The ride back to headquarters was suffocating.
With brows pulled together in a deep frown, Isanna made sure to stick her eyes at the window of the carriage, arms crossed in front of her chest as the blurry scenery of houses and civilians on the street whizzed by her view; she wasn't looking at anything in particular, she just didn't want to acknowledge the presence of the man sitting across her, who also happened to be fixing his attention through the window on the other side.
Neither side made an effort to break the silence.
The carriage finally stopped and they were outside the headquarters of the Survey Corps.
When Isanna heard shuffling movements and the creak of the carriage being pushed open, she clicked her tongue in annoyance before she followed her superior out of the ride.
As the soles of her boots crunched the bricked pavement below her, the raven watched with an unchanging frown as Erwin walked away without even a word nor a glance, heading directly to the main buildings of their barracks as soldiers in the yard paused to salute him.
What the fuck is his problem?
Cursing, Isanna shut the carriage door behind her in a loud bang, startling the coachman as he craned his neck to his side to see the girl with her head down and balled fists tightly clenched beside her.
Isanna heard the soft trotting of horse hooves as the rattle of carriage movements told her that their ride had frisked away, and she was still left standing outside the gates of their main headquarters.
She shut her eyes and told herself to breathe in calmly, easing the bubbling anger inside her that had been slowly forming ever since the meeting with the council and military personnel ended a while ago. Isanna tried to think up possible reasons why Erwin was suddenly acting the way he was and what happened to him during the short busy time they had not seen each other, but nothing. Nothing came to mind.
Is he serious? Isanna's mind went back to the conclusion of the meeting. Erwin had agreed to lead the Scouts and Wall Maria refugees into a mission to recapture Wall Maria in three months time.
The idea was preposterous; even well-trained military soldiers for three years still managed to land themselves inside titan stomachs—how much more untrained civilians? Everything about this was so messed up, and Isanna knew that not only Erwin but everyone back at the meeting was aware of the absurdity of this mission.
'Mission' my ass. Isanna scoffed, ordering her legs to finally move as she made her way inside the campus, ignoring the salutes of the soldiers she passed by. Those bastards just want to save their own asses.
The raven woman thought about all the poor civilians who were about to march to their deaths three months from now, leaving their children behind with no one to take care of them. All because of those bastards' selfishness.
She stomped her way inside the main building with a certain destination in her mind, fists still tightly clenched by her side as heavy footsteps bounced against the walls of the corridors, the sharp glare in her eyes becoming more and more furious as she neared her Commander's office.
Without knocking, Isanna pushed the doors open with a deafening bang as it hit the wall and bounced back from the impact.
There were two people inside: Erwin was seated behind his desk per usual, and Mike seemed to be in the middle of giving him a report. Both men paused their conversation as their heads turned to the fuming woman by the doorway. Mike arched a confused brow at the ruckus, while Erwin steadied his unbothered gaze at her, as if he was expecting such a reaction.
Isanna marched inside the office after closing the door behind her with another loud force, crossing the distance in long strides and stopping just a few steps in front of the desk. She glared at Erwin, ignoring the fact that there was another person in the room.
"What the fuck was that for?"
Her seething voice was enough for the gears in Mike's mind to begin clicking in place as he tried piecing the information from the scene suddenly unfolding before him. He took a step at the side to let his two friends talk, albeit he was wondering what happened.
Mike looked at Isanna, taking note of the way the balled fists at her side shook in fury while narrow slits were shooting daggers, before moving his eyes to the Commander; unlike her, Erwin was calm, keeping a straight face.
"It had to be done," Erwin finally answered what felt like a suffocating, eternal silence.
Mike wondered what exactly had to be done, but opted to keep his mouth shut as he felt the tension rise higher, his eyes shifting back and forth between the Sergeant Major and Commander.
He had never seen Isanna this livid at Erwin before.
The girl scoffed, aggressively rolling her eyes before she returned her sharp look at him. "You mean to tell me killing harmless civilians is something that has to be done? Are you fucking kidding me? You expect me to nod my head like an obedient, submissive bitch and do whatever those council pigs tell me to do?"
Mike subtly flinched at her choice of words and volume that was rising higher and higher, the anger fused in her tone becoming more evident.
Unfazed at her furor, Erwin merely stared at her as he replied, "Yes."
It took Isanna a moment to process his short, impassive response, her furious expression faltering at how indifferent he sounded. Like he didn't care. Not one ounce of sympathy for the refugees.
That pissed her off beyond words.
"For fuck's sake, Erwin!" She no longer cared if she was yelling at this point; there was no way she was backing down from this argument. Even if the person in front of her was no other than her best friend. "Do you even hear the bullshit you're spouting right now?!" She gestured with her hand. "Those people you're ordering to their deaths—those are the very same people you told me to prioritize when Wall Maria fell! We're supposed to be protecting them, not marching them to the titans!"
Erwin was silent as he allowed her to vent out.
"What's gotten into you?" She brought her arm back to her side, her furious tone now mixed with frustration at him. There was a brief pause from her outburst as a thought crossed her mind. "Is this because of your dream? Is that it? You're sacrificing innocent helpless people for your dream?"
Her last statement caused Erwin's eye to subtly twitch, but his face remained unmoving through it all. "Be rational, Isanna. Just as our meeting discussed about, humanity will not survive within these walls given our limited resources," he paused, "this sacrifice is necessary."
The raven snapped. "No—"
"It is necessary," the blond cut her off, stressing the word, hardening his stern expression at her, "you just do not see it, because you're blinded by your emotions. You do not see the greater good in this sacrifice; and if we do not make large sacrifices, we will not be able to make progress in this situation."
His counter caused Isanna to lapse into silence, her shaking irises still glued at the blond as his words hung inside the room.
At her reaction, Erwin finally broke eye contact, the hand that had been resting on his armrest clenching tightly behind his desk as he spoke his next words,
"You've become soft. I suppose this is because of Lauren?"
Isanna blinked out of her daze at the mention of that name.
Erwin frowned, still not looking at her. "It has come to my attention that you've been neglecting your military duties because of her, even going as far as to drag other soldiers into the task despite the severity of our current situation," he paused, "I believe it's high time you bring her to the orphanage so that you can focus."
The raven swore she felt her stomach sinking at his statement, each word stabbing her deep in her chest like an imaginary dagger, as her face faltered.
He did not just say that.
"You—!"
Whatever Isanna had planned to do by stepping forward was discontinued because Mike had finally stepped in and held her back by the shoulder.
Her heart had already been sinking ever since the start of this argument, but there was just something in Erwin's words regarding Lauren that pricked her. Hot tears began to form in the corner of Isanna's eyes at the prospect of leaving her in a foreign place, but she absolutely refused to show weakness in front of him.
She gritted her teeth.
"Since when did you become such a heartless asshole?!"
Her words caused Mike to widen his eyes, tightening his grasp on her shoulder and making sure things wouldn't get any uglier; he didn't like to think about what could have happened if he didn't step forward.
With his back to Erwin, Mike heard him say, "My decision is final. You are dismissed."
Mike could see the way Isanna's eyes had begun to water, but dark irises still narrowed in a heated glare at the Commander.
"Erwi—"
"I said," he repeated more firmly, "you are dismissed."
His order left no room for rebuttal as the silence trickled in, with Isanna staring at him in disbelief. She saw the way his eyes were filled with coldness and void of emotion as he stared back at her, and she wondered.
Since when did he start looking at her like that?
Chewing on her lip, she whirled around from Mike's grip and stomped her way out of the office, leaving the room in a heavy tension behind her.
Mike allowed his mind to process what he had just witnessed. He had little to no clue about what they had been arguing over in the beginning, but based on what he just heard, he was slowly able to get the gist. Regaining his composure, he turned to look at his Commander with a disapproving frown.
"You said too much."
Erwin shot a brief glance at him before he averted his eyes at the door where Isanna had exited. "Someone needed to tell her the harsh truth."
"Harsh truth?" Mike shook his head at him. "It seemed to me you were purposely hurting her. You.." his voice trailed off, looking for the right words, "you always hated it whenever she was hurt. What happened to you?"
When he received no reply, Mike continued on, "You know how attached she is to Lauren. Even you are attached to her. Even if your intention was to let her regain her focus, wasn't that too much?"
There was a pregnant pause before Erwin gave his reply, and Mike did not miss the way his jaw subtly tensed, the slight twitch of his brow and the coldness in his eyes hardening into an even stiffer look.
"I am in no position to prioritize the feelings of one soldier over humanity."
Soldier? His rather distant term for Isanna only caused bafflement to Mike. "She's your friend."
"She's letting her emotions get the best of her," Erwin countered, "and the Survey Corps has no room for a soldier who cannot control her own emotions."
Mike was dumbfounded at him. At his answers. At his dead voice, and the way his face never showed any emotion as he uttered those words. He didn't understand what happened to his Commander; it was as if he had taken a sudden shift in personality. Among the rest, Mike was the closest one to both Erwin and Isanna, and he would never have guessed that he would live to see them in a serious fight.
Because if there was one thing he knew about Erwin, it was that he absolutely detested hurting Isanna.
Then he thought of something.
This was not the Erwin he had known back when they were still training cadets, that same Erwin who had always looked and cared after Isanna like she was his immediate family—or perhaps, maybe even more.
This was Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corps.
And he was willing to sacrifice everything in the name of humanity.