solána:
freshman year at this point was pretty much uneventful. i had a (dysfunctional) friend group that consisted of jacques webster, my childhood best friend, megan pete, whom i had met in middle school, rakim mayers, one of jacques's friends, isaiah mcclain, my cousin's boyfriend, and tahliah barnett, one of the few foreign exchange students we had.
jacques had a girlfriend, sabrina, whom he'd been dating for the last few months. he'd been in and out of relationships since the beginning of the year. we'd (jacques, definitely not sabrina) been best friends since second or third grade when i accidentally dislocated his arm by pulling him off of the monkey bars (i have yet to live that one down). but ever since he had gotten with sabrina he had pretty much abandoned the rest of us, me most of all.
now, being 100% honest, i was completely aware of the fact that sabrina wasn't too fond of me, based off of the random dirty looks and childish shit of that nature. but the way she made jacques act towards me was out of pocket. if she saw me with him she would call or text him or walk up and cut into me talking about whatever i was talking about (depending on how driven her animosity was towards me that day). but there was one thing she did that i *nearly* fucked her up for, had it not been for megan talking me out of it.
i don't know what it was that i was doing when it happened, but me and jacques were sitting on my bedroom floor, trading notes if i remember correctly, when he randomly looked up and said "how do you feel about sabrina?"
"what?" i said, looking up from whatever i was doing.
"how do you feel about her?" he asked.
"she's fine, i guess. as long as she makes you happy," i lied.
"you been coming at her kinda weird," he said.
he was out of his mind, i believe. out of the numerous daily attempts to provoke me, i'd responded to her twice. "jacques... what?" i said, going back to whatever i was doing.
"the way you respond to her. like y'all got tension or something," he said.
"gee whiz, jacques, it's not like she tries to rattle my fucking cage everyday or anything like that," i said sarcastically, looking back up at him.
"well if she's trying to bother you, you must be giving her a reason to," he said.
i reached over and felt his forehead, flipping my hand. "say ah," i said.
"what are you doing?" he asked.
"trying to see if you're sick or something because you're obviously losing it if you think i'm giving your girlfriend, who i've never traded words with a day in my life until she met you, the time of day," i said, standing up.
"she's been telling me you been saying shit to her," he said.
i studied his face. i saw regret. i wasn't sure what he was regretting, but i could certainly see it. "has she given you definitive evidence of me saying shit to her?" i asked.
"what does she need evidence for?" he asked.
"the only thing i've ever said to her was that i didn't have feelings for you so she could stop fucking bothering me, which i literally told you about after," i said.
"you definitely said more than that," he said.
"i can't believe you're really not seeing through her bullshit," i said, grabbing my binder and closing it.
"what bullshit, what does she have to lie for?" he said.
"you're delusional. what did she do to you? are you on drugs? what is it? tell me, because you've clearly lost your mind," i said.
"you can't be my best friend and not be supportive of my relationship," he said.
"i can't be supportive when your relationship is with a delusional bitch who doesn't even let you around your own friend group or your childhood best friend. no," i said.
"so she's a bitch now?"
"nothing she hasn't said to me already," i said, cheesing sarcastically.
"what?" he said incredulously.
"jacques, she literally called me a washed up slut yesterday. i could care less about what she calls me or her little white high school drama movie insults, but you're not going to sit here and pretend like this shit isn't happening in front of your face," i said.
"solana, you're never supportive of my relationships, and you always have problems with my girlfriends," he said.
"jacques, shannon was cheating on you the whole relationship, lashawn nearly fought me because i gave you some study notes, and sabrina has been breaking up every single conversation we have to flirt with you in front of me as if it's making me jealous or something. none of this shit is my fault," i said.
he stared at me as if i'd shot him. but i wasn't done. "until you get that figured out with her, or you go to the doctor for delusions, or whatever the fuck you need to do to see through her bullshit, you're a best friend short, because i'm not doing this. get out," i spat. i got up and opened the door for him, motioning for him to leave.
he sat there for a few seconds, as though he was trying to process what was going on. he looked genuinely upset. i could still see the regret in his face. but i was pissed and i wanted him out.
he stood up and walked out of the room, and i shut the door after him, sitting on the bed and covering my face. i heard the front door shut downstairs and out of the window, i could see jacques start to walk down the street back to his house. i grabbed my phone and called megan, knowing she probably wouldn't answer. but she did.
"hey, sol," she was braiding her hair.
"hey," i said.
"you sound upset. what's going on?" she asked.
"your friend jacques. he's losing his shit unless this shit is a joke," i said.
"what shit?" she asked.
i launched into the lengthy explanation of jacques's random accusations and his refusal to believe anything i was saying. megan listened all the way through as she grabbed hair and braided.
"so he thinks you're the one bothering sabrina?" megan asked.
"he thinks i'm the reason she keeps bothering me. he even said that i wasn't supportive of his relationships," i said.
"well what has sabrina been doing? you never told me," she asked.
"she either doesn't like jacques having female friends, or she just doesn't like how close we are, so every time she sees us together or jacques tells her he's with me, she always calls him, texts him, or she jumps into whatever conversation we have. she blows up his phone when he comes over, knowing that it'll just make him want to leave. she won't stop staring at me if she's anywhere in my vicinity. if i catch her staring, she shoots me a stinky ass look like i was the one that was staring at her," i ranted.
"is that all?" megan asked.
"i have to take my last period with her and every. single. fucking. day, she whispers some sneaky shit she knows i can hear, or she purposely bumps into me on her way out of the class. megan, get this, she cut my hair, it wasn't my real hair, but the fact of the matter is that she still had the nerve to reach over and cut my hair," i said.
"she cut your hair?" megan asked.
"yes, and i was planning to punch her in her shit when i found out, but of course jacques tried to intervene," i said.
"was it the day you showed up to my house all hot, sweaty and mad?" she asked.
"yes," i said.
"sol, whatever you do, don't touch her. don't give her the satisfaction. i feel like she's the reason why he did all of that. she wants to get a rise out of you. and as far as jacques goes, just let him figure that out on his own. if he really knows it was wrong, he'll come back around," megan said.
"i'll try," i said, sighing. i was pissed. i needed a nap.
"you will, sol. he's not worth it." megan said.
"okay, i will," i said. "i need sleep,"
"just call me after you wake up," megan said.
"okay. thank you meg, i love you,"
"i love you too sol," megan said and hung up.
⁂
it had been over 8 months since the mess with jacques had started. it was now the middle of the summer. him and sabrina had broken up at the end of the school year but i had no idea why.
i had moved on from the situation and completely distanced myself from him. i'd gotten a boyfriend of my own, but we were a hundred times closer at the beginning of our relationship in ninth grade, going out, seeing each other everyday, but we'd grown apart over the summer. we saw each other less and less. we clearly wanted to move on to other people but never got around to addressing it. i was 90% sure he was probably cheating on me but i didn't talk to him enough to care.
i was getting ready to go to megan's house to spend the night after she had finally convinced her parents that she would fix her grades. as i was looking around my room for the shirt i had pulled out, my dad called me downstairs. i stood up, and went downstairs. "yes, dad," i said, entering the living room. jacques was standing in the doorway and my dad was holding the door open in front of him.
dad motioned for jacques to come in. jacques stepped in, closing the door behind him and my dad went upstairs. i waited until i heard his bedroom door close. "what are you doing here?" i asked.
"can we talk this out? please?" he asked.
"talk what out?" i asked.
"what happened between us." he said.
"why? you made it clear who's side you were on in the situation. you ostracized me for your girlfriend who i almost put in a headlock for putting her hands on me," i said.
"i know, i know, and i'm not on anybody's side, that's why i wanted to explain it to you," he said.
"what do you mean you weren't on anybody's side?" i spat.
"if you'd let me explain it it'd make sense," he said.
"okay." i said, crossing my arms. "okay, sit. tell me why you condoned her harassing me for months. and fast, please, megan's waiting for me,"
i was annoyed already. i felt like it was unreasonable for him to be over here, trying to explain himself when it was clear what was going on. he sat down on the couch. "i'm sorry, solana. for everything that happened. i was stuck in my own stupid ass ways, and it was wrong of me to make accusations against you like that," he said.
i studied his face. he looked stressed. but i wasn't sure if i wanted to accept his apology yet.
"sabrina was the reason we fell out," he said.
"i figured," i said.
"she wanted you off of my side. so she told me to start something, and so i did," he said.
"she told you to start... jacques, why listen to anything she tells you to do anyway?" i asked.
he cleared his throat. he was about to lie. i decided to ease up on him, feeling like i was coming off as dense and making it hard for him to talk to me.
"i don't know. i wasn't thinking," he said.
i stared at him. he was lying still. but he felt bad and i felt bad. and that was the bad thing about our friendship. he didn't ever do it on purpose, but it was too easy for him to make me feel bad. if he felt bad, i felt bad. if he was angry, i was angry. it was hard to be hard on him. i spent too much time considering his emotions.
"did i say something?" he asked.
"you didn't," i said. it still wasn't adding up to me. it was still unreasonable.
"should i just go?" he asked.
"no," i blurted immediately. i sighed. "no. i accept your apology." i said.
"are you sure?" he asked.
"should i change my mind?" i asked. a smile creeped onto his face, slowly but surely.
"don't," he said.