"It's me, Jungwon...
wow, now I get what you meant when you said this was awkward. Talking with my phone while having to imagine your face in front of me is sure a pain in the ass.
How long has it been?
2 months? 4? I'm not sure, but..it's definitely been a long time since I've last seen you at school. Or seen you at all. And only now I got to answer the message you left me.
I miss you a lot, Eunji. I really do. There's not a time when I don't miss you. Replaying the audio you left me will never be enough. And.. I'm sorry that I couldn't bring myself to answer you earlier, it just was too difficult. I'm really sorry.
You know, there are a lot of things I regret so much and it especially hits me during the night when I can't sleep.
Even if you aren't awake or won't ever listen to this, but Eunji I swear you are seriously the biggest fool out there. How could you accept dying, when you literally had an option. Why the fuck would you do that? Didn't our memories, everything we had went through together mean anything to you? There are so many people, not just me that care for you, but you..still tried to leave.
Eunji, I just don't get it. I try to be understanding so bad, but there are so many questions. Even after the message you left me, I just..don't understand.
We could have went through this together. You could have told anyone just- why would you keep that to yourself?
Do you know how shocked I was when I found out you swallowed fucking sleeping pills? Just...how can you do that to me? To yourself?
I'm sorry. I really don't want to blame you. You already went through so much.
I'm just hurt. Eunji, I'm so hurt. I don't know what to do anymore.
And you lied to me.You lied, saying you won't feel any pain during the whole thing, but I know it hurt, I know you suffered. I know you tried to reassure me by telling you everything was okay, when it was not.
The thing that breaks me every time is the fact that all of this could have been prevented. This whole disaster could have been prevented so easily. I wouldn't be heartbroken and you..would be awake and smile like you used to.
And most importantly you would be by my side, if this just never happened.
We would be so happy. Going on actual dates and I could actually ask you out this time. This time not as friends,
But lovers.
Maybe if you told me from the start, maybe if I had come clean with my feelings earlier or maybe if you didn't lie to me...everything would have looked differently. Better. So much better.
Eunji, just-..why did this have to happen to us?
Of course you weren't the only fool out there, I was just as dense.
At this point, it's just tragic.
There are seriously so many things I regret, Eunji. So many.
I-I regret them so much and they keep following me everywhere I go and keep me awake at night. I regret all the things I had told you, all the things I did..I wish I could just turn back time and change everything just for you to be safe and by my side again. I regret saying that I just used you as a distraction, I regret pulling you into this whole mess with Sangmi and I regret...choosing Sangmi over you when you needed me.
Isn't it ironic..? How you rushed over to me immediately when I was the one calling you the night my grandma got injured, while I straight up stood you up and rushed to Sangmi instead. I went for Sangmi when you were fucking dying. I think about this everyday and I can't help but feel like punching myself afterwards.
I've spent days thinking and remembering our memories together. With all this time I have now in my hands, I realized something.
I had liked you all this time too. I had feelings for you too, a lot earlier than I thought.
But at the end of the day I just never wanted to admit them.
This will sound so damn stupid, but Eunji, I need you to believe me...I just wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to fall in love again.
I was scared that you were going to reject me just like her..and I was scared that our whole friendship would be ruined because of my feelings.
So I kept telling myself that I just liked you as a friend and nothing more than that. At this point I beat myself to believe it and it worked. It did work. Eventually, I believed myself that you were just a mere friend to me.
..while my actions spoke the exact opposite.
I started to seek for your attention, your affection and I wanted to make sure you were alright all the time. I was concerned for you everytime we were apart and I couldn't help but feel the urge to be close to you whenever we were apart.
Eunji, I never played with your feelings.
Back then at the hospital, when I...kissed you.
I hate myself for treating you like that afterwards. I pushed you away, saying it was a mistake, when I know damn well that it wasn't one.
But I never once regretted kissing you. Not once. When you arrived at the hospital right after I called you, something inside me changed. I realised that the first person that came to my mind after hearing those...horrifying news about my grandmother, was you. I needed you. I desperately needed to see you.
Your words..your actions, just your whole presence in general always had such an effect on me. I felt myself calming down and I soon forgot all the negative thoughts and fears I had about my grandma being injured.
You managed to distract me, Eunji. That's what I never understood whenever I was with you.
You always managed to put my focus on you, no matter what was going on and it was driving me crazy. I just didn't want to believe it.
The whole time I was telling myself that you were my best friend, that having these thoughts wasn't normal and that I should cut it out, before I do something I might regret. But then I heard you mumble something in your sleep.
You were calling my name, Eunji. I couldn't quite get what you were saying afterwards, but that didn't change the fact, that my heart was beating so strongly im my chest. It confused me. When you suddenly woke up the next moment, I couldn't stop my feelings any longer.
And before I knew it, I had kissed you and I thought that maybe..maybe I saw you as something more than a best friend.
But I ruined it. It just happened too fast and- I ended up ruining all of it, because I was the coward that ran away from his feelings. I pushed you away, because I started to panic, not knowing how to deal with my feelings.
I was still confused, but eventually decided to deny them. I decided to continue making myself believe that you were only my best friend.
It was a terrible decision.
I was so afraid that you were going to leave me.
When I told you how it was just a mistake, I expected you to freak out and scream at me, but you never did.
You just smiled at me, saying how it wasn't big of a deal and how you didn't misunderstand anything. I wanted to be glad. I wanted to be glad, that you took it so well, but something in me felt uneasy about it. Looking back, I realised something,..
Eunji, you lied to me, didn't you? You pretended to be alright and lied to my face to reassure me. You always fucking do that. Every damn time. And I hate it so much.
These days I've been a lot more gloomy actually. It's like you took a part of me with you. I can't seem to focus and keep spacing out. I've become a whole different person after you fell unconscious. I try so hard to be the old me again, but I just can't..The others keep asking me hang out with them, but I can't bring myself to. I keep tell them that it's normal for me to act this way, but they just don't listen.
They are still as concerned as before and the pitiful looks on their faces are driving me insane. I can't stand it.
And soon I started to lose the motivation to care. I don't know why..or how but- It just happened. I just stopped caring for anyone and anything around me and even though I try to act unbothered, it's killing me. The way everyone asks me "Why did you change?" when I never had a choice. Of course I changed for goodness' sake! Eunji, seriously what am I going to do?
I mean, I almost lost you. How can I be the same person I was before? How can I be happy? I don't deserve to live freely and happily while you are trapped on that damn hospital bed.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life without you, Eunji. I don't want to. Sitting next to your hospital bed and talking to myself will never make up for all our conversations we used to have at the school garden.
It got closed by the way. The school garden.
I guess...from now on Jungji will never be a thing again.
With the school garden closing, I lost the only place for me to remember and retrieve our memories together.
I even let all the flowers of my grandma's flower bed die down. The whole garden is a mess and I feel my heart aching everytime I just get close to it.
Flowers will now always stay a bad memory of mine. Especially..roses.
Before I forget it, I wanted to tell you that your mother also visited you. I immediately recognised her when she entered your hospital room with me still inside. I was in the middle of me "Eunji-I-miss-you-please-wake-up"- session when she knocked on the door, with teary eyes.
And that day..for the first time, I saw how miserable I must have looked like, mourning for you. It was the first time I saw someone just as devastated as me.
And it was breaking me.
Seeing someone crying and breaking down right in front of me, I-I didn't know what to do. I tried to comfort her and I kept bowing to her, feeling sorry for what happened to you, but she just thanked me for paying the hospital bills, while I told her that it was alright. It was going back and forth and the two of us just cried and apologised. The worst thing is, she never knew what actually happened. She never knew about hanahaki and how I was responsible for what happened to you. And I felt so guilty.
Your mother is a lot like you, Eunji.
You didn't only get her looks but her personality as well.
Unfortunately she had to leave last week, but I promise you that she will visit you again.
Until then you should wake up, alright? I know you miss her just as much as I miss you.
I-I don't want to admit it, but I'm starting to forget what your smile looks like. I try to remember so hard, but I can feel it slowly slipping away from my memories.
With each day that passes with you still not by my side, I feel something inside me die.
Eunji, I don't want to. I really don't want to, but..I'm losing hope. I'm afraid that you actually will never wake up again. That I'm never going to see you again. I am so scared.
So Eunji, if you ever hear this please wake up o-or at least move your finger or anything. Just give me a sign that the Eunji I know, the Eunji I love is still in there.
Please...just wake up so I won't have to repeatedly listen to your audio and look at the pictures I habeleft of us.
Before I go..Eunji, with this I promise you, wherever you are right now.. I will- No, we will find each other again.
I love you. I love you so much and I need you to know that I will always be here waiting for you. No matter what happens. Just- please don't keep me waiting for too long, alright?
You know i'm impatient, love."
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"Get out of my way." Jungwon pushed past anyone that was in his way, preventing him to dash into the hospital. He gritted his teeth, knowing very well that he would have arrived a lot earlier if those people weren't standing in his way.
How long has it been? 9 months? 1 year? Jungwon lost track of time of how long he had waited for this day to come.
And there he was. Standing in front of the girl's hospital room. He didn't immediately enter, his heart was beating too fast. After all, he couldn't believe it.
She's in here, Jungwon thought, the person I waited for all this time.
"Eunji." Jungwon was still out of breath, as he opened the door hesitantly and looked at the pale girl, who on the other hand was looking outside the window.
It was then when she turned around to him, her eyes widening at the sight of the boy.
"I missed you so much." Jungwon spoke, his voice quiet, almost a whisper. And before she could realise it, he had already wrapped his arms around her small figure gently, not wanting to hurt her, "You don't even know how long I waited for you to finally wake up."
"Hi.." Eunji spoke, her voice was small and soft, as she hesitantly hugged him back, making Jungwon smile.
But the warm feeling that built up inside him was crushed down completely in a snap after she spoke again.
"..I-I'm really sorry, but do we know each other?"
the end.
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