" [...] I...might have to leave soon.
I know this sounds pretty shocking. I, myself am pretty shocked too, but it's the truth. I'm not lying. I promise you, Jungwon, this time I won't lie to you.
I will tell you everything. Every little thing, feeling and thought I kept to myself all this time with this audio, because you are the person that deserves to know the most.
I like you, Jungwon. I don't see you just as a best friend like you might do with me, but more than one. And I want to apologize.
I'm so sorry for mistaking your kind actions for affection. I'm sorry for falling in love with you. I know you don't return any of my feelings, I know that very well, but that never stopped me from loving you.
You know, maybe it was because I never really had a father figure, which made me appreciate and enjoy your affection even more.
I don't know the exact reason why I fell in love with you or when, but I knew I did.
I know this is going to sound terribly lame, but you were the first person to accept me the way I am. Remember the first time you went over to my house? I panicked so much, but your smile managed to calm me down. It was the day I realized I liked you.You were the first person to approach me so easily and made me feel comfortable. And I'm so glad that you were the one to be there for me when no one else was.
That's how I fell for you in such a short period of time like the fool I was. I should have been careful. I should have told myself that everything you did, was just a friendly gesture, but now it was too late.
You stole my heart, while yours was still stolen by Sangmi.
At first I tried to help you get close to Sangmi. After all I wanted to see you happy and not sad, but it eventually became very, very difficult, Jungwon. Can you understand? I wanted to be a good friend so bad, please believe me.
But my jealousy, my breaking heart, I really couldn't handle it anymore.
Jungwon, I tried. I tried so often.
I'm sorry for never being able to be a great, supporting friend to you.
But sadly that's not everything.
I was sick, Jungwon. I have hanahaki. As if being in an one-sided love wasn't enough, fate slapped me right in the face and gave me another illness I had to get along with.
You probably never heard of it, have you? I will explain it to you anyway~ Let me eh- read this part straight from the article because I haven't memorised it yet. "Hanahaki is a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided, unrequited love."
And if you count one and two together, you now know that I've been throwing up flowers these past weeks, because of this damn illness.
This is the thing that has been haunting me. This disgusting sickness. It was the reason why I suddenly had to leave all the time or couldn't show up at school.
Jungwon, I never tried to avoid you or run away from you, but it was too overwhelming and I couldn't let you see me..like that. I never wanted to keep this a secret from you, but knowing you..you would have blamed yourself, when it was me who decided to fall in love with you.
At first I really tried to play it cool and not let it affect me too much, but it was too hard. In the back of my head was always the fear that I could throw up petals any second or that I could lose my breath again. And with my asthma everything just got..worse. I felt myself changing, acting differently, anxious and I started to avoid the people around me.
And I'm sure you noticed it yourself too.
There are 3 ways for me to cure it. I could get surgery and lose all my feelings for you, make you like me back or die. In the beginning, I was torn between all three options, but now I was sure.
I will never lose my feelings for you no matter what happens, Jungwon.
You might think..wow, Eunji is such an idiot! She is willing to risk her life for the useless feelings she has for me, when I don't even like her back..
And you are totally right with that.
In the beginning, I was so sure that I could make you like me back. It was almost embarrassing, I would say.
I mean, I was told that I had more than 4-5 months left to make you return my feelings, which is such a long time and enough for me to win over your heart, till I would eventually die from the flowers that were cutting off my breath, if I failed.
But that turned out to be wrong and all the hope I had, crushed down completely.
Jungwon, I only had 4 weeks left.
I knew that making you like me back in 4 weeks was impossible. I lost my confidence. After all you still loved Sangmi and I knew you were going to continue to do that.
So, I immediately went with plan B.
After lots of thinking, I made big efforts to bring you and Sangmi together. I made sure she would stay by your side by the time I left, because I knew you were going to miss me when I was gone.
I knew Sangmi's relationship with Dongsoo was not healthy and they were going to break up anyway, so I took this chance, set up dates for you and Sangmi and made you guys get closer again. That was the reason why I asked her and you to be friends again.
It was going so well!
You and Sangmi were friends, got close again and you were remarkably happier.
But for me...it was breaking me, Jungwon. Seeing you spend time with the person you loved was breaking me. I-I couldn't handle it.
But then again..I wouldn't be able stay by your side anyway. I knew I had to leave soon, so I decided to stop being your friend for once and all.
I am so selfish, I'm sorry.
I couldn't bring myself to see you fall in love even more with Sangmi and I wanted to make this as painless as possible, when I leave, before the farewell will hurt the both of us too much. And if I stop being your friend you had a lot more opportunities to spend time with Sangmi, so there was nothing speaking against it, right?
Of course, there was still the surgery option left. The thing is..the surgery was damn expensive. Even if I worked part time jobs or cleaned some old ladys garden, I would have eventually needed to ask my..mother to cover the rest of the bill. I couldn't do that. How could I ever face her after wasting all her hard work, because I decided to like my best friend?
I didn't want to be a nuisance. Not again. Not ever.
And by leaving, I would prevent that. I would never be anyone's nuisance every again.
But not only that, but I was also going to lose all my feelings for you if I go for the surgery.
I wouldn't be able to love you, Jungwon.
So at the end of the day, I decided to go with the 3rd option. I decided to end all of my suffering by leaving this world behind me.
Please, don't be angry at me, Jungwon or try to stop me.
I knew you were going to be sad, that's why I kept it a secret a secret from you.
I thought about this for a long time and I was sure. I just..I can't get rid of my feelings I have for you. I rather want to be buried 6ft under the ground than live without being able to love you.
I was happy. I was so happy loving you, Jungwon. You don't even know.
Of course, It did hurt, whenever you only looked at Sangmi, when I was always right there looking at you instead. Your eyes were sparkling, Jungwon. The same way mine were sparkling whenever I looked at you.
But then again the feeling I received, just from loving you made me forget all my worries and my fears. Just like back then after school, when you waited for me for so long even though I tried to avoid you.
That's why I don't regret liking you, not even one bit.
And even though you never returned any of my feelings, liking you was the best thing that could happen to me. I didn't need you to like me back, as long as I got to like you. That's all I needed.
Before meeting you I never really had a purpose for live. I wasn't anyone's happiness, I wasn't especially good at school and my mother had to work twice as much to feed me. It was as if I was invisible, with eating, drinking and studying as my only duty.
If I left, nobody would notice. Nobody would grieve. Nobody would miss me, so what was stopping me from leaving?
Oh, there's one more thing i never got to tell you...
Jungwon, I don't have a garden. I don't have any flowers. I didn't even have enough space in my small house for a flower pot. Jungwon, I lied to you.
The only thing i have are the flowers growing inside me, the feelings i have for you.
And even though you promised me to take care of them, you never did.
Because the flowers you had for Sangmi were a little more beautiful, am i right?
Thank you, Jungwon. After I met you, I got to love someone so incredibly beautiful. Jungwon you are the love of my life and I was willing to go down with my feelings, even if that meant I was never going to see you again.
Trust me, I never wanted to die.
But I never feared death either.
Jungwon, this is probably the last time you are hearing from me. I promised myself to at least confess to you my feelings before leaving and I hope I succeeded and you don't hate me.
I never thought I was going to die this way, if I was honest.
I mean..- who would have thought I was going to see my father this early?
I will die the happiest human on earth, Jungwon. I won't have any regrets, because I made it. I lived my life as if it was my last and got to enjoy every...second of it.
Remember our first real conversation? While we were doing that art project? I asked you about your favourite flower..and you said you liked tulips.
I miss those times.
I also decided to leave at the place I met you the first time~ It will bring back so many memories to be at the school garden again...
It's so..beautiful how our friendship was built on flowers, don't you think? We met at the school garden, did an flower art project together, I have hanahaki and you love taking care of flowers..
Knowing that helped me a lot to accept my fate, Jungwon.
Even in my last moments, when I'm taking my last breaths, I won't feel the slightest pain, so please don't worry about me too much, okay?
You will never be lonely, Jungwon, even if I'm gone, so please don't miss me. Don't be sad. Don't cry, Oh please- don't cry. All your friends..and Sangmi too, they will never leave you like I will. They will always stay by your side, so please don't grieve for my death. This is what I want. I wanted this.
Don't hate me too much. Don't grieve too much. If you can, forget me. I won't be be angry if you do.
I promise you, in another life we'll meet again and I'll try my best to find you.
And you will look for me too, right? Promise me.
Jungwon, the moon is beautiful, isn't it?"
_____________________________________
The audio cut off with the girl's voice breaking.
He was still at the hospital.
It was already the next morning and he couldn't bring himself to leave. He kept replaying her audio on loop, listening to her saying 'i love you'.
Now that he knew everything that happened and everything that was going on in the girl's head, Jungwon couldn't help but be even more devastated.
"Everything's my...fault." He cried, leaning against the wall behind him, too tired to open his eyes.
He was tired, too tired to keep his eyes open, but he promised to be there when Eunji woke up.
He was sure she will and he wanted to be the first one to pull her into his arms.
Soon he heard foot steps approaching.
Jungwon's eyes widen and for a short moment, his tears stopped. He rose up from his miserable position, grabbing the adult's arm. "She..She is awake right? Of course, she is..." He spoke desperately with hopeful eyes, "Eunji has to survive, doctor. She promised me not to leave. I-I can't live without her-"
The doctor seemed unfazed and just looked at the boy, avoiding his questions. This wasn't something new to him, "Are you Eunji's guardian?"
The look on the doctor's face drove Jungwon crazy. He didn't like it. He didn't like it at all.
"H-Her mother is out of town." Jungwon managed to say, "So I-I would take over the role as her guardian for now."
"What are you to her?"
Jungwon's eyes widened, his heart sinking. What was he to her? Now that he knew everything and was sure of his own feelings. Mere best friends?
"I'm her..boyfriend."
"Alright, Jungwon. I have a good and..a bad message for you." The doctor smiled weakly, making Jungwon's stomach drop, "Which one do you want to hear first?"
Jungwon had prepared himself to get this question asked, but now that it's time for him to decide he started to panic.
Was he ready to find out what really happened?
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