My eyes squint open, being blinded by the sun which was streaming through the French doors as I stupidly didn't close the curtains last night when I got in from our meal out. After how heavy the conversation got during our meal and the vast amount of food I had consumed added to the pain I put myself through walking back from the restaurant with stilleto heels on I had forgotten to shut the curtains in my hast to sleep. I rubbed my eyes, trying to rub the sleep away, praying that this jet lag would not effect my first proper day on this beautiful island. Lulling in this new found state of relaxation as I watch the sea from my bed, I was brought back to reality when I hear a share knock on my door. "Come in" I yell, quickly covering myself with my bedsheet suddenly realising I hadn't even bothered to put pyjamas on last night, Luca slowly opens my bedroom door, I let out an internal grown really hoping this would be Adam who is quickly becoming like a brother to me in this house, Luca held out a mug as a peace offering... I was confused as to why he was here, it was way too early to try and use my brain to understand things.
"I brought you coffee... as a sort of apology for my words last night" He started, "I had no right presuming your reasoning to be on this trip and I am sorry for this, we are all here for different reasons and I hope I don't make you feel uncomfortable again." He is staring at me intently, his emerald eyes piercing through my soul, with those eyes I wouldn't be surprised if he could burn a hole through this bed sheet.
"Umm, morning. Thank you... I certainly didn't expect this this morning." I patted to the spot next to me on my bed. What am I doing, I'm naked with just a practically see-through bedsheet covering me and I'm asking a boy who has just apologised to me after bringing me a coffee onto my bed. He knows the gateway into a women's heart, Coffee! "What is the time?" I ask Luca as he lowers himself onto my bed, "Its nearly 10.30am" He replies,
"WHAT!" Oh My God. I never stay in bed this late, I need to get up n..." I went to leap up out of bed for dramatic effect only to be pulled off balance as the bed sheet covering my naked body disappeared from around me, of course Luca was sat on my bed holding the sheet down with his weight because I ASKED HIM to sit next to me, its my own fault really. My cheeks went bright red, as I lay heaped on the floor naked with only a lace thong to hide what is left of my dignity, I tried to cover myself as best as I could with my hands, Luca begins to giggle, hand over mouth trying not to look but hopelessly failing; this makes me laugh and within seconds we are both laughing at my naked self on the floor in a heap, this just sums up the amount of clumsiness I hold, he bends down so his face is inches from mine, grabs my waist, with a firm grip with his bare hands on my bare skin he lifts me up and pulls me back on the bed, not even attempting to look at my chest, instead as soon as I am secure on the bed, he puts me down and pulls his white t-shirt up over his own chest and once off gathers the arm holes and signals for me to put my arms in and ever so gently like I am a china doll pulls the t-shirt on me, which I must say drowns me it is so big. I then realise that Luca is now the one semi naked in my bed and I am still semi naked in bed. If I needed anything to make me fully wake up this morning it wasn't coffee but in fact this most embarrassing incident that had just occurred between Luca and I, one I hope can be kept exactly that, between us.
"I better taste test this coffee you have made me. See if it is up to my standard" I try to joke with him, brushing off what had just happened. I took a impactful sip. I gave my verdict, "Wow this is the best coffee I have tasted In Fiji" Trying to make myself look funny and clever because I haven't actually had a cup of coffee since landing on the island.
He laughed; thank the lord he gets my humour otherwise that would be awkward, a patronising compliment. "Im glad you think so, I actually make the best coffees in the area so let me know if you would like your coffee fix like this every morning, Although next time I promise not to play a part in you lying in a heap, naked on the floor" To this, Luca laughed at what he thought was a hilarious flirty joke, obviously proud of himself, I joined in the laughter. It was so nice to see him relaxed and normal like this rather than shut down with words like venom like last night.
After the laughter died down, I took another sip of my coffee, turned to look at him in the eye incase he tried to avert the question and asked"So how come you responded so nastily last night?" I began, "I did not expect the conversation to move so quickly south in what was a light hearted conversation trying to get to know the guys I will be putting my trust into for the next four weeks" I finished off, hoping I finally got my point across. What these guys have to realise, well mainly Luca as I think the other three understand my thought process here, but I am putting a lot of trust in them as a young girl, never travelled on her own before on a strange island with mental health struggles, I am vulnerable and bound to feel even more vulnerable than what I look like. I need the support of these guys, I need to trust that they aren't going to hurt me or do unimaginable things to me.
"I am so sorry if I have broken the trust or made you feel uncomfortable here. I think what you are doing is so brave and there is no one in this house that feels as strongly as I do about protecting you whilst on this trip; I hope you understand that?" Luca replied, I had no idea he felt this way about me, a warm fuzzy feeling spread over my chest, that comfort he thought he had taken away from me finally returning as I now felt like I had someone that was definitely going to look out for me whilst on this trip, although I am pretty confident that the other boys also have my back during our stay here.
"I hope you don't mean you want to protect me through controlling me?" I replied, the warm fuzzy feeling now quickly vanishing as I get flashbacks to the abuse I went through previously at home; maybe not all men treat woman that way, maybe Luca meant protect in a different way? "Sorry, previous trauma creeping its way in. You and the boys have made me feel so secure being in your company and even question what would have happened if the house share was with completely different people. I am actually quite excited for what adventures I have to come with you guys on this trip... Obviously we all don't need to be attached to the hip on this trip and can do our own thing. I hope you don't think I am just going to be clingy this whole trip with you and the boys, I want to explore myself too!" I rushed this last bit, I don't want them to get the wrong impression; one of the reasons for me going on this trip solo was to become more independent, confident and adventurous without relying on anyone else.
"No, No of course not and I would hate for you to get that impression from me. Honestly, do not worry about me or any one of the guys here controlling you. Just saying but we aren't all like that guy you were with, presuming this trauma was a guy! I am so glad we have made you feel like that, you'll be glad to hear I am pretty excited too about the adventures that are to be had on this magical island. I won't stop you from doing anything you want to do, whether that be on your own or within the group and I can't imagine the others would do that either, do not stress. When you are ready then you can open up about it if you want but I understand it is a very sensitive subject; I too had my run in with an abuser and I also abused myself greatly; I can be a very good listener. Again I am sorry for my previous actions, I can get a bit in my head at times where it goes to a dark place, I am working on improving this part of myself as it isn't pleasant for the people around me." Luca literally said a monologue and I was wondering when he was going to stop for breath.
"Okay... You are sure you won't be like that? No one else will? I can't have anyone else manipulating or controlling me again, I need this trip to be a better version of myself, not go backwards. Im so sorry that that happened to you, it can be a very lonely place and I completely understand those dark places, places I have visited myself. I am here if you ever need to talk too, I would imagine we can resonate with each other a bit." I smiled at Luca when finishing this hoping it brings him comfort for my understanding. "Now enough of this serious talk, I need to drink this coffee and plan for our first beautiful day on Fiji." Nudging him slightly with my shoulder, Luca proceeded to nudge me back and I giggled before taking a sip of coffee, Luca copied. He readjusted himself in my bed so he could lean against the bed rest and look out of the sea, before I do the same, I quickly get out of bed pull down his t-shirt as far as it would go over my bum and went and drew back the curtains by the French doors and opened them up, stood out and embraced the warmth, the fresh air hit me and I breathed in deep filling my lungs with fresh air and ran my hands through my knotted hair, suddenly realising that I wasn't alone in my room. I turned around ready to go back to bed and drink coffee to find Luca watching me do this display of appreciation of where I was outside the French doors. I went a little red and looked to the floor, quickly shuffled back to my bed and took another sip of coffee.
"Enjoy that?" Luca asked with a smirk,
"I did actually. It felt so real and refreshing, as if I had just woken up for the first time in months, years even." I practically whispered, I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks.
"I could tell, it looked enchanting... you looked captivating. I'm sorry to make you feel uncomfortable for saying that; I kind of feel like I am in a movie being here with my boys, staying in a house with the most beautiful woman I have ever seen on the most idyllic island, it is truly paradise" He was now blushing himself, shocked at what he had just blurted out. I suppose honestly is the best policy.
"Im waiting to be woken up, this feels like a dream that I actually created. I never thought I would be brave enough to come somewhere like this on my own after everything I have been through" I rested my head on his shoulder, a gesture to show that I am completely in awe of this experience we have created for ourselves, just as he is, he reciprocated and rested his head on mine gently as if to say he knew exactly what I meant; "Maybe today we could have a morning on the beach with the guys and then a trip into town to explore our local high street before doing a big stock up on food as this house is practically empty of food." Luca said, I nodded my head on his shoulder "Sounds like a plan."