I hastily walked through the halls of the school. It was last period and everyone was just about to leave. I wanted to get out of here before the storm. I locked up my classroom and ran.
I tried not to stomp with my thick boots but I did, like a child.
Felt thick New York air hit me as I charged through it. The train station. My hands were shaking so much that I could barely unzip my pocket to get my metrocard out. I felt like a pussy. I didn't think it was possible to get like this again.
The uptown came. I didn't sit. Sitting breeds thinking. I stood in a rather complicated position which made me focus on staying balanced than anything. When I got this job I loved how close it was to my apartment, now I'm dreading it. Got off on 116th. I moved out. Still with Des. It's hard to find a good roommate, might as well stay with her. In fact it was her who called me.
And she never calls me at work.
I thought our place caught on fire or the super found another reason to fine us.
1 more block.
I clenched my handbag. She called to say that I had a message on the machine for me. Ok, and? I was confused. Spit it out Des, I told her. She said it was from him, Cillian.
Fucking Cillian.
She gave me time to react. But I simply didn't.
Fuck
She began to tell me what he said but I stopped her. I felt sick then and I felt sick now. It was a name I chose to avoid. Every now and then, I'd get a Christmas card that got swiftly intercepted by Des and tossed. But he never called. He was more of a pussy than I was.
I ran up the stairs and unlocked the door. I ran straight to machine and pressed play. I skipped to the last of our 4 messages.
Ahem.
That's all I heard for the first few seconds. I would have hung up by now.
"Hi! Uh, hi. It's me, Cillian. You were the maid of honor at my wedding. Ha, yeah."
This is so awkward.
"Well, I Uh, well. I'm moving back to the States, temporarily. I got a fellowship at Columbia, so i'll be there for a year. But, uh, I would love to swing by and catch up while we're there."
He paused.
"I miss you Lu-"
"End of messages," the automated machine interjected.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Des peered from the corner, concerned. Despite my internal breakdown, I was cool out the exterior.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah", I whispered.
"Are you gonna call him back?"
I gulped, "no."
She nodded her head and came beside me. As dramatic as it was, my chest was hurting.
When I left Ireland, I thought that it was the end. That I wouldn't think about him anymore. But that wasn't the case. I missed him. I craved him. I did all the things I didn't want to do. I regressed into old patterns. I started smoking again. I quit but I could really go for a cigarette right now. I should smoke some weed to balance out. But it's been years since.
At this point, Angela and Cillian were names that I eliminated from my memory. And my life continued.
But I feel like all that progress is halting. Stop being so pessimistic. I can't. I'm too old to get this caught up on a guy. A guy I haven't seen in what, 5 years?
"I'll delete the message."
"No," I said grabbing her hand.
"It's okay if you want to call him," she assured.
"No, no," I mumbled.
I cleared my throat. "I'll do it later."
She mouthed okay and left the room.
Ireland is 5 hours ahead. It's 2 now. Would he be home? He's probably out. If he's home then Angela would be too. I wonder if she has an accent. She's be the type to come back with a faux accent. I think I saw that on an episode of Friends. Funny how she didn't call me. I was her maid of honor then I never heard from her except through those Christmas cards. Whatever. The only good of this all was that ties were severed with her. I don't regret that. Although I feel like I'm less stylish without her.
And I dress like I'm in Buffy the Vampire Slayer still. Actually, I don't mind.
I shut my door. I should wait a bit. Relax. Wait. I ran to the kitchen and looked through the cupboard. I grabbed the cheap bottle of wine I picked up last night and a corkscrew. Liquid courage. That's all I need with him.
Thank god it's Friday. I have too much grading for this. Well fuck it. I popped the bottle open and drank straight out of it. How trashy. I kicked my skirt off until I was left in my sweater and stockings. Even more trashy. I drank more. Getting this drunk alone is extremely lame.
I feel like I'm 22 again. Now I'm a whole adult. I don't know how I do it. Ugh. Drinking triggers existential crises. I heated up my Szechuan leftovers and watched whatever game shows were on. I should invest in cable.
I shouldn't call now. I should grade. That's the last thing I want to do, actually. Guitar! I strapped a capo on and started strumming the intro to Out There by Dinosaur Jr. I'm so bad. I settled for some simple Nirvana riffs until the Szechuan put me to sleep.
Shit. I shot up out of bed stabbing myself with the neck of my guitar. It's dark out. Fuck. I scrambled to find my watch which fell underneath my bed.
It's 8. How did I fuck up this bad?
I can call tomorrow.
And let the nerves eat up at me for another day? Nope.
I felt gross. Let me treat this post drinking fog with my wine. It's 1 over there. Let me try.
I took my book out with his number. I slowly typed the digits. I'm gonna get charged so much for this call.
It's ringing. My heart is pounding out of my chest.
It's been about 5 seconds. I would have hung up by now.
"Hello?"
I froze.
"Hello?" He said in a singsong voice.
"Hi," my voice croaked.
"Hi, who's calling?"
He didn't recognize my voice.
"It's Lucia. You called here earlier." I said a bit more confidently. I cleared my throat.
"Lucia..."
"Yeah... it's me."
"It's so nice to hear your voice."
"Yours too."
I heard a chuckle faintly under his breath.
"How have you been?"
"Just teaching. I'm a teacher now. I teach history to high school juniors."
"Ah you were good at that."
"So were you Mr. fellowship-at-Columbia."
He laughed. "Well I try not to brag but I'm grateful." He took a deep breath, "I'm grateful to come back to New York, a lot here."
"Are you guys gonna rent a place or something."
"Oh! No, no. Um, it's just me."
"Oh!" Shit
"Yeah..."
Oh. Shit.
"Angela just got a new job in a lab and she can't take that type of time off, I don't think anyone could really."
Makes sense.
"Yes that's a lot, wow."
"So I'm going to be renting somewhere. Rent seemed to increase downtown so I might look at Brooklyn or Queens."
"Hell even Angela's folks."
"Oh god no."
We laughed.
"But I'd love to catch up with you! I miss you a lot."
"I miss you too."
"It's nice to hear your voice."
"You already said that."
"I'm saying it again," he whispered.
"What time is it over there?"
"1."
"And you picked up?"
"I was hoping it was you."
I'd be lying if I said I didn't have butterflies now. At my age. I smirked but he couldn't tell. Negativity crept up on me. Before I could think I blurted it out.
"Where's Angela?"
The giggling stopped. It was silent now.
"She's sleeping."
I didn't respond. Why did I ask that?
"I should let you go," I started to say.
"No! No, don't hang up." He whisper screamed.
"Lucia. I'm coming down there in a week. Don't disappear."
"I won't," I croaked again.
"I want to touch you again."
I slammed the phone into the base. What the fuck.