Sawyer
On our way back to the motel, Dean was dragging me behind him without any comment. As soon as I realized what just happened, I pulled away.
"Get your hands off me!"
If that was really Lexi in the alley, I needed to be sure, so I turned around and walked back but Dean stopped me.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?"
"She was there!", I spat at him. "I swear she was... she..."
I was shaking my head in confusion and Dean was rolling his eyes at me but there was something new in his eyes; for a split second I thought I saw concern in them, an emotion which didn't fit to his attitude towards me.
"You need to calm down, who did you see?
Confused about his newly won interest towards me and my issues, I scrutinized him but then I shook my head in denial. It couldn't have been Lexi, she is dead and I obviously hallucinated.
"Never mind."
Dean was clearly surprised about my reaction when I walked past him towards to the motel.
"You sure you don't wanna check?
"No! Let's just go!"
I was angry and I really wanted to let him feel that, but I wasn't even sure if I could blame Dean for my anger and rage.
Sure, driving around with Dean just to bring his brother home and constantly being in his presence isn't exactly Candyland, since we were always fighting but seeing Lexi today really blew me off. She'd triggered the guilt which I was burying inside of me for ages and as if that wasn't enough, she had fucking black eyes.
Oh my god... what if Lexi became a demon in hell and managed to go back to earth? That's why I didn't see her down there.
My mouth was getting dry and my throat was closing which made it pretty hard for me to breathe. I started to panic and it took Dean only seconds to realize that something was wrong.
"Sawyer? Sawyer!" He tried to calm me down by trying to get me breathe normally but I couldn't listen to him. All I could think about was how Lexi was doomed since the beginning just because of my doing. Dean started to shake me because I didn't react to his tries to calm me down. As my breathing got steadier, he sat me down on the nearest bench.
"Now tell me the truth and don't even try to give me that crap about how you didn't see anything." His look was expectant but I couldn't even bring out a full sentence so I only stammered "she... demon". As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I saw how Dean's jaw clenched and how his emotions went wild inside of his head; I hated, that I was a scared of him when he behaved like this.
"Stay here.", he mumbled and took off with a knife in his hand.
I couldn't keep track of the time; Dean could've been gone for hours and I wouldn't have noticed since my mind wasn't clear and full of guilt. All I could see was Lexi and all that blood.
A little child who ran past me and playfully yelled pulled me back into reality. I needed to get up and look for Dean, he was gone way to long. Suddenly, I remembered the knife he had in his hand and although I knew that nothing could kill a demon, I was scared that he would try to exorcise her. If he'd send her back to hell, I could never forgive myself.
I brought her so much pain, I couldn't bear to inflict more despite the fact that she was a demon now. Besides, I needed answers from her and so I ran back to the alley while I was hoping that it wasn't too late.
"Dean? Dean, where are you?"
Someone was running towards me and moments later Dean was standing in front of me breathing heavily.
"Didn't I tell you to stay back?"
"Listen, don't exorcise her! I know she's a demon and all but I need answers."
I could tell, by the look on his face, that he was confused.
"What are you talking about? Why exorcise and not kill?
"Dean you can't kill demons, that's impossible."
"Demon-killing knife." He was waving wildly with his knife.
Now I was confused but I shook it off quickly.
"Whatever... No killing and no exorcising, got it?"
"Why shouldn't I kill them? Why would you protect those bastards?
Dean was getting suspicious and I kind of understood that but why was this guy all about killing?
"Well, that's just great, let's kill everything we see before we get the chance to talk and may notice that we kill an innocent. But I get it, clearly all you can think about is killing."
"Innocent? You think those sons of bitches are innocent?"
Out of anger I shoved him and yelled at him.
"Don't fucking call her that!"
Once again, I could see how Dean had to fight with his anger and how he was close to pick up a fight but before he could do anything, I yelled at him again.
"SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND! Okay? She was my best friend and she doesn't deserve this."
Dean's eyes, which before were filled with anger, changed and for the first time I could see something warm and almost vulnerable.
"I'm sorry to hear that but Sawyer, there was no one there... And even if she was, this isn't your best friend anymore. She..."
"I fucking know that Dean! Don't treat me like a child."
"Then stop behaving like one."
I looked at him in shock but flinched as I heard Bobby's voice behind me.
"What are you two idiots doing here? Get the hell back, we have work to do!"
I was still staring into Deans eyes since he was staring into mine, but there was no sign of warmth or even sensitivity. Rather, I was now staring into these empty and angry eyes again.
...
Back in the motel room Dean and Bobby were seated on the couch and I was sitting on the bed with crossed legs. I was still a little pissed at them because they didn't allow me to search for Lexi again but on the other hand what good would possibly come out of this?
If Lexi was really a demon, she wouldn't have any love left for me or anyone else and she also would probably kill me in a heartbeat. Suddenly the door opened and a very tall guy, who I assumed was Sam, came in with some bottles of beer which he passed out to Dean and Bobby. He was about to sit down but then he discovered me, sitting on his bed which might've made a weird first impression. You could see that he was really confused.
"Who are you?"
Out of politeness I stood up.
"I'm Sawyer Ward, my Mom was uhm... friends... with Bobby. She died a few months ago and apparently I'm gonna stay with Bobby for a while, since he doesn't let me do anything on my own."
To my surprise, Sam was in many things the complete opposite of Dean, because he was actually being really nice and when he shook my hand, he smiled at me warmly.
"I'm Sam Winchester, nice to meet you."
"Oh wow, a Winchester being polite, you don't see that every day."
Sam furrowed his eyebrows in confusion and then turned around and gave Dean a reproachful look who rolled his eyes at us.
"Anyways, Sam what were you doing around here if you weren't digging me out of my grave?"
Sam turned away from me and took a seat next to Dean.
"Well, once I figured out I couldn't save you, I started hunting down Lilith, trying to get some payback."
"All by yourself. Who do you think you are, your old man?"
Even though he didn't show it, I could see that Bobby was clearly hurt since he was worrying a lot about Sam but I didn't know what Dean and Sam's father had to do with it.
"Uh, yeah, I'm sorry, Bobby. I should have called. I was pretty messed up."
"Oh yeah. I really feel your pain."
Dean was holding up a pink bra but as soon as he saw my irritated face, he threw it back on the ground. Oh my god, was that an embarrassed look on his face? I had to chuckle about the thought of him being embarrassed.
"What's so funny?
Dean was irritated and I tried to keep a straight face so I wouldn't make the situation worse.
Sam looked at us with a confused face trying to get smart out of our behavior.
"Anyways, uh, I was checking these demons out of Tennessee, and out of nowhere they took a hard left, booked up here."
"When?"
Dean went back to the couch and I decided to be silent and let them talk since they had a lot to catch up with. But then Sam said something which made me quite uncomfortable.
"Yesterday Morning."
I was shocked and Dean was also pretty surprised because he was looking at me with big eyes.
"When we busted out."
"You think these demons are here because of you?", Bobby responded calmly.
Since this was now also my concern, I decided to sit down next to them and take part in the conversation.
"Why would they?"
What I'll had to give to Dean was his professionalism. When he was working, he was able to completely ignore the grudge he seemed to bear against me. Maybe I should do the same since there was something way more important going on.
"I don't know, some badass demon drags us out and now this? It's gotta be connected somehow."
"Yeah. Well, listen. No demon's letting you loose out of the goodness of their hearts. They've gotta have something nasty planned."
Sam was eyeing me curiously before talking. Bobby must've told him that I was also fugitive from hell because he didn't ask any questions when Dean said 'we'. I was wondering what else he told him.
"Bobby's right but this leads to nowhere. We don't know what they're planning. We got a pile of questions and no shovel. We need help."
"I know a psychic. A few hours from here. Something this big, maybe she's heard the other side talking.", Bobby suggested.
"Well yeah, it's worth a shot.", I replied while shrugging my shoulders.
Bobby was mumbling something about being right back and then he stood up and left the motel room leaving me alone with Sam and Dean.
Dean was about to leave but Sam stopped him and handed him some kind of amulet.
I decided not to participate in their conversation but then I heard how Sam asked Dean about how hell was and although Dean's answer wasn't very surprising it was still very hard for me to hear it.
"What, hell? I don't know, I, I must have blacked it out. I don't remember a damn thing."
Sam was relieved but I was angry, I scoffed as I walked past him and gave him a furious look.
To calm myself down I went outside, because I was in desperate need of fresh air and it did help me a bit.
As I was leaning on the railing, I had to think about how fucked up all this was. I couldn't make myself a rhyme about why some demons would torture me for years and then suddenly decide to let me go.
I caught myself thinking about Dean and how involved he was in all this. Maybe I was doing him wrong all this time and he really couldn't remember what happened in hell and especially what he had done, which didn't automatically mean that I had to forget and forgive.
But on the other hand, there was a reason why I ended up in hell and neither Dean nor any other demon that ever tortured me was to blame.
Suddenly the door swung open and I expected Dean to go all nuts on me and tell me to go inside if there was even the slightest possibility that demons were out there looking for us, but it was just Sam who was now beside me also leaning on the railing.
"So, you're Sawyer... the Sawyer?"
"Based on the sound of your voice, I'm assuming you already know me."
"Not really, Bobby just mentioned your name a few times months ago."
His weak smile calmed me down even more and I couldn't help myself to smile back.
"You're a lot nicer than your brother."
"Yeah, about that... Listen...", he was scratching his head and looked at me almost embarrassed. "I know Dean's a lot to take sometimes, but maybe you could try to go a little easy on him. I mean I don't know the reason why you hate him so much and I'm also pretty sure Dean doesn't even know the reason, so maybe give him a chance."
I couldn't bring myself to tell Sam the reasons of my hatred towards Dean. When I was looking at Sam, I could see how he admires his big brother and I could never destroy that.
"I'll try."
I flinched. This was one the worst lies I ever told someone and I knew that Sam didn't believe me, hell, I didn't even believe myself, but at least Sam remained silent and didn't complain.
"I'm gonna go now, I promised Dean I would get some pie. You want something too?"
"No thanks, I'm good."
Maybe I really should go easier on Dean, now that I wasn't sure if he could remember hell.
I caught myself wishing Dean really couldn't remember hell, because then I wouldn't have to deal with this situation and it would also be a lot easier to deal with him.
But then why could I remember hell? Why was Dean lucky enough to forget everything? Why did I had to deal with the torments of these memories?