December 27, 1993
Pune, 10:00am
Arnav shot up in bed to the sound of the phone ringing in the house. Pushing away the blanket in a hurry, he stumbled as he darted towards the living room and rammed straight into Akash on his way out. "The phone!" He cried as he ran, pushing a bewildered Akash out of his way. His heart was thundering against his ribs as he ran down the hallway and into the room, a prayer ringing louder by the second in his head.
Let it be her, God, let it be her, please!
However, he stopped abruptly before he reached the phone table, his shoulders slumping down, immediately realising Shaila had already answered the phone and was speaking to his aunt from Delhi. Closing his eyes after letting out a deep sigh, he turned away from the phone once again, forbidding his mind to crush the indomitable hope of speaking to her. Akash, who was standing there watching him helplessly, raised his hand to say something but paused and then snapped it downwards to form a tiny fist at his side, his body tensing fractionally, feeling the full stinging impact of Arnav's defeated misty eyes on his heart.
Arnav headed straight for the washbasin and splashed cold water on his face. It stung him, the tired, anxious eyes snapping open violently as he hissed in pain.
"Coffee." He heard Akash's grim tone a few minutes later and saw him place the mug on the bedside table as he walked out of the bathroom.
Sitting down on the bed, Arnav rubbed his forehead as an unrelenting headache began to pound his skull once again. "For some reason, I was sure it was her call." He said in a flat tone and picked up the bottle of water on the bedside table and gulped down half of it hurriedly.
Akash stiffened as the words fuelled his already simmering anger. He had watched this man sitting in front of him reduced to a defeated lump of mass overnight. It was awful. Like watching, helplessly from the sidelines, someone slowly drown without being able to do a single thing to help him. "You hungry? Shaila kaki has made some yummy parathas."
"What if she doesn't call—"
Akash reacted swiftly by holding his arm in a tight grip and stared at him, realising that he had not even heard what he had been saying. "Get a grip, Arnav. I know the hell you are in right now, but I want you to eat first."
Arnav kept looking at him for a few odd moments and then nodded as he lifted the mug in his hand. "I was thinking if I should try calling her instead of waiting for her call."
"Okay." Akash surrendered. "I will ask Payal if it's possible to get hold of her Aunt's number."
Sipping on his coffee, Arnav shook his head and kept the mug down on the table with a grimace. "This just isn't tasting the way it's supposed to. Don't know why." He said, forcing a smile on his lips which vanished within moments of registering its presence. Staring at the tiles on the floor, he ran his fingers through his hair. "Anagha Kaki should be free now. She is an early riser, gets through her morning chores pretty quick. Maybe I should check —"
"Have you lost it completely?" Akash snapped. "How many times will you ring her damned doorbell? Khushi has reached Bangalore safely, Arnav. I don't think she's going to call up her home or you again. And when you know she doesn't want to be with you or talk to you, how is talking to Anagha Kaki going to help—"
"This isn't about being with Khush anymore. It's about talking to her once before I accept what she has decided for both of us—"
"Her leaving at the crack of dawn without meeting you wasn't good enough to convince you? Goddamnit, why won't you accept that it—"
Shaking his head, he didn't even attempt to protest other than to say quietly, "It isn't over, Akky. It can't be." He looked away. "Because we've had similar fights before but have always come back to each other the next day in regret or a willingness to sort out an issue."
Akash was at a loss for words. But he knew he wouldn't have done anything differently had he been in his shoes. Such life-altering decisions couldn't possibly be made or accepted over a fight or a night. He glanced at Arnav. "Kabir had called... again."
"Akash —"
"He is begging for a chance to come clean, Arnav. Someone has to tell you something, goddamnit! You've been dealt a punishment over an issue you have absolutely no fucking clue about! You need to call him home. He can't just stay with Aarav forever!"
"I haven't asked him to stay with him! It's his call." Arnav snapped and, a moment later, let out a weak sigh. "I will have to talk to him eventually, Akky. But not right now. I am not ready to speak to him before I speak to Khush." His voice shook, and his fists clenched. "I — I wish I had not walked away from her that day and —" His words were held back by the lump in his throat.
The quiver in Arnav's voice sliced through whatever it was that was holding Akash together for the past couple of days. "Stop it, Arnav!" He exploded in a burst of anger, startling Arnav. "For the love of God, stop killing yourself over it, meri jaan! Anyone else in your place would have done exactly what you did that day! Your brother had manipulated the entire situation —something that came easily to him because he knew your girlfriend had kept you in the dark! Khush had hidden things from you and lied to you, Arnav! If you were expecting yourself to handle or dismiss the entire thing in a snap of a finger, then I believe you were asking the world out of yourself, and so was she!" He stopped to calm his ragged breathing. "Look, you both have acted impulsively. Both have fucked up. So stop being so hard on yourself! I agree you acted like a jerk, and how you handled it is unacceptable. But you felt let down by her, it's understandable! And you had waited for her at the concert gate the whole time until I finally dragged you inside for the last few minutes for Kabir's solo performance. She didn't turn up, Arnav! You would have spoken to her within an hour after the episode on the hill! How the hell were you supposed to know she wouldn't come?" He got to his feet abruptly and turned around to face him again. "And you know what? Now when you are expecting her to call you and turn up at your door, you are in fucking denial, and you know it!"
Arnav looked away from him with a sinking feeling in his heart. "She will call. And I say it because Khush can be a lot of things but not heartless." He said firmly.
"I hope so too. I do understand her hiding things from you all along, don't get me wrong. But I don't understand her leaving like that. She shouldn't have left, Arnav. Not like that."
Arnav stilled and glanced at Akash with a frown on his face. "Are you taking sides, Akky?"
"What do you want me to say? You acted like a jerk, but she hasn't done any better either, Arnav!" Akash slashed at him in anger, his expression harsh. "What is she playing at? She isn't cruel! Or is she? I don't know what the fuck to believe anymore!" He was about to turn away but watching Arnav's pale face brought him back to him. "And listen to me, I am not going to just stand here and watch you collapse in front of me! I won't let you drive yourself mad! I will bloody—" He held back his words, rolling his fingers into tight fists and walked away in blinding frustration towards the window to calm himself down once again.
"Think about her situation, Akky." Arnav's words penetrated the haze of anger Akash stood wrapped up in. "You know it would be hard for her to step out and make a call when people surround her! Give her some time." He reasoned.
"Time?" Akash mocked. "I don't think the time is an issue here. The intention is!" He hissed. "You've known each other almost all your life! So how can one ugly argument and a mad impulse finish off everything you've shared for so long? What kind of a cruel fucking punishment is this? Just like you should have considered her reasons for doing what she did, she should have questioned herself if she was fair in asking you to understand something that had blasted your life overnight —something that had taken her months to come to terms with! She lied when you had been begging her to come clean about a serious issue involving someone you both love deeply and equally, Arnav!"
"Akash!"
"No, don't Akash me!" Akash cut in quickly. "She bailed out when it was time to deal with the situation, Arnav! This kind of sensitive issue should have been handled by both of you together as a team, taking each other into confidence, loving and trusting each other and finding a solution to the problem, if there was one. Being there for each other and acting like the couple we all have always known to be hopelessly in love, inseparable!! There is a difference between walking off and running away, Arnav!"
"I misbehaved!" Arnav roared. "With her! The woman I have loved insanely almost my entire life! That to me is—"
"And she's loved you equally, if not more! And so I ask, was that a reason potent enough to call it off?" Akash raised his voice. "If you can't be ugly in front of the person you love, there is no point in pursuing such a relationship anyway!"
A little telling nerve flicked in his jaw. "Akash, how can a girl forgive a person who forgot to respect her?"
"She shouldn't, right? And she hasn't! So why aren't you taking that as her final decision since you feel you deserve it? Why are you still waiting for her here?" Akash cried. "Is it because somewhere you do believe it's her fault as well? That she messed up too and—"
"No!" Arnav sliced right through all of Akash's uncharacteristic ranting. "It's because my heart is ripping apart with the thought of her being away from me and—" Arnav cried out in such heart-rending agony that Akash seemed to catch it in his chest like a blow. "And even if she did mess up, I shouldn't have added to the mess by misbehaving—"
"—because you are some saint? Are you supposed to make things easy for her like you always do? You have done that, haven't you, Arnav?" He walked up to him and willed him to look into his eyes. "And now you want to take anything that's flung at you in the name of love so that you—"
"Shut the fuck up, Akash!" Arnav thundered. "Stop it before you say things which I won't ever forget in my life!" He turned to face him, eyes shimmering in offence and fury. "I'll make this simple for you to understand." He said, thrusting the words down at him from between clenched teeth. "She has a right to be angry with me. She has a fucking right to do anything she wants when it comes to me, is that clear? She can rip me apart and throw me to the dogs if she wants to! My love gives her that right! And you know what? Your rant right now is useless because, just like me, you don't know the whole story either! You don't know what drove her to take such a drastic step overnight! So calm the fuck down because you have no bloody right to judge her when you don't know what happened!" Arnav glared at him. Closing his eyes, he drew in a few deep breaths. "I know you care about me and her too, Akky. So please try and understand me just this one time even if it seems very unreasonable to you right now. And please.. please don't say a word against her.. else—" He paused "—I will have to fight you and I... don't want to lose you too."
Akash silently moved away, his face carved in a grim mask of defeat and sighed as he raised his arms in surrender. "I.. I am sorry. I just ... lost it. It's hard to see you go down like this, Arnav. I have never seen you this way and —"
Arnav walked up to him and hugged him. "Why don't you go home now? I'm okay, I'll manage." He said softly pulling away from him. "You've been with me for the past two days. I am wearing you out, Mathur. And Anuja Kaki has been calling too. Ghar ja, please."
"If you are tired of having me around to stop you from beating yourself to death in guilt .. I will sleep in the living room. But I am not leaving your side."
Arnav chuckled half-heartedly, a forced smile playing at the corner of his lips. "Alright. Stay with me. I can't do this without you anyway."
Akash nodded. "I'll call Payal now to see if we can get her aunt's number. Let's just call Khush and end this misery."
Arnav smiled with a quick nod and walked away from him towards the door. "In the meanwhile, I'll go meet Anagha Kaki again. I'll see you in some time."
***
December 29, 1993
Pune, 4.30pm
Arnav touched Anagha's feet and rose to his full height of six feet and saw her frowning at him, her eyes searching his for some explanation.
"What is this for, beta?"
"I am leaving for Mumbai right now, Kaki. Flying out to London tonight." He whispered and saw Anagha's face pale in instantly.
For a moment she looked shocked. But as she kept looking into his eyes, her face tautened and eyes blinked a couple of times as the understanding of what was going on suddenly dawned on her. She nodded then, and without uttering another word, turned and walked towards the kitchen. Arnav heard a clatter of utensils, and in a few minutes, she was back holding a small container in her hands. "Besan ke laddoo hain. Will you take them? Is there any space left in your—"
"I'll take it." He smiled and took the container from her. Hesitating for a moment, he pulled out a small filigree box from his pocket. "Do you mind if I leave this on her desk, Kaki?"
Anagha shook her head, and he walked towards Khushi's bedroom, his legs feeling hollow, his heart weak and mind numb. Fingers fluttered momentarily as he held the small box in his hand before he pushed open the door.
The illusive scent of her in the room filled his senses instantly, and he shuddered sickeningly. He stood there..hating her and despising himself with all his heart for having gotten themselves into this situation. What had they done? He wondered as he walked towards her desk and placed the box on it. His hungry eyes then spotted a blue bandhani dupatta lying on the chair, and his body had to fight a strong urge to grab it and hold it close to him. Tears hit his eyes and remained there, burning like acid, though he did not let them fall. It was going to happen soon, he knew that. Soon he was going to give way to all of this hard, aching grief and cry himself empty.
"Arnav—"
He felt Anagha's presence behind him. "Kaki..." He whispered as he turned away from the desk to face her.. "I could never win against her. Why did I even try?" He looked into her eyes as he swallowed.
"Arnav—" Anagha's voice cracked a little. "Will you tell me what has happened, beta? Is there anything I can do to—"
He shook his head. "I can't tell you anything unless Khushi speaks to you first, Kaki. Forgive me, please." He murmured apologetically. "And I will call you of course, especially when I am making daal." He smiled and kissed her forehead. "Thank you once again for being there." He smiled, his throat closing over as he walked towards the door. He turned to glance at her once and walked out closing the door after him.
***
June 1994
London.
Sitting on a bar stool with a glass of whiskey slotted between his fingers, Arnav decided that things couldn't get any worse than this in his life. He had to admit, it had taken him a few months to wind himself down to the point where he no longer itched to reach for a telephone. Many fierce battles were fought daily on that front, but all won by his mind in the end thankfully. But right now, the need to speak to Khushi was driving him insane. His mind knew how to torment him, he thought with a chuckle. His call to Anagha Kaki in the morning had delivered him unbearably happy news accompanied by immense pain, and hours later, had landed him at the doorstep of the pub in a state of total despair.
He glanced at his watch and thought it would be wise to call it a day and go home. Home. He snorted. How long had he been living in that small studio flat with Imran, rattling around it like the resident ghost with no life worth speaking of? Was there really no hope? Was this it? A life destined to serve a sentence with blood and tears? A painful thought crossed his mind. Would she be thinking about him, missing him as much as he was missing her right now? At least today? No. He shot the thought down instantly. Die a thousand deaths by a thousand knives rather than open that door, Arnav..he told himself firmly.
A sudden tap on his shoulder had him turning to whomever it was who wanted his attention.
"Kuchh pata chala?"
Arnav nodded. "She topped the college, Immi."
A brilliant smile flashed on Imran's face. "Holy shit! Mubarak ho yaara!" He said, placing a hand on Arnav's shoulder. "When did you get to know?"
"In the morning." Arnav replied grimly.
"Aur tu tab se idhar hain?" Frowning at him, Imran took the glass from his hand and kept it aside on the table.
"Ishq ne, Ghalib, nikamma kar diya.. warna hum bhi aadmi the kaam ke!" Arnav sighed. "Not exactly since morning, mere bhai. And where else can I be? I can't be with her to share the happiness. I can't call to congratulate her. I can't gift her anything. I can't share— you see, I don't have the right to do anything anymore." His voice sounded weary and flat. "I would have caught the next damned flight to Mumbai if things were—"
Imran kept staring ahead blankly. And then, drawing in a deep breath, he glanced at his watch. "I just got back from Manchester, and I am tired and hungry. Let's go home and have biryani and some mind-blowing haleem made by Ammi."
Arnav looked at him and smiled. "Saale, you won't let me talk about her ever.. not even today?"
"My concern is you and your health. And her thoughts are detrimental to both." Imran said flatly. "Chal uthh. You are coming home with me." He almost pulled Arnav to his wobbly reluctant feet and pushed his jacket over his shoulders.
They had just stepped out of the pub, and it began to drizzle.
"Haaye karein ab kya jatan... sulag sulag jaaye mann.
Bheege aaj is mausam mein.. lagi kaisi yeh agan..."
Imran smiled, listening to Arnav hum the lines and circled his arm around his waist. "You amaze me with the collection of songs in your head, Arnav. They come exactly at the right time for the right occasion."
"Gaane hi wafaadaar nikle, Immi. They stayed with me in the good and bad and are still with me." He smiled as they started walking towards their flat a couple of blocks away. Arnav glanced at the overcast sky above and then at Imran. "Khushi used to say her temper was like lightning, followed by the rain. A loud crackling noise, some heavy downpour and then a light, gentle drizzle after the anger ebbs away." He chuckled. "And she had some temper! There was this one time when she got me off her bike in the middle of our argument halfway from home because she just didn't want to talk to me anymore!" He laughed. "The best part was I hailed a rickshaw and reached home a few minutes before her and waited for her at the gate. Pune traffic is a maze, I tell you!" He burst out laughing this time wholeheartedly, and Imran watched him with a smile on his face and pain in his heart.
Lightning ripped into the evening sky above their heads, and the laughter stilled abruptly. Arnav stopped walking and glanced at Imran. "You go ahead, I'll come home later, Immi."
"Arnav—"
"I am going to cheat my mind and try to run away from her thoughts. Let's see how far I get this time." He said in a hoarse voice. "Let me be, Immi. I am — better off not going home right now. A quick stroll, and I'll be back in sometime. Please?" His eyes pleaded with an intensity that was doing nothing to hide what he was experiencing at that moment. Without waiting for his friend's response, he turned in the other direction and started walking towards the fountain park close to their house.
He shivered in the cool late evening air as he buttoned up his light jacket to the top and tucked his chin in. Another crack of lightning lit the street up for a fraction of a second. Khushi. His heart whispered, and he felt a pang of longing travel deep down to his bone. Suddenly it started to rain heavily, making him look up at the sky once again. BV. The moment the word escaped the confines of his mind, his treacherous heart started beating faster than it had in months. Her thoughts were becoming a drug that sang like a craving he just had to feed. Arnav shook his head and dragged in a constricted breath of air. This has to stop. He said to himself once again.. and again.. and again.
He cursed softly and quickly pulled out a small umbrella from his overcoat pocket as if in defiance, not wanting to succumb to the image that always conjured up in his mind every time he saw the tiny droplets pelting down from the sky. Emotions surged, and his fingers shook, trying to flick open the umbrella to shield himself from the rain, from her, from her memories. A desolate sob threatened to choke him, shocking him, his breathing suddenly turning ragged. He kept pressing the small button on the umbrella with an urgency unknown to him, but it seemed like it wasn't in a mood to give. His fingers started trembling now as he pressed the bottom spring, trying to force the runner upwards to push it open manually but in vain. Tears stung his eyes in an unbearable rage. He swore at the umbrella and threw it away with all his might, and sprinted towards a shop to avoid getting drenched. The moment he found shelter, he slowed down, trying to catch his breath while holding on to a wall with one hand. What the hell was happening to him? If this was madness, it had to stop. God, this had to stop, now!
A couple of hours later, he wasn't feeling any better despite the mouthwatering biryani Imran had forcibly fed him. His entire being was throbbing in her memories, infuriating him with every passing second. He really had let his emotions run roughshod all over him. What the hell was he doing with his life? This wasn't —
"What cassette was this, Arnav?"
Arnav stopped washing the dishes and turned the tap off, hearing Imran's voice. With soap on his hands, he walked towards the small corner sofa and saw him sitting on the floor trying frantically to rescue a cassette from the clutches of the audio player without damaging the tape inside.
"What casse—" Arnav stiffened and then went perfectly still as the realisation hit him, his body breaking out in cold sweat instantly. He stood there, held by panic so potent that his mind froze rather than dare let him face what was happening in front of him. A deep sinking rush of loss paralysed him as he watched Imran pull out metres of tape, which kept spilling out of the cassette from inside the player.
"It's fucked." Imran declared in a frustrated tone. "Was it one of your precious ones?"
As precious as the next breath of air. Arnav closed his eyes as he felt the air leave his lungs on a constricted sigh which went shuddering through him. And then colossal pain hit, along with helplessness, and surged with every breath, rising to higher peaks with every passing moment. He had played the tape repeatedly in the morning to listen to her voice after a very long time. Because he had been nervous about her final year results. Because he had wanted to be with her in some way. Because he knew she would have been worried too. Because it had been too long since he had heard her beautiful voice. He had been missing her. Missing her so much that he had to break the promise he made himself never to play that tape again. He had destroyed all its copies in a fit of rage a few months ago, leaving just this one ..for he hadn't been able to muster up the courage to get rid of it.
His legs gave away, and he slumped to the floor. A bitter smile teased his lips. It was a sign. To let go of the past and try to live again. Or at least hold it in abeyance and find some purpose for his living. In that moment of unobscured clarity, he realised that he had started losing focus on almost everything in his life of late. But Khushi ... she hadn't lost focus. On the contrary, she had been focussed all along, on her studies and her career, and had topped the college irrespective of what had happened between them. The doors to an exciting life were now open to her. She was on her way to embrace the new world, which he would never be a part of. All she had to do now was raise her arms in the air and fly away wherever she wished to. Away towards her dreams. Away from him. Forever.
Through eyes which had turned glassy with tears, lips that were quivering uncontrollably, and a heart which was almost too weak to manage a beat, he stared at the heap of a shiny black mass of ribbony tape lying in front of his eyes and felt himself fragment into a million broken pieces beneath his frozen exterior. This was it. It was finally, truly over.
He drew in a deep breath and closed his eyes. Now, all that was left to do was live..somehow.
Alone.. but live.
Note: Apologise for the delay in the update, dear Sakhis. I hope to keep the promised date every weekend, but unfortunately, I might not be able to manage it going forward. I will try my best to be there but please understand and allow a few delays, if any, in future. It is only some difficult situation in AD that will keep me away from being here. Hoping for your understanding and patience.
Thank you so much for the love, for the beautiful comments and for the votes. Dear silent readers, believe me, I would like to hear from you too, even if it is one word. Every little helps and motivates me :)
Wishing you all a great week ahead. :)