Zoren Gray C. Montevinski
"I stalked the girl named Kelly. I like her... " ang kapatid ko nang tumawag sa 'kin.
"It's dawn here, Alanis!"
My head fucking hurts.
"She's pretty..." she said, didn't even mind what I just said.
"Seriously? You called me for that?"
"Anyway, my birthday is nearing. I want a car, Kuya! Give me my Porsche —"
I cut the call in an instant. Binagsak ko ang mukha ko sa puting unan at natulog ulit.
Who wouldn't like her, anyway?
"Your dad bought you another car, Gray. He saw the one you're dreaming to have... " si Mommy habang nasa garahe kami. Papunta na ako sa campus.
I stopped while holding the handle of my car's door.
"Mom, I said I wanna work hard and buy it myself."
Nag-iwas ng tingin si Mommy.
"Yes, I know that, Gray... But your Dad wants the best for you... He wants to give you everything. We do... "
"You know what I'm feeling, Mom?"
"Gray... "
"That I'm useless and worthless. I don't wanna be like those typical kids with rich parents who always depend on them. I wanna have things my way... Please..."
I work in my father's company at a young age to gain income and buy my desires. I know I could still not afford to pay for my living, pero kahit mga luho ko lang... gusto kong ako naman ang gumastos. I want to prove to myself that I can do things on my own. I want to prove to people I'm not just living on my parent's roof and being fully sheltered.
People think if you're rich, your life is heaven. Rich or poor, life is still unfair and cruel.
"Dati medyo ayos na kayo, a?" si Ashi habang training.
"Anong ayos?" tanong ko at pumalo. Nagmura si Lance dahil sa malakas kong palo. I smirked and shook my head.
"I mean, close na kayo ni Kesian," he said and received the ball. Bumaling kaagad sa akin. "Dati. Ngayon, napapansin ko, grabe ang lamig!"
Umismid ako at pumalo ulit. Our coach whistled and announced a break. Dumiretso kaagad ako sa bleachers kung nasaan ang duffel bag ko.
"We're not close."
Nagpunas na ako ng mukha ko at tinignan ang notifications ko. Messages from Kesian automatically got my attention. She always messages me, and she never gets tired. I smirked and drank water from my tumbler.
Napansin yata ni Kesian ang panlalamig ko. Naging madalang na rin ang pagbisita niya sa akin sa eskwelahan. So rare that sometimes I was missing her. Damn It.
Who wouldn't get used to it? Kahit sino naman siguro ay masasanay sa ginagawa niya. And every time she ignores me and acts like she doesn't care, I always question myself out of concern!
What the fuck, right? Siya ang baliw sa aming dalawa, at heto ako, nagsisimula na rin...
"She likes you! Babae kami, kaya alam namin!" si Rhione habang nasa poolside kami.
I wasn't talking. Kanina, sa iba lang ang usapan. Ngayon, sa akin na naman. Fuck it. Basta kapag magkakasama kami, lagi na lang nag-uungkatan.
"True! She's just obviously pulling tactics," Maddizon supported and smirked. Uminom siya sa kanyang vodka.
"Tsk, girls are really players!" maarte sambit ni Tiago.
"Coming from you, Kuya?" Ashanti exclaimed.
"And you're turning like me, sistah," si Tiago sa kapatid niya.
"Huwag nga kayong magulo. Sapaw kasi nang sapaw. Si Zoren at Kesian muna!" si Rhione.
"Damn you, Rhi," malamig kong sabi.
"We're just trying to solve your problem! I know you're confused about her actions. Para sa aming babae, normal lang 'yan. We really usually play tricks to get our man's attention."
"So, aminado kang gawain mo?" Mooze fired smoothly at Rhione.
"Kaya nga 'we', 'di ba? Ayan, bobo. Baka gusto mong ipagkalat ko 'yong gusto mong mahinhin?!" si Rhione.
"The fuck..." si Mooze.
Akala ko mawawala na sa akin ang atensyon dahil sa pangungulit nila kay Mooze, pero bumalik pa rin sa kin.
"Anyway, going back to Zoren." Bumaling siya sa akin. "She likes you. Really! Ang tagal na rin niyang naghahabol. Normal lang naman sigurong magpahinga?"
As if I wasn't thinking about that? Pero dinadala pa rin ako ng isip ko sa mga negatibong pananaw. She seems really a player. Aaminin ko na madalas kong maramdaman ang pagse-seryoso niya, pero mayroon pa ring panahon na parang naglalaro lang siya... At madalas ko 'yong nararamdaman.
She's damn confusing!
I walked alone to the bathroom near the poolside. Nasa harap ako ng salamin nang mag-notify na nag add ng IG story si Kesian. I used my second account to stalk her. She was wearing a pair of pajamas while taking a boomerang. She smiled and then stuck her tongue.
I hate myself because whenever she posts pictures of her, I always smile in a nutshell. Damn ass.
"Kuya..."
Halos mapatalon ako at muntik pang mahulog ang cellphone ko sa lavatory. I looked at Zoey. Medyo dumilim pa ang tingin ko sa kanya.
"When will Alanis go home? Kailan siya mag-aaral dito ulit?" si Zoey, kapatid ni Zage. Siya ang pinakabata sa amin.
I sighed after I heard her questions. Zoey and Alanis were really best friends before... I don't know if until now.
"Hindi ko pa alam, Zoey. Maybe if she already feels like going home... As of now, she still doesn't."
I really miss that brat sister of mine. I know she's stubborn at times. She always disobeys my words, always demanding, but honestly, she's so lovely. And she deserves happiness so much. I hope she gets it soon...
I messaged my sister before I went to bed.
To: Alanis
Always take care of yourself. I'm gonna buy you the car you want if you behave well.
Weeks before the inter high, I saw Kesian leaning on her car. Pinagtitinginan ng mga estudyante dahil iba ang uniporme. Umahon siya sa pagkakasandal at nilapitan ako. My friends then started bidding goodbyes and left me with her.
Wrong timing, Kesh.
Dimples is the daughter of my mother's best friend. Matagal ko nang napapansin na gusto nga ako ni Tita Dina para sa kanya, at wala akong pake r'on. She's just too greedy for power and money.
I know she's attractive and hot whenever she's fuming mad, but there's a part of her that you wouldn't like. She throws violence with her tricky tactic.
And it was my fault again because I always pulled the trigger. I know it was all planned. Ilang linggo na siyang hindi dumadalaw sa akin... I don't have any ways to get her to me without it being obvious.
"What the fuck? Lawsuit? She's just seventeen!" pagalit kong sabi at uminom ng tubig.
"I know it's not possible to get her into jail... But there would be institutions that would cater to her attitude. 'Yon ang sabi ni Dina..." si Mommy.
"I wouldn't allow it, Mom!"
"Gray, your tone," ma-awtoridad na sabi ni Daddy habang nanunuod sa amin ni Mommy.
"I will talk to her, damn it!"
I didn't know why my head was so hot at that moment. I just know I don't want her struggling and stressed. I fucking hate it.
"Lawsuit is exaggerated! May video, 'di ba? Si Dimples ang nauna..." si Rhione habang nasa court kami ng subdivision namin. It was a private court for us.
"They were all taken down..." ani ko habang nagsisintas ng sapatos.
"Alam mo, minsan natatakot talaga ako kay Kesian. Masyadong agresibo..." dagdag niya.
""Yon naman ang nagustuhan niya sa kanya," sipol ni Mooze habang nag di-dribble.
I glared at Mooze and he just smirked.
Hindi ako makapag-training ng maayos. I know I have spit out foul words at her. Hindi ako pinapatulog ng konsensya ko. The way her eyes flicker that time... Damn you, Zoren. Just damn you.
It wasn't true that I hated her possessiveness. I love it... But it was true that she was getting out of control. She can fucking get me without being violent and harsh! Damn, all I want is consistency, and I'll do the rest for the both of us.
"Pag-usapan niyo pa siya, expelled kayo," malamig kong anas nang hindi sila nililingon. I was in the library that time. Narinig ko silang pinag-uusapan si Kesian.
I hate it every time she creates issues because she's always the talk of the campus. Ayaw kong pinag-uusapan siya nang masama. I fucking hate it whenever they fabricate fucking fake news just to ruin her name.
Malapit na naman ang inter-high. She wasn't pestering me or something. I know it was my fault. At siguro nga ay napapagod na siya. At sana ang maisip niyang gamot sa kanyang pagod ay pahinga, hindi pagtigil.
I was supposed to be happy when they visited our school for our intramurals, but seeing her so close to Elton made me feel otherwise. Galit na naman ako. Galit na galit sa kanya. I was glaring at her, and she seemed softened. May kung ano sa aking puso na kumikirot.
"Sabihin mo kay Gale tawagin muna si Kesian," utos ni Finn kay Daryl na boyfriend ni Gale, pinsan ni Kesian.
I was ignoring Kate, my new girl. Nakakairita, kanina pa punas nang punas. She's just here for a show, alright?
"Dude, chill ka lang," si Mooze na nang-asar pa bago umalis.
I was calmed after hours. Nakasandal ako sa sasakyan ko kasama ang mga kaibigan at si Kate.
I've never heard her sing, maybe I was just too carried away with her meaniness that I forgot to see her other beauties. O siguro, hindi naman talaga siya madalas na kumanta sa publiko. At ngayong nanonood ako, handa na siyang ipakita ang talento niya sa akin at sa iba.
Can't I just be the one to see it? Alone?
"Crashing, hit a wall right now I need a miracle," her husky voice dominated the whole place.
Malakas ang hiyawan. Damn. It was the first time my chest hurt because of my heart's wild beating. Her voice that's captivating my system, and her eyes that's hooking my soul. Just great.
Damn, I like her. I really like her.
But whenever she fucking makes me feel good, she always do something to get it back brutally. I hate you, baby.
"That's not your business, Thalia," si Mooze sa kanyang kaibigan.
"I'll just show him! Para malaman niya na Kelly is really not serious with him!"
"You don't know much about them..." medyo inis na sabi pa ni Mooze.
Pinakita sa akin ni Thalia ang picture sa IG stories ng ibang pinsan ni Erios. There were so many pictures and videos. Kaya naman pala hindi pumunta sa second day ng intramurals namin...
Mayroon pang video na nakaakbay si Erios sa kanya pero agad niya ring tinanggal, naiinis. Maraming videos, at ang iba roon ay masaya siya. There were lots of boys and I felt enviousness rushed in my veins. Napadiin ang hawak ko sa cellphone niya.
"You look more like a player, Gray! Akala mo naman magandang tignan?" Maddizon said with a bit of disgust. Second day ng intrams at narito sila.
"And so what?" I flicked a brow and touched my new girl's shoulder. She's a cousin of Daryl and just got home from New York.
"Bahala ka kung sumugod na naman si Kesian! Mayroon ka pa ngang responsibilidad sa Mommy ni Dimples!" si Rhione na nakakrus ang mga braso.
Nakaparada ang mga sasakyan namin at nakasandal kami sa mga 'yon. Nasa field kami at katatapos lang mag lunch.
"Who's Kesian?" the girl asked flirtatiously, and I didn't like it.
Hindi ako sumagot.
"Don't ask anymore. You'll meet her later, no doubt." Ngumisi si Maddizon pero sa huli ay umirap din.
I don't think she'll come here. She's having fun with her guy friends anyway. This will be the last time I will use a girl for her attention. I have girl cousins and a sister... Reflecting on my bad habit, I realize using someone for a plan is wrong. Kung gagawin 'yon sa mga pinsan at sa kapatid ko, wala talaga akong sasantuhin.
"Kuya Zoren..." Hinihingal ang babaeng lumapit sa amin. Katatapos lang ng game at pagod na pagod ako. Kaya naman hindi ako umimik.
"Si Ate Kesian po... sinasabunutan ang girlfriend niyo!"
I thought she was bluffing because I have no girlfriend. But when I remembered my fling, I realized who she was pertaining to. Kaibigan ko si Daryl, at nakadagdag 'yon sa inis ko.
Naabutan ko siyang hinihila ang buhok ni Riana. Kesian's long and wavy hair was blocking Riana's half body, so I couldn't see what was actually happening. My emotions piled up, and I lost control of myself. I was too harsh when I pulled her. Napansin ko ang bahagya niyang pagkawala ng balanse. Kesian looked pitiful when I glared at her.
Nasa isip ko pa rin ang mga litrato niya kasama si Erios at ang mga pinsan nito.
"I just saved the boy from her ruthlessness!"
I didn't understand what she said. Ang rumehistro lang sa isip ko... Boy... She saved a boy. And who the fuck is that boy?!
Naaninag ko ang mga nagmamadaling kaibigan niya. Mas lalo dumilim ang mga mata ko nang makita si Erios at ang ilan niya pang kaibigan.
Para akong tinakasan ng kaluluwa ko nang makita ang mga luhang lumalandas sa kanyang pisngi.
Guilt showered me extremely. Sobra ang pagsisisi ko, at gusto kong bawiin lahat. I didn't mean it, damn it! Sobrang bilis ng pintig ng puso ko dahil sa takot. Na baka... huli na 'to.
Tang ina, Zoren.
I tried to hold her. I attempted to pull her close to me just so she wouldn't leave this way. Takot na takot ako noon. I was dumb. I was a shit. Fuck it.
Her friends were trying to pull her out of the circle, but she wasn't moving. Her piercing and pained eyes were attached to me, and they never looked away. It was killing me.
It was fucking true. Her words hit me so much. I always complain. I was never satisfied with her proof that she really liked me. I was a fucking asshole. I was selfish.
"Don't dare pull me back. You already lost me today..."
And those words keep on haunting me. Binagsak ko ang ulo ko sa damuhan habang nasa poolside kami.
"When every time you always have a new fucking set of girls!" That's what she said the past few days.
Mariin akong pumikit dahil sa katangahan ko. Who would stay that long, pursuing someone even though he has lots of girls from time to time? Siya lang. I was too selfish not to realize she was hurting, too. I was too numb not to see she was feeling tired, too.
"I fucking hate myself, damn it!" ungol ko dahil sa prustrasyon. Napahilamos ako sa aking mukha.
"You're an asshole, man!" ang lasing na si Mooze. "Kawawa si Kesian sa'yo! At ngayong nauntog na ang ulo niya, 'di na 'yon babalik! Isa kang tanga!"
"Bobo, bobo, bobo, bobo, bobo," Tiago kept on murmuring in his hoarse and drunk voice.
"Tanga, tanga, tanga, tanga, tanga," paggaya ni Mooze sa kanya.
"What the fuck?" halakhak ni Zage ang narinig ko.
I was stern during training. Now more than ever. Even once, I never glanced at any girl. Dahil noon pa lang, ayaw ko naman talaga sa iba. Ayaw ko na rin manloko at manggamit pa. It's not worth it.
"Kung sumugal ka at umamin noon, hindi ka sana naghihintay ngayon! Sa pag-ibig, bro, kailangan talagang tumaya. Kung bobo ka, talo ka talaga," si Ashi at pumalo.
I just raised my middle finger.
Finn was asked to go to Kesian's campus to let their coach sign the papers. Inako ko para lang makasulyap. She never came back to me since the commotion fired up. I was getting crazier every fucking day that she was not showing up.
Every time our eyes would bore into each other, she would always be the first one to cut the staring. Hindi ko inaalis ang titig ko sa kanya. Damn it, I miss those eyes close to mine. I just missed her so much.
"Make a move, Zoren! Walang mangyayari kung hindi ka gagalaw..." si Zage.
"Malamang, walang mangyayari kung hindi siya gagalaw," ang lasing na si Mooze.
"Totoo, 'tol. Walang mangyayari talaga kapag hindi siya gagalaw," si Tiago na naniningkit na ang mga mata dahil sa antok.
Natatawa na lang sina Ashanti sa kanila.
"Tignan mo si Zeus, walang usad 'yong sa kanya," tawa ni Zage.
"Wala kasing mangyayari kung hindi siya gagalaw," si Mooze at gusto ko na siyang sapakin.
"Totoo, kaya walang nangyari kasi hindi siya gumagalaw..." si Tiago.
I am trying to do a move, pero pinangungunahan ako ng takot ko. I've never done this my entire life! Pero naisip ko, siya nga ilang beses na sumubok... ilang beses ko rin na hindi pinaunlakan.
It's okay if she turns me down. Pwede namang umulit...
Nasa parking lot ako habang nagse-send ng messages sa kanya. Pinsadahan ko ang buhok ko at kinagat ang labi. Hindi ako umalis sa aming conversation. I want to see her right now. Hindi ko na kaya...
Ginulo ko ang buhok ko at pumasok na sa sasakyan ko. Pagpasok ko sa parking lot nila, nakita ko siyang nakasandal sa kanyang sasakyan. She was wearing a jersey and playing with her feet. I stroke my inner cheek with my tongue. Lumabas na ako at lumapit sa kanya.
To be in front of Kesian again makes my heart boom. Parang ayaw ko na lang umalis pa. And the distance wasn't enough. Damn. That was our first closest interaction. Her eyes talking to mine, and her breath brushing mine.
We talked and I got enlightened. She really like me, dahil kung hindi, hindi niya ako tatanggapin nang ganito kadali.
"You like me..."
And I won't confess yet.
"What do I have to do to be forgiven?" I changed the topic.
She pouted, and I wanted to kiss that playful lips of hers.
She came back to her regular routine. I feel like she's mine once again. I never thought apologizing would feel that way. Something in my stomach was flipping at that moment in my life. It was worth it. And I promise I'd never do that ever again. I'd never hurt her again in any possible way. I will try my hardest. Because I have comprehended, to see her hurt kills my sanity.n
Those playful eyes always get me. I know she's not really mean, I just turned her that way. Maybe because I was her greatest desire to have. Tuwing naiisip ko ang bagay na 'yon, hindi ko mapigilang ang sarili kong mapangiti.
Damn, I'm getting creepier and creepier.
"Don't complain anymore, Tita. It's been a while. What happened was already burried," medyo inis kong anas habang nasa dinner kasama ang ilang Escovar. Dimples mother is an Escovar.
Tita Dina chuckled, but it wasn't genuine. I hate her family.
"It doesn't matter if it's been a while, Zoren... I don't care if the issue subsided already... Ang akin, nasaktan ang anak ko."
"But Dimples attacked first. Some students have seen it," I fired and felt my Mom's grip on my wrist. What?
Nakikita ko ang mga malolokong ngisi ng mga pinsan ko na naka pormal na damit. Rhione was even faltering her laugh.
"I will still complain. I have a right since I am a mother. Kung maaari ay ma-suspinde—"
"What should I do for you not to continue complaining?" malamig at diretso kong tanong. I was leaning on my chair, and some people part of the dinner were attentively looking at us.
"Zoren!" Hindi na napigilan ni Mommy ang kanyang sarili.
Tita Dina laughed. "It's fine, it's fine, Renaya... I understand the youth's attitude this generation..." anito sabay baling sa akin. "We can have a decent talk about that, Zoren. For now, let's eat..."
And that night, I was told to accompany them to shop in the mall. Damn trading that is. It's fucking shitty. Who would trade something like that?! Fuck it.
But it was all fine. It was all for Kesian. I know she's busy and studying hard. Hindi ko maatim na ma-suspend siya ng dahil sa akin. I know it was my fucking fault.
It felt good when she was jealous, but something in it made me fucking scared. She knows how to pay back. She ignores me, and I fucking overthink all the time.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm just a thrill for her. A thrill that she will get rid of and dispose of someday. Pero gusto ko kasing magtiwala. Gusto kong sumugal. This gamble, I know, will soon pay off. I just have to wait.
She was on top of me while we we're kissing. Ang bukas kong butones ay mas lalong bumukas dahil sa agresibo niyang kapit doon. Her tongue tastes heaven. Her lips were always an ecstacy. Bawat hagod ng aming mga dila, para akong nag didiliryo. Her on top of me was really tempting, but I know it's still not the proper time.
Damn, I've got plans for our future. She has dreams, and I have, too. We both do, and I won't destroy it just because of temporary pleasure. I can fucking wait.
Buong buhay ko, hindi ko naisip na dadating ako sa punto na malulunod ako sa isang babae. Palagi akong nagseselos dahil sa kanya, at ang hirap kimkimin ang lahat ng 'yon.
I hate that she's close to her guy friends, and at the same time, I am thankful because she's got people that can protect her, although just less than I could.
"I have already put digits on your account. It's your monthly salary..." si Daddy nang mag dinner kami.
I smirked because of excitement. Hindi na ako humihingi ng allowance kina Mommy. All the money I was spending was from my own pocket and hardships. Pero minsan, sila pa rin ang gumagastos sa mga kotse na binibigay sa akin. Nakakapagod na lang magsalita kaya ayos na sa akin...
"Nagpa-personalized ka raw ng pendant?" usisa ni Rhione sa akin.
"How did you know?" taas ang kilay kong tanong.
She chuckled. "My friend owns the jewelry shop... Para kay Kesian?" Mas lalong lumapad ang kadalasan niyang ngisi.
I hissed and ignored her. Why do I have to tell them? And why the fuck do they know everything?!
When I told her I was serious, I was already sure she'd be mine even after death.
"Never remove that at all cost," I said, pertaining to the necklace I put on her neck.
It's a ring pendant. For me, it's not just a simple ring. It's a promise ring for myself. It's a reminder. Na sigurado na akong siya na hanggang dulo. My promise of love forever for her was embedded in that ring.
Siya na. Siya lang.
"Merry Christmas... I miss you now. Ang layo mo kasi..." she said while we were on FaceTime. She was pouting, and I could see longing in her eyes.
The feeling when someone is always eager to see you. The feeling when someone wants to see you all the time. The feeling when someone is always excited about your presence. The feeling when someone loves you so much. She could make me feel all those feelings all at once.
Kahit sa screen lang, ang ganda pa rin.
Never in my entire life have I gotten used to the presence of someone. Noong nasa LA kami para sa bakasyon, uwing-uwi ako. Gusto ko nang umuwi sa kanya. I missed her. I fucking missed her so badly. Her eyes. Her chuckles. Her loud laugh and unstoppable teasing.
I know, I was whipped. I was terribly whipped.
"Are you sure about her?" ang kapatid ko habang pinupunasan ang bago niyang sports car.
"Are you using that for racing?" Nahimigan ko ang galit sa sarili kong tono.
"No! Duh, ganito lang ako but I still value my life! May usapan din kami ni Daddy!" Umirap siya at nagpatuloy sa paglilinis ng kanyang sasakyan.
"What now? Seryoso ka na nga?" she asked again. Akala ko nakalimutan niya na...
"You're too young for this kind of talk, Alanis..."
"I'm just fucking for years younger than you!'
"Language!'"
"Fuck, fucking, fuck it!" pang-iinis niya sa akin. I did not tear my glaring eyes at her. "Just answer, Kuya! Kinakahiya mo ba si Kesian?"
"Hell, no!" agap ko. Mas lalong dumilim ang paningin ko dahil sa tawa nina Ori.
"So, you're really serious? Gusto ko kaya siya, to be honest. Independent? Hindi ko pa kilala... I will visit her when I will study there."
Hindi ko kaagad nakuha ang sinabi niya. My eyebrows shot up when I finally digested it.
Pag-uwi namin, sa bahay kaagad nila ako dumiretso. My heart almost exploded when she ran to hug me. I smiled while she was hugging me. I missed her scent. I missed her touch. I missed her so badly.
Hugging someone you love hits different. The comfort you get. The assurance and all that. Pakiramdam ko, sa akin siya, buong buo. Tang ina, sa akin naman talaga.
"Damn, I missed you so bad," I whispered while panting.
Everything was happening well for both of us. We're happy. We have many family problems, but with her, it's peaceful. Gusto ko palagi siyang nasa tabi ko. What I'd give to have her with me forever. Kung maari lang diktahan ang tadhana, matagal ko nang ginawa. If only I could bribe destiny... I'd spend all my money just for my dream to come true. To be with her 'til death do us part.
I know when she has a problem. Kilalang kilala ko na siya... I know when something is bothering her, when something is wrong. Alam na alam ko... And I wanted to know everything: the details, the reasons, and the outcomes. I wanted to be part of her life...
I was watching her eat ice cream, and I know something is fucking bothering her. Kung hindi ako ang dahilan, sino? Ano? Nakakatakot. Kasi paano kung ako nga ang problema? May nagawa ba akong ayaw niya? Napapagod na ba siya? Nagsasawa? I always think the possibilities. Pero sa tuwing nararamdaman ko ang pagmamahal niya, nabubura lahat ng pag-aalinlangan ko.
"Anong problema niyo ni Kesian? Hindi na pumupunta rito, a?" tanong ni Ashi habang training namin.
I couldn't even participate well in our training. All I always think about is my girl. Kesian. Kesian. Kesian.
Kung may problema, bakit hindi niya masabi sa 'kin? Nandito naman ako. I will understand. I will listen. I will help.
"Siguro pagod lang 'yon sa pag-aaral niya, 'no? Accounting, ang hirap!" si Ashi nang mapansin na masyadong malalim ang iniisip ko.
There were days I considered that. Pero alam kong may malalim siyang problema. It's not just all about academics.
"May nasabi ba sa'yo ang kapatid niya?"
Ni minsan hindi ko pinangarap maging tsismoso...
"Si Kenzie?" tanong nito.
Fuck, sino pa ba?
"Wala naman. Okay naman kami, kaya bakit kayo, hindi? Minsan, masyado lang siyang pagod sa pag-aaral kaya nawawalan ng oras sa akin... Baka gano'n din si Kesian..."
Umiling ako. No. I fucking know my girl.
She was never good in acting. Tuwing kasama niya ako, minsan napapansin ko na pinipilit niya ang kanyang sarili na maging masaya. When I know, deep inside she's broken. Nakakabaliw isipin kung anong naglalakbay sa isip niya. I really want to know so I could do something. So I could lessen what she's going through.
"Zoren! Someone hit Kesian's head!" si Finn at sinundan ko kaagad.
Grabe ang kaba na naramdaman ko nang marinig 'yon. Nanghihina ang mga kalamnan ko... Para akong nawawala sa aking sarili. I abruptly scooped her from Elton's arms. My heart never stopped beating hysterically. Hindi ako kumalma kahit pa nasabi na stable naman siya...
"I want to know who is behind this incident. Lo..." desidido kong sambit.
Kinausap ko si Elton.
"I want to help. I feel that it's Lourane who's behind this incident..."
Kumunot ang noo ko. My hands turned into fists. My heart beats because of rage building inside me.
"She's... jealous of her. May alitan yata ang dalawa..." he concluded, and I nodded.
I always give her time with her friends who pay visits. Sa tuwing tulog siya, mas nararamdaman ko 'yong takot. I'm just so scared to lose her... I should be protecting her. And I failed.
Hinaplos ko ang kanyang kamay.
"Hindi na ulit 'to mangyayari..." I whispered and kissed her hand. Hinalikan ko pa ang kanyang ulo bago ako natulog sa kanyang tabi.
"Hindi ako maglalaro," mungkahi ko kay Ashi habang kausap ko siya sa cellphone. Nasa harap ako ng kwarto ni Kesian.
"'Tol? Paano 'yong championship?" nagdadalawang isip na tanong niya...
Hindi ako umimik. I really don't wanna go. Gusto ko, sa tabi niya lang ako. Kahit nagpakalat na si Dad ng security sa buong hospital, hindi pa rin ako panatag.
"Ikaw na muna ang bahala..." huling sabi ko bago pinatay ang tawag.
Nakausap ko si Kenzie.
"Hindi raw po ipapaalam. Tinanong siya ni Mommy sa akin... Ang sabi ko maayos naman siya sa dorm."
Seryoso akong tumango habang nakapamaywang. Kahit gusto kong sabihin sa mga magulang niya, ayaw ko naman na magalit siya sa akin. Hindi pa namin naayos ang problema namin, at ayaw ko nang dagdagan pa.
She convinced me to play. Hindi ko gusto, pero gusto ko siyang sundin... I don't want to risk her safety, and at the same time, I don't want to make any reason for us to fight again. Hindi ngayong gulong gulo ang isip niya. Hindi ngayong may mali... Baka iwan niya ako. Ayaw ko.
"If I proved you're the person behind this... I'd ruin your life..." banta ko kay Lourane. I pinched the wall beside her. Nakitaan ko siya ng takot.
"Ako ba? Ako nga b-ba?" she said, stammering.
I smirked devilishly. "Make sure. Just make sure... Or else..." Dumiin ang kamao ko sa dingding. She was looking away. Hindi niya matagalan ang nag-aapoy kong titig. Galit na galit ako.
After I spiked, I looked at the way where I heard a car roar. Dumilim ang paningin ko nang bumaba roon si Kesian. She was supposed to be in her room, resting!
She looks different. She wasn't talking to me. She was just staring.
Nagagalit ako sa sarili ko... Nagagalit ako sa kanya. I obeyed her. I listened to what she wanted. Why was it so hard to listen to my words? When all she had to do was stay in the goddamn room?!
"Call a doctor, Mooze!" utos ko sa pakialamerong pinsan ko. Nakita ko naman na ginawa niya kaagad.
Ibang iba ang paraan ng paglalaro niya. It wasn't even amusing! Parang wala siya sa kanyang sarili. She shouts at her friends, but so silent at me.
Habang naglalaro sila, lumapit sa akin si Ashi na hawak ang kanyang cellphone. Pinakita niya 'yon sa akin.
"Kenzie sent it to me..." anito at mas lalong lumalim ang galit na naipon sa kaibuturan ko. I kicked one bench.
Those were hard copies of pictures when I was confronting Lourane. It seemed like we were kissing on those angles. I concluded that maybe that was the reason she was acting this way.
Gusto kong sumigaw. Sobrang lalim ng bawat paghinga ko. We're good, but I know something is wrong! And now that another issue was fired away, I don't know anymore. Alam kong gulong-gulo na ang isip niya... I don't even know what's running in her head!
"What the fuck is going on?"
Hindi ko siya pinapakawalan.
"You don't have to know," malamig ang kanyang boses
.
Fuck, ayaw ko ng ganito...
"I know something is wrong. If you are concluding that I have something for Lourane, I am telling you, you are mistaken..."
Hinila ako ni Mooze. Buong pwersa ko siyang tinulak at napaatras 'to. He clenched his jaw but didn't do anything. Umiling iling lang ito.
Another set was done.
"Baby, what's wrong? We're good, right? We were cool before I left you in your room..."
I could still remember her smile. It was my hope... Galit lang siya. Galit lang siya ngayon. Pilit kong pinapanatag ang sarili ko.
The game ended. They won. Nang makita kong tinulak ni Lourane si Kesian, my wrath for her renewed and became more intense. Tinulak ko siya nang binalak niyang itulak ulit si Kesian.
I was about to push her again and drag her but I saw Kesian running towards her car. Tinakbo ko ang aming distansya. I scooped her in my arms when she's about to enter her car. Nagpumiglas siya pero hinigpitan ko ang hawak kahit nasasaktan na ako.
"Zoren, let me go!" sigaw niya, basag ang boses.
"We have to talk."
Dumiin ang yakap ko sa kanya.
"I will talk to you tomorrow. Kung hindi mo ako bibitawan ngayon, kalimutan mo na lang na nakilala mo ako..."
I never expected that to come. Parang huminto ang mundo ko... How can she say all of those? We were fucking alright! Anong problema? Tang ina, ako ba?! Gulong-gulo na rin ako. Pagod na rin ako, pero mas pipiliin kong mapagod na kasama siya.
Hinayaan ko siyang umalis. Natakot ako. Natakot ako na baka nga... kaya niyang gawin ang banta niya. It sounded like she's ready to fucking let me go... and forget me.
Ginulo ko ang buhok ko at pumunta sa opisina ni Lolo. I told him what I want to happen. I want his men to find Lourane.
"Ako na ang bahala sa Lourane, apo.." si Lolo.
"Wala sa bahay nila... Walang tao roon..." si Tiago.
Hindi sumasagot ang mga magulang nila.
"Zoren... Your birthday..." paalala ni Mommy sa akin habang nasa veranda ako ay abala sa aking cellphone. I never stopped calling her. Padala ako nang padala ng mensahe pero walang bumabalik sa akin.
"Mom, forget it! How can I celebrate it when we're like this! When she's like this..."
Tumango si Mommy. "Just... Just tell me if you need something. We're here, alright? Tell us what you want, Gray."
Siya lang ang gusto ko. Ang tangi ko lang hiling ngayon, maging maayos kami. I don't need grand parties and sports cars. I don't need expensive gifts. Siya lang ngayon... Please.
I was happy and nervous when she said we'll meet up. Gusto ko siyang sunduin para sa akin siya umuwi... Para hindi siya makatakas... Pero hindi nangyari. I feel like she's planning to pull something.
"Hi," she greeted and my heart broke. She looks so fragile. Malayong malayo sa Kesian na pala-away... Sa Kesian na maloko... Sa Kesian na mahal na mahal ako...
And that's it...
"We have to stop this, Zoren."
Hindi ko inasahan na ganito matatapos. Hindi ko matanggap.
"Ayaw ko na. Can we stop this in the meantime?"
Ayaw niya na, dahil ano? And stop? In the meantime? Pwede namang hindi tumigil. Pwede namang magpahinga lang...
Maybe she's just tired of all. Maybe she's just mad and jealous.
I tried to hold her hand, but she refused. Every time she steps back, my hope falls with her precious tears. Kesian crying is my weakness. Nasasaktan ako sa mga sinasabi niya, at sa nakikita ko.
Were those tears meant for me? Pagod na talaga siya? Suko na kaagad.
"Please? Pagod na ako. Ayaw ko na. I was wrong about my feelings..."
She was wrong... about what? What? Parang nabingi yata ako. Was she even telling the truth? Truth or not, it hurt so much. She was heartless.
"If you did not play me, what was it, then? Fuck it felt true..."
Alam kong totoo, pero gulong gulo na ako. She loves me, but why it has to be this hard? Why she has to say all those? Laro nga lang ba talaga? O siguro, hindi ako sapat para sa kanya... Kulang siguro ako... Nagkulang. Saan?
Naka-ilang shot na ako, pero pakiramdam ko hindi pa rin ako lasing. My cousins weren't even getting drunk with me. What? Babantayan lang nila ako?
Tumayo ako at kinuha ang susi ko. Nakasunod sila sa akin. They were trying to get my key but I did not let them. Lasing ako, pero alam ko ang gusto kong mangyari.
"I just want to tell her how much I love her, okay?! Pagkatapos no'n, babalik 'yon sa akin..."
"Zoren, shut up! Open the door! We will fucking call the police if you won't—"
I roared my car. Nakasunod kaagad sa akin ang mga kotse ng pinsan ko. Tiago and Mooze's car. Ang iba yata ay nasa loob na no'n.
Mabilis ang pagpapatakbo ko papuntang subdivision nila. The guard knows my car, kaya naman pinapapak kaagad ako. Hindi ko na alam kung paano nakapasok ang mga kaibigan ko...
Lumabas ako ng sasakyan, bahagya pang mahulog dahil sa hilo. I shouted. Wala na akong pakialam. Lumabas lang siya... Lumabas lang siya alam kong babalik siya sa akin..
I knew it was too late to confess, but it's now or never. Nagbabakasakali ako na... baka pwede pa? Baka maisalba pa...
"Come back to me, please?"
It's so fucking unfair. I planned my birthday with her. I planned my birthday for her! Gusto ko, sa birthday ko, magiging kami... Kasi 'yon ang gusto niya. Gusto kong umamin sa birthday ko, dahil matagal niya nang hiling 'yon. My birthday was for her... pero ganito.
"Baka walang tao?" I heard from Ashanti.
I was supposed to get her yes, but she broke me instead. She broke me on the day I was supposed to be the happiest with her.
She didn't open her door even once again. I thought she loved me enough to accept me again, but maybe I was wrong. Or perhaps I just couldn't accept that she was wrong about her feelings for me. That maybe... She really doesn't love me at all.
Mahirap tanggapin, kasi naramdaman kong totoo...