"Nothing makes you feel more naked than someone identifying a desire you never knew you possessed." -Jeff Zentner
chapter 37
Fly and Scar left about five minutes ago-- the tinsel blonde looking like he enjoyed teasing the god way too much, and the other done with life-- and he has yet to venture into the bedroom again.
Castor hasn't come out, either, and he really isn't sure what's going on in his boyfriend's head right now.
All Jazz knows is that his anxiety has chosen a rather unfortunate time to prance around in his chest and that he's a mixture of scared and turned on; both causing unnecessary adrenaline through him.
What if... what if the celestial wasn't okay with being marked like that? The musician never asked if it was okay, and although they did talk about boundaries they never specified about those types of things.
It was his first time, he isn't used to controlling the certain... urges that coursed through him. It was mostly instinct and learning what both he and Castor did or didn't like while it was happening.
He was ready, mentally, and his body had yet to catch up by being overwhelmed. He was fine with Fly, Scar, and his family knowing-- all of them knew and were raised to know there was nothing shameful about something as natural as sex-- but what if his god wasn't?
What if he didn't want anyone else to know?
What if Jazz messed up? Was Castor mad at him? What if he totally fucked things up now? Would he want to leave the island early, would he not want to see him anymore?
"Jasper?"
His mint eyes look up, and he realizes that the celestial was standing in the doorframe, frowning at him. His boyfriend's song was wary, confused almost, but his colors, all those greens, seemed to give out some sort of hurt acceptance.
Like he was expecting this.
His gaze swept up his chest, seeing more marks than he first noticed.
How harsh had he been to make those kinds of bruises?
"Did... did I hurt you?" Jazz can't help but to ask.
Castor lets out a laugh, the worry in those lightning-strike gray eyes giving way to something lighter as he shakes his head and walks up to the musician, wrapping his arms around his neck, "I'm not hurt, Jitterbug. It's--bit hot innit--more than I expected, but you doing this doesn't bother me. If I didn't like it, I'm pretty sure you'd be able to tell."
Would he, though?
He gets lost into his thoughts, into his anxiety a lot, and doesn't notice things.
He's literally walked out into traffic before, Viv barely just saving him from a very bad situation before he even realized he walked out onto the street.
"You have to tell me if I do something you d-don't like, okay? Even if you, if you think I noticed," Jazz said, pressing their foreheads together, his hands gripping onto his star's waist to tug their bodies together. It made him a bit more anxious, but the comfort of having Castor this close was enough to level it out. "Are you okay with these, though?" He lets his fingers run up some bite marks against his side.
Castor tenses against him a little, and he loosens his hold but that seems to make the star a little disappointed, "I am--bit hot innit--it's just, I'm not used to being around someone after that. Or really having these many marks." He admitted, looking away from the musician. "But with you, I like it. Everyone around can tell I'm yours, you know."
"That's kind of the reason I made them, my star," Jazz chuckles, leaning further down to nuzzle his face into his neck. "I know I get overwhelmed sometimes, and I'm sorry for that, but I'm not like those people. I don't want to be anywhere you're not, especially after being intimate with you. That's... that's special, and something I want to share with you."
Castor doesn't say anything for a moment, and he begins to think that he said the wrong thing, but then his god is wrapping his arms around him tighter and going onto his toes to wrap him in a proper hug.
"Thank-- cheers-- you, Jitterbug," He rests his head on the musician's shoulder.
"I love you, Castor," Jazz holds him closer, too. "And I know I've said this before, but you're so much more than a body. Never forget that, okay?"
Nodding against him, Castor stays quiet besides an odd tic here or there and just lets his boyfriend hold him, both of them enjoying the moment. This-- being close, both physically and emotionally-- was just as intimate as anything they did last night.
It was healing, too, in a sense.
He never thought that he'd get the chance to be this way with someone.
Never thought that he'd feel safe enough with a man to let his guard down, not so soon after ending things with Keres, anyways. Never thought that he'd have the opportunity to love someone and be loved like this.
It was a new sense of purpose, of joy.
Castor made him happy, it was as simple and as complicated as that. An anomaly made of love.
***
The last three days on the island were spent relaxing and playing games. It was full of laughter and love, and lots of teasing from his family about how he went all caveman on Castor. It was all playful and it made him more than a little red on multiple occasions.
Jazz enjoyed all of it, even packing his things-- which he did the day before-- in preparations to them leaving today.
But things also quickly got boring, sitting around and just waiting for the plane, so it wasn't long before all his sisters, Viv, and Flynn made their way to the couple's cabin to hang out with them and ease their boredom.
They already all ate, and the musician was sure to make sure that his god had enough to eat, and since Castor was a little sour because of that, he got a cute glare in return but it just made him smile.
The celestial is far from scary.
The plates were already taken care of but when his boyfriend got up to take care of his almost empty cup, Dela and Fly pounced on the opportunity to create some mischief.
"Break his cup," His twin whispers, her dark eyes intent with a probably very stupid plan.
"What?" Jazz's eyes widened while his two older siblings just sighed or snickered. "Why would I do that?"
"To see how he would react," She grinned.
"Oo," The weirdo and the tinsel blonde said at the same time. "I want to see that."
"Castor will just get confused," He tried to reason.
Fly snorted, "He'll make a joke, I guarantee you."
"What if he gets angry?" Nyx is the one to ask this, her dark blue song twisting in front of her face, blocking it from view but telling him she didn't actually think his star would do that.
"Awesome Roommate won't get mad," Viv rolls her eyes, eccentric song bouncing up and down. "Have you met the man? He treats Jazz like a King, dudes. Like, you don't even have to ask what's poppin' with him, you already know."
"Just do it," Dela shoves his head slightly, not hurting but annoying him enough to retaliate by jabbing her in the side. "I dare you, you bi bitch."
"Stupid lesbian," He grumbles back, making Eris frown at him. "Not you, Rissy, just that brat." He points to his twin.
"Go before he comes back," Fly bounces in his seat.
Sometimes, he reminded Jazz a little too much of his Tio Gus.
Getting up to do what they said to-- honestly, he was so bored and it was just a glass, he could easily buy another one-- and found himself in front of Castor, who didn't have time to say anything as he just... slapped the glass out of his hand.
The flinch that the god made was almost enough to get him to get onto his knees and ask for forgiveness but he didn't, the tinsel laugh he could see coming in from the livingroom stopping him and the fact that he'd probably get glass cut into him.
They could hear the conversation and it was a dare, after all.
Castor stares at his hand, as if he didn't know what even just happened, before his lightning-strike eyes lifted to narrow at him, "Are you actually the one--one, one, one--who has Tourette's?"
Sometimes, Jazz just sees something like a water bottle on a table, or a bowl on the edge of the counter, or a weird stick in the middle of the sidewalk and when he knows breaking it won't hurt someone else, he does it.
It gives him a little satisfaction, for whatever reason, to just watch as the thing falls to the floor. Honestly, most of the time he's just way too curious to know the kind of sound that it will make.
But this isn't one of those times, and even though the glass just fractured a bunch of times instead of breaking, he couldn't help but to feel a little bad.
"I'm not," Jazz replies as quickly as he can, pressing a kiss to the side of his star's head and swiftly walks back into the living room before his anxiety gets the best of him and he admits that what he did was some weird test his sisters-- and Fly-- came up with.
They're all silently watching him when he walks into the room and Viv makes a thumb up gesture with one hand, then a thumb down gesture with the other.
With a grimace, he points to the thumb up.
He did not like doing that.
Sitting down on the loveseat, it's not long before Castor comes back into the room, his song a green mess of sea foam and chartreuse, confusion clouding both of them. Sunflowers are added to the mix, however, when Jazz opens his arms for cuddles and the celestial is quick to sit in his lap.
The musician smiles into his hair, happy that although confused his god wasn't upset with him.
"By the way, Amazing Roommate," Viv pats Castor's head as she walks past the couple, sitting on the other end of the couch before kicking her feet into the air, resting them as if they were on a table when they aren't. "I hid your phone somewhere in the house. Not this room. Or the bathroom. Good luck, great grasshopper."
What? When did she do that?
Seeing Castor look at him, about to ask for help, the musician forces himself to shake his head and say, "You're on your own."
Viv snickers behind their backs-- which he's sure that the god doesn't see-- and he wrinkles his nose at Jazz, song turning a little confused but not offended. Deciding to look for it, Castor stands, giving him a kiss on the cheek and going back into the kitchen to search for it.
"Do it again," Dela instantly urges.
"Why?" He groans. "You already saw how he reacted. This is just amusement by now."
"No, no," Flynn jumps into the conversation. "It's totally part of a test. You gotta do it."
"I don't have to do anything," Jazz frowned.
The tinsel blonde frowned back, "Please?"
"Uh..." Jazz stalled, then nodded.
What's the worst that could happen?
Swiftly standing, he begins to follow the celestial's steps and ends up finding Castor in the hallway, holding a vase as he stares down at it with unblinking eyes.
Moving to pin the god to the wall, Jazz presses his body into his boyfriend's to keep him still as takes the vase-- throwing it to the other end of the hall, so if there was any flying porcelain he wouldn't get hurt at all.
Just because he was breaking things, doesn't mean that he'd be doing it while risking Castor's safety.
"Jasper?" Castor's voice is calm but confused and his green song swirls in a canopy of conflicting emotions above his head.
"Sorry," He sheepishly tells his boyfriend, dunking his head in embarrassment but walking away like nothing happened a second later-- stuffing his hands into his sweater so the god couldn't grab him. By now he knows that his boyfriend won't risk triggering him
Believing that, he's surprised enough to freeze when arms wrap around his waist-- Castor's hugs make him stop walking all together. His arms and shoulders flex when the god carefully rests his head in the middle of his back. He's not used to someone touching him there and although he doesn't mind it, the scars on the sides of his biceps scream their protest.
"What's going on?" He asks, his green voice floating up and around, as if it was trying to envelope him into a hug, too.
"I dunno," Jazz mutters, ears going a little too warm for his liking. He just hopes his little star doesn't notice.
But, of course, the observant little god notices anyway.
And, of course, he has to mention it.
"You're so red, why?" He mutters, pressing his face onto the musician's back and it makes him practically melt against his boyfriend. Castor is just... he's warm and he's everything. His presence feels heavy, like there's so much connecting them yet so light at the same time.
It was really nice.
Jazz didn't like trying to make him mad but he was bored and it was better than his twin and best friend double tagging him and annoying him as much as possible.
Plus, the chances of him actually pissing Castor off?
Very, very slim despite what his anxiety tells him.
"Um..." What should he say? Should he just tell him? "You're h-hot?"
Castor, without a hint of fucking hesitation, laughs. The chuckles feel like odd vibrations against his back and look like swirls of soft mint leaves spilling over his shoulders.
Jazz whines and dunks his head, "You're so mean to me, my star."
"You're the one-- throw, throw, throw-- breaking things." He growls back.
"I'll do it again," The threat only begins to hold weight when the musician sees the vase at the end of the hall, close enough to walk to in two steps and new enough not to hold any sentimental value. "I will, you tiny god, don't test me."
"Those are expensive, Jitterbug." Castor warns.
Right, because that's what he's concerned about.
"Not to me," Jazz says happily, going to step forward and letting out a soft whining noise when the celestial's arms tighten around him. "Castor, let me go so I can break things."
"Not until--" He squeaks, interrupting himself. "--you tell me why you want to break them."
"Hm..." Jazz takes a moment to realize that yes, while his god is strong he physically can't do much when someone like him uses their larger frame to their advantage. "Tiny god." Repeating this, he twists in his grip, bends down to place a kiss onto his lips before bending even further to pick Castor up and over his shoulders.
"Jasper!" The celestial growls, one hand gripping the side of his head, fingers locked through his curls and the other hand gripping the back of his shirt. "You can't just-- bit hot innit-- manhandle me like that!"
"Your british accent says otherwise, star."
With that, he knocks the vase right from it's spot and watches as it shatters onto the hardwood floor. Huh. That sound made an interesting color.
"Why was it purple?" Jazz frowns, tilting his head. Usually things like-- glass, vases, anything that clinks-- look orange or light blue when they break. Never that purple.
"Ugh," Leaning into him, Castor rests his head onto his, now at the proper height to do just that from how the musician is holding him. "Are- -mother ducklings- -you done doing whatever you were doing?"
Nodding, he moves to lean against the wall and cuddles his face into the celestial's stomach, "Are you mad yet?"
"I'm not mad," Castor says, pressing a kiss to the side of his temple. "Just confused."
Jazz nods, arms tightening so he could set the God down. Despite how comfortable holding his boyfriend was, he knew how not in-control he began to feel after a while and, well, he's a top for a reason. "I'm sorry for doing that. I... I made you flinch, and feel bad."
Taking the musician's face into his hands, the star runs his thumbs over his cheeks as he pecks the corner of his mouth. "I didn't flinch because I thought-- think, think, think-- you'd hit me, I did it because you literally threw glass." Giving him a pointed look, Jazz is sure to send Castor a sheepish one right back. "And I'm just confused, it wasn't just an--" He squeaked. "--impulse. You did it three times! And you argued with me."
"I didn't argue," He mumbles. "Just disagreed...with the course of action."
"You threw glass." The god deadpans.
"I...well, um, Dela kinda made me do it." Explaining this, Jazz can't help but to look away. "They wanted me to make you mad, said they had to 'test' you. I don't know what they were expecting, though. I mean, I was the one who was throwing things, not you."
"Did- -Sasuke- -someone..." There's a strong hesitation in his song that makes him look at Castor, waiting for what he has to say. "Did he throw things at you?"
He?
"Keres?" He clarifies, and feels so silly to be happy at how he didn't flinch.
Castor nods, "Is that why they wanted you to throw things?"
"Yes to the first, uh, to the first question, him and my old friends. THey didn't like it when my clumsiness broke things, even when those things weren't there. But no one but Nyx knows that, the details I mean, so I don't think so. Dela isn't the best planner. She wanted me to break something of yours originally but I wasn't going to do that, and those vases were decoration and replaceable."
"So, they wanted me to be angry at you?"
"Yes, I think it was more because of boredom and less because they thought you'd get mad in the first place," Jazz nods, poking his hip. "Can I make you mad?"
Castor laughs again, hands flapping at his sides for a second before the tic gives way to his deep, green chuckles. "Good fucking luck with that."
Jazz pouts, "You say that like it's not something I'm capable of."
"It's not, Jasper." He says, and by the celestial's grin he knows he's holding back laughter. "You're a puppy. I can't get mad at you."
Resting his head onto his god's shoulder, he wraps his arms around his waist again and begins to complain, "I'm not a puppy, Star." And the ethereal being dares to roll his eyes. "Rude. I can totally make you angry."
"Do it then." Castor challenges eyes narrowed. "Make me angry. Offend me, go ahead."
"Urm..." What is he supposed to do now? He doesn't actually want to offend him and he knew the celestial could figure that out by his embarrassed blush alone. "Your boyfriend's really ugly?"
"Jitterbug, I said offend me," His smirk was so attractively unfair, and it only got worse when Castor tilted the musician's jaw up to look at him. "Not make jokes."
"It's not a..." Blushing more, Jazz struggles to come up with a reply. "You're supposed to be mad!"
"I gave you good luck and everything, Jitterbug, it's your job to make me mad. Not my job to pretend to be mad."
"Hmph. I don't want to actually hurt your feelings though." He's not good at outright offending people, but annoying them? He can do that. He's been told he's annoying plenty of times. "Oh! What's something annoying that I do?"
The reply comes too fast to be true. "You're not annoying."
Jazz pauses, knowing he won't get anywhere with that line of questioning and remembers that a certain stupid D'Silvetta exists, "Is using someone else to make you mad cheating?"
"Depends on who-- on, on, on-- it is."
"Axel?"
"I'll just be mad at-- Itachi!-- him, not you." Castor grumbles, running his fingers through Jazz's hair as he blinks up at the god. "That idiot knows not to touch you."
Fair.
His pout deepens, "And Fly?"
"If Fly wants to pick a fight with me," He shrugs. "He knows how."
"I've fought you before." Jazz chirps, remembering the brief win he got from the celestial.
"And if you want to spar, you just have to ask." Castor says. "But I'm never going to actually fight you. Besides, isn't your goal to win again? Unless your clumsiness gets in the way."
His head tilts curiously, "Is my clumsiness annoying?"
"It's worrying." this earns himself another shrug. "If you get hurt, I'm just... I don't like it. Don't do anything stupid to try and get on my nerves, Jasper. It won't work and you'll get pointlessly hurt."
"I wasn't going to." Jazz protests, pulling his boyfriend closer to him by his hips. He's not that desperate to see him mad. "Why can't you just tell me what makes you angry?"
"First of all, I don't like being angry. Secondly, I don't want to get mad at you for anything even if you could make me mad for more than a second. Third, testing me like this-- it's pointless." Jazz knew that. "Even if--" Castor growled. "--I do get mad at you, what do you expect to happen? I'll just go on a run, or talk to you about it. If they, or you, want some big reaction or something you'll just be disappointed. It's not like you're like Axel, okay with any fighting, and I take that into account. Or, at least I do now that I know you don't like seeing it either."
Well, he's not wrong. It's just a lot to think over. A lot to be grateful for.
"Seriously,"Castor presses on, spreading his fingers against the back of his neck. "Even if you did make me mad, what kind of reaction would you expect?"
"I... I don't know," Jazz admits. "You're not a hothead, so you wouldn't blow a fuse, and we have good communication, I think, so I pretty much expected what you said. I never really thought I would be making you mad on purpose-- which I don't want to do. I don't think they expected anything either, but Fly egged them on because he was bored and--"
"So what I'm hearing is you broke two vases and a glass for literally no reason."
"Um, that's well... yeah, when you put it that way." Flushing red, Jazz hides his face against the god's shoulder. "That's kind of embarrassing."
"It's really not fair that you use your body weight against me," Castor thankfully changes the topic, song going a little annoyed but all the content and green to really make the musician feel the slightest but bad about it. "Especially not to literally break-- smash, smash, smash-- something you shouldn't be breaking."
Jazz gives him another apology anyway, though, but accidentally ends up calling him tiny again so he has a sneaking suspicion that Castor knows it's not completely genuine.
But the god doesn't mind, and actually jokes back with him, so he's happy.
Happy and grateful that he has a boyfriend as kind as his is.