She pulled them from the deepest corner of her wardrobe and threw them. Letting the papers securely fastened inside, jerk as they hit her floor.
Dalmi was in love with a man named Nam Dosan. She had never felt more vulnerable. He had confessed his love for her and she had run. She was the coward and as much as she wanted to push herself away from her own desires, his words, she couldn't find herself with enough will power to do so.
She crumbled to her knees as she became too weak to think or cooperative with all the words flying around in her aching head. She looked up to the pinkness that caught her glistened eyes, and that's when she saw them.
The untouched flowers from this morning. 'I don't have time'
But she did now. As she picked herself up off the floor, she paced cautiously towards the flowers and hoped that they weren't another piece of Yongsan's game.
Parting the delicate petals, a few fell as she did so and she almost held her breath when they disintegrated in her hands. Seo Dalmi felt so broken but as she fished the bug-free phone from the bundle of flowers; the sight of it weld in her heart and she wondered how she could have been so stupid to not get it from Halmeoni earlier.
Dosan had always used the personal app he made for her, she cursed herself.
'When love is not madness, it is not love' – Pedro Calderson de la Barco
-Dosan x
As she read the message, she felt herself sink into the quote but then for just the briefest moment, she wanted to know why. Why he would send her this today of all days. Why wait until now. But then it occurred to her, she knew this wasn't just a business deal and of course he did too.
The file, the Sandbox building, being wrapped in his arms, the personal message app, the peonies, the dress, the look in his eyes, the feel of his arms wrapped around her waist as he talked about his insignificance. Him.
_______________
His mind was a blur. Dosan had wished Chulsan a good evening and found solace in escaping in his sleek car.
One glass of that sweet, burning nectar down his throat was nowhere near enough to satisfy him from the humiliation of being pushed away once again.
As much as his mind thought sexual revenge was a good mix with his alcohol consumption, his body wouldn't allow it, not after her and truthfully, it hadn't since the moment they were locked away in his bedroom weeks past. A sensation he had never experienced before. It wasn't sex, it was love.
Stupidly he had confessed such a thing, hoping she would fall into his arms. She made him need to. Want to, but he had his answer and it only gave him the ammunition to never open his heart again. After all, Yongsan was right; Nam Dosan was an empty pit. Not worthy of love and certainly not worthy to love.
He laughed bitterly as he now stood slumped at his own bar, the memory of his soppy gestures to the stranger he thought beautiful. Oh god, he would never resent her beauty but he resented pulling down his walls for her. He had never wanted someone so much, but now he only wanted to numb it.
Just tiny dots in the distance of irrelevance...
____________
Saha was right; she had forgiven him a long time ago. Maybe weeks but the only thing she could place that was holding her away from him was the power he had over her.
Seo Dalmi was not a weakling. She stood on her own two feet and she wasn't someone's property but when she was in his arms, his bed, his eyes. She had never felt more vulnerable and that's why she ran. The knowledge that if she fell deeper, she wouldn't be able to get out. It scared her to running away every chance she got.
And the worst thing was, Dosan was right. He made her furious, frustrated, crazy and she would spend every spare moment pondering what they could be but the fear would only subside that eventually.
Dalmi was in love with Nam Dosan and as she started to move, her body leading the way, all she could think of was the fury that he put within her. How much she wanted to hate him, to cause him pain, to love him, to be held by him, to be kissed senseless until she was drunk enough to take the leap and let herself be vulnerable for once. To let herself be loved. To love.
He had said it himself; he had all about forced himself into her life and etched his perfectness into her mind and reeked havoc with her emotions.
As she forced herself out into the cold open air Seoul, two files in hand, she was only in the direction of one place.
The elevator climbed the endless amount of floors to his penthouse; her sweaty palms gripped the two thick, leather folders tighter, wanting nothing more than to throw them at him, wiping that perfect smirk right off his lips.
Her feet carried without realization and she was now sharing the same air as him.
She found him stood by the bar, nursing a tumbler of scotch as he brooded.
Feeling the shift in presence in the room, he immediately shot his eyes up to the visitor.
Standing rigid, he turned his body to meet her gaze, magnetism compelling him a little closer but no such thing as hope gracing his features. Just a longing, empty stare.
"Come to gloat? Issue me with a restraining order?" Dosan laughed bitterly, Dalmi clearly noting that the drink in his hand wasn't his first.
"Let me save you the trouble. I'll leave you alone. Feel free to leave with peace of mind that I won't corrupt your life any longer." He spat, gesturing to the path she had just rode in on.
"Ah jinjja - you're infuriating!" she cried, throwing the leather wallets against the sofa.
"Enjoyed the light reading I see?"
"Who do you think you are?" she accused, her arms flailing as she did so.
He didn't answer back but heaved a sigh and waited for her to continue with her accusation.
"You jump into my already twisted life and screw with my mind. You have me investigated, you punch my date, some tacky bimbo makes me jealous for some unknown reason, you send me notes that make me want to scream at you, punch you; that make me feel! You confess your deeply unwanted emotions towards me at a very inopportune moment and then you expect me to sedate you further by reading a dark story of your life because you think it will make amends?" she shouted.
"What did you expect? I'm Nam Dosan! I'm sure what you read was enough to get a clear of image of who I am. Although I'm sure Yongsan helped you enough with that." He hissed, emptying his glass and discarding it on the bar.
"I didn't read your file, Dosan-ah... just like I believe you didn't read mine..." she admitted, calming down a little.
"So?" he continued, bluntly wanting her to say it first, whatever it was.
"A month ago I was extremely happily to be unengaged! I may have plodded through life unaware of how miserable I was but at least I didn't feel it! But then you- you force yourself into my life and I then I realized how shit my life really is." she softened, feeling her eyes swell with wetness.
"You woke me up from the daydream I was happily living a lie in and you made me feel... I second guessed my own belief that true love really existed and I could ever have a soul mate, all because of you!"
When she paused to regain her composure, Dosan took the opportunity to piece together a few things, coming somewhat more aware of what was happening.
"What are you trying to say?"
"That I am in love with you! That all of the sadness in your eyes matches mine! For the first time in a long time... I feel safe... I feel worthy of something... even when you hurt me... and I feel myself wanting to save you!" she yelled, crying freely now as he stepped a little closer, still to cautious to let her in completely.
"No one can love someone like me." He announced numbly, Dalmi stepping to him this time.
"Why not?" she dared.
"Because I don't deserve to be loved. I kill everything I touch. I can only dream for someone, I can't love… least of all know how to love."
"Then why, every time you look me in the eyes, I see the real you. Why do I feel it when we touch.. when we made love?"
She was next to him now. Her perfect fingers cupping his cheeks as he clenched his eyes closed.
"You made it clear that you don't want me. Why else would you run? I took the hint-" he moped sadly but only to be lifted back by her touch.
"You don't scare me Nam Dosan and no matter what you may have forced yourself to believe, you do deserve to be loved.. Saranghae." She sighed, tears running wildly down her cheeks as one rolled down his under closed lids.
"I was so scared- scared that if I let you in... that you would break me twice as hard as anyone ever did...so I ran…many times!" she admitted, breathing deeply as her mouth neared his with a small laugh.
"I don't care what Yongsan said, I don't care what others think of you. I care about the man I've seen. The man I know you can be."
"Wae? Why would you do that?" he hissed.
"Because I love you," she whispered back so quiet only he could hear.
"And as much as I hate to admit it, you were right. You make me crazy, mad and I have never felt anything like it but.. but it feels so right."
Dosan felt himself believing every word. Their whole relation flashing in front of his eyes as he watched her cry; gripping his cheeks tighter and pulling at the little boy within him.
"Let me in.. Jebal." She begged as he merely listened, tears forcing themselves upon him as he fought to stay composed.
As much as he wanted to push her away like she had done him, he only felt himself falling deeper into the truth, her eyes, her scent, the beauty of this stranger.
"Don't let me fall," she begged as she felt herself gripping his cheeks even tighter as he tortured her with more silence.
"Tell me I'm not dreaming." He muttered against her lips, needing more than her begging.
"Only if you promise to never break me-"
"I could never-" he began but was cut of by her lips firmly claiming his.
This time he didn't resistant but only pulled her to him with every breath he had. She was in his arms and although the pushing in his mind wanted him to let her go, the throbbing in his chest told him that right now, in his arms, he could never let her go.
Her lips washed his fear away and only hooked him harder. As he sobered from the forgotten alcohol, he was inebriated further by her tongue invading his mouth and the pull of her hands against his neck, on his lapels.
It wasn't the buzz of alcohol that was causing the tingling sensation when they touched, it was the love her felt as her body claimed his; pushing, pulling, tugging, needing, wanting.
It was an eternity as he pulled back to see her face; her swollen lips and glistening eyes, telling him he certainly wasn't dreaming.
His hands were at her cheeks, on her neck as he tugged her closer to him so he could place a chaste kiss against the side of her mouth.
She melted into his lips are she closed her eyes with each soft touch, just letting him be; waiting and watching.
Dosan kissed her once more on her drenched cheeks bones; wiping away the evidence with his thumbs as she felt his hands change direction and before there was any resistance, Dalmi was in his arms, staring into his clouded eyes that matched hers. Lost in his embrace as he carried them away into the darkness of his penthouse; the deepness of their love.