DEAR BRAYLEN,
I love you. I have loved you ever since you threw my baseball cap in the street. I have loved you ever since you punched me sixth grade. I have loved you during every fight, every argument, every moment.
And somewhere along the way, you decided to love me too. You have no idea how happy that made me. That someone like you could love someone like me. I'm so sorry for everything I've done to you, this most of all.
The only thing my mind keeps coming back to is how much I love you. I wish it was enough to tether me here and maybe it is. Maybe I'm just pushing it back in my heart and letting everything else take over. Maybe I'm giving up.
Maybe it's the money or the drugs or the parties or the pain. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's everything else. But know that it was never you, okay?
I know I pushed you away. I know you know now that I did it on purpose. But you don't know how badly I wanted to stay for you, B. You don't know how badly I wanted you to call me out on my bull, tell me that you knew I was lying when I said I wanted distance from you. But you didn't know. You believed the lies I told you so easily that I felt evil for telling them in the first place.
I suppose I am evil, at the root of it all. A good person wouldn't do what I did to you. Not when he loves you the way that I do.
You couldn't have loved me any better, Brayls. I know you're going to blame yourself because that's what you do. But you did nothing wrong.
Just don't forget that I love you, okay? Don't shut people out and don't give up. You're going to make too big a difference for you to do that.
You're a star, Braylen. You're going to shine with or without me. You're going to live a good life, one with a family and kids and everything you've ever wanted. You're going to be happy. I just know it.
Do you remember that book I was reading on the plane back home? There's a portion that reminded me of you.
"Maybe...you'll fall in love with me all over again."
"Hell," I said, "I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me?"
"Yes. I want to ruin you."
"Good," I said. "That's what I want too."
You were always what I wanted, B. You were all I ever wanted. And it didn't matter if our love story was tumultuous or scary or ruinous. It was ours. And it's yours now. As am I.
Yours entirely and yours only, Sebastian (Ash) Grey