Before we start... does that gif work, i'm mad dumb and i don't know. :)
Your greatest enemy is always a person you think. An friend, someone you hate or even a stranger. The truth is your enemy is yourself. No matter what or how the world makes it seem you find yourself always hoping for something you know can never happen. I always found myself dreaming, sleeping and closing my eyes and imagining things that weren't possible for my small self. I wanted a life that would benefit Bria and I, a life where we could have money and she'll go to school without having to come home and see her sister taking the bruises that were meant for her, or a life where mother and father loved us and cherished us.
But that's not reality.
Reality is a fucked up world with a fucked up system who brain washes u too believe the laws they planted in the system. It's a fucked up world where people don't give a shit about anyone but themselves unless they get money. Parents don't realize that their kid in the next room is suffering because they never find the need to ask, they pry on the things that don't matter, they don't give a shit about the mental health they put their kid in and when they find out it's to late to ask because their kid is now gone.
Taken from the world.
They wonder why? why did my kid do this? why didn't my kid come to me? why would my kid leave me? But it's too late to ask any of those questions because they never looked at the messages their kid gave them. The green light flashed red before their eyes and they wouldn't look up to realize that the car is still driving about to hit the end of the cliff. They didn't find the means to come in and be the figures we needed. To show love, compassion, to hug us close and tell us that, 'it's okay.' that, 'whatever happens i'll love u forever.' words that needed to be said but they never said them.
Now they left us alone and broken not knowing the difference between love and attack mode. Attack to survive, fight no matter what means are necessary, to leave your kid weak and hopeless because of the things they chose.
My mother let the men she brought in the house abuse and rape me.
When she came home one day and found the man she was with the night before on top of me, cry's leaving my lips and tears stained my cheeks she didn't come running and helping she stood in the door way with wide eyes watching the scene in front of her. The daughter she raised being brutally raped in front of her eyes, on her knees, hands behind her back in cuffs and a sock between her mouth to quiet the sound; the man she brought into the house behind the daughters back grunting with his eyes rolled back enjoying what's happening while he smacked the daughters ass.
My mother yelled at the man but you think she helped the daughter out? no. She did the complete opposite, screamed at the daughter called her a, 'slut.' an, 'whore.' beat the daughter and locked the daughter in her closet and didn't feed her for 2 days. When I was allowed out my room to finally see Bria the man was back in the house a week later. I never left my room for that week. Bria came in and tried to make me eat but the food never stayed down because of the flash backs. I was reliving the memories in my head torturing myself.
Three times it happened, my mother only saw once out of the three and I blamed myself. I always thought I did something to bring these men to me, maybe it was my fault, maybe I allowed these men to fuck me and hit me because I was to weak to fight back. After each one left me bleeding and left me crying. Bria always found me staring at myself in the mirror in the room and it got bad to the point where she painted the mirror white. I didn't talk for a whole month, I didn't eat for 2 weeks. I scared Bria and she always begged mother to help me but mother was alway to high to even care.
Now I realized that i'll always be back in the room starring at the painted white mirror.
Grey is my favorite color because it's empty. To make grey you need black and white, and everyone looks at the color white and thinks, "Angel." when you think angel you think happiness and joy but that's not true. White is pain hiding behind the joyful act and nobody ever notices the pain it goes through. When you think of black you think, "Fear." but black is just a color that's never actually there, you close your eyes and black is what takes your vision but you never see anything. It's a shadow that no one notices. Now when you add a little white to black you get grey, a color that meets the middle calm, gentle and a little light but when you look into it you find that it means more than it lets on.
I am grey.
____
Jay stayed with me until I fell asleep, playing with my hair as I closed my eyes and drifted off to the middle of no where. When I woke up he was gone and I couldn't go back to sleep.
Sitting on the kitchen stool staring at my reflection that stares back through the refrigerator with a glass a water in my hands I wonder how I screwed up so badly in life. I always made sure to pass my test and to never fail. I always watched out for Bria and even if I failed doing that Ethan had always been behind pushing me and telling me to go further than I can. So how am I like this? Why am I like this. I don't want to be like this, so hurt from the world and so confused.
"Butters?" Bria voice breaks me out my trace and I turn to face her.
Her arms folded wearing a white tank top and some shorts with her hair in a messy bun, looks like she just woke up. Rubbing her eye she opens her mouth to speak again, "What are you doing down here?"
I chuckle and ask her the same thing, "I couldn't sleep." she makes her way over to me sitting on the stool beside me.
"And I couldn't neither." I mask a smile hiding how empty I feel inside but of course Bria knows something up.
I think she knows me more than I know myself. She always knows when I'm lying or when I'm down and I wonder how she does it? how does she make life seem so easy with a snap of her fingers.
"You know you can talk to me, right?" Her soft voice sounds so worried looking at my with her blue eyes and forehead creased with fear. I nod, "So talk to me."
"It happened again." I whisper my voice breaking as I play with my fingers, "I don't know what triggered it this time or why but I ju-just couldn't stop it." My voice is shaky as I try to get the words out wondering why this always happens.
I look up and Bria has a scared expression on her face and I couldn't blame her. Last time this happened was a couple months back when Bria was at school and I was home alone, I was listening to music and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. When Bria came home she found me crawled up on the floor shaking and tears coated most of my face.
"Did you do anything?" She asks and I know what she talking about right away.
"Nothing extreme Bria just small cuts." I look away from her eyes staring at the wall across from her, "I'm fine." I look back at her and she shakes her head,
"Non-" Bria nose starts to bleed and my heart beats faster than ever I jump off the stool and grab a paper towel running too pat her nose,
"Did you take your pills?" I yelled, forgetting everything we were just talking about. This was more important.
"Ye-yes." she stutters.
I feel her forehead and it's heating up, "Bria! do not lie to me."
"I'm fine!" she yells pushing my hand, "Nothing wrong with me! we got over this okay? everything's fine." she pats her nose removing the tissue that's covered in blood.
"None of this is fucking fine! you almost died last time! do you not remember?!" I run my hands over my face, "You can't die! I need you." I sigh, "Please?"
"I'm fine, Baila." She smiles calmly, "Nothing going to happen I am going to be okay, I will never leave you." she walks over to me and I shake my head.
"Everyone always leaves." I cry out.
Thinking about the time she was in the hospital she was 10 and I was 13 so scared to lose her but she was so brave. Smile on her face while mom and dad hugged each other and held me tight I remember before she went into surgery she whispered to me only for me to hear, "I'll make it." and when she came back she did exactly what she promised.
6 years later she made it but she was always so fragile after a while and I understood the chances she risked she will always make it just to make sure i'm never alone—she proved that day after day, arguing with mom she always came in the room hugging me close making sure I didn't cry alone, going to get my license, making dinner and laughs she was there for all those moments to make sure I never experienced anything alone.
When I told her about the rapes she cried she apologized over and over again because she knew I did it to protect her. She always wanted to protect me even though I was older but I never allowed her too. The only way she could was never leaving me and she made sure to never do that.
"I will never leave you." she whispers quietly wrapping her arms around my neck holding me close.
I was supposed to be the one holding her close while she cried, I was supposed to be strong for her but it was always the opposite. I was the weaker one out the two but Bria always believed it's because I been through more but I knew that was a lie. She was strong and it's because she has angels carrying her.
"I love you."
"I love you." She hugs me close like she never wants to leave and once she pulls away she has the biggest smile on her face.
"Did Jay ask you to the mafia ball?" she changed the subject walking around the island to the kitchen counters digging through them before picking up her pills and taking two out, popping it in her mouth and downing it with my glass of water.
I roll my eyes playfully with a smirk on my face, "Did Antonio ask you?" I flip the question on her and right as the name of the devil comes out she giggles. Antonio comes down the hall grabbing her and running to throw her on the couch.
"Fucking ass hole!" she screeches,
"In coming!!!" I turn my head to see Jay running down the stairs and before I can run away he grabs me by the waist throwing me on his shoulder,
"Let me down!!!" I scream.
Jay runs in circles my hair a curtain to my face laughs and giggles coming from Antonio and Bria and Me and Jay, "Jay!" I laugh staring at one place without thinking I raise my hand and a loud, "Ow." echos through my ears.
"Did you just smack my ass?" Jay asks and without even having to look at him I know he has a smirk on his face,
"No." I stretch out the word giggling like a school girl, "Ow!!" I hiss as a hard impact comes to my ass, "You smacked my bottoms!"
"It was only fair." Jay places me down and I look up at him.
He has a smirk on his face and his brown eyes glow from the sun shining through the open windows, his brown hair messy and his pink lips so plump.
Walking away I turn back to the kitchen. Jay's back to me in a quick movement I slap his ass again and once it jiggles I let out a laugh. He turns around eyes narrowed, "Oh?" I run.
I run so fast around the island Jay on one side across from me, "I'm getting you for that!"
"YES JAY YOU GET HER!" Bria calls from the couch straddling Antonio who's talking to her about something.
"Really you're on his side." I turn to look at her with disbelief on my face.
Jay comes launching from the right and I run towards the left knocking over a stool, "Oops ! sorry." I scream running around the couch.
"I'm faster than you!" Jay screams from behind and I know he close.
I run up the white polished stairs making it slippery for me to run on specially with socks, I run down the hall into Jay office and when I turn to close the door Jay hand grabs it pushing it back, "Got you." he says with a smile his dimple showing.
He closes the door with my back pressed too it. I look up at him a smile on my face, he grabs my waist and I wrap my arms around his neck, "Oh do you?" I ask a playful smirk growing on his face,
He nods and nuzzles his face in my neck planting a kiss below my ear and tracing back to my jaw line before planting a kiss to my lips, "You know...I never forgot that you're a crazy bitch." he bites on my bottom lip making a whimper escape my lips.
Just saying I wrote this chapter back to back with the other two just never released it!! here you go my babies. I wanna add next chapter lights up the mood a little. I feel like you needed to know the past to understand the present and to understand the present you want to know the past.