Isanna woke up in a cold sweat and a loud gasp, bolting upright on her bed in spasmodic shivers. Another nightmare.
Like an automatic response, she swept her figure across her bed and strode towards the door, her hand grasping the door knob and about to twist it open when she stopped.
.. No. She was not going to his room. She absolutely refused to do so.
With her hand still trembling as it clutched the knob, Isanna closed her eyes and heaved careful, steady breaths in an attempt to calm herself, pushing back the horrifying scenes from her nightmare.
Now that she thought about it, they rarely ever visited her ever since she started looking after Lauren. But it seemed it started to resurface now that she was back to sleeping alone in her room.
Exhaling a shaky sigh, Isanna rested her forehead against the cold surface of the door, eyes still closed as she felt her breathing even down after a while, much to her relief.
After minutes of steady breathing, she lightly tilted her head and gazed out the window of her room. The color of the dawning red sky told her it was around 5 AM, and she remembered what day it was.
Three whole months had already passed, and the mission to reclaim Wall Maria was today.
•
The barracks was bustling with hustles of soldiers jogging around to get everything ready. Lines of horses were already queuing up, saddled by Scouts and the wagons were filled with the necessary supplies.
Isanna stepped outside into the courtyard and casted a brief survey around the area; she was already wearing the standard Scout uniform, her green cloak bearing their crest hanging behind her back. She took note of the tense and nervous expressions majority of the soldiers wore and understood why they were so jittery; a whole year had already passed since the fall of Wall Maria, and this was going to be their first mission outside Wall Rose following the temporary suspension of scouting missions.
And their first mission in a whole year, was to lead an estimated number of two hundred fifty thousand civilians to their impending demise.
Isanna loathed her circumstances to the very core.
She lowered her gaze to the crunched pavement below her, weeds of grass sprouting out from some nicks. She was fine with trained soldiers sacrificing themselves for humanity since they signed up for it in the first place. This, however, was not something she agreed to.
Someone patted her head, and for a split second, Isanna thought it was Erwin.
When she lifted her head back to see the person, her eyes met with Mike's, who was giving her a small, reassuring smile. "Hey. I prepared Fish for you; she's already waiting at the front."
Isanna blinked a few times at the blond. Ah, she had probably gotten so used to Erwin ruffling her hair. She mentally scolded herself for that thought before she pushed it away.
"Thanks," she meekly replied, mustering a grateful smile back at him before the two of them made their way to the front of the line of horses.
As they reached the front, Isanna's gaze flittered towards the front most white stallion, until she saw its blond rider beside it.
Erwin had his hands on his saddle and was about to hoist himself up when he caught her gaze, blue eyes clashing with dark irises as the both of them paused at the eye contact.
From Mike's peripheral, he could make out the surrounding soldiers shooting their two superiors weary looks and subtly backed away from the two, clearly fearful and not wanting to be caught up in the crossfire. Truly, even they could feel the heavy air cloaking the two.
Isanna felt her jaw tensing up as she held Erwin's gaze with a hard stare of her own, refusing to back down, until the blond looked away with an indifferent expression and mounted on his horse, his back towards her.
She felt her eye twitching at his back and felt the urge to just push him off Maximus.
"Oi, hurry up and get on your horse."
Turning to her left, she saw Levi already riding on his dark steed, Zeus, his usual scowl on his features as he looked at her. It was then did Isanna realize that they were already about to depart from headquarters and that majority, if not all, were already on their horses.
"Calm your man tits," Isanna scoffed, turning to her golden-brown mare and heaving herself up in one swift motion, throwing a leg over Fish's back and settling herself on the saddle.
In all honesty, riding a few steps behind from the Commander's right was something Isanna didn't want to do; in fact, she wanted to get away from him as far as possible because she couldn't stand the sight of his heartless ass.
But she was the Sergeant Major, the second-in-command, his right hand, and sticking near to him was her job.
After a short while, the line of Scouts were finally cantering out of their headquarters and into the cobbled streets of the southern main city of Wall Rose as the early sun rays shined down on their figures; the streets were heavily crowded with masses of civilians, and Isanna felt a disgusted churn turning inside her stomach as she imagined all of these people marching to their deaths, led by the Scouts, led by her.
As she scanned the civilians, she chewed her lower lip and tightened her hold on her reigns; they all wore solemn, morose expressions as they regarded the line of Scouts riding past them. They were no different from those of a death row who were awaiting their inescapable demise, and they knew. They knew this whole 'recapturing Wall Maria' plan was all a farce and that they were just sacrificial pawns for the greater good of humanity.
Isanna's eyes moved to the objects in their hands and gulped down a lump in her throat.
They weren't even equipped properly. Everybody was either holding a pick axe, a pitchfork, a shovel—heck, she even saw a grown man clutching a metal pipe.
Isanna was about to lead all of these helpless civilians outside the walls. To their deaths.
As their line slowed down into a trot, her attention went to a blond boy who was about maybe 10 years old, tugging on the sleeves of an old man with trembling eyes.
"Do you have to go, grandpa?" the boy's squeaky voice reached her ears.
The old man with a wrinkly face looked down at his grandson with what he thought was a reassuring smile and wistful eyes, taking off his old farmer's hat and placing it on the little boy's head, it being too large for his size since it slumped down over his face.
"I'll be back, Armin. Be a good boy and look after Mikasa and Eren while I'm gone."
Isanna couldn't help but pull her horse to a stop, her attention now fully glued on the pair as she observed the way the blond boy's crystal blue eyes watered at his grandfather, who was walking away with his back to him.
We're sacrificing even the elderly, she thought grimly with gritted teeth in frustration, clicking her tongue as she lowered her gaze.
She wondered how much more countless parents or guardians were leaving behind their children in this fucked up mission, knowing full well their chances of survival were slim. Scratch that—it was a flat zero.
Her thoughts went towards Lauren. She wondered how her little girl was faring without her, whether she was happy, if she was eating well, if she made friends, and if she missed Isanna like how she missed her.
She shut her eyes tightly for a few seconds, her brows knitted together in a wrinkling frown, before she opened them again and looked over towards Erwin, who was riding at the front.
Is this sacrifice really worth it, Erwin?
•
The expedition was a full on massacre.
Isanna stood in the middle of a pool of mangled bodies, blood soaking up the ground as limbs and guts splayed around, the putrid smell of corpses permeating the air; she was relieving the horrifying scenes of the fall of Wall Maria once more, but the difference this time around was that they, the Scout Regiment—the ones who were supposed to protect—were the ones who led this death sentence.
Isanna tried to protect as much as she could, thinking that she could atone for her sins from leading this death march by saving the weak civilians as many as possible. But she couldn't prevent the carnage that befell on the people she swore to protect.
Breathless, she sank to her knees on the bloody ground, titan steam from the splotches of blood on her figure flowing and curling upwards. She dropped her blades in a clatter and reached for a familiar-looking old man on the ground, whose eyes and mouth were open wide in horror, like he had been in the middle of screaming when the titan tore him into shreds. Isanna closed his eyes and muttered for him to rest in peace.
This was the grandfather of that blond boy she saw earlier.
Gritting her teeth, Isanna balled her fist and roughly thumped it on her chest in a trembling, weak salute.
I'm sorry for failing you.
"We're retreating back to Wall Rose."
Isanna paused when her mind registered the owner of the voice. She slowly looked over her shoulder and saw her Commander on his white stallion, staring down at her coldly.
Shakily, she got up on her feet, turning around so that her body faced him; Isanna didn't understand how he could look so impassive, so heartless, when they were surrounded by thousands and thousands of civilians who had died under this fake mission. She lifted her chin and balled her bloody fists by her side, glaring harshly at the blond, and only one thought dominated in her mind.
Monster.
As Erwin registered the fierce look in her eyes, he knew what she was thinking.
And he did not disagree with her.
Moving his eyes, the blond shifted his attention ahead of him and directed his horse forward, trotting past Isanna's figure without another word.
As the survivors of the Survey Corps and the refugees came passing through the gate in Trost district, the southern outer gate in Wall Rose, there was a grim air hovering above the streets that seemed to bear down on everyone's slackened shoulders.
Two hundred fifty thousand refugees, and only a little over a hundred returned to tell the tale.
Throughout the course of her years as a Scout, Isanna had never been ashamed fighting in her line of duty. In fact, she had been so proud of the crest behind her back and was never scared of keeping her eyes ahead of her every time they returned from expeditions; past the scornful faces and the verbal insults—she still bore the proud emblem of the Survey Corps.
But this time, she couldn't bear to look at anyone and see their reactions as they rode down the streets.
"Grandpa!"
Isanna flinched and shut her eyes briefly when she recognized the squeaky voice, wanting to run away from it; however, she steeled herself and stopped her mare. Glancing to her right, she saw a blond boy standing in the line of onlookers, his blue eyes desperately scanning the remaining refugees for his grandfather.
His name was Armin, if she remembered correctly.
As she swallowed back a huge gulp, Isanna unmounted her horse and walked towards the boy, him noticing her presence since he turned to look at her with slight confusion.
She kneeled in front of him and held out a neatly folded brown coat that had splotches of dried blood on it; she could only watch with pitiful eyes as the boy stared at the clothing, his eyes watering while his lips quivered as realization dawned on him: his grandpa was never coming back home.
The boy accepted the coat into his hands, hugging it close to his chest as he held back whimpers of tears while his small body trembled.
Isanna wanted to tell him his grandfather was brave, that he sacrificed himself for the remaining population inside the walls and for his grandson—she wanted to reassure him of that; but in the end, she couldn't.
"I'm.. so sorry."
She breathed out, her shoulders slouching in disappointment at herself, at the Survey Corps, and at basically every military branch and the central government itself; above all, she blamed their cruel world and the titans that caused this in the first place.
She couldn't bring herself to say "Your grandfather fought well", because then that would be redirecting the blame from her shoulders. As a part of the group that led this suicide mission, she knew she needed to be held accountable for this mass suicide.
An apology was the least she could do for this young frail boy, who was now left behind by his grandfather.
How many more children are going to suffer like this?
While the rest was going to silently rejoice at the lesser mouths to feed, the others were going to mourn for the losses of their loved ones.
It was an inevitable sacrifice.
After what seemed like eternity, she got up and turned around, walking back to her mare. She held her saddle, staying in her position for a while as she bit her lip, before hoisting herself up.
She knew she was going to carry the weight of this sin on her shoulders forever.
Upon their arrival at their main headquarters, Isanna ordered a soldier to stable her horses for her, who promptly obeyed without a word as he tugged her mare towards the horse stables.
As she began heading towards the main building of their barracks, she vaguely heard Erwin calling for her attention from behind her.
"Isanna."
She didn't look back, fully aware of the looks they were receiving from the other soldiers in the courtyard as she deliberately ignored his calls.
"Sergeant Major Herrmann, I order you to stop."
Isanna stopped, silent fists by her side as she clenched her jaw and glued her dark stare ahead of her. She didn't look back as she heard Erwin proceed to tell her that they still needed to report to the higher-ups to give their debriefing.
As Erwin waited for Isanna's response, a thick air began to spread following the silence.
"I will have to respectfully decline, sir."
Erwin frowned at her back, since she had still not turned to look at him. "This is not a request."
Isanna's eye twitched as she tilted her head, not fully looking at him but enough to turn her ear at his direction.
"Unless you want to see those council pigs get their ugly faces decked in, I suggest you make your report alone, Commander."
She made sure to spat his title with disgust for good emphasis, and without waiting for a reply, Isanna marched away towards the main building while the soldiers parted their way for her.
Erwin stared at her retreating figure with a deep frown, blue hues trailing on her back until Isanna entered the building and disappeared from his view.
The blond understood of the weight he was to carry as the Commander of the Survey Corps. He was fully aware of his duties, his responsibilities, and his burden, and because of that, he had to steel himself into making these decisions—decisions that he knew Isanna would go against.
He had anticipated for her to hit him in the face, and to be honest, he would have preferred that.
Perhaps it would ease the guilt.
However, as he was watching Isanna getting farther and farther away, he knew there was no way out of this anymore.
Erwin knew there was no happy future awaiting for him down this path that he chose to take. He had already ultimately decided to dedicate his life to this godforsaken duty, and he was prepared to die at any given moment. That was why these foreign emotions that he had initially decided to throw away for the sake of his dream scared him to no end, because he knew they would hold him back from accepting death knowing he would leave something precious behind.
He wanted to deny it so much, but a voice of reason was telling him the obvious truth: he was pushing her away for the same reasons he did Marie.
He internally asked himself. Since when did he start feeling like this towards her? Was it back at the infiltration in the Lovof mansion, just because he briefly thought of her as his first love? If so, that was a shallow reason.
Or was it some time way before that? Did he just not realize it? This sense of home and comfort she gave him.. it was distinct from what he had felt towards Marie, because when he pushed her away back then, it didn't pain him as much as it did now.
Either way, he did not want to entertain the thought any longer, because it would only feed his distracting imaginations.
Turning on his heel, the blond stalked out of the campus of their barracks, heading towards a carriage that was already waiting for him.
"Papa!"
He clenched his fists and pushed the image of a certain toddler away from his thoughts.
He had a responsibility to fulfill, and more important than that, a selfish dream to recognize. Whether it be these thoughts of having a happy family, or embracing these emotions which conflicted him so much—he needed no more distractions. He needed no more reasons to anchor himself to this world.
"Since when did you become such a heartless asshole?!"
But he was hurting her, that much he was aware.
And Erwin never hated himself more than ever before.
End of Season 2
: Preview of the Final Season :
Humanity's greatest soldiers—the Survey Corps, push on for the greater good of mankind despite the imminent doom looming at the end of their treacherous path.
"You Scouts are crazy!"
"We know! It's in the job description!"
"How long are you guys going to keep on giving each other the cold shoulder? It's been four years!"
"He's not the same Erwin anymore. I already accepted that."
As the stakes rise higher than ever, more shocking revelations within the walls will cause confusion of the truth..
"The kid can turn into a titan? You sure you're not drunk?"
"I swear to the fucking walls, why is everybody in the 104th squad suddenly a titan shifter? What kind of titan voodoo shit did Shadis feed you?"
"The royal family is what? Could this whole shit get any more confusing?"
.. severe changes..
"We've taken one step closer to the truth."
"Humanity has now gone down a path more perilous than before.."
.. and more deaths.
".. He's gone, Mhile."
"I feel like.. everyone is slowly leaving me behind one by one. And it scares me to think about who the next one could be, Levi."
Now, as the Scouts face on against battles for the better future they desperately wish for—a life of freedom—they will also have to suffer severe consequences and sacrifices.
"This moment! This battle! The survival of humanity is at stake! Once more, for humanity.. offer up your hearts!"
"My soldiers, rage! My soldiers, scream! My soldiers, fight!"
And amidst it all, a love that binds two together until the end.
"That kiss.. did you mean it?"
".. Don't.. leave me.."
"I promise."
This is the legacy of the Wings of Freedom.