(MOST OF THE SITUATION IN THIS CHAPTER ARE MADE UP, REMEMBER THIS IS A FAN/SHIPPER POV)
ROSE' POV
"Jennie Unnie, I'd like to tell you something first."
"Sure Rosie, what do you have to tell me?"
"It's about me and Lisa."
"Oh! You better sit down there, Jennie." Says L before stepping aside.
She sits down next to me; her slight body makes the mattress gently sway.
"Jennie, you already know about...you know... between me and Lisa, and ..yeah..."
I try to look at her face, so I turn my body towards her; shifting my eyes from the floor to her gaze.
"..I never had the chance or...yeah..the nerve, to talk to you openly about how it started. how my attraction to Lisa began."
I can feel she's already tense. It's the same tension that comes when Lisa is faced with a particular argument, which most of the time freaks her out, and I quickly feel uneasy.
"I think it's my time to confess what happened...during... the trainee's days.."
Suddenly get bogged down in words, don't know how to go on. I want to tell her about the relationship, but telling her we had sex is not so simple, especially since she was sure she was her first.
"Come on."
Her beautiful smile fades into a confused face; immediately, in her eyes, uncertainty and nervousness are clearly visible.
Bad start, I can't keep the look on her.
"Go ahead rosé. I'm listening." She says with a choked almost edge in her voice.
"During the trainee days, I had a relationship with Lisa."
Gosh! It all came out really in one breath.
This is shocking enough for me, but when I look again at Jennie, her face doesn't seem much changed after my words. Maybe she imagined something like this? Maybe it's something so far back in time that it doesn't affect her feelings?
"Oh. A relationship with Lisa?" She says quietly.
"I don't really know when... how.. the attraction was established. I really don't."
But my confession it's not just about the relationship.
"I'd never thought about girls, I mean... Lisa, in that way, Jennie."
Nothing comes out of her mouth; she keeps standing by my side and listening to my words.
"..Just.. one day...we were in the trainee's dorm..and..."
Until I feel Jennie's body slightly tremble for a moment. I think she's slowly realizing the idea, as she looks directly at me, waiting for my whole confession.
"..And... and I kissed her and... I mean... Jennie... that day we were on her bed..and..."
Jennie's always been really smart. It doesn't take much for her to get right to the point, but this time she wants me to dig it out.
"What?"
Suddenly a tightness in my chest comes over me,
Fuck, Chaeyoung.
What if I ruined everything? Is there really a need for me to tell her this? To destroy a belief that she may care about?
"Rosé please go on."
It's too late now. Wavering will only make things worse.
"We had sex."
Shock clearly crossed her face, and she quickly turns away; staring at a point in the void.
Silence falls. Clearly, this was something she did not expect. Lisa, her Lisa, was touched by someone else. Her Lisa, who touched the body of a stranger, or maybe worse, of her friend and groupmate. Jealousy must be pervading every inch of her; thinking back to every single moment Lisa and I touched each other being silly, or shared a room on tours.
I don't know how long I look at her profile, half-covered by her sinuous raven hair. When she speaks, an eternity seems to have passed.
"How did it end between you? When? Tell me."
She says out of the blue.
I have a little hesitation; I know I have to tell her everything she wants to know. She deserves it, I have to put aside my pain for now; awkwardly, I clear my throat, and dig out the memory of that day.
"It all ended a few months before the debut."
ROSE' FLASHBACK DURING TRAINEE DAYS
"One last Rosie, please, one last time. I can't stand to leave us like this."
Lisa was tugging at my sweatshirt sleeve. We could've rested, but it was just too hot to sleep.
It was the first summer evening, late in May. Even if hotter and more humid than usual, the window was wide open but there wasn't even a whisper of a breeze to cut through the heavy air.
Lisa and I were leaning against the edge of the window, side by side
"It's better if we don't." I'd whispered in her ear with a hint of a smile. "I can't take it either, and this will only make it harder."
The sun was getting low in the gray sky, but there were still a few hours of light. We had two days off before the rough preparation for our debut in August, Jennie was still with her family, Jisoo was out, probably enjoying something to eat.
Lisa wanted one last kiss, like the first one I had given her and had started it all. One last; one before ending our story.
I was sincerely happy to end my trainee days; no more monthly evaluations, with all those gloomy faces in the rehearsal room watching you eagerly, sitting all-around to gazing at our young bodies.
We could have had a little more freedom, maybe to rest, to go out; but we would have had more serious schedules, harder pressure; and above all, we would have been more controlled, we would have been the center of attention. We were no longer dozens of trainees, we would have been five K-pop Idols; four we would have found out later. Four girls with everyone's eyes on us in a reluctant country.
Crazy for me. I had grown up in the city of rainbow flags hanging outside the skyscrapers, a colorful, dynamic, and vibrant city. The coolest place with boats along the shore, murals for every inch of a wall, stores, and cafes overlooking the beach, and sudden downpours that surprised you at any time. But the most amazing thing was the freedom. I was in the right country to become someone, to reach the glory, and realize my Idol dream; wrong just for the love I wanted.
"Chaeyoung.."
She'd pulled me by the arm toward her, distracting me from the reflective buildings of Seoul.
"Lisa by now the lineup is decided. We are in it! We couldn't be together."
I hadn't waited for her sentence. I wanted to fill that silence, that tension, I wanted to cover with my voice whatever she wanted to tell me. I wanted to show myself strong, brave, I didn't want to look back.
We couldn't be together.
That's what I thought, and I was sure of it. And maybe she meant it too at that moment.
two Korean Idols couldn't have a relationship inside one of the most famous groups.
We couldn't carry with us this relationship, these feelings; indeed...this burden.
I'd glanced up at Lisa and our eyes had met
It would have been impossible to handle it, Lisa. So far, we had hidden it, taking advantage of every little moment, every bit of fanservice. But in the future, they would have found all the ways to divide us. With the paparazzi biting our necks, maybe creating false gossip to convince the public of false relationships.
To claim that Blackpink are all straight.
Maybe the truth is that I was afraid. I was weak, sad, and destroyed.
Would I ever have been able to put up with such things on my skin?
We'd looked at each other for a split second, yet it had felt like an hour.
"Chaeyoung..."
Her beautiful dark hazel eyes were pointing at me, full of expectation; and her lips slightly parted, inviting me.
"I want one last kiss; we couldn't do this anymore."
Lisa knew how her eyes and mouth made my knees shake and my heart race.
"You have one minute to run Rosie."
I felt submissive, unable to react. I'd looked around.
"Time is over." She'd said five seconds later, cheating, gently pushed me against Jennie's bed and sat me down.
She'd taken my face in her hands and leaned down to kiss me.
Our lips had joined in one last sweet kiss.
"Please, Lisa!"
I was trying to resist in every way, turning my face to each side, rebelling against her touch.
"Stop! I don't want to."
Pushing her body away, but she had no intention of releasing me.
I knew I was only going to hurt myself.
My attempt to put a hand between our mouths had failed and that kiss had become more and more passionate and intense; and quickly we were hugging tightly, unable to keep our hands off each other.
"Rosie, half an hour before Jisoo comes back. Let's use it. We won't have any more opportunities to be alone." She'd whispered in my ear, before nibbling on my earlobe.
"We don't have to Lisa; it will only end up being harder!"
But she didn't answer, indeed, her hands had slipped under my T-shirt lifting it.
"Come on Lisa. Stop please."
Fuck!
How could she not understand that this was not the way? Damn, was she using me?
She giggled, trying to nibble on my ear as her hands ran over my skin.
She was the youngest but, in some ways, she was the most resourceful person I knew.
maybe that was why sometimes her role as Maknae would seem a little artificial to me.
I would later realize that maybe Lisa only wanted to give me one last moment, in a sincere way.
At that time I couldn't imagine how painful it could be to lose a love, to pursue your dream; and having to work together.
I had pursued my dream, pushed by my father; realizing it in the best possible way. I no longer had to bother anyone with the piano or guitar at night, indeed, the whole world would listen to my music and voice. But my voice and my music would never be lost, I could sing in a Noraebang, or some corner of Melbourne.
Where would I have found another Lisa?
Suddenly, she'd seemed to understand.
She'd stopped and pulled herself up. And it was both weird and heartbreaking because I had tried in every way to stop her, but the loss of her body's pressure on mine, and her lips, had hurt me physically.
We were simply lying on the bed, side by side; but Lisa had not left contact with my body, holding me in her arms.
After a few glances in the silence, as the room slowly darkened, she'd spoken.
"I thought you'd want one last time."
I would never refuse Lisa. Never.
If only I had imagined that one day Rosé would have stood by and watched the two teddy bears in love, I would have accepted one last time, despite the pain.
The uncertainty had made me lose control, little tears flowed freely from the corners of my eyes.
I was negative and defiant because I wanted to carry on with her, but I knew how YG acted.
Then her phrase.
"We still don't know what the future holds, Rosie."
She'd come up with this, as she wiped me with her thumb.
I never imagined anything that would happen in the future.
At that moment, she gave me a silly hope, and the question had come out with such spontaneity that I hadn't even realized that I'd spoken it myself.
"Do you think we could give it a try?"
Just a string of hopeful voice.
I didn't know what answer I was expecting.
Lisa had looked at me, leaning her face on the bed; with one of her sweetest, most sincere stares, and smiling she'd said:
"Why not Rosie?"
Yeah, why not. Unconsciously I couldn't stop that crying feeling, maybe because deep down I already knew it wouldn't happen.
Just a shy "Okay." Had comes from my lips.
I don't know why I fell in love so hard, some things about us have no explanation. Maybe, because it was my first love, my first time, and that was no small thing. Maybe because Lisa had always been there for me.
And then it all just stopped, and it had turned into a sad love, a consuming experience.
Knowing me I would have spent all the next few years reflecting on sad and over love songs.
Deep down, I just wanted to be the one for you, and I was holding on to the hope you gave me.
On Jennie's bed, I'd sighed slightly, running my fingers through her blonde hair, it seemed to radiate sunlight and was as soft as a kitten's fur.
I will wait for you forever, until we are no longer Blackpink, Lisa. Don't doubt me.
Will you do the same, or will you forget me?
I hope not.
"Lisa. I'm going to miss you so much more than I can tell you."
I'd d said smiling at her, but she hadn't had time to answer me.
Jisoo had slammed the door like a cop yelling. "Heeey! I had the best black noodles of my life!"
"Oh my ..." Lisa had said, jumping on the mattress.
We were both scared, more of her grit than of being found in that hug.
"What is this darkness?! Hey! They were right outside, just around the corner! In a food truck! Can you believe it? One day I want to have my own food truck! Huh, who wants to prove the noodles?"
I'd grabbed my chance.
"Me, Unnie, I would love to taste them."
I'd got up from Jennie's bed, I needed to get away from Lisa because it was only going to get worse.
So grabbing my jacket I'd crossed the door of the room, while Jisoo warned Lisa about a future project.
"Oh! Lisayah. Teddy said you'll have to start preparing a rap cover with Jennie."
END OF ROSE' FLASHBACK
That's how it ended, Jennie. During the trainee days.
"I should have told you right away. I'm sorry Jennie." I whisper breathlessly before a cold silence descends between us.
After a few seconds, her dark eyes stare at me, and I finally hear her words.
"On my dorm bed?"
I hear a flush of resentful anger in her voice. She rolls her eyes and takes a bite of her bottom lip.
I don't know Rosé, was this really necessary?
Then after a while, I hear her voice once again.
"It's okay," she says simply as if we are having a casual conversation.
"No guilt."
That's all she's able to say before she lowers her gaze.
"I'm sorry for hiding it all this time Jennie."
"You could have told me, but you also couldn't."
Her face returns to mine.
"Is past. It's an old thing. Isn't it?" A small, hinted smile makes its way onto her lips.
"These are your things. I'm not upset."
She blinks a couple of times, then she opens her eyes, waiting for my reaction.
"Yeah, that's in the past," I say with a forced smile, not knowing how to continue.
"I was always jealous of you Rosé. I always knew in my heart that your relationship had something special, went beyond a simple friendship. That's why I've always gone crazy in silence. Sometimes on stage during your interactions I would try to turn away, I would force myself to smile, and I guess I'm a pretty good pro now, maybe sometimes I've had a hard time, I've lost control I admit. And sometimes I would just want to scream "whatthehellareyoutwodoingstopitnow!". Behind that fanservice, I felt there was something strange. It wasn't like what Jisoo and I used to do. But I was always afraid to talk to Lisa about it, afraid I'd stir something up."
She pauses a little bit, looking ahead.
"But I'm jealous Rosie, you know... I am quite generous ready to share anything with the people I love, but I was also born jealous.
What can I do?"
Jennie inhales as deeply as she can, and closes her eyes.
She gets out of bed and takes a few hazy steps into the room.
Suddenly turns towards me, squeezing out a tear that runs down her cheek. The sight of that sudden tear destabilizes me, moves me.
I don't know why It sets my chest on fire, bringing to mind a vivid memory on Newark's stage.
---
Of all the tearjerkers songs I was listening to, I had put one of our songs on my heartbreaking mixtape.
We'd closed the concert with it in New Jersey, a hard song for me to sing, it was risky and tricky, because my lines were enough to overwhelm my emotions.
"Even if they say there's no point in regretting
I'll keep thinking of you (I was wrong)
For you, I'm okay with being hurt
'Cause when we were together
I only gave you pain
I can't fall asleep this night under the moonlight
No matter how much I wait, you won't come."
- Hope Not - Blackpink -
We had the usual arrangement the three of us, me next to Lisa; you, Jennie next to me.
I don't know what happened when Jisoo walked away and we stay sitting on the platform.
As soon as Jennie got up I started the usual skit but this time it was different, this time I was singing directly to Lisa; with a strange feeling, a blend of hope, of melancholy, but also of joy to be on that stage, and of brave.
After a little hesitation, awkwardly masked by fanservice, I'd uttered my chorus line directly to her.
"But you, the love you want
You need to meet someone better than me and be happy
But I hope not to the point where you forget me."
I was really afraid of being forgotten by Lisa.
By now she was light years away from me, if it wasn't for the usual story of friendship and the Maknae line, I would have lost her forever.
Those shippers always pushed Jenlisa's ship, Jensila this way, Jenlisa that way.
They never, never, saw my love.
They think Jennie and Lisa have been together for thousands of years.
And where was I? My pain, my sadness?
No one has ever seen me; yeah, except the fans who believe in a current Chaelisa ship. No one ever realized how many sad songs I sang from a point in my life onward.
But it doesn't matter. What do other people know?
Anyway, Jennie had then stoned out her closing line; and when we'd greeted the crowd it was the three of us again, hugging as if nothing happened.
The platform had descended into the understage; and there I'd realized that Jennie must have noticed the slight synergy, even though Lisa had tried to sneak up and avoid me, and I'd sung the last line alone.
There I'd had another confirmation of what Jennie's jealousy meant, when she went straight backstage, ripping the cable of the ear monitors from the transmitter.
She had thrown everything on a sofa before closing herself in the toilet, without saying a word to us.
Even Lisa didn't find the courage to move that time.
The whole thing was short-lived, and she'd justified it with the urgent need to change for her period.
You never put any weight on me, Jennie, never. You've never been pissed off at me, not once. Despite all the times I've played around with your girlfriend.
You could do it, but you always preferred to bang objects, kick things, slamming doors, and sulking; thinking we couldn't see you, lock yourself somewhere and then walk out like nothing was wrong.
This attitude of yours was almost a routine when things with Lisa took a jealous turn.
As painful as it was to see you raging, I damned missed your jealous rush in Macao, when on the ending with Hope Not, you weren't there.
Even though the staff had told me to say you were fine, after your start of an agoraphobic panic attack, I was genuinely worried.
I'd picked up that puppet from the stage and I, Lisa, and Jisoo were all thinking of you.
Jennie, as professional as we have always been, behind the smiles and the perfect performance, I realized there was nothing that could create gaps between us because I would never be the same without you.
Your disappearance on that stage hurt me more than my resignation to losing someone that was no longer mine.
The world can think what it wants, wonder what it wants, invent what it wants about us.
We are not us, without one of us.
As much as it hurts because you made Lisa yours, the affection I feel for you, makes me realize that it's right. I would have released my frustration for Lisa who had somehow deceived and betrayed me, into the future.
Cause she loved you.
It had been very clear once again as the platform came down, and I could feel Lisa getting extremely anxious. She'd even pissed off the staff by jumping dangerously from mid-descent.
I had seen her sprinting in a slalom like one of those slow-motion movies, to run out of the darkness of the understage. She was simply running to find you, Jennie, to see if you were okay, but that impatient, reckless running made it clear how much she loved her.
----
"Now Lisa is completely devoid of feelings for me." I say to Jennie, coming back to the present with thoughts.
She shakes her head and turns her eyes away from mine, wiping away the last tears on her cheeks with her fingers.
"I came along."
With her back to me, I'm afraid she's going to turn around any minute, pissed off and resentful.
Instead, she manages to break out her sweetest smile.
"Rosé, I'm really sorry. I couldn't imagine your relationship. This is Lisa, huh? That's her effect."
"Jennie, she wants you."
"Why didn't you try after your debut? What happened? You were very close, as I recall."
To tell her what happened I bring to mind one of the best days since I have been Blackpink.
ROSE' FLASHBACK (Apr 28, 2017)
It was April, before Jennie and Lisa ended in their whirlwind of love.
A delicious excitement had filled me as Lisa and I walked out of the dorm, running down the stairs in Hajung Dong. It was not yet twelve o'clock and the day was quite warm but the wind was blowing crisply.
We were going out with our all-women team manager, heading to one of Seoul's most beautiful parks, the Haneul Park.
I knew subconsciously that this was one of the few times I could still be a child, carefree and free of the burdens and pressures of being an Idol. The moments of pure, unconscious childishness would be fewer and fewer. I was so happy to be outdoors. Come to think of it we were a bit like prisoners, with our hours of air numbered.
Anyway, none of that mattered on this day as Lisa and I were trying to do a Vlive as the little green bus scrambled us up the hill, headed to the highest part of the area, the Skypark.
"There are a lot of couples" I had said during the twenty-minute drive up.
And Lisa had replied in a totally unexpected way
"We're a couple too. We are on a date"
I was slightly surprised, but I was so happy and thrilled to be outside, breathing fresh air that her line had not lingered too long in my thoughts.
Once at the top, we'd enjoyed the scenery from the panoramic view of Seoul, eastward to the Bukhansan Mountains.
Splotches of color splashed the field; beautiful spring flowers stood and lifted their heads.
I was feeling particularly exuberant that day.
Sitting on the edge of a flower bed, with a gracefully flowered wheelbarrow behind us we'd started a Vlive.
We had a wonderful background of yellow flowers; yellow flowers that would later become, for me and Jennie, a reference to a person.
Lisa had reversed our names, and to my surprise had shown concern with a note of rebuke when the camera had framed my bare legs.
"What's this? Too revealing!"
"What's revealing? What do you mean?"
We were hoping and strolling through the path with no idea where we were going, surrounded by the sweet-smelling grass field. I was so happy, so free, we giggled as Lisa tried to whisper to the stray cats that flooded and keeping watch in the park.
a lot of ideas had started here, like surrounding herself with furry puppies for Lisa, or mine to attach a lock with a great meaning. Yeah.
We'd reached the pretty and mysterious bowl-shaped structure, rising to the sky, the Haneul Park Observatory. Playing models inside it, we'd reached the top, maybe if I had attached the lock to this place, it would have brought me more luck.
In the future, I would decide to attach the red lock Alice found in a market in Melbourne in the Seonyudo Hangang Park.
I'd written an L+R on it, then looking a bit childish, I'd covered it all up with black marker by drawing a heart on it.
In hindsight, the right letter would have been the first letter of my name when I learned how to love myself and be free.
At the top of the observatory, you could see the skyscrapers of Seoul in the distance, silhouetted against the sky and flanking the Hann River. As the scent of wildflowers hovered in the fresh air, Lisa and I had played Jack and Rose on the titanic.
"This is like Titanic! Do that thing!"
Lisa had wrapped her arms around my waist, and a wave had crossed through my stomach.
"Jack we're flying!" I had acted out
I had been caught a little off guard by insecurity, almost unable to react.
the wind rushing against our faces, her body pressed to mine. it only had lasted a few seconds, but it brought me back to that unusual intimacy we once had.
We'd walked down the path, her arm around me, her protective attitude as I tried to keep the camera straight.
I had spread the blanket under the small wooden gazebo, snacking on the usual treats.
"Manager, chocolate please."
I don't know if our managers saw us as little girls to be fed exclusively with snacks.
Surely, we were little girls at that moment, protected by the crisp air under the blanket, Lisa had hugged me with so much feeling leaving me muffled again. I'd managed the situation, but her hugs, that day, did nothing but bring me back to the days before the debut. and when the fans had asked me to speak in Thai, while we were dipping breadsticks in chocolate, I'd shown off my knowledge, it came naturally to me to say:
"Khidt̄hụng na kha – I miss you."
She had been surprised and had joked once again about my cheeks, and my similarity to a chipmunk.
"You're always like a chipmunk to me, Rosie."
"I want to be a Deer!"
Then when the manager Oppa had arrived, we resumed our walk, playing with the soap bubbles that flew in the air and popped; along the sunny paths of that big park where I felt you here again Lisa, I felt you with me again.
Maybe that's why I tried singing Wake Up Alone, a cool song from a recently bought new CD.
Now I got cars, now I got clothes, now I got money
Now I got crowds screamin' my name sayin' they love me
You got real close, say I'm not alone, you understand me
But late at night, when I close my eyes, the quiet scares me
Will you still care in the morning?
When the magic's gone, gone, oh?
And will you be there in the morning?
Do you stay when it all goes?
Or will I wake up alone?
Wake up alone
- Wake up alone - Chainsmokers
After the debut, we'd remained very close, like sisters. Maybe it was the usual fanservice, but my feelings hadn't changed. I always had that hope, even if it seemed we had everything, I was missing something, the Lisa I could love. When we spent a lot of time together in the new dorm and then in the evening, I would stay in my room alone, next to Jisoo's room, I would listen to this song and it was almost a relief to hear her in the morning when she came to wake me up, ranting and pushing me.
"Chaeyoung I'm hungry! What can I eat?!"
I pretended to be annoyed. And tried to ignore her by hiding my smile with my face in the pillow.
"Tell me what I can eat!"
Yeah. I would pretend to be annoyed, but in truth, I was so pleased to see her face around me every morning.
The day was wonderful, I wished it would never end.
The weather was perfect, I don't know how many times I had repeated that I was happy and carefree.
I had my eye on the swings from the distance but someone had already sat down before us.
"Someone is sitting on the swing too, we can't use the swing"
I could hear the chains creaking from here.
It was such a shame; I would have loved to go on the swing. It would have been electrifying to experience the magic of soaring skyward again, with the air against my face and the chill in my gut, I would feel free of so many thoughts for a few minutes.
Maybe another day, maybe in the future I can sway free on a swing hanging from the sky, I would surely look for a special one.
For us. And once found, I would wait for you, Lisa.
Will you come?
Resigned, again with Lisa hugging me, her arm around my body, we had crossed the path back to that spot where the cats' meowing was playing in the background.
Here again, I sensed Lisa very clingy towards me, and I couldn't tell if it was just her usual way of doing things, or if something had reignited between us after months of pressure and work.
After closing the Vlive, we waited for the small open bus that would take us back to the parking lot.
Lisa had taken back the snack with the chocolate and, in an attempt to feed me, one of the breadsticks had fallen into the sand.
"Oh! Nooooo!"
Feeding someone wasn't her thing, she would always drop something.
Without thinking about it, she took the dropped breadstick and drew a sort of face in the sand with it.
"Look Chaeyoung, this is our face today."
"It's a little weird Lisa"
"Come on? You don't like it? It's a happy face like ours!"
Lisa had turned to me; I could see the funny and curious look on her as she did her usual
"Ee – hit! Let's take a picture, this will become our symbol of this day!"
Somehow, in the future Lisa, that had really become our symbol. You were the first to have a chance to bring it up, then maybe I would have a chance too.
Lisa's Photobook / Rosè - Gone
We'd moved down the street, sitting on a bench; standing there alone, while the managers were minding their own business and playing with bubbles.
"Is this a real bus stop Chae?"
"I don't know. The only one that goes by, is the one we have to take to get off."
We were there waiting, a pleasant wait actually; the warmth of the sun and the crisp breeze. It would be the metaphor of my life, an endless wait at that bus stop, waiting for a love that was now gone.
As soon as the little green bus had arrived, we took our seats in the back. Even during the ride down, we'd done a little Vlive.
Lisa was cold, her hand was frozen, so I'd tried to warm it outside the frame of the camera. I used to take care of her in the past, then how you have grown Lisa. In a short time, you turned from the cute and little Maknae; to the strongest among us, independent and introverted.
I had noticed that day how your eyes had lit up and your face had come alive when you thought Jennie was in the live chat.
Here I should have connected a few more points; being clingy even with her in the past days, maybe it already went a bit beyond just fanservice. Every brush of your hands, some glances from Jennie. but I don't blame myself for not realizing it.
You always had that silly attitude in front of the staff and cameras; to get into your character: the cute Maknae Idol, but when you were just among us, you were more charming than silly.
When we arrived at the parking lot, near the convenience store, we'd closed the live show, our management team was getting refreshments a short distance from our table.
I'd carried this growing feeling and desire to talk to Lisa about us, I'd carried it with me all the way to that picnic table. And I was tired of waiting.
So now it was up to me to decide if I wanted to talk about my feelings, and admit that I wanted to try, or pretend that I wasn't thinking about it anymore, and I was fine with the current situation. I had ended up choosing to talk before I thought about it.
"Lisa, do you remember before the debut?"
I must have touched a chord because she'd immediately stopped being silly.
"Yes, I remember our trainee's days. Why?"
Do you remember what we were?
"I thought... well... it doesn't look any different than before...we could ...try again.."
Gently she had lifted one arm to put it over my shoulder and the other to take my hand resting on the table.
She'd turned me around in front of her, and had come very close.
"Lisa, what are you doing?!"
I had let myself be guided like a mindless puppet, inches from her face.
"I would Chaeyoung, I really miss you, I miss us. But I think it's hard to manage, with these..."
She had said pointing with her head at the managers.
How funny, just them, among whom we were sure there was a bisexual. Was the Company really the problem? I would never have known, but I don't blame Lisa for this. Maybe she really didn't know how to do it. Maybe Lisa was also afraid, after all, she was a foreigner, and had often been the victim of uncool acts in here.
But Jennie was definitely the bravest, most resourceful, confident, and sometimes brash one of us. She was the only one who could carry on such a difficult relationship. They would go up against a lot of walls, but together they would make it.
The following silence let me know that we were done with the topic.
I wanted her to be the same as she used to be during those days, but she wasn't anymore.
That day had been beautiful, and I carry it in my heart.
After that outing, Lisa was often paired with Jisoo, and then with Jennie.
We'd found ourselves together again in a hotel room. Our matching pajamas, we had shared the same bed; but Lisa already belonged to Jennie.
A few months had passed; the day Jisoo had found them in bed, was June 21.
That was their anniversary.
Not those dates that fans made up; but what did they know?
Biting my lip, I'd tried not to stare at Lisa in her sleep, but I couldn't help it. She was perfect.
Suddenly something frightening had happened, I had lost control of myself. I had run a hand down her arm and she hadn't moved, she was sleeping in a deep dream.
Then I moved my mouth closer to hers, very carefully, slowly; I was within inches of her.
"What am I doing?" I thought.
I had an urgent need to kiss her.
So I'd brushed my lips against hers. Only lightly. They barely touched.
Fortunately, Lisa had suddenly moaned in her sleep, tossing and turning; stopping me from that thoughtless act I was doing.
I would have the same temptation every time?
END OF ROSE' FLASHBACK
"What? Did you kiss Lisa in your sleep?"
The sudden silence weighs on the room. I hold my breath and focus my attention on my nails.
I wait for an annoyed, angry sentence, more crying; but nothing happened.
Jennie, still standing, looks up at the ceiling and blows out a loud breath.
"Rosé do you still love Lisa?"
The question is simple.
But I take a long way around.
"I thought she loved me, I mean...she was my first..."
Feeling embarrassed, I pause; trying to find the right words.
"But...you see Jennie... I never got a chance to really tell her that I loved her... and it destroyed me because in spite of everything she... I mean..."
She told me she loved me.
That day.
ROSE' FLASHBACK DURING TRAINEE DAYS ( Again! )
"Lisa, do you think Jisoo noticed something?
This thought had been swirling around in my head all morning.
I didn't know if Jisoo had noticed something last night, she hadn't shown up all day. What did she know? I had no idea.
Shoot. It had been an unhealthy idea to make out in the same room!
How could such a thing have come to my mind? We'd to be completely crazy.
"I don't think so Chae, Jisoo is a heavy sleeper."
It was the middle of the night when we returned from the practice room to the dorm. Jisoo dozen off in the bed below mine and Lisa had begun to flood me with messages on the smartphone. Jennie was home that time too.
L: "c'mon Rosie come here!"
L: "Are you coming?"
L: "we wouldn't get many chances, tomorrow Jennie comes back, we can't be two on this bed on top of someone."
L: "Rosie!"
"Chae get your ass up"
L: "She's sleeping!"
I'd stood up to her impositions until the last message.
L: "ok. I'll come"
It was almost 3 a.m. and it was now or never. I'd looked in her direction, taken a deep breath, and let the cool air outside the covers wash away my inhibitions. The shadows of the dark room hitting Jisoo's face, who thankfully seemed to have fallen deeply asleep.
It was hard to tell what I was doing as I walked barefoot across the frozen floor of that room to reach Lisa. That small room filled with memories, mostly sleepless nights spent singing all the songs on the YG playlist; and tragic moments where we were starving.
The foreigners ended up straight in the dorm having no other residence, this wasn't the one where we would sleep later. Here we shared the room and I recall being in that bed next to Lisa's from the very beginning. I think more than once she had noticed my silent cries under the soaked blankets. More than once she'd realized I missed my parents, I needed my family, my ordinary, free life. Many times she would get out of her bed to come and hug me in silence.
Even though we had chosen it, it didn't change our feelings, it didn't erase our melancholy; we were teens, thrown into a world of sacrifice, repetition to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes I think people don't realize what it's like to get to be a Blackpink. Because behind the money, the fame, the success, the good life, there were the sacrifices of four underage girls who left home with ambitions.
Anyway, my ambition at that moment was to reach her warm and inviting bed.
"What are we doing?" I had asked Lisa in a low voice, as I thrust my chest into hers.
She hadn't replied with words, but she'd grabbed my hips and kissed me on the forehead.
With Lisa, I could be myself, discover all those sides of me that I hardly showed with anyone else.
It was the rarest friendship you could find, a treasure of priceless value.
I had to leave it like that. Instead, also that night I'd followed just my feelings.
All that stood between me and her chest was a thin oversized t-shirt. I needed to have skin contact with her, so I had pulled the shirt over my head and removed it trying not to move too much on that high bed.
Unexpectedly she had brought both arms around my back pulling me tightly towards her, and letting me escape a gasp.
Jisoo had suddenly stirred in her sleep, and I'd instinctively grabbed Lisa's hands to pushed her down into the mattress.
I was really scared; what would she think seeing me on top of Lisa like this?
Lisa had immediately taken the opportunity to brush her lips over my neck, making me shiver. I was really starting to lose control because her sexual energy was bursting out of her exponentially.
I don't know what had gone through my mind, but As Lisa ran her hand on my panties, tracing the lining of my underwear along my stomach; I'd decided to slipped my fingers into the waistband of her gym shorts and pulled down. Shivers had run through my entire body.
It had been hard to hold back, but with one of Lisa's hands on my mouth and her biting her lips, not a word had been spoken the entire time. It was just me and her in the dark.
Then I had woken up in the early morning glow, lying on top of Lisa, in her arms. It was quite hot, I was always warm to the touch, we wouldn't even need a blanket. With a quick glance around the room, I had realized that Jisoo was still asleep, and it was my chance to get back into my bed. But when I'd tried to move my body Lisa had stirred in her sleep and held me even tighter.
And here, while my face was sunk into her neck, after a few sleepy moans, her breath in my ear had whispered something I hadn't expected.
"Rosie, I love you..."
My heart had sunk. a jolt throughout my body had nearly taken my breath away.
She'd really said it, I wasn't dreaming. I don't know if she was doing it, but those words had really come out of her mouth during that dawn; then she had fallen asleep again, and I hadn't woken her up.
Jisoo's alarm clock had gone off as soon as I pulled the covers up in my bed.
We had to be ready and snappy, for a new day of choreography, rehearsals, and classes. I had never had a chance to answer her, to reply, to make a question.
END OF ROSE' FLASHBACK
"Sometimes you don't get a second chance to say I love you, you should always take the chance when you can."
I say, staring at her.
Then lose control of my emotions. I try to hold back the tears, but quickly lose the fight and let them fall silent.
"But Jennie, all my love is gone now."
Without a word, she pulls me into a hug and I begin to cry in earnest, melting away.
"Don't," she whispers in my ear as she squeezes me tighter. "Don't cry, Rosie. I didn't know, I know now. Nothing happened." She says, loosening my hair from my ponytail so she can stroke it as it falls free over my shoulders.
"Nothing can divide us. You, me, Lisa, and Jisoo." Gently wiping away my freshly fallen tears.
"I would tell you that in a parallel world I wouldn't want to fall in love with her like that, so that I could see you happy, with the person you loved, without limits. But my love for her also has no limits, and I can't give it away, Rosie." She tells me holding me tightly.
"I may not be able to give you Lisa's love, Rosie. I am not her, and I will never fill that void. but I can fill some of it with all my friendship and loyalty, whenever you need it. Please accept it. There will be hard times ahead, and we need to stick together, now more than ever."
I am overwhelmed and speechless by her wisdom and maturity. Jennie is the mature, wise, sensitive person I want forever by my side.
Until now, I was lying on the ground, without a way out of my stranded feelings but one day I'll stand up, and in my theater, I will act my story, completely free from all feelings, I will reborn like a phoenix. So now, the only thing I want to do is to follow her words.
"Rosé we have to stay close and compact, without regrets or thoughts, the new year is going to be tough." Jennie rubs my back with her hand.
"We have warned the blinks in every way, making them understand that next one it will be a dark year, but however, we continue to be shining pearls for each other."
"We'll be safe under the sea, hidden from prying eyes. In a safe place, where I will be the captain."
Jennie turns to L, who has listening patiently until then.
"L, in the future, your IG profile... the Haunt You profile, will be our safe place. I will post on that profile myself."
"I will go into the profile and post myself, at the same time as I post on the official Blackpink page."
"No matter who will be there. Blinks believe so many fake profiles; they think we have second profiles, and secret profiles with fake photos. If they don't realize that the real Blackpink are on the haunt you profile, patience."
"Blinks are easy to fool, they need guide." Says L.
"They need to know that what we're going to write, our truth, comes out now because of it. there will be times where lies will reign and rule. Where fake gossip will run elusive and deceptive."
"Rosie..."
Jennie looks me in the eye resting her forehead on mine, her warm hands resting around my neck.
"This happens to me all the time, I could never stand to see you or Lisa in a situation like this, I have to handle it but I need all of you to help me. We need the help of all the people who love us. They don't have to believe rumors that talk in circles, that talk about us, about me, as if they knew us, citing personal topics, family, situations.
They should only listen to one voice because no one out there knows who we are. I trust you, L."
She says without looking away from my eyes.
"This is my statement. Nothing that will be going around the internet will be true, outside of ours story. Haunt You. I am not part of any gossip, not of my own accord."
While we are still hugging, the door to the room opens.
"My God Lisa! What happened to you!? You're all sweaty!"
Lisa enters the room looking very upset.
"Why ...why... are you two hugging?"
"Lisa, it's a long story." Says L, handing me a tissue.
"Come here Lisa, we'll talk about it.. we're all sleeping in L's bed tonight."
"What!?" Shouts L, while Lisa takes a seat next to us, too.
"Lisa we have to talk about so many things, let's get comfortable. Now it's time to use our "Fanfiction" to asking for help from our fans and cleaning up many of the lies about us. It's time to say all what we've always wanted to say, and what we can't do openly."