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Chapter 81: A happy place
I remember when I was the twinkle in my daddy's eyes.
Then he left one day without saying goodbye
– Heidi A. Hopson
"I called your dad."
I watched Mr Dawson's lips move in that slow motion, underwater sound type of way:
I caaaaaaaaallllleeeeeeddd youuuuurrrrr daaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddddddddddd
"You what?" I repeated, staring at him like I didn't understand the English language anymore.
At this point, I really don't.
Mrs Dawson was there, observing my reaction and realizing what her husband had just done to my reality. He'd transported me into an alternative universe. A universe where my father was reachable.
"You have his number?" I asked, trying to keep the question casual.
I was melting. I couldn't even tell if there was a smile on my face and, if there was, it must've looked like the world's fakest clown smile.
Mr Dawson stared at me like I was too slow to understand, "That's what I said. I called him."
He makes it sound so easy.
Like you can just pick up the phone and call my dad. No one can.
In eighth grade I told people my dad was an astronaut on a ten-year mission around the moon. It explained not being able to call back.
And that led to one of my first experiences with bullying. I was bullied for telling such a ridiculous lie that no one believed. The one person I was trying to fool was myself – a lie that I tried to believe it. A lie that I deeply wished was true.
I braved my next question, "How do you have his number? Can you give it to me?"
I don't know what I would do with my dad's number. I wonder if I would even call, but just having it, would mean so much to me.
Mr Dawson rejected my request outright. "I can't share it with you because that's not what he wanted. We were friends back then. Before he left, he gave me his new number."
"Oh," Mrs Dawson sighed, her heart aching from the pain of her husband's cruel words. She reached her hand out to mine, "I'm so sorry, dear."
I swallowed the giant ball that was in my throat. My eyes were stinging but I didn't care. At least he was being honest.
No one's told me anything for years. Even if the truth hurts, it's at least the truth. My dad's reachable.
"What did he say when you, uh, called him?" I asked, trying to keep my voice from cracking, "Is he coming back?"
"I've already told you more than I ever thought I would," came the strict reply.
It felt like a door had closed on my face. Mrs Dawson berated her husband and tried to console me at the same time, but I couldn't stand here anymore. I think, after all this time, and all this sh*t, I've hit breaking point.
I felt sick.
I slowly walked backwards, not sure whether I could say anything anymore. I gave up and turned around, trying not to trip over my feet. I needed to go home. I couldn't face more of anyone or anything. I tried to concentrate on walking, on making sure one foot walked in front of the other.
I'm losing this mental game.
~Luke's POV~
I was listening to the boys, but my eyes were on Minnie.
I watched her talking to my parents, but her back was facing me. I couldn't see what they were saying, but I didn't trust my family with her.
She then started to walk backwards and in my direction. I shoved Chad out the way since he was blocking my view.
Minnie was staring down at her feet and the concrete. Her hair tumbled over her lowered face so I couldn't see her eyes. She was so expressive with her eyes.
I looked back at my parents, wondering what they've ruined now.
I caught my mom's gaze and she quickly turned away with the look of shame on her face. She grabbed my dad and they fled back to the house.
I wanted to go after them, but Minnie passed me by wordlessly and that stopped me in my tracks. My anger dissipated and all I felt was pain. Her pain.
I told Austin and Jake, "Go home."
The boys were staring after her too, having watched the showdown with her mom earlier. Her family problems had just been exposed to everyone on our street. I hadn't realized how bad things had gotten for her.
Even Charlotte and Nicole were standing at the front steps of my house, watching us. Another pair of f*cking eyes.
"Go home," I ordered loudly to all of them.
Can everyone give us a break? It's been one f*cking drama after another.
"Go!" I yelled out.
Sometimes, we just need to be alone. Austin, more than anyone I knew, understood that. He looked down for a moment, before walking away.
The girls jumped at the anger in my voice, and headed back into the party. Jake mumbled something about anger management but my patience for his sh*t was nonexistent.
**
I walked into Minnie's house, hating how empty it felt. I never used to mind it until now.
It used to be cool that she lived in an empty house, with just the two of us...
She could fill an empty room.
Going upstairs, I remembered the last time I ran here in the middle of the night. Last time, I didn't even have shoes on.
Now my sneakers stopped just outside her door. I looked down at them while I raised my fist to her bedroom door and hesitated.
It's my fault.
I should've paid more attention to her, than be so obsessed with my own life. Since day one, she's called me out for that. Have I had any positive influence on her? Her whole world has crashed since she started dating me.
I pressed two knuckles against her wooden door and knocked.
"Luke?" her sad voice called out to me.
When did I get this soft?
~Millie's POV~
The ugly tears were coming out, just as my handsome boyfriend walked in. It felt like the beginning of beauty and the beast.
Why did I have to put myself down like that?
I turned away from him so he couldn't see, but the way my shoulders shook was a dead giveaway. I tried to stay silent, but a sob escaped my lips like the sound of a frog's croak.
I was breaking.
"Are you choking?"
Really, Luke?
"Your humor is not what I need right now," I replied, though my voice was cracking.
"It was a genuine question," he mumbled.
"I'm sorry I don't cry pretty!" I exclaimed, and the emotion just poured right out of me. Sadness and anger blended into one mess.
"Why do they all leave? Why do they all f*cking LEAVE?!" I yelled out, feeling a sudden surge of anger take over me and then this release.
I wanted to break something. I wanted to see something physically break because right now, I was the one breaking. I was always the one breaking. It's not fair.
"I don't want to be here either you know!" I yelled, turning around to Luke, "No one asks me but I've got nowhere to go. I just have to accept this sh*t while my parents behave like f*cking teenagers!"
For once, it was all pouring out of me. I kept my emotions bottled up and finally it was spilling out.
Luke stayed silent. He stood in front of me with sad eyes, listening. He was OK with being my punching bag.
I continued, "Your family keeps pretending like they're too high and mighty for mine, but they can't stop meddling in our lives like we're toys!"
Luke quietly whispered, "You're not a game to me."
"Your father!" I spat, and the combination of that with the tears on my face must've been a frightening sight, "I have no words for that monster! This whole time, he's had my father on the other line!"
My crying was interrupting my own words. I didn't know if Luke could understand the outpour of emotions coming from me.
"My dad's been living his life while we have his ghost in our house!" I yelled out and grabbed the box of records next to the vinyl player, "I've kept his music, hoping he'd come back one day. F*ck it!"
I raised the box in my hands to throw it against the wall, but that's when Luke swept in. He grabbed the box in one hand and me in the other. His head lowered into my shoulder and he held onto me tightly, letting my fists land on his upper torso as I let go of the box.
He lowered the box onto the bed behind me, while still holding me, as he whispered soothingly into my ear, kissing my head. Then he wrapped both arms around me and let me squeeze him tight.
I broke down in his arms, pulling at his shirt harder than I've ever pulled on anything before. My tears soaked his shirt and my body heaved against him. My knees buckled.
He lowered me gently on the bed and that's when all my anger melted into pure sadness. Sad, alone and weak. That's how I felt.
"Why are you here?" I asked, staring up at him with my red and puffy eyes.
"Because I love you," he answered, pure and simple.
I asked, "Will you leave too?"
There was sadness in his own blue eyes and he shook his head. "No. I'm not going anywhere."
I wiped my cheeks, but my eyes were still wet. "It hurts."
I watched him get down on his knees in front of me. I sat on the bed while he knelt before me. He leaned forward to rest his arm over his knee and his movements were fluid. I envied the smoothness he was born with – that came easy to him.
"I'm sorry," I exhaled, finding myself all out of energy, "I'm in a dark head space right now."
I just wanted to feel normal. So many things had gone wrong and I didn't know how to be unemotional right now. I tried to gather my thoughts as the tears slipped down my cheeks.
"I feel like a bad person for feeling th-" I inhaled, overcome with the emotion, "but it's so hard to... you have everything.... I'm losing so much..."
I couldn't string a sentence together. I couldn't forget that his father caused so much pain in my family – and I still didn't know the full story.
Luke's jaw locked and he looked down. He was kneeling in front of me and his messy hair covered his blue eyes from my view. He chose not to say anything, and I didn't want him to close up to me.
"I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you," I apologized, "I'm lashing out but I'm just trying to understand.... is there a point to all of this?" I pressed my hand against my chest, feeling the burn in there, "How do I make the pain going away?"
Will there ever be a time when I look back at this stage of my life from a happy place?
Luke looked up at me and it struck me how he was my light in this hell.
His eyes were a rollercoaster of colors and emotions and I was swept into them. He leaned forward, still on his knee, and pressed his lips against mine. He kissed me with such passion that it swept my breath away. There was so much emotion as our lips pressed harder against each other and our tongues connected. His hand pressed against the side of my face, to hold me closer and tighter. I felt in him the strength, comfort and desire. His touch distracted me from my worries and that made me crave him even more.
His kiss had taken me by surprise, that we broke apart to breathe.
"What are you-" my breath hitched in my throat as his hands touched my thighs.
I forgot everything I was about to say. He didn't need any words to take mine away.
His fingers glided up the inseam of my thighs and I stared at his large hands as they moved. His touch changed into a firmer motion as his hands wrapped around my thighs. He spread my legs apart.
One hand stroked from my knee up to my waist and the other held my leg up, kissing my inseam. Luke got up from his knees and pulled me by my legs. I fell back on the bed, my hands reaching out to grab onto the sheets.
He let go of me and pulled his shirt over his head. He threw aside the shirt that I had cried into and pulled at. I stared up at all the muscles on his chest and his abs, the shadows that they cast as he moved.
His knee rested on the bed between my legs and his hands came down on either side of my head. I looked up at his face as he gazed down on me, lowering his body onto mine. He pulled the zipper of my sweater undone and slipped his hand under my shirt, undoing the bra I had on.
"Do you feel anything now?" he breathed into my ear.
Only pleasure.
A/N: This chapter was hard to write but for a longer explanation, I posted it on my IG (@natalieinacorner). Thank you for your support there already!
Please vote for the chapter!
I know it's a heavy one, but I think it's important in fiction to show the ups and downs of relationships - and how real problems can affect it. We all have our weak days, but perhaps we can draw strength from that ❤
You can find me on Instagram @NatalieInACorner - I'm always open to hearing from readers. Sending positive thoughts!
Next one's on Thursday
<3 Natalie