CW: Mention of depression and self harm
5th October 1995
Tonks didn't know what to tell Charlie. How could she explain? She's been thinking about someone way too much. It wasn't her fault. Remus had a mysterious and interesting past. His werewolf condition. He was funny, sarcastic and chaotic when he needed and other times calmed, serious and rather sad.
Besides, Remus and Tonks had become very close friends. They teased each other. They laughed on meetings and they talked about silly things when they got the chance.
"Dora!" Remus had said after one of their afternoon meetings. Remus and Tonks usually stayed for dinner.
"Lupin!" Tonks answered in the same tone.
"It's too late sweetheart. Your parents are going to start wondering were you are"
This was another thing of theirs. Remus claimed Tonks was too young. And she claimed he was too old.
"I don't know. They might be wondering the same thing on the nursing home"
Sirius laughed hard. He was drinking again. He did that mostly every day. Tonks smiled and Remus rolled his eyes.
"What side are you on Pads?" Remus asked him.
"She is right Moony" Sirius said sipping his drink. "Look at your gray hair"
"Shut up!" Remus said trying not to smile.
"Yep" Tonks agreed. Indeed Remus had grey hair. But it was cute.
"All I'm saying is that you are slow, you get scared by loud noises.... "
"You're older than me, you wanker!"
"Not in spirit"
Remus smiled giving Sirius his middle finger. Sirius blow him as kiss. Tonks had to look away. It seemed so private.
"This is your fault Dora!" Remus said pointing at her.
"What did I do?" Tonks smiled innocently.
Remus gently pushed her with his hip.
"Little brat" he said
"Old bogger!"
"Alright everyone, dinner is almost ready" Molly said coming in with a big smile on her face "It would be just us and Kingsley I'm afraid. Arthur is busy at work and my sons seem they had forgotten about me..." she sighed "SIRIUS!" she said when she saw him "BLOODY HELL. STOP WITH THAT AWFUL HABBIT!"
Molly took his drink and threw it in the sink.
"Molly!" Sirius protested
"Drinking is bad Sirius" Remus said
"You use to be fun Moony!" Sirius stood up and left like a little kid.
Remus rolled his eyes.
"Anyway Tonks darling" Molly continued "Help me set the table"
"What about them?" Tonks protested pointing to Remus.
"I can help" Remus suggested
"Nonsense. Tonks and I will manage" Molly said "Why don't you go and check if Sirius found another bottle?"
Honestly. This woman stood by gender norms. She always asked women to help her. But men got out easily. Remus left the kitchen raising his shoulders and smiling. Fucking wanker. Tonks put out her tongue.
* * *
9th October 1995
Remus had very different swings of mood. As he had moments of happiness when he would mock Tonks and laugh with her, Remus also had bad days. It had been the full moon the night before. Tonks knew Remus was locked in the basement for his transformations. Padfoot accompanied him. But Tonks noticed Remus was rather sad.
"Wotcher Remus!" Tonks collapsed into the seat next to him. He looked pale and tired. Much older.
"Hi" he faked a smile.
Remus was avoiding her gaze.
It was a quiet afternoon. There was no Order Meeting. But Tonks liked spending time at Grimmaund Place these days. Maybe a little too much. When they didn't have meetings, the house was practically empty. Only Sirius was there. Remus kept him company. Sirius detested to be alone.
"Are you okay?" It was silly to ask but she didn't know what to say
"My head hurts" he answered
"Bad full moon?"
Before he can respond, Remus flinched with a sound they both heard. It was a record player being set. Loud music started playing from the other room. Tonks didn't recognize the song.
"Bloody hell!" Remus said annoyed "Sirius!" he didn't respond "Sirius!!"
Remus went to the room were Sirius was. Tonks unconsciously followed him.
Sirius was dancing and moving his head to the rithm of the music. 70's rock.
"SIRIUS!" Remus yelled over the music. He didn't answer. "FUCKING TURN THAT OFF!"
Sirius kept balancing to the music. Remus looked furious. He took out his wand and turn the music off with a spell.
"I was listening to that!" Sirius protested.
"I TOLD YOU TO TURN THE MUSIC DOWN! MY HEAD HURTS!"
Sirius looked hurt. "I was trying to cheer you up. You used to love to listen to T. Rex after the full moon"
"YOU DON'T GET IT? I SAID MY HEAD FUCKING HURTS!"
Finally Sirius looked towards Tonks.
"Pinky One!" he smiled. Tonks jumped. "What do you think? Fancy a dance?"
"Amm" she knew he was saying that to piss Remus. It worked.
"YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE SIRIUS!"
"OH YEAH? YOU'RE NOT BETTER. JUST A WANKER. DON'T RUIN EVERYONE'S GOOD MOOD JUST FOR..."
"MY LYCANTROPY?" Remus asked "HONESTLY FUCK YOU!"
Remus stormed out of there.
"Fine! Go!" Sirius said after him. He took a little bottle and drank from it. Tonks was looking at him, she didn't realize it until he caught her and smiled.
"Sorry Pinky One" he murmured.
"I... It's okay!" Tonks said nervously "I should..." she turned around to hit a couch "Shit. I should probably go.."
Sirius smiled politely but rather sad. And Tonks stormed out of there.
* * *
31st October 1995
Remus humor improved over the next few weeks. Remus and Sirius were cuddly and sweetly annoying. The next Order Meeting was scheduled for the first days of November.
The stacks of Grimmaund Place quickly ran out. Molly entrusted Remus and Tonks to do the grocery. They spent at Diagon Alley the whole morning. Remus had apologized for the other day. And they were their usually friendly selves. Remus took on his hands everything that Tonks finds interesting or delicious.
"Too many sweets for a child like you!" He said as he took the sack of lollies she wanted.
Then Tonks had found a bottle of Fireweiskey.
"No way, you're not drinking!" He took it away.
Then she took a box of chocolate
"Uuuh that's mine!"
"Oi! Lupin! Give it back!"
"Nah!"
"Remus!"
"Dora!"
Tonks tried to chase him. She took the chocolate and ran away. Remus chased after her.
"Oi! Come back!"
"No!! Aaaah! No!" Tonks was laughing too hard.
Remus finally caught her.
They were both laughing. Tonks found herself staring at Remus. And shook her head when she realized this.
* * *
When they finally got back to Grimmaund Place, Molly had left a note:
"Thank you darlings. Had to help Arthur with something"
Tonks sighed. "We have to store everything" she moaned "Convinient 'having to help Arthur'"
Remus laughed at that.
"SIRIUS?" he yelled. Nobody answered. "Where is he?"
Remus asked Kreacher who was coming to help.
"Filthy half breed..." The elf murmured.
"Where is he?" Remus asked louder.
"Upstairs..."
Remus ran upstairs. Very worried. Tonks followed him. Partly because she didn't want to be left alone with Kreacher but mainly because she was curious.
When they reached Sirius bedroom, the man wasn't there.
"Sirius?"
"Moony?" A little howl came from the bathroom.
When they got to the bathroom, they saw Sirius almost blue. Shivering and pale. He had an empty bottle in hand. Tonks looked away. Sirius looked miserable and he was naked.
"SIRIUS! FUCK!"
Remus got him out of the bathtub.
"Tonks! The towel!"
It took seconds for Tonks to move. Remus never called her Tonks. She passed him the towel. Remus wrapped Sirius in the towel.
"Oh no... Baby... It's okay... I'm here. It's okay" he murmured as he did so.
"Moony..." Sirius murmured
He casted some heating spells to warm him up. Tonks was static.
"What did you do that?" Tonks heard the panic in Remus' voice.
"Fourteen years" Sirius said as weak as he looked " It's fourteen years today"
"What?"
"J-ja-ames" Sirius trembled "J-ja-ames and Li-ily"
"Oh Pads" Remus closed his eyes in pain.
Tonks heart sunk. Tears were threatening to scape.
"Dora" Remus said finally looking at her "Could you prepare some hot tea while I help him dress?"
Tonks couldn't speak. She managed to nod.
As Tonks walked away, she could hear Remus' voice breaking.
"Oh Pads. Don't you ever do this again. I love you. I love you so much"
It was then that Tonks knew that she wanted to be held by someone. That she needed someone to take care of her like that. Someone to have a special connection with. Like her parents. And the wicked thing was that she wanted that person to be Remus.
* * *
"Dear Charlie,
I think I am fucked up. I have a crush on someone. And I don't think he could ever like me back. Details on the next letter. I am too overwhelmed to write.
Tonks"