Author's Note: Hello, lovelies! I've seen a lot of comments on this book by ladies who have been told some mean and untrue things because they can't / don't want to have children. If anyone has ever said such things to you, or if you've ever felt such things, whether you've left a comment or not, this story is dedicated to you. You are more than a set of reproductive organs.
You awoke in what appeared to be a hospital room, unable to remember how you had gotten there. Your head ached faintly, and you felt a dull pain in your lower abdomen that got worse when you moved. As you looked around, your gaze found your mother, sitting in a chair next to your bed. When she saw that your eyes were open, she gasped in delight.
"Oh, thank goodness! You're finally awake!" she chimed. "I was so worried when your squad leader told me that you'd been hurt! How are you feeling?"
"I'm okay," you lied, not wanting to worry her further. As you worked your way into a seated position, you continued, "How long was I out?"
Her expression tightened. "About two days, but that was partly because the doctors had to anesthetize you so that they could perform surgery."
"Oh," you murmured. You absently placed a hand over your bandaged abdomen, remembering all the blood you had seen soaking your uniform before you hit your head and blacked out.
It had been your first expedition outside the Walls with the Scout Regiment. You had heard that their missions were dangerous, you had read the death tolls, but...seeing it was entirely different. Real titans were much, much worse than training dummies.
"It's a good thing that Section Commander Smith was there," your mother murmured with a soft smile. "They say he saved your life."
"Oh," you repeated, feeling a twinge of embarrassment along with your gratitude. You really looked up to the charismatic section commander, and thus, you wanted to be seen as useful in his eyes. However, this incident made you feel more like a burden.
Oblivious to your dismay, your mother's smile curled into a conspiratorial smirk. "You know, he's quite handsome, and charming. Perhaps the two of you could –"
She was interrupted by a soft knock on the door. A moment later, a woman dressed in a white lab coat entered the room, clipboard in hand. You assumed that she was the doctor.
"Ah, you're awake," she said with a kind smile. "How are you feeling, Cadet (l/n)?"
"Fine," you lied again.
The woman pulled up a chair on the opposite side of the bed from your mother. "That's good to hear. I'm Doctor Vane, and I was in charge of your surgery. Now that you're awake, I'd like to discuss the results with you."
Your blood ran cold as a million possibilities flooded your mind – and none of them were comforting. What if something was irreparably wrong with you? What if you couldn't fight anymore? What if...?
"Given that you are legally an adult," the doctor continued, interrupting your thoughts, "you can choose whether you would like to hear the results alone. It's up to you."
You understood what she meant – that you no longer had to have your parental guardian with you, that you could tell your mother to leave if you wanted. However, you felt better with her there. "I want my mom to stay," you muttered quietly.
Your mother gave you a small smile, and she held your hand reassuringly.
Doctor Vane nodded. "Very well. In that case, I'll say that you were very lucky, Cadet. Nothing essential was lost, and as long as you rest up properly, you should be able to return to your military duties within a month or two."
Overcome with relief, you released the breath you had been holding. Although you weren't too excited to face a titan again, you still wanted to fight for humanity, for freedom. It was beyond comforting to know that you wouldn't be sidelined before you even had a chance to make a difference.
"However," Doctor Vane continued in a more somber tone, causing you to tense up again, "there is something you should be aware of. While nothing vital to your life was hurt beyond repair, your reproductive organs were too mutilated to salvage. I'm afraid that means you'll never be able to have children."
When she was finished, she stared at you silently, waiting for your response.
"Oh," you breathed, feeling strangely neutral about this new information. You supposed it was sad to lose the potential of ever having children, but then again, that had never really been a goal of yours. Above all, you wanted to fight titans, and since giving birth didn't exactly fit in with that vision, you had always assumed that you wouldn't. Thus, the reality of being rendered infertile didn't bother you.
Misreading your response as shock, Doctor Vane murmured, "I'll give you some time alone. We can discuss your recovery options later."
With that, she stood and left the room.
Once the doctor was gone, your mother sighed heavily. "I'm sorry, sweetheart," she muttered, sadness clear in her tone.
You quickly snapped out of your reverie and turned to face her. "No, Mom, it's okay," you replied, trying to reassure her. "Really. I'm not upset about it."
She blinked, momentarily surprised, before she pursed her lips. "Well, I'm glad you're not upset..." she began delicately. "It's just...well...it's going to be so much harder for you to find a husband now."
Your brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"
Your mother's gaze turned pitying. "Sweetheart, men want women who can bear their children. It's a woman's duty. If you can't do that, you aren't worth much as a wife. No one will ever love you like this."
The following silence was so complete that you could have heard a pin drop. For a long moment, the world seemed frozen. You had stopped breathing, and shocked tears pricked your eyes.
You...couldn't believe what you were hearing.
Again, because of your devotion to fighting titans, marriage had never really been a plan of yours. It would have been nice if you could've made it work, but ultimately, you didn't expect it to happen. You wouldn't have wanted to marry someone, only to leave them alone when you were inevitably killed in action. Yet, your mother's words...the fact that it was your mother saying those things to you...
You aren't worth much...
No one will love you...
Your heart shattered.
"Leave," you whispered, your voice barely audible.
Your mother's brow furrowed. "Oh, sweetheart, don't be like that. I was only –"
"Please go," you insisted, pulling your hand from hers. Even though it caused the pain in your injured abdomen to spike, you brought your knees to your chest and hid your face in them. "I want to be alone."
For a moment, your mother was silent. Then she sighed sadly. "If that's what you want..."
You heard her footsteps shuffling away, followed by the click of the door as it opened and closed.
Only then did you allow the softest of cries to escape your lips. The emptiness where your heart had been grew bigger, and bigger, until it consumed you completely. Your mother had claimed that no one would ever love you, and because someone who genuinely cared about you would never say something so terrible, you felt like she didn't love you either.
You were well and truly alone.
------------------------------------------
As Doctor Vane had promised, you returned to the Scouts after a little over a month of recovery. Determined to never be a burden again, and aided by the experience of a real scouting mission, you threw yourself into your training, and your hard work paid off. Not only did you survive, but by the time a year had passed, you had already been promoted to the rank of lieutenant. Another year, and you were leading a squad of your own. You became one of the elite soldiers that you had initially looked up to.
While you were still a lieutenant, Section Commander Smith brought in three new recruits from the Underground City. Actually, dragged and blackmailed would have been better terms for how he convinced them to join, but everyone looked the other way, for humanity's sake. Unfortunately, two of them didn't survive their first mission. But the third...
To say that he was a natural would have been an understatement. He was more adept with the ODM gear than anyone you had ever seen – which was shocking, considering that he was reportedly self-taught. His hand-to-hand combat skills were second to none, and he was easily victorious even against multiple opponents.
His name was Levi.
The only drawback to this incredible new addition was that his teamwork skills were lacking...or, you know...totally nonexistent...but what could you expect? He had been forced to join the military, his only friends had died horribly in front of him, and almost everyone in the regiment treated him like dirt because of where he came from. You couldn't blame him for being hard to work with.
Seeing Levi – always by himself, always unhappy – reminded you of how you had been after your injury, until your comrades had reached out and become your friends. You didn't wish that crushing loneliness on anyone, and so, you made a conscious effort to be nice to him, going out of your way while simultaneously trying not to seem overbearing.
At first, your efforts were met with scorn from the raven-haired man, but you hadn't expected anything different. You knew it would take time. And sure enough, after about a month, his hostility faded into neutrality. A few more months, and he actually started to warm up to you. And then, miraculously, you were friends.
Over the following years, your feelings of close friendship blossomed into love. The reality of it amazed you for so many reasons – like how your relationship existed in spite of this cruel world, and how this man who was typically so callous and unreadable could be so soft and shy with you. It all seemed like a dream.
However, from the moment Levi confessed that he loved you, a fear began to fester in your heart. Not the fear that one of you would die – although that certainly was a concern – but the fear that your mother's words from so many years ago would prove true. You hadn't told anyone about your inability to bear children, and although you knew you would have to tell Levi eventually, you were scared.
What if he was disappointed?
What if he said you were worthless?
What if he didn't love you anymore?
As your relationship escalated, so too did your fear, until it was overwhelming. You spent your days in simultaneous excitement and dread, because you knew he was going to ask you to marry him. You wanted that future more than anything, but you couldn't stand for it to be dangled in front of you, only to be ripped away once Levi learned the truth.
Ready or not, the moment arrived. Levi's plans had been quite obvious from all the effort he had made, but still, it was sweet. He had brought you to a private spot, surrounded by hundreds of gorgeous flowers in full bloom. He had worn the only suit he owned. He had spent the day treating you like a queen, taking you on a picnic, and trying not to let his nervousness show. But it did, and it was adorable.
The perfection of it all made you want to cry, and that feeling only intensified as your date went on. You wanted this – wanted him – so, so badly. But it was all coming to an end. You would have to tell him. You couldn't promise to marry him without telling him. But then he would leave you. You didn't want him to leave you. You didn't want...
"(F/n)," Levi murmured, getting down on one knee. A blush tinged his cheeks as he pulled the ring from his pocket, his earnest gaze never leaving yours. He looked so nervous, and hopeful...
And you couldn't take it.
"Will you please m-marry m–"
"I can't have children!" you blurted. As tears filled your eyes to the brim, you squeezed them shut, unable to look, unable to bear seeing his tenderness turn to disdain. And you did your best not to cry.
"Wh...what?" he breathed.
You sniffled, but now that you had finally opened the floodgates, everything came tumbling out while your body was wracked with sobs. "On my first m-mission...I was injured...and the doctor s-said...that I can never...give birth...and my m-mother said...that I was worthless if I c-couldn't...and that no one would l-love me...and I'm s-sorry for not t-telling you..."
Levi hissed a curse, and then he must have stood up, because his arms were around you, gently tucking your head into his shoulder. "Your mother was wrong," he murmured. "She should've never said those things to you, because they aren't true. No one who's worth a second look would ever love you less for that. I certainly don't."
Surprised, you stifled your sobs just long enough to peek up at him. "R-r-really?"
"Really," he murmured before pressing a kiss to your forehead. "(F/n), I'm not asking you to marry me because I want you to have my kids. I'm asking because I love you – because you're smart, and tough, and funny, and beautiful. You're my best friend, and the biggest bright spot in this shitty world, and the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with."
He slid one of his arms from around you, only to cup your cheek in his hand, gently brushing away your tears with his thumb. "You understand?" he continued, holding your misty gaze with complete sincerity. "You are more than a set of reproductive organs, (f/n). You're a person. You're you. And I love you with all my heart."
You stared at him for a moment, processing his words. You hadn't thought about it that way, but in hindsight, you should have. It was just so difficult to ignore your mother's voice, to ignore all the insecurities in your head. Yet, here Levi was, putting those lies to rest, helping you realize that your value lay in who you were as a person, that you really were worth more...
With a broken sob, you once again buried your face in his shoulder, your body shaking as you cried all of your fears and insecurities into his shirt. You couldn't believe it. After so long of thinking that he would reject you, he instead showed you more love than you had ever imagined.
Levi held you tightly, his fingers stroking your hair, his voice murmuring sweet nothings into your ear. He didn't complain about you ruining his expensive clothing. He didn't complain about the disgusting mess of tears and snot. His concern, first and foremost, was making sure that you knew what a treasure you were, that you knew how much he loved you.
When your body finally stopped shaking, when your sobs finally quieted, he pulled back just enough to look at you. "Come on," he murmured, his strong arms still enveloping you with their support. "Let's get you cleaned up."
Levi took you back to his bedroom, setting you on the bed with a gentleness near reverence. He disappeared into the bathroom, only to return a moment later with a warm cloth, which he used to carefully wipe your face. You cringed when you saw the black streaks of makeup that bled onto the white fabric. You must have really looked like a mess.
Once you were taken care of, Levi went to his wardrobe and changed out of his soiled shirt. Under different circumstances, you would have melted at the sight of his perfectly toned muscles. However, right now, you were simply too drained to produce anything more than a calm admiration. He really was beautiful...
You quickly glanced at the ground before Levi could catch you staring. "I'm sorry about your clothes," you murmured as he slid the clean shirt over his head.
"Don't be," he replied softly, turning to face you. "It'll wash out."
He crossed the room and sat next to you on the bed. You kept your eyes on the ground, and for a long moment, the two of you were silent. You weren't really sure what to say, in the wake of everything that had happened. It was just too overwhelming. However, one question did manage to find its way into your head...
"So, um," you murmured, biting your lip nervously, "...is the offer still out there?"
Levi knew what you meant. "Of course, it is," he replied softly. You felt his hand gently touch your cheek, tilting your head up to face him. When your eyes met his, he asked, "Will you marry me?"
You swallowed the lump in your throat, and then, in spite of all the fear you had been feeling, you smiled. "Yes."
Levi's lips curled upward to match yours, and the sight warmed your heart. It was so rare, so precious, for him to smile. You were both honored and delighted that he felt safe enough to express his happiness in front of you.
With his free hand, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring – a simple but beautiful band that he had clearly picked with care. "May I?" he asked, blushing faintly.
You nodded, holding out your left hand so that Levi could slide the ring onto your finger. It was a perfect fit, and its style complimented you exquisitely. Your grin broadened as you gazed at it.
After taking a moment to marvel at your new adornment, you returned your attention to Levi. Without needing words, the two of you came together in a soft, tender kiss. Your fingers instinctively found his hair, playing with the back of his undercut while his strong arms wrapped around you in a gentle and secure embrace. He worshiped you with his lips, conveying exactly how much he adored you, and you melted.
This was what love was about – not children, not the act of reproducing. It was two people who found happiness and intimacy with one another. For that, you were more than enough. And you felt so, indescribably grateful to Levi for helping you realize just how worthy of love you were.
"You're the most precious thing in the world, (f/n)," he murmured against your skin. "I hope you know that."
"I do," you replied with a smile, meaning every word. "I'm even precious enough to deserve someone as incredible as you."
Chuckling low in his throat, Levi continued to kiss you, thoroughly and reverently. "I love you, brat," he whispered, a warm caress upon your lips.
The sensation tickled, causing you to hum in delight. "I love you too, Levi."