TW: Suicidal thoughts
***POV ANGITIA***
There is an awakening magic in every early morning, where the artistic golden sun starts to paint the dark black sky with vibrant colors. Where a breeze of cool and crispy air whistles softly in my ear, bringing a calmness to mind, a soothing melody, a natural lullaby.
I step closer to the Black Lake, until I am inches from the flux of the water rise and withdraw, closing my eyes and inhaling in a deep, deep breath. With my eyes at rest, I feel at peace, soaking in all the goodness that this world has to offer.
Now all that's left to do is to wait...wait for the happiness to sink in.
And in no more than a few seconds, it does. A single tear tumbles down my cheek. It was a soft, inaudible crying; the type that doesn't draw attention. My body looked quite tranquil compared with how tangled my mind was.
Here with water welling up in my eyes and the taste of salt on my lips, is what I look forward to everyday.
Yes, it might sound odd, but in the midst of this agony, it is my sorrow that allows my soul to function. I know that the tears can't wash away my past, but sometimes I tell myself that one day, the excruciating pain will fade; the day I accept my fate, the day it will all go down. So maybe it's an idiosyncrasy to appreciate my emotions and feel fortunate to cry. But, this is what keeps me going.
It's my little oasis; it's the only place where I could stop faking my smile, for every other feeling is crammed into my chest, drying my throat, and suddenly, I can't breathe.
Bare feet firmly planted on the grass, I throw my arms up and brush my fingertips across the bright blue sky. The rays of the sun warms my skin-- like kisses from the heavens and the tears that once stained my face were now dried, as if it was non-existent.
Once again, my head drops to the lake, eyes still closed.
One step forward.
Sometimes, I wonder what it's like to be submerged underneath it; floating about freely, with no worries, an empty mind. Perhaps, I'd comfort myself, describing how the beautiful dark waves would ripple in response to my arms swooshing up and down. The serenity would bring me to the present like nothing else. In those few moments, I would forget the past, avoid questioning the future. I wouldn't think about who I am, who I will be, or who I want to be. There is just the moment in its flowing caress, nothing more, nothing less.
Two steps forward.
Initially the water would burn through my lungs, filling them with water as I attempt to breathe. Torso arched forward, limbs flowing backward, and eyes gazing straight up; a weight pulling me down to the bottom to be one with the lake. It would start with a fight, a few final thoughts, and then nothing.
Three steps forward.
More seconds would pass by and I would run out of oxygen; my body would stop moving, my mind would go blank. I would let go of all effort to escape. Unconsciousness would follow. The pain is gone.
Four steps forward.
It's as free as I have ever felt in my sixteen years; nothing else comes remotely close.
Another step and my toes have subsided into the icy, bitter water, sending chills through every cell in my body. I gradually open my eyes, the voice inside my head telling me to stop, to not go any further.
A day so long ago, but feels as if it was yesterday; the last thing I remembered was waking up in St Mungo's Hospital with a stabbing pain in my chest and the inability to breathe. Rumors went around the school about how a squid pulled me in and for some f*cking reason, I never told the truth; maybe because I didn't want people to think differently of me or to show pity.
I raise my head up to see a certain blonde boy across the lake, the same boy that I've grown to despise.
I've seen him here before. I'm not sure when, though it feels like a distant dream, almost like a memory.
He doesn't say anything, doesn't even speak, just blankly stares. And as I do the same, I begin to wonder how the fights, the arguments we've had doesn't matter when it comes to the Black Lake.
Deep down, I know that we are both battling demons of our own with no one to tell.