand in his.
"I was scared to lose you, too." He started slowly "I know Bailey likes to tease me for it." He put on a small smile "But every evening I went to check your stats... Because... I couldn't sleep not knowing if you were really okay..." He trailed off with his thought, the memories still hurting him.
And then he felt Meredith leaning in to kiss him, tenderly, more grazing his lips than anything else before she embraced him.
"You are still scared, right?" Andrew whispered after another moment, pulling away slightly to find her eyes.
"I... I think a part of me will always be scared after everything... But yes... I'm terrified to get hurt again."
At her words he took her tighter in his embrace until she let herself completely lean against him.
"That's why you still try to keep some distance?" He whispered into her ear.
"Is it that obvious?" She turned her head slightly towards him, so she could look at him.
"First I thought that it was because of everything that had happened before I got diagnosed..." He started slowly in a soft and quiet voice "And I think it was a part of what held you back because so much had happened... But I think what really holds you back is the thing that scares me too. To get too close again... Because I know now how terrified I was to lose you, how much just the thought of losing you hurt me."
"You do know that I'm not that good at talking about all these things like you do?"
"I know that." Andrew had to chuckle slightly, looking at her with a small smile.
"I want to be with you, Andrew." Meredith started sincerely while she took his hand, making them both look down at their hands for a moment until they heard Andrew's reminder to take his meds and get enough sleep.
"I want to stay with you tonight." Meredith stated, looking up at him.
"Are you sure?"
"No, but I want to try not to let my fears hold me back anymore."
Andrew tightened his embrace around her one more time while he closed the distance between them and leaned in to kiss her slowly.
"You know you're getting pretty good at this. Talking about your feelings." He said when he slightly pulled away, looking into her eyes.
"I think I have spent too much time with you." She answered, making them chuckled a little.
Andrew put another kiss in her hair before they both got up from the couch and got ready to go to bed.
...
"Good night, Mer." Andrew whispered once they laid down together.
"Can you hold me?" He heard Meredith next to him and she didn't need to ask him a second time until he brought her in his arms. They both needed this tonight after everything they have been through the past few months.
"You know I would do anything for you, right?" He whispered into her hair.
"I think you have said that some time ago." She chuckled slightly, turning around in his embrace, so she was turned towards him.
"Good. Because it's still true." He put a short kiss onto her lips.
They stayed in silence for some moments, just enjoying the feeling of lying next to each other again, when Andrew felt how Meredith moved herself a little more towards him. And he knew her well enough by now to know that something was still getting to her.
"What's on your mind?" He prompted softly, trying to bring her to open up to him.
"I would have missed you. If you hadn't survived, I would have missed you." She whispered into the crook of his neck.
"But I'm here." He brought his arm that was lying around her to her head, caressing through her hair.
"And if you hadn't?"
He stayed silent for a moment, not sure what to answer, not wanting to think about what could have happened "You would have been okay." He whispered quietly.
"I'm not so sure..."
He stayed silent for another moment before he started softly "If anything should happen to me, I would want you to be happy again... Whatever that might look like for you... Your job, your kids, or being with someone else... I would want you to be happy."
"You wouldn't be jealous." He noticed how Meredith tried to look up at him.
"Maybe... but I would want you to be happy."
"I would want you to be happy too."
And then Meredith leaned up towards Andrew to give him another kiss before they tried to get some sleep.
_____
End of chapter 10
_____
New chapter 😅 I'm not sure what to think about this one, I like some moments... But it turned out very differently from what I imagined... But... here it is :)
And only one more chapter... 😢