What if you're given the chance to choose between fight or flight? Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung anong pipiliin sa dalawa. Wala naman nang mali kung ipapaglaban ko kung anong meron sa amin pero bakit pakiramdam ko, hindi pa rin tama? In the past few days, ang dali para sa akin na buksan ang mga mensahe ng tatay ko at ni Gwen pero bakit pagdating kay Zeke, hindi ko magawang buksan?
Mahal ko naman siya. Mahal ko pa rin sya. Ang hirap lang na kahit anong pagmamahal ang meron ako, parang mali pa rin. Nakakabaliw. Pakiramdam ko, kaunti na lang ay mababaliw na talaga ako. Hindi ko alam if I will feel like I did something wrong doing the right thing or will I feel like I did something right doing the wrong thing. Alinman sa dalawa, meron pa ring wrong - meron pa ring mali.
All these hesitations made me consult a psychologist. Ako na nga siguro ang may problema dito.
"The main problem that I noticed here is that hindi mo inacknowledge 'yung galit mo. Alam mong galit ka. Alam mong may dapat kang sisihin pero hindi mo magawa dahil hindi mo matanggap na niloko ka ng partner mo. You defended your partner from yourself kahit na deep inside, alam mong winasak ka nya. Ganoon mo sya gustong mahalin kaya it became harder for you to put the blame on him. And now that it is okay for him to be back in your life again, pakiramdam mo mali pa rin kahit wala naman na. That is your anger, Pat. Galit ka sa kanya kaya hindi mo magawang tanggapin sya gaya noon. Galit ka sa kanila pero pilit mong pinapalamang 'yung idea na mabait ka kaya napatawad mo na sila pero deep inside, hindi talaga. That is the first thing that you should consider, Pat. Acknowledge your anger. Don't be harsh on yourself kasi tao ka lang din. You have all the right to feel mad about what happened and you have all the right not to forgive them in an instant."
Upon hearing her answer, pakiramdam ko'y may nakasagot na sa wakas sa lahat ng mga tanong na kahit ako mismo, hindi ko masagot. Pakiramdam ko, tama siya dahil kahit ang puso ko, sumang-ayon sa sinabi niyang iyon.
Am I really that harsh to myself?
"What should I do now?" I asked. Hindi ko alam kung saan o paano magsisimula.
"It's really up to you. You can let him know that you're angry through a message, talk to him face to face, or don't talk to him but allow yourself to be angry at him. Whatever works best for you, Pat." She replied.
"To be honest, hindi ko pa rin po talaga alam kung anong gagawin ko but thank you for guiding me through this." I uttered.
"Give yourself the time to think this through. I'm glad that I was able to help."