The train ride back to London was silent.
There was some murmuring from some members of the family, but for The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Charles and his three children, it was silent.
For the adults, the silence was due to the worry. The worry about the children and how they were going to deal with not just what was waiting for them in London, but the lasting effects of the death of their mother.
For the children, it was due to the grief. The three of them were sat together, William and Harry on one side of the seats and Bella on the other side, but none of them had said a word. William was far too engrossed with the pattern of the seat in front of him, Harry was staring down at the table separating him and his sister, and Bella was staring out of the window, eyes unfocused on the countryside that they were speeding through.
Bella didn't know what to expect. Going outside the gates to Balmoral had been bad enough, but apparently London was manic. She had seen a picture of some flowers outside the gates of Kensington Palace on a newspaper but that was it...the rest was completely unknown.
♔♕
She took a tight hold of her fathers hand, the breeze making her knee-length black dress float lightly as she stepped out of the car. She could feel the crowd watching her, watching them all. It was like they were all holding their breath, waiting for something to happen.
Bella hadn't cried yet today, but her eyes were still bright with unshed tears. She bit her lip as she glanced over the hundreds, no, thousands of bouquets at the gates of Kensington Palace.
She couldn't fathom the idea that her mother wasn't inside waiting for her. That she would never be able to run up to her after coming home from school, shouting about the newest thing she had learnt that day. Or that she would never be able to just rest against her whilst reading her newest book.
Whilst they had been up in Balmoral it hadn't seemed real, like they were living in some sort of nightmare. She was used to being apart from her mother, used to being in Scotland without her. But London, London was where her mum was. It was where Bella had lived with her. And the idea that their apartment inside the palace didn't have their mother inside. Well, it was only when she looked at the palace for the first time that it seemed real. Her mum wasn't there anymore. She never would be.
Her lip began to quiver as the sheer enormousness of what had happened fell upon her shoulders. She forced herself to take her gaze away from the curtains of their apartment and to the ground, or the trees or something that didn't remind her of her mum.
Her father gently begin to tug her forwards, looking down with surprise as she brought herself as close to him as she could. Placing an arm around her shoulder, they walked towards the flowers that were resting at the gates. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do, were they just reading the messages or something else? Taking a glance at her brothers, she saw that they had bent down to read some of them, so she did the same.
'𝑤𝑒 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑛𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑦𝑜𝑢, 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑚𝑒𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑠𝑜 𝑚𝑢𝑐ℎ 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑒.'
She couldn't understand it. She couldn't understand why everyone else was so upset, she was her mum. It was her mum that had died. "Did all these people know mummy?" She whispered to her father.
"No darling."
"Oh." She replied with a slight frown, "so they just did this for her."
"Yes." She nodded in reply, turning to look at the crowds who had done this for her mother. They were all staring at her like she was glass, as though she would break any moment. Bella spotted a women who was holding a bunch of roses over the fences that had been erected to keep the crowds back. "Pa, can I put those women's flowers down for her?"
Charles looked up in surprise, his eyes going to the women in question, he glanced at one of their security personnel stood behind them before turning back to his daughter, "only if you want to."
Bella nodded once again, slipping out from her fathers arm to walk towards the crowd. She felt the gasp that came from the waiting people as they realised what she was doing. She walked up to the women who had now stood up tall, "hello," she said quietly, "would you like me to place your flowers for mummy?"
She watched as the women's eyes went wide, and then she began to nod. Blinking back tears she passed the roses to her, "thank you." Bella replied, giving her a small smile.
"No, thank you." The woman began, "she'd be so proud of you." It took her a minute to process what she had said but when she did, her head shot up in shock as her eyes filled with tears. It was then that she realised why everyone was staring at her in particular, at first glance she was a mini Diana. The top half of her blonde hair had been tied back with a black ribbon, leaving the bottom half to blow in the wind and her already blue eyes shone even brighter than usual. Bella knew she initially looked like her mother, at a longer glance her face was actually the same as her grandmothers, the only thing her mum had given her was the bone structure, everything else was Windsor. But initially, initially, she looked just like her mother.
She could feel everyone's eyes on her as she turned and, very carefully, placed the flowers on the ground, stopping briefly to read the message on them. It was as she placed them on the ground that the crowd began to clap, she felt her father place an arm around her, pulling her in close for a minute before they both turned back to the crowds and stepped forwards to place more flowers. Bella's brothers followed suit, and soon enough all four of them were being given tens of bouquets each as well as messages of condolences and thoughts of how 'brave' they all were.
Bella didn't think they were brave. It was just that they all obviously wanted to see them, wanted to see some sort of link back to their mother. She didn't understand it and she wasn't sure if she ever would. But she thought that it was what her mum would have done...so she decided to do it too.
♔♕
Bella had never been to a funeral before. And now she was about to attend her mother's.
It was all very strange. People kept staring at her and giving her sad smiles and whispering about things. She just stood there, stock still, in the middle of the entrance hall to Buckingham Palace, her Aunt Anne holding one of her hands whilst she clutched a bunch of forget-me-not flowers with the other.
She was to wait with the rest of the family until it was time for her mother's coffin to come past, whilst her grandpa, pa, William, Harry and Uncle Charles were going to join the procession later on. Bella had asked if she could walk with them but only men could walk behind coffins and as much as she had tried to persuade her father to let her, it was ultimately thought that even if they could break the rule just this once, she was far too young.
And so, when her granny walked up to her, holding out her own hand to replace Anne's, Bella took it, and held on for dear life. It was time.
She could hear people crying in the distance and the odd shout of something that she couldn't make out, but apart from that, it was utter silence save the sound of horses hooves getting closer and closer. The wind caught a piece of her hair making it escape the tight plait it had been placed in this morning, the same black bow as yesterday holding it together at the bottom. She briefly let go of her grandmother's hand to tuck it behind her ear but then immediately took it back, terrified to let go for too long.
The gates opened, and she could see for the first time the crowds clearly. Bella couldn't even begin to see the end of them, thousands of people lined the streets all glancing between herself and the rest of the family and the procession that was slowly inching closer to them.
"𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚜𝚝 𝚜𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚀𝚞𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚁𝚘𝚢𝚊𝚕 𝙵𝚊𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚢 𝚊𝚝 𝙱𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚑𝚊𝚖 𝙿𝚊𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚎...𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚀𝚞𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚌𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚙𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝙳𝚒𝚊𝚗𝚊'𝚜 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚍𝚊𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚎𝚛, 𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝙸𝚜𝚊𝚋𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚊, 𝚜𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚜𝚞𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚆𝚊𝚕𝚎𝚜, 𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚆𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝙷𝚊𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚓𝚘𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚌𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚗"
As the first sight of her mother's coffin came into sight, she sank closer to her granny. Bella felt her give her hand a light squeeze and looked up to her grandmother's face to see her looking down at her with a reassuring smile.
The coffin edged closer and closer. Bella felt her lip begin to quiver as the sight of the letter her and her brothers had written to their mum reached her. Her aunt stepped closer to her placing a hand on her back as the first tears escaped her eyes. Her mum was actually in there. She had actually died.
"𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚎'𝚟𝚎 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚊 𝚌𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚞𝚙 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚁𝚘𝚢𝚊𝚕 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚀𝚞𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝙸𝚜𝚊𝚋𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚊 𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚎𝚐𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚛𝚛𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚎𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚘 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖"
As the tears began to run down, Bella brought the hand she was carrying the forget-me-nots in to her face, trying to wipe her eyes with the back of her hand. She felt her granny bow as the coffin moved in front of them and as it went past Bella, a sob finally escaped her mouth. The Queen put both of her arms around her and pulled her in tight as she began to cry, the realisation of what was happening finally hitting her.
It was then that the last feelings of anger towards The Queen dissipated, the public seeing for the first time where in fact she had been during the past week, she had been comforting her grandchildren.
"Well done...it's okay Bella, it's okay." Elizabeth murmured to her as they turned to go back into the palace. By the time they reached the doors, her breathing had begun to return back to normal but she was still clutching onto her hand like her life depended on it. She glanced back down to her granddaughter as her private secretary began to walk towards her, looking like he needed her attention.
"It's okay, I've got her." Her daughter said quietly, bending down to look Bella in the eye. "Do you want to come with me now?" She asked softly, standing up and taking her hand when she nodded at her. "Come on then, shall we go find a tissue."
Her aunt led her by the hand to a nearby footmen who gave her a tissue followed by a sad smile. "Do you want me to hold your flowers?"
"No thank you, they're for mummy...I'm going to give them to her later but I want to keep them for now." She explained watching as Anne nodded her head in understanding.
"There we are then." She said as Bella finished drying her eyes, she bent back down to her so that they were eye to eye, "now," she began, gently tucking that stray piece of hair behind her ear, "are you sure you still want to go to the church?"
"Pa and William and Harry will be there won't they?" She asked quietly.
"Yes." Her aunt replied softly.
"Then I do." She nodded at her own words, "I still want to go."
She took hold of her aunts hand again as they went to go find her granny and great-granny who she would be joining in the car to the Abbey, Bella did still want to go even if the thought of it scared her a little. She had heard William say to Harry that he wanted to walk behind their mum so that he would never regret not doing it, and Bella didn't want to regret it either. She wanted to be there, even if the thought that it was the final time she would see her mother terrified her. It was only when she had seen the coffin for the first time that sheer enormity of what had happened hit her. Her mum had died. She would never see her again.
♔♕
She fell silent again in the car to the Abbey. Uncle Edward was chatting quietly with her gran-gran and sometimes her granny joined in too, but Bella remained silent, staring quietly out of the window at the crowds.
"𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚎'𝚟𝚎 𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚒𝚖𝚊𝚐𝚎𝚜 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚒𝚜 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚀𝚞𝚎𝚎𝚗'𝚜 𝚌𝚊𝚛 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚍 𝚆𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝙰𝚋𝚋𝚎𝚢, 𝚒𝚝 𝚖𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚋𝚎 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚀𝚞𝚎𝚎𝚗'𝚜 𝚌𝚊𝚛 𝚒𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚊𝚛𝚍 𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚘𝚙...𝚢𝚎𝚜 𝚒𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚀𝚞𝚎𝚎𝚗'𝚜 𝚌𝚊𝚛, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚞𝚖, 𝚒𝚗 𝚒𝚝 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚀𝚞𝚎𝚎𝚗, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚀𝚞𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝙼𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛, 𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝙸𝚜𝚊𝚋𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚊 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚋𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚢 𝚋𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚘𝚘, 𝚢𝚎𝚜 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚜, 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚜𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎, 𝚜𝚊𝚝 𝚒𝚗 𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝-𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛"
As the car came to a stop, she followed her uncle out of the car waiting by him as her grandmother greeted the Dean. She turned back to Bella just before they began to walk in, holding her hand out for her to hold. Once again, she clung on to it, still clutching her flowers in the other hand.
She could feel the people staring at her with that sad smile she had grown so accustomed to being met with recently. Bella kept her gaze on the floor as they made their way up the Abbey to their seats, not wanting to see how everyone was looking at her.
Bella tried, with somewhat success, to continue to keep her gaze down at the flowers in her lap throughout the ceremony. She didn't want to see the coffin again if she could help it, it only made tears spring back up. Her eyes did however, snap up into a cold hard stare when her uncle began to talk about the royal family, about her family.
She knew that she didn't know everything about her parents marriage, only that after she was born it had gotten better between the two of them and then, then it had gone wrong again. Bella did however, know that her uncle didn't know anymore of the details than she did, so what right did he have to start talking about it?
Finally he finished, and she returned her gaze to the the forget-me-nots, not looking up again until it was time to leave.
She wasn't sure how they got to the island at Althorp but there they were. Bella was stood at the waters edge, engulfed by one of her fathers arms as he hugged both herself and Harry, the two of them sobbing quietly as their mother was buried.
She had finally let go of the forget-me-nots, placing them on top of her mother's coffin. Bella had taken one of the flowers out of the bouquet though, and decided that she would treasure it forever as the final link to her mother.
♔♕