a week later ;
so there we were,
two young teenagers parked in an empty lot, not another car to be found. we had a view of the whole city of Los Angeles. the bright lights of the city and the rushing cars lighting up the night.
it was just us, alone, ashton and myself.
a mixtape of the killers softly echoed throughout the car, the lights turned off and the engine softly running.
the two of us sat in the backseat, my legs straddled around ashtons waist, his hands resting on my hips.
slowly we kissed, moving our lips together and our bodies pressed against each other. every now and then his hands would inch closer and closer downwards, causing me to guide them back upwards each time.
my hands became tangled in his curly hair, as the kiss became more heated.
ashton was a great kisser. he knew exactly what he was doing and he knew exactly what he wanted to do.
his lips were wet, but not sloppy, and they tasted sweet. he would leave slow kisses trailing down the crook of my neck, sucking down on soft spots.
I tilted my head backwards as I allowed to do him whatever he pleased. typically i let him take control, since he was so good at doing whatever.
suddenly his hands fisted upwards inside the hem of my loose shirt. his cold hands caused my skin to loosen with goosebumps. his fingertips trailed upwards and then finally rested right below my bra strap.
and this is when I pulled away.
his eyes fluttered opened, his chest puffing, his dark eyes glaring up at me through his messy hair.
I let out a short breath of air and used my hand to brush his curls out of his face. he swallowed roughly and left a small kiss on my hand that remained.
"what's wrong baby girl?" he questioned as to why we stopped.
I shook my head as if I was dismissing it and let out a small chuckle. I couldn't quite put to words as to how I was feeling.
ashton and myself weren't official quite yet. I mean sure, we spent most of our time together, but ashton never really popped the question of what we were actually doing.
our weeks were filled with heavy make out sessions in ashtons car and getting so drunk at parties that we didn't even remember our own names.
and I was trying to tell myself over and over that this is what I wanted. and this is what makes me happy.
but everything just did not fall into place so easily as it should.
luke and myself have not spoken in two weeks and I wasn't planning on stopping this for a long time. he deserved my silence.
I didn't know what I wanted with ashton. I knew that I have always adored this boy, but things were complicated.
typically, ashton moves fast with girls and has them casted under his spell from his first words. he was the type of boy to have one night stands.
but for some reason he was being some what patient with me.
I pushed my cascading hair behind my ears, "im just," I paused to think, "im just tired I guess."
and then I tore my legs off of ashtons lap and say myself down next to him. he rested a hand on my thigh and rested his head against the leather car seat.
"the nights just begun though, baby." he gave me a smirk and then gave my thigh a squeeze.
this was true.
ashton and myself were planning on stopping a by a party at michaels house. we were actually on our way, but ashton got side tracked and decided to pull over so that we could have our ten minute make out session.
sometimes it's even longer than that.
ever since I have been spending time with ashton, it has been partying every weekend. it was a whole new world.
and I began to wonder if i could keep up with it all.
"yeah I suppose you're right," i shrugged my shoulders, "do you just want to go to party now?"
ashton let out a small groan and tilted his head at me. his jawline sharp as ever and his lips pouting down at me.
"jaaadeeee," he wined, "you know I like having alone time with you." he traced circles up and down my thigh.
i weakly smirked at the boy, "we've been here for 10 minutes, ashton."
he blew some fallen hair out of his eyes, "10 minutes is too short for us."
I knew what he wanted. it was basically hidden in his eyes. I've been holding it back and pushing it aside since day one.
I mean, when I first met ashton he knew what he wanted from me. and I was going to give it to him at one point, but different thoughts have crossed my mind.
it wasn't that simple anymore.
i grabbed hold of his large hand and laced it with my own. I began to trace his long finger tips one by one. he gazed mindlessly down at my action.
"we can be together at the party." I tried my hardest to avoid the matter.
he let out a deep chuckle, "if that's what you want, princess."
I then gazed back at him and nodded slightly. his hazel eyes narrowing me down, licking his lips at me.
he made my heart pound and my skin crawl. he was so breathtaking.
and then with one last kiss, he climbed into the drivers seat and I followed into the passenger seat.
with the twist of the key, he backed out of the parking space and followed the path back onto the road. as we drove I connected my tiny hand with his, his other hand placed on the steering wheel.
the road was lit up with city lights and the dark sky filled with the light from the moon.
it was a chilly december night in california. it never seemed to get freezing cold here in the winter, but the temperatures did get mild.
ashton had his window cracked open, allowing a slight breeze to flow through the car.
-
we drove for quite some time before reaching to where the party was located at. michaels house was somewhat of a villa, with clear glass windows that gave you a view of the skyline.
hundreds of cars were lined up against the curb of his street, all the guests already inside the house.
the house was glowing different colors, the music blaring.
ashton and I had found a spot not too far from the house. we walked side by side, our hands still connected with one another.
he guided me inside the house, all eyes focused on the two of us. I wasn't used to all the attention yet. everyone knew who ashton was, and now everyone knew who I was.
it didn't take long for ashton to find himself a bottle of whiskey for the two of us to share.
we stood in the kitchen, ashton leaned up against the countertop, his legs spread so that I could stand in front of him. he took some sips of the alcohol and then allowed me to.,
no one bothered to approach us.
as he took a swig he narrowed his eyes down at me, "you still feeling tired?" his wet lips formed into a smirk.
ashton was a lightweight and tended to get drunk very easily. and when the boy finally did get drunk, he was a whole new person.
I couldn't tell if I loved or hated it.
I took the bottle into my grasp, "nope." and then I tilted my head backwards allowing the strong liquid to burn down my throat.
suddenly two firm hands were wrapped around my waist as they swiftly spun me around.
it was a tipsy michael clifford.
his hands rested on my hips as he giggled all around me.
"look who decided to show up." his words were slurred as he tapped my nose slightly.,
then he pushed past me and collapsed into ashton, pulling him into a tight hug.
he was so trashed.
ashton patted his back and then let him go swiftly. michael stumbled upon his two feet and tried his best to regain his balance.
"michael, mate, you're wasted." ashton shouted over the music.
I slightly laughed into the palm of my hand as michael shook his head in denial, even though ashton was completely correct.
"I feel perfectly fine!" he happily responded and brought a bottle to his plump lips, taking a long swig of the drink and practically finished off the bottle.
my eyes widened as he did this, slamming the bottle down on the counter top. ashton shook his head with a chuckle at his friend.
"ashton, I've been waiting for you all night, I need my wingman." he mumbled under his breath, narrowing down each girl that passed.
ashton weakly smiled and took another go at the whisky, "who do you got your eyes on tonight?"
"a smoking hot blonde in the other room," michael lifted a glass in the direction of the room, "you've got to see her."
and then ashtons eyes gazed over to me as if he needed my permission. I looked upwards at him and slightly shrugged my shoulders. I didn't mind what he did.
and then ashton leaned down to press and kiss on my temple before rushing away with michael.
and there I was, as always, standing alone in a crowded room. it seemed to always be this way.
ashton didn't even leave the bottle with me.
I crossed my arms over my chest and my eyes scanned across the filled room. there were people everywhere, bodies pressed against one another.
I watched as people laughed and looked as if they were enjoying themselves. but the thing is, I could not recognize a single face in that room.
I felt alone, and I felt out of place.
ashton and michael were now completely out of view and I had no clue where to go. I was unsure if ashton wanted me to stay in place or go off on my own.
I pushed myself away from the countertop and weaved my way through the crowd of people.
I wanted alcohol, I needed something to ease my mind.
slowly pacing myself into the other room, which was in the opposite direction of ashton, I entered a place where I still could not find a single person I could name.
I stood in my tracks and let out a breath of air, taking in the sight.
the lyrics of an upbeat song blasted throughout the house,
'I don't care, I'm down for what you want
day drunk into the night, wanna keep you here
'cause you dry my tears
yeah, summer loving and fights
how it is for us, and it's all because...'
I ran a hand through my hair in frustration, still having no clue what to do.
and then suddenly a strong grasp was placed into my hand, pulling my around.
I stumbled on my own two feet and crashed into a towering body. I let out a shriek and slowly gazed upwards at the casting figure.
"jade!"
I knew that voice.
my face softened when I made out who it was in the darkly lit room.
it was calum.
he was dressed head to toe in black and a hat placed backwards on the top of his head. his chest was huffing as if he was out of breath.
and his face was struck with a look of panic.
"oh thank god you're here." I let out a sigh of relief and mindlessly gazed around him to see if claudia could be here too.
calums hands trailed up to my shoulders, forcing me to look him in the eyes. he looked very frightened to say the least.
he narrowed his dark brown eyes at me, "jade I need your help."
I raised an eyebrow at the boy, "what are you even doing here?"
I had just arrived at the party and there was already corruption between my friends. I was just happy to see him and I wanted to enjoy myself.
he shook his head, "I have a problem."
I was a little taken back at his words, he seemed very tense.
"is everything okay, calum?"
his firm hands were still squeezing fight onto my shoulders, his chest rising up and down fast.
"wheres claudia?" I added.
all he could do was shake his head, "jade that's not why im here, I seriously need help."
my eyes trailed into his, "with what?"
I was scared to hear his answer. if ashton had found out that there was something wrong, I knew he would go all out.
he looked around us before pulling me quickly away from the crowd of people. his hand tightened onto mine as we entered an empty stairwell that lead to the upstairs.
without an explanation he forcefully guided me upwards, a thousand questions racing through my mind.
when we had finally reached the top of the steps, we stopped moving. calum made sure there was no one around us before he continued. I was confused as ever.
"I know you don't want to hear this," calum swallowed harshly.
I searched his worried face for some answers, "calum what? what is it?"
this all seemed to happen so fast.
"it's luke."
the mentioning of his name caused my face to become blank and flat.
luke and myself have not spoken in two weeks. he didn't want anything to do with me anymore.
I had lost him and it was all my fault.
calum continued before I could say anything, "jade, he's a mess."
I shook my head to get myself out of a trance, "well what the hell could have happened?"
"olivia," he ran a hand through his messy hair, "they got in some serious fight tonight over god knows what, and luke called me shit faced wasted."
I knew that this would happen.
I knew in my mind that she was and always will be no good. all that girl does is bring that boy down. and I wanted to take the pain away, and I wanted to protect him for her ways and her tricks.
but I couldn't do it anymore.
and I shouldn't care about this anyways.
I shook my head, "this isn't my problem, anymore." I stood my ground.
calum looked almost offended, "jade he needs someone," he paused and almost stopped himself from continuing, "he needs you." and then the words came out.
"why on earth would he need me?" I questioned.
"you know him jade, I know you do. you got him out of this once and you sure as hell can do it again."
calums tone of voice was serious and he meant everything he was saying. but I on the other hand didn't know what to think.
"but I," I swallowed harshly, "I don't want to do this anymore! I already gave up." I crossed my arms over my chest, now refusing to look at the boy.
calum let out a groan, "so that's it? you're going to just give up on luke? these past months has meant nothing to you. are you really going to let him go?"
he was so wrong.
these months with luke have meant everything to me, he meant something to me. from day one I have wanted to make him feel sane. I wanted to be the reason to make him happy.
I craved his affection.
but I had lost sight of him. I lost this boy and he wasn't even mine to begin with.
I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't just sit back and watch him be hurt by a girl he claims to be in love with.
i bit down on my lower lip, gazing back up at calum, "well what do you expect me to do?"
calums hands wrapped around my wrists, "talk to him, make up, put this all behind you."
"this has nothing to do with us! he likes olivia." I pushed him away from me and crossed my arms over my chest once again.
calum slightly rolled his eyes, "please jade."
and then his eyes narrowed down the door that was directly behind me. I had assumed that this is where luke was practically having a mental breakdown.
he wanted me to go inside the room with luke, alone.
I let out a soft sigh before spinning around on my heads. I gave up from defeat and slowly approached the glass door.
twisting the doorknob, the door swung open allowing me to enter the room.
I closed the door behind me and got a view of the room. it was big and you could look out to the whole city of la.
my eyes fell onto a canopy bed that sat in the middle of the room, white satin curtains draping.
and there he was.
his legs planted on the floor, sitting on the bed, his face cupped his hands. he faced away from me, not even flinching at the sound of the door closing.
hesitantly swallowing, I took small footsteps closer and closer to him. this would be our first time talking in a while.
and with a swift movement I placed myself down on the bed besides him, not speaking a word.
this caused him to jump tensely and sniffle slightly.
his baby blue eyes gazed into mine, almost looking shocked that I was the one sitting beside him.
I refused to speak to him and he refused to speak to me.
and he gave me that same look of sadness and everlasting hope back.
we sat there, taking each other in, which is what we normally did whenever we ran into one another.
when he looked at me I could see it, I could see that he missed me. he didn't have to say a word. he looked almost pained to finally see me.
and I felt the same.
I then tore my painful gaze away from him and blankly stared out he night window. luke didn't take his eyes off me once.,
"you've got some explaining to do." I finally broke the silence.
he shifted uncomfortably besides me, thinking of what to respond with.
but he remained silent.
"you know luke," I continued, "when I first met you I thought you had the prettiest eyes in the world." I bluntly admitted, wanting to change the subject completely.
I wanted anything but to talk about olivia.,
he swallowed, "you did?"
I nodded and then brought my gaze back into his captivating eyes, "they're my favorite thing about you."
luke gave me a good stare before tearing his eyes away from me and back down at his shaky hands.
he was tense and he was shaking uncontrollably. he wasn't crying at this point, I think he was just so used to getting in fights with olivia.
I then reached out hesitantly and grasped hold on his racing hand. his fingertips brushed against mind, his hand freezing cold.
I ran a thumb up and down the rough palm of his hand, wanting to make it clear that I was here and I wasn't leaving.
he weakly gazed down at our connected hands.
"what happened luke?" I spoke up, "what are we doing?"
he looked up from our hands and back towards me, "I don't know."
my eyes met with his, "I can't do this anymore." I came right out with it.
a confused look crossed his face, "do what?"
I shook my head with slightly closed eyes. he didn't get it and I highly doubted he ever would get it.
"I can't make you see what I see," I swallowed, "I can't prove to you that olivia isn't good for you, it's exhausting."
"so what?" luke spoke in a hush tone, "so we aren't friends anymore?"
I looked down at my lap, my hair falling over my shoulders. I didn't know how to respond exactly.
I wanted to tell him how I really felt. I wanted to get up and leave, I didn't want to sit hear and listen to him defend a girl who didn't deserve his defense.
the music pounded against the walls, not giving me quiet thinking space.
I then tore my eyes up back to him, "I can't be friends with you."
"why the hell not?" luke then ripped his hand off of mine.,
he brought his hand close to his chest as if he was offended by my choice of words.
I looked at the boy with pained eyes, "don't you get it luke?" I harshly chuckled with a shake of my head.
he looked at me with his wide blue eyes. they captivated me so that I choked on my own words.
I know people aren't medicine but god he made me feel better than anything I've ever been prescribed and I've never liked the color blue because it reminded me of storms like the ones inside me but when I looked into his eyes suddenly that color is the most calming thing I've ever experienced.
I continued, "I can't be friends with someone who talks about a girl who he puts all his love and affection in for, I can't sit and just watch your heart get broken time over time," I swallowed before speaking out,
"because I know damn well that I could make you feel better than any other girl." I shook my head feeling emotion rush throughout my body, "I fucking like you luke, it has always been you."
and then we both sat there, my beating heart racing as I regretted all my words.
his silence was killing me as we both just sat there, gazing down at our laps.
and it all came into mind that me sitting in this room alone with him wasn't going to solve anything. the two of us were two passing ships in the night. he was the book I wanted to read but he was the tallest bookshelf. he was so far out of reach and he could never be mine.
so it was best to stay out of his life.
and as more silence passed and the two of us just mindlessly sitting there, I decided that I had to get out of there.
I then used my hands to push myself off the bed and stand up straight in the dark room. the glass windows lighting up my face.
and as I turned around on my heels my drifting arm was then grasped by lukes cold hand. his grip tightened as he pulled me back down on the bed so that we were now sitting side by side.
i gazed at the boy a little taken back by his actions. he looked at me with those damn blue eyes.
his rough knuckles caressing the fallen hair out of my face, inching closer and closer towards me on the bed.
his eyes trailed from mine and then down to my lips. I couldn't help but stare his as well, the lip ring and all.
the two of us, both committed in relationships, hesitantly leaned inwards.,
our foreheads rested against each others. his eyes were fluttered shut as mine were still terrified and opened.
shifting his slowly to the side, his lips brushed against mine as gentle as ever.
I felt my eyes shut softly as my hands trailed onto his thighs. his hand rested on my cheek, tugging on my lips leaving gentle kisses.
there was not dictionary definition that would stand a chance to describe how his lungs were filled with the sweetest air possible.
he was so slow and so soft and as he pulled away my eyes remained shut, pursing my lips together.
my eyes fluttered open as did his own, and we both gazed at one another.
he looked scared.
as did I.
his hand fell from my cheek and rested on the mattress, my hand trailing to touch my marked lips.
"im sorry jade." his deep voice whispered under his breath.
I shook my head, "w-why did you do that?"
"because I couldn't watch you walk away from me again, I couldn't lose you again."
these words struck my chest, leaving me feel empty and alone. I knew he still had feelings for another girl.
"im not someone you can just kiss whenever you please luke! I have ashton." I began to rethink this whole situation.,
without thinking he grasped onto my hand tightly, "you don't want ashton, jade, tell me you don't want him."
I looked down at our connected hands and then back at him, "and what if I do tell you that?"
he brought my hand closer to him, "then I'll leave olivia, I'll be all yours."
I gazed at the boy with wide eyes. everything was so suddenly falling into place and I was falling so hard. but is this what he really wanted?
I swallowed harshly, "I-" I stopped myself from continuing, thinking of what I wanted to say.
I wanted luke. I wanted him more than anything.
"I don't know what I want." I pulled my hand away from his grasp and brought it close to my chest.
lukes bright eyes then fell completely down, unable to look me in the eyes.
"jade," he swallowed, "maybe all we'll ever be is just friends."
but I didn't want to be just friends.
I just wanted to be able to feel his lips on mine and kiss his neck and mess with his hair and feel our hands intertwine as I lay my lead down on his chest,
but it could never be that simple.
without Olivia he would have to leave america. it was bitter sweet.
I swallowed, "friends?"
he nodded, "friends."
I weakly smiled, "sure." but it was all fake.