I stepped into Doctor Jensen's office and reviewed my surroundings. The room, alike this entire building, was stark white and looked like it could easily be a hospital room. The room was bare of all furniture and decorations, apart from a desk that Doctor Jensen sat at in the middle of the room.
"Michelle, thankyou for being so punctual. Please come take a seat and let's get started with your first day of therapy." Doctor Jensen said, gesturing to sit down in a cushioned chair across from him.
I sat down where he pointed and hugged my arms to my chest nervously, running through the advice that Seth had given her over breakfast.
"So Michelle-"
"It's Elle." I interrupted, I was getting pretty sick of hearing everyone call me that around here.
"Sorry Michelle, we like to call people by their given name here, nicknames are sweet and all but we've noticed many of our patients prefer to use nicknames that could encourage their gender confusion, so we've put a ban on them completely. Now may I continue?"
I nodded. I guess I would just have to get used to it.
"So Michelle, you know why you're here. Your parents caught you kissing a girl. In today's session we are just aiming to get to the root of why you might have been having such impure thoughts, then when we discover that maybe we can start discussing treatments." he paused to offer me a glass of water which I quickly declined, "So, any ideas so far? Tell me what was running through your head when you did that."
My mind went back to the day in question, when I had leaned in and gently kissed Jamie, feeling her smile into the kiss before my dad had barged in. What had been going through my head at that time? I loved that girl. And I wanted to be able to kiss her in my own room in my own home. But I knew telling him that wouldn't be the best idea so my brain thought back to the tips Seth had written down on the napkin.
"I think, at the time I'm not really sure what had come over me. I just know that growing up my mom wasn't really around that much, always working and I spent most of my time with my dad." I said, quoting the tragic backstory Seth had suggested.
"Brilliant observation, Michelle, that could link to why you find yourself needing to get attention from girls rather than boys; you never had that female attention growing up.
I bit my tongue at the obvious lie, both of my parents had been brilliant growing up, this was nothing to do with them. I can't choose who I fall in love with, but to talk to the girl I love I have to just play along with whatever bullshit he says.
"That could also explain why you feel the need to dress so masculine." he continued, gesturing to my outfit, "Of course you are free to wear what you like whilst here as long as you are cooperating with treatment. But yes that explains a lot." He began writing notes down on his clipboard.
The next hour passed incredibly slowly. It was a full hour of him asking about my childhood, my early teenage years, what my hobbies were, who I was friends with, the first time I ever had an 'impure thought' about another girl. By the time the hour was up it was a battle to keep the grateful smile plastered on my face when I so badly wanted to just stand and throw his stupid clipboard in his face. But to get to talk to Jamie I had to just grin and bear it.
Finally he concludes the session by saying
"Excellent work today Michelle, you have been so helpful and seem to be really proactive in your treatment. We usually get a little bit more resistance than this on the first few days. I reckon you'll be ready to discuss your treatment probably in your session in a couple of days! What an achievement."
He paused and handed me a slip of paper which he had signed and dated.
"This is your pass to write a letter to someone back home. One pass equals one letter so choose carefully who you write to you only get one today. I usually wouldn't give out one of these so early but you really are being an ideal patient." he smiled and gestured to the clock on the wall.
"Well it's nearly time for your next period so I would get going before you're late. Letters are being sent out tomorrow morning, just leave your letter and letter pass with Sister Amy tomorrow at 9 and that'll be sent off for you." he said cheerily.
I stood and walked to the door, eager to leave. I said bye to him and left his office, glad to no longer be under his scrutinizing gaze. I slipped my letter pass into my pocket grinning to myself and checked my timetable.
10.15 - 12.15 CHURCH
I groaned internally. I had never been one for religion and two full hours in church seemed to be a bit much. I walked to the common room where I had agreed to meet Seth at the end of my therapy session. He was leaning against a table studying a painting that looked like it had been done by a 5 year old with impaired vision.
"Hey E!" he shouted at me waving me over, "So... how did it go? Did you get it?"
I pulled out my letter pass and grinned at him.
"Yesss! That's my girl." he exclaimed walking towards me, "Now tell me, does that look like me?" He gestured towards the painting that was a blob of brown, red and blue.
"Errr... sure?" I lied looking at the painting.
He laughed in defeat and linked arms with me "You are such a liar, E. I love it. Now let's get to church before we get dragged there by our hair."
He pulled me along and dragged me into an old building which was clearly the church, and plonked us down into one of the pews.
"So I promised you earlier that I would give you the play by play of the staff here and so I shall." Seth whispered to me as the organ began playing.
He pointed to the two pews at the front where a group of 5 middle aged women were sat singing along to the hymns.
"I'll just go along in order and you can follow with which is which. The one on the far left is Sister Amy, she's quite strict but nice when it comes down to it. Then there's Sister Clara and Sister Martha, both fairly average nothing much about them. Then Sister Rose, she's the nicest one here, always willing to sit with you whilst you have a breakdown. As homophobic twats go, shes basically the nicest it gets." He paused and started miming along to the words as the Priest turned in our direction.
The second he turned away Seth continued to talk about the staff.
"And that last one on the far right, shes Nurse Beatrice. She's a massive dick. Will get you in trouble for literally anything. She tends to be on the night shift more so than the day shift though so we rarely have to deal with her."
As Seth finished talking, the song came to a close and suddenly the Chapel doors were banging open as a giggling Cassidy and Brandon ran into the church, gaining angry glares from the Sisters.
They quickly ran and took a seat in the pew directly in front of us.
"So sorry Father White." Cassidy said stifling a laugh.
"Won't happen again." Brandon chimed in, the amusement very clear on his face.
The priest, Father white, shook his head at the two, looking unconvinced and I guessed this scenario happened regularly.
"Do those two never get in trouble?" I whispered to Seth when the sermon continued.
"Oh they do." Seth responded in a hushed tone, "But they've both been here too long to care about points, and since the only punishment system they have in place is deducting points, they basically do whatever."
"So they've been here a while then?"
"Oh yeah, they both came here 3 years ago, arrived same week and all. Now they're basically just passing time until they age out of the system and can leave."
We turned back to face the front and started joining in with the hymns, I did actually care about the points and I wasn't risking having my letter pass being taken off me.
I watched the pew in front of us as Brandon leaned into Cassidy and whispered something in her ear which caused her to crack up in silent laughter and slap him with her hymn book.
I knew I was being slightly creepy, watching her like I was, but something about her just drew me in and I couldn't control my thoughts which seemed to be constantly trained on her. It was at that moment she turned around and saw me looking at her. She flashed a smile at me before I glanced away, embarrassed at being caught staring. I could feel myself start to turn red as my face heated up and I heard her giggle softly before turning back to Brandon. The movement sent a waft of fruity air towards me, and I guessed that was her perfume. I normally couldn't stand the stuff; I found it overpowering and chemically but hers smelt just how her personality was, and weirdly I found myself enjoying how full on it was.
We sat through the two hour long sermon, with Seth occasionally leaning in to whisper his thoughts on what was being said, and the sound of Cassidy and Brandon giggling to each other in the row in front. I had stopped paying attention to what was going on immediately, choosing instead to start drafting my letter to Jamie in my head.
'Hi Jamie,
You have to help me!!! I've been sent to a conversion therapy camp in the middle of nowhere. PLEASE come and rescue me.
Love Elle'
No that didn't feel right.
'Dear Jamie,
I miss you so much. I'm so sorry about everything that happened but why the hell did you ignore all my messages and calls when I needed you??? You left me completely alone and now I'm suffering the consequences.
From Elle'
No, that seems a bit too blamey and I forgot to mention the whole conversion therapy thing.
Fuck it. I'll just write it when I get back to my room, whatever comes out comes out, it's not like I have anything else to lose.