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chapter fifteen ; fear her
THE DOCTOR LEANED AGAINST THE DOORFRAME OF LUNA'S BEDROOM, watching her chest rise and fall slowly. He took a deep, shaky breath, running a hand through his hair messily. Rose had already bid him goodnight, after a quick hug and a few jokes, and he rushed to Luna's room before she could keep him any longer.
It had been three days since the encounter with the impossible planet, ominous pits, and the black hole. Three days since he'd heard her voice and seen her smile. Three days since she'd been sucked into space to die and he'd rewritten time -- against his own rules, entering his own time stream -- to save her.
He didn't know what came over him, but when Zach informed him of Luna's death -- he couldn't face it. He couldn't face the guilt of knowing she died on his watch. He couldn't stand to live in a world where she didn't.
The Doctor closed his eyes, striding towards the bed and looking down at her face. She wasn't sleeping peacefully, no one ever did when unconscious, but at least she could get a bit of rest. She'd been so exhausted, so drained, since the Cyberman that he wasn't sure how she even functioned.
He brushed back a piece of her hair, running his knuckles along her cheek lightly. "My moon girl," he whispered, "I'm so sorry."
He closed his eyes, leaning down and pressing a light kiss to her forehead, before standing back and looking around her room.
The room practically screamed Luna, with a collection of historical novels, an extensive, and impressive, Lord of the Rings collection stuffed into her bookshelves. There were at least three shelves, standing next to each other, the dark wood covered in askew hats and scarves.
An old-fashioned desk sat on the wall furthest from the door, littered in sketches and thick, leather-bound journals. He leaned closer, peeking over the top with raised eyebrows. A few books from the TARDIS library scattered the top half of the desk and he spotted sketches of different species they'd encountered. A fond smile fell to his lips. He didn't know she could sketch so well.
He found a picture of her and Leia on her nightstand-- but a different version, a happier version than that Mickey's universe -- arms wrapped around each other as they posed in front of the Eiffel Tower. He sighed, glancing back at Luna with a morose expression. She was tucked under the blankets, a big fluffy comforter covered in animated cats. A small smile tugged at his lips and he closed his eyes.
"I don't know why I'm so scared to lose you," he confessed quietly, kneeling down next to her bedside, running his hand along her hair and forehead gently. "I don't know why I risked everything to save you, it was stupid and irresponsible and..." he trailed off as her eyebrows tugged together. "I don't regret it," he whispered. "I should regret it, but Luna Peterson, no part of me wants to exist without you."
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Luna stirred slowly, a resounding headache bouncing across her head. She rubbed her eyes sleepily, letting out a number of profanities. "What happened?" She asked aloud, slowly sitting up and turning.
She jumped a second later, finding the Doctor watching her from across the room. "Shit, Doc, warning next time. What if I took my shirt off?"
He shrugged, a playful smirk toying on his face. "Not going to answer that question," a light blush warmed her cheeks and he smiled. "Welcome to the land of the living, Luna."
She waved half-heartedly. "What happened?"
He looked away from her, guilt filling his features as a dark look crossed his face. She blinked, trying to recall anything -- but she couldn't remember.
"You saved them." He stated simply. "And then you ended up in space and I saved you. That's that, all accounted for, see you later--" He jumped up to leave the room but she swung the blankets over her legs, beating him to the door by a second.
"Don't you leave this room looking like that, Doctor, why can't I remember what happened to me?"
He didn't meet her eyes. "I don't know," he admitted. "You almost died or, you did die. You should be dead, Luna. You were thrown into space and you--"
Luna's eyes widened. "--Rose--"
"--Rose is fine, we're all fine. Ida was fine and the rest of the crew was fine and --"
"--No, Doc, she unbuckled my seatbelt. She's the reason I flew into space."
The Doctor blinked, a cautious look on his face. "Luna, you've been out for awhile, that's not something Rose would --"
"--Oh my god, how did I survive?" Luna questioned to herself, stepping away from the Doctor and falling back onto the bed. "How am I...she killed me. She thought I deserved to die."
The Doctor stood near the door for awhile, her words hanging between them like a dark cloud. She didn't know what to say and neither did he. He loved Rose, in some way, and she tried -- and succeeded -- in killing Luna. Because Luna and the Doctor had developed feelings for each other and Rose felt a claim over him.
Luna turned her head, staring at the journal next to her bed. She'd journaled her entire life, but never more so than in the past few months, and even more vigorously since losing her memories. So many childhood memories and emotions all wrapped in the journal. She didn't want to forget them. She didn't know why she was forgetting them.
"She can have you," Luna whispered softly.
The Doctor didn't hear her and walked in front of her slowly, bending down and staring into her eyes. "What?"
"She can have you," Luna said stronger this time, tears springing in her eyes. "I don't care about it that much. She can hold your hand and almost-kiss you in your bedroom and have light night conversations on the edge of the TARDIS. If she wants it that desperately, then she wins. You're not something to fight over, you're not a child's plaything -- you're a man. A brilliant, handsome, impossible man. And you deserve to be happy so if she --"
His lips smashed against her own suddenly, as tears fell from her eyes. She didn't expect their first kiss -- and possibly only kiss -- to be like this, but she wasn't complaining. He moved his hands up, cradling her face gently, his mouth soft and warm against her own. He tasted of bananas, and a hint of mint, and she smiled into the kiss. She tugged him closer and he obliged, as she wrapped her arms around his neck, slowly standing up. He moved his hands from her face to behind her neck and waist, pulling her close to him as their lips moved in sync.
She felt everything she was supposed to feel, everything she'd never felt before. The fireworks, the explosions, the quickened heartbeat and the loss of breath. Her hands found his hair and she slowly experimented with it, tugging at it and running her hands through the soft texture. She always knew it would be that soft. He moaned quietly at a particular tug and she bit his lip lightly, playfully.
The Doctor squeezed her waist, bringing her closer and she pulled back suddenly, shaking her head, hands falling back down. He didn't let go of her waist.
"Doctor, we shouldn't have--"
"--Let me talk," he told her firmly and she shut her mouth, nodding.
"I adore Rose, I do. And I don't think that she hurt you," Luna started to pull out of his grasp but he kept a firm grip on her. "But if she did, I'll talk to her about it. I haven't felt this way about someone since..." He closed his eyes for a moment. "For centuries, and never for a human. She doesn't have a claim over me because there's nothing for her to claim. My hearts are yours, Luna Peterson, my soul, my mind -- every single part of me is yours."
Luna bit her lip, pulling out of his grasp and shaking her head. "No, Doctor, we shouldn't have--"
"--Why not?" He asked her. "Why not? We've talked about it, joked about it, I've thought about it for weeks. I promised you I would so why can't I kiss you and have you be happy about it? Why can't I take you out and have one fucking day where I don't worry about you dying?"
She blinked. "What?"
He sighed, putting his hands in his pockets. "If you don't want to do this, then fine. Tell me. We can stop right now and we won't ever talk about it again. But don't--don't put this on Rose, don't put this on me, put it on yourself. If you don't want to be with me then --"
"--Who said I don't want to be with you?!" Luna shouted, throwing her hands up exasperatedly. "I think about you all the time. I hold your hand when I'm scared, I," her voice broke. "I gave up when I thought you died. I stopped feeling anything. I don't have a purpose without you, Doctor--"
"--That's far from true--"
"--I just don't have anything else that makes me feel alive!" It was quiet. "Nothing but you. You're the only thing, literally the only thing, that keeps me going. I can't breathe without you. I can't--I can't even remember my mom's name," Luna let out a sob, covering her mouth as she took a shaky breath. "I'm losing things, memories, pieces of my life like I'm an elderly woman with Alzheimers. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore, nothing but you."
He moved forward, taking her hands into his own. "I told you we'd--"
"--Figure it out, yeah. Did you want to do that before or after you fell into the pit of death and made me think I'd lost you? Do you want to invite Rose? Because I have a feeling she'd find some way to end my life over some fucking jealousy because she doesn't have the balls to talk to me about it."
The Doctor sighed, anger resigning slowly as his eyes searched her face. "Luna, I don't know why Rose did what she did. But I don't want you to be scared of her. She's my companion and--"
Luna snorted. "I'm not scared, Doctor. She's your responsibility. I'm tired of her games. I'm not gonna play anymore. She's a child traveling with a man she thinks she loves. But she knows nothing about love and friendship. Look what she did to Mickey!" Luna shook her head. "No, Doc, I just...I can't be with you right now, I'm sorry, I just...I think it's best if we forget this happened and stay friends. She can hold your hand and answer your jokes and I'll...I'll travel with you, I'll be your companion."
Luna nodded to herself. "I can't be with you, Doctor, you're...I'll die for you in a second, but I'm not going to be murdered in cold blood over some twisted love triangle."
She closed her eyes. "So, thanks for being here when I woke up but I'm--I'm going to get some rest. Goodnight."
He hesitated, hurt flashing his features before he nodded. "Alright, Luna. If that's what you want."
Luna's heart broke and she turned away from him, tears streaming down her face.
"It is."
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Luna tapped on Rose's door gently, waiting a few moments until it opened. Now dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, Luna felt better about her decision. Despite falling for the Doctor, he wasn't worth dying for — not like that.
"Hey," Luna greeted as Rose stood on the other side of the door, knob in her hand. "Can we talk for a minute?"
Rose nodded, letting her come in and Luna stood towards the middle of the room. A bit larger than Luna's room, there was a lot of pink and bright colors. She had clothes strewn about and seemed a bit messy. Luna smiled softly. She wished so desperately her and Rose could be friends.
"I know you unbuckled my seat, Rose," Luna told her casually, turning her head to watch Rose's reaction.
Rose's eyes widened and she shook her head. "No, Toby—Toby did it. After you unbuckled him, when you shot the window. He did it, I would never do that to you."
Luna raised her eyebrows. "Oh, okay, so what about the Cybermen then? Was that Pete?"
She shook her head, a guilty look crossing her features. "I—that was stupid, I'm so sorry. It was poor judgement and—"
"—I almost died, so I'd say it's a bit more than a poor judgement call."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Luna. I've just been...I haven't been feeling like myself lately, I've been..." Rose sighed. "I've been really jealous of you and the Doctor. I feel like you're taking him from me and—"
"—So cutting me out of the equation would solve things?"
"I said I'm sorry! What else do you want? I didn't do that on the ship, I swear, I would never have done that to you. I was trying to grab the seatbelt and get you back into it but it was too late. Everything happened so fast," Rose's eyes filled with tears. "I didn't realize what was happening until you were already gone."
A heavy curtain of silence fell between them and Luna watched Rose carefully, looking for any sort of lie as Rose dodged eye contact, wiping her tears sullenly. "I'm sorry," Rose told her quietly.
Luna sighed, reaching out and pulling Rose into a tight hug. "Please don't ever try to kill me again."
Rose nodded, her arms wrapped tightly around Luna. "I'm so happy you're okay," her voice choked and Luna squeezed her gently. She was crying. "I thought you died and I was so scared."
Luna pulled back. "Hey, I'm okay. It's okay."
Rose nodded, reaching a hand up to wipe away her tears. "And I realized something," she began quietly, clearing her throat. "The Doctor loves you, Luna and I—I can't compete with that, with you. You would've never done that to me at Cybus, you've only helped me and saved me since you've been around. The rocket was another example, you're always saving my skin. And," she sighed. "I'm sorry for trying to get in between you and the Doctor. I thought he loved me but when he picked us up his first question was you. You're his first priority, not me. And thats okay, really, I'm—"
Luna pulled Rose into another hug, rubbing her back softly. "Rose, no man, even the Doctor, is worth fighting like this over. Remember Sarah Jane?"
Rose pulled back with a smile, nodding her head. "Yeah, I just phoned her the other day."
"You were so jealous over her past with the Doctor, and you didn't even know her! And now you're jealous of me and — he's just not worth fighting over. He's amazing, the most amazing person, but he's not worth losing who you are."
Rose took a shaky breath. "So are you gonna be all coupl-y now? I'm not sure if I can handle that."
Luna shook her head. "No, Rose, we, em...I told him I don't want to do anything right now. We're just friends. If you want to have a go then--"
"--I can't do that to you, Luna. This whole frenemy thing...can we just start over? And be friends?"
Luna grinned. "I would love that."
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Luna smirked as the Doctor opened the TARDIS doors, only to find himself stuck. After he raced back to the console and flipped her around, Luna and Rose burst into laughter, following him outside.
"Ah!"
Luna shook her head, zipping up her jacket. "A bit chilly," she crossed her arms together. "That just me?"
Rose wandered to the containment bin and examined a poster. Shayne Ward, Greatest Hits.
"Oh, I love him," Luna commented lightly.
"So, near future, yeah?" Rose asked and the Doctor nodded.
"I had a passing fancy," he told her, nodding to Shayne's posters. "Only it didn't pass, it stopped."
They made their way down the street, Luna on the Doctor's left as Rose remained on his right, and Luna stretched out her fingers a bit, glancing at the Doctor. It felt strange to have her hand so empty -- he glanced back at her, eyes sad and heavy. He felt the same way.
"Thirtieth Olympiad," the Doctor explained, a wide grin on his face, sticking his hands in his pockets. Always so good at hiding his feelings.
"No way!" Rose grinned, interlocking her arms through the Doctor's and grinning up at him, slapping his chest lightly. "Why didn't I think of this? That's great."
He looked over at Luna and she smiled. "Brilliant, I've always wanted to go to the Olympics."
"Only seems like yesterday a few naked Greek blokes were tossing a discus about, wrestling each other in the sand with crowds stood around baying. No, wait a minute," he laughed, shoving Rose gently. "That was Club Med," Rose laughed and Luna let out a chuckle, shaking her head. "Just in time for the opening doo dah, ceremony, tonight, I thought you'd like that. Last one they had in London was dynamite. Wembley, 1948. I loved it so much, I went back and watched it all over again. Fella carrying the torch. Lovely chap, what was his?"
Rose pulled away from the Doctor, grabbing Luna's arm and guiding her to a pole with "Missing Person" posters up and down it's length. Luna took a deep breath. She hated when things involved kids.
"Poor babies," Luna shook her head and Rose hummed in agreement. "Why is it always the children?"
"Doctor," Rose started, trying to grab his attention as he continued on.
"Mark? John? Mark? Legs like pipe cleaners, but strong as a whippet..."
"Doctor," Rose tried again.
"And in those days, everybody had a tea party to go to..."
"Doctor!" Rose continued trying. Luna glanced between the two, rolling her eyes. Good lord, that man could talk.
"Did you ever have one of those little cakes with the crunchy ball bearings on top?"
"You should really look at this," Luna grabbed his attention and he glanced back at her, eyebrows furrowed.
"Do you know those things?" He asked her, tilting his head. "Nobody else in this entire galaxy's ever even bothered to make edible ball bearings. Genius."
"Doctor, it's kids, take it seriously," Luna told him harshly, and he sobered up, staring at the posters.
"What's taking them, do you think? Snatching children from a thoroughly ordinary street like this. Why's it so cold? Is someone reducing the temperature?"
"That's what I said!" Luna shook her head. "You never listen."
He gave her a sidelong glance. "I always listen."
"What's my favorite color?"
He shrugged. "Periwinkle, come on, give me something harder."
Luna's eyebrows raised in surprise and she glanced at Rose, who was giving her a look. "Not a couple, yeah, okay," Rose told her quietly so the Doctor couldn't here.
Luna shoved Rose gently and Rose giggled.
"It says they all went missing this week," Rose told the pair of them. "Why would a person do something like this?"
"What makes you think it's a person?"
"Probably based on the fact that 2,300 children go missing everyday, so unless an alien's doing the kidnapping..." Luna trailed off, the Doctor sparing her another glance. There was a look in his eyes -- but she couldn't tell what it meant.
A woman opened her door and their heads snapped in her direction as she brought her trash to the curb, eyes flicking around nervously.
"Whatever it is, it's got the whole street scared to death," Rose spoke up, staring at the woman as the Doctor nudged Luna and nodded down the street. He started running and she followed him -- Rose would figure it out eventually.
The Doctor stopped in front of a house with a little soccer goal and stuck his hand up, moving his fingers. Luna felt the hairs on her neck stand up and looked around. "Feels weird in this spot," she told him and he stared at her, suspiciously, and her heart dropped. Why was he looking at her like that?
He turned back to his hand, lowering it the ground as he kneeled and she tilted her head curiously, watching him. He grinned, glancing up at her, and then back at his hand.
"Ooh, tickles."
She laughed, shaking her head and the front door open, and a man came out, looking between them angrily.
"What's your game?" He demanded.
Luna raised her eyebrows as the Doctor stood up.
"My er. Snakes and Ladders? Quite good at squash. Reasonable. I'm being facetious, aren't I. There's no call for it."
She closed her eyes, hiding her laugh. "Sorry, sir, I'm Luna, this is the Doctor. We're detectives."
The man eyed her suspiciously, eyes narrowed. "Nah, you don't look like a copper, neither one of you." He told them walking towards them and they raised their hands up in defense, backing away.
"No, look, see," the Doctor reached into his pocket. "Look, proof, and we have a colleague, here, see, Lewis," he pointed to Rose as they walked into a group.
"Well, she looks less like a copper than you do."
Luna rolled her eyes, holding her hand up to the Doctor. "Shush it," she turned to the man. "We were trying to be undercover, see if we could scope out the area a bit -- but it's proving rather difficult when some incessant prick finds the need to question our motives. We're trying to help, so how about you hush up with the negativity and answer any questions we have."
The Doctor and Rose gave her impressed looks and she winked at them, turning back to the man with a stern face. The Doctor held up the psychic paper and the man stared at it for a moment, accepting it and backing down.
"Thank you," Luna added victoriously.
"What are you going to do with them?" A woman asked, her eyes looking fearful and her face painted in worry. Luna's eyes narrowed. What a strange question.
"The police have knocked on every door," an elderly woman spoke up. "No clues, no leads, nothing."
"Look, kids run off sometimes, all right? That's what they do."
Luna rolled her eyes. "Three kids in such a short time? Honestly, is that the theory you're sticking to?"
"Saw it with me own eyes," the elderly woman spoke again. "Dale Hicks in your garden, playing with your Tommy, and then pfft! Right in front of me, like he was never there. There's no need to look any further than this street. It's right here amongst us."
"Why don't we--" The Doctor started but was cut off.
"Why don't we start with him?" Another woman asked, coming up to the group, pointing at the dark-skinned construction worker. Luna raised her eyebrows. She wasn't sure if that was meant the way it sounded -- but if it was, they were going to have a problem. "There's been all sorts like him in this street, day and night."
"Fixing things up for the Olympics," the man defended.
"Yeah, and taking an awful long time about it," the man from before spoke again.
Luna sighed, shaking her head. People always pointed fingers and never took any of the blame.
"I'm of the opinion," the Doctor tried again. "That all we've got to do is just--"
"--You don't. What you just said, that's slander!"
"I don't care what it is," the woman replied.
"I think we need to just--" the Doctor spoke up, only to get cut off. He exchanged an irritated look with Luna.
"I want an apology off her," the construction man spoke again.
"Stop picking on him," the elderly man told the woman.
"Yeah, stop picking on me."
"And stop pretending to be blind. It's evil!"
"I don't believe in evil."
"Oh no, you just believe in tarmackers with sack loads of kidnapped kiddies in their van."
"Here, here, here, that's not what she's saying."
Sounds exactly like what she was saying.
"Would you stop ganging up on me?"
"Feeling guilty, are we?"
Luna clenched her fists. "Shut it!" She shouted loudly, turning to the Doctor when everyone quieted. He glanced down at her, a smile tugging at his lips as he turned back to everyone else.
"Fingers on lips!" He ordered them all and Luna immediately put her finger on her lips, everyone following suit, and Luna felt a smile growing as she watched him talk.
"In the last six days, three of your children have been stolen. Snatched out of thin air, right?"
"Er, can I?" The elderly woman asked and the Doctor nodded. She lowered her hand. "Look around you. This was a safe street till it came. It's not a person. I'll say it if no one else will. Maybe you're coppers, maybe you're not. I don't care who you are. Can you please help us?"
Luna watched the woman who asked the strange question, the growing guilt on her face, and glanced up to the window as she scurried off back inside. A child sat, her hand on the window. Strange.
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"Want a hanky?" Rose asked as the Doctor sniffed around the man's yard from before. Luna didn't blame him, it smelt strange, felt strange. But she couldn't put her finger onto why.
"Can you smell it?" The Doctor asked them "What does it remind you of?"
"Sort of metal?" Rose asked and Luna nodded.
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
"Mmmhmm," the Doctor responded and Rose's eyes lit up.
"Oh!"
The three of them started walking down the street to the back alley behind the houses, all gated up, and Luna crossed her arms, fighting the instinct to grab the Doctor's hand. Even if she had Rose's blessing, she had to stick to her guns. She didn't want to rush into things, especially with a man like the Doctor. He wasn't worth losing friends -- or her life -- over so quickly. Besides, acting romantically with him would only hurt Rose and they were turning over a new leaf. She couldn't do that to her.
"Danny Edwards cycled in one end but never came out the other. Whoa, there it goes again! Look at the hairs on the back of my manly hairy hand." He glanced at Luna, as if waiting for her to say something but she didn't. His eyebrows furrowed and he turned back to Rose.
"And there's that smell," Rose started. "It's like a er, a burnt fuse plug or something."
"There's a residual energy in the spots where the kids vanished. Whatever it was, it used an awful lot of power to do this."
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okay i lied not very fluffy or cute but we're gonna touch on Luna's dad in the next chapter, because of Chloe's dad, and it's gonna press some buttons. Also...notice how she can't remember more and more? Why is that? And was it REALLY Toby? hmmm questions questions. anyways if you liked this please leave a comment telling me any predictions or feelings -- y'all probably have a lot -- and I'll respond :) don't be a silent reader! and don't forget to vote!! stay safe:) I'll be updating another chapter in a few hours -osw