TW// Sensitive topics found after the "***"
I THOUGHT I knew what it felt like to be kissed by Sebastian Grey but he'd been holding out on me. Because as he kissed me now, his lips moving fiercely against mine and his tongue dancing with my own, I felt timeless. I felt free. I felt loved.
This is what it feels like to be his.
There were a few gasps and whispers circling around the room now but every time one of them trickled in, I just kissed him harder. His hands had wound themselves in my hair and I was clutching onto his suit jacket, halfway pulling him closer to me and halfway holding myself up. I was sure I was going to pass out from everything he was doing to me, his fingers probing my scalp and his lips pressing against mine. I was intoxicated by him.
He pulls away from me slowly and there's a sadness etched in his eyes. "Do you want to have a dance with me?"
I balk. I'd expected him to say a million other things than that. But all I do is nod.
He takes my hand and guides me towards the dance floor and I burrow my body next to his as I try and fail to tune out the words of our peers.
"So they're gay? And together? Did anyone see this coming?"
"I can believe Braylen is gay, but Ash? He's slept with half the female population. at this school!"
"Sexuality is a spectrum, Billy! I think it's cute. Enemies to lovers."
"They're the last two people I'd ever expect to be together."
"Fair enough, but it's kind of hot!"
I shake my head softly to clear the words from my mind and he wraps me up into the pose we'd learned during waltz class. The dance was a little awkward considering we both only knew the male parts and since Sebastian can't dance.
Still, we manage. Our bodies mold into each other and we forgo the usual waltz poses and instead, I wrap my arms around his neck, and his around my waist. "You look amazing," he whispers to me, his pink lips barely moving.
I shake my head softly. "I can't believe I just did that."
Sebastian smiles softly. "I can," he whispers back. "I don't think you know how much you've grown, Braylen. I mean, you were never a pushover. Not in the slightest. But you're becoming who you really are, B. I can see it all the time."
I chuckle softly. "I feel different. I feel less afraid. Confident. I think it's because of you."
His smile turns sad around the edges. "It's not me, B. This guy...he was always inside of you. Maybe I helped bring him out but that's it. This was all you."
I gnaw on my bottom lip and curl my fingers around his neck. "Where have you been, Sebastian?"
"I'm sorry," he murmurs. "I've been awful to you in so many different ways. I've pushed you away, used you, and you've barely even complained about it."
I cup his cheek in my hand. "That's because I love you. Sebastian, what's going on? We can work through this."
For a moment, I can see the words forming on his tongue. But then, he scrunches up his nose and sighs. "Did you get in?" he asks, raising his eyebrows.
"What?"
"To Berkeley," he explains. "Did you get in?"
The song changes to another slow one. "Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did." I chuckle softly. "I don't think I'm going to go, though." He raises his eyebrows again in question so I continue. "It's just, like, so much money. And I know Oba would do her best but she has her own children to worry about and there's no chance in hell I'm taking anything my father wants to give me."
"You're being stubborn," Sebastian chastises. "You should take the money, Brayls."
I shake my head once. "No, no, I shouldn't, Sebastian. I never knew the guy. I don't want anything from him."
"But you need it," he whispers back. "You always live your life for other people, Braylen. Do this one thing for you, okay? And if not for you then do it for me. I want you at Berkeley. It's your dream."
I smile softly. "What about you? What's your dream?"
This time, the smile that he gives me is genuine. "I'm already looking at it."
We sway for a little longer and the next time Sebastian speaks, his voice sounds hollow. "Do you believe in happy endings?" he asks, eyebrows pinching together.
I shrug. "I think they're sort of paradoxical."
"Yeah," he agrees. "But isn't everything?" I must look as confused as I feel because he continues. "Isn't life just one big paradox? I mean, we live just to die. I don't think there's such thing as a happy ending. because even if the story ends the way you wanted, you would've lost stuff along the way. The people you wanted to share that ending with may not be there. Paradoxical. Bittersweet. There are no happy endings, Braylen. Only half-happy."
"Half-happy endings," I repeat, tasting the words in my mouth. Something about them didn't feel right; something about this conversation didn't feel right. But I don't say so and neither does he. "I guess you're right."
He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear before catching one of the braids adorning my face. "Hayley did it," I mumble, suddenly feeling my face beat up in a blush.
He continues to move the braid between his fingers. "Send my thanks to her," he says with a smile. "You really do look stunning."
"You do, too," I respond.
Sebastian chuckles once. "I look a mess, Braylen."
I shake my head. "No, I'm serious. You look good. You always do."
"Thank you," he murmurs back and the song changes again.
It's a more upbeat song, but we stay wrapped up in each other's arms. I wasn't ready to let him go just yet. "I need to tell you something, okay?" Sebastian says.
"Is it an explanation for why you've been MIA? Because if not then I—"
"I love you."
My heart immediately stops and a smile creeps onto my face. "I always hoped you did," I murmur. "But that's not everything, is it?"
For the first time all night, he looks away from me. When his eyes find me again, there are tears in them. "I love you so damn much, Braylen. And I was so scared to say that to you because if I did then I knew it'd be real. Not just some stray feeling in my heart that I could ignore but something that could overcome me, if I let it.
"But I think you and I both know that we're not gonna last forever," he says. I open my mouth to object but he continues talking. "I'm not saying that I was never happy with you. God, Braylen, you don't know how much you mean to me. You're the...you're the only thing that makes me wish things were different. But they're not. And they're not going to change."
I shake my head twice. "Seb, I don't understand. What are you—"
"I don't...this thing with Aaron, it's not going to work out," he says, emotion thick in his throat. "I thought that my parents fixed it, I-I thought that this was done, that it was over. But it's not. I screwed up too badly, Brayls, and this time I can't escape from it."
Tears prick at my eyes painfully. So some of those rumors had merit after all. My stomach sinks. "Baby, we'll figure something out. Just tell me what's going on and—"
Sebastian begins shaking his head, clearly telling me to stop. Whatever I was saying he didn't want to hear. My heart chips a bit in my chest as I squeeze him tighter in my arms.
"Listen to me," Sebastian requests, looking at me seriously. "Use your father's money. Go to Berkeley and change people's lives with your words. Meet some guy or some girl and let them love you better than I ever could," he continues, tears openly streaming down his face now. "You need to be happy, B. Promise me you'll be happy."
I grit my teeth and glare at him through my tears. "Why are you acting like this is some kind of goodbye?"
"Promise me?" he pleads.
I pull away from him, letting go of his body. "Why are you saying goodbye?" I repeat.
Sebastian grabs my hand and kisses my forehead just once. "I have to go."
As he pulls away, I stare at his face in confusion. "You just got here. At least say hi to everyone."
He shakes his head. "No, I'm going to go. Send them my love, okay?"
Sebastian gives me a slight nod, sticking his hands in his pockets and turning away. I call out his name once and he turns around, biting on his bottom lip as more silent tears leave his face. In spite of himself, he sends me a smile that I swear could stop time. "I love you," he says. "I always have."
***
I open my mouth to say something back but he's already out the door, his slim figure disappearing from my sight. I stand in the middle of the dance floor with my mouth agape trying to sift through the conversation we'd just had.
We were broken up. That much I was sure of. He was letting me down gently. But something else was nipping at my heart, something worse. It was something I'd felt several times before, the fear of losing him. But this was something else. This was something that I'd only felt in its entirety once before.
That night at Devin's party. When he was on the balcony, preparing to leave the world for good.
My feet are moving before my brain is. I push through the sea of people and out into the cool night, screaming out his name. Only the wind responds to me and I look frantically around the lot for Sebastian's car. I find nothing. "No, no, no," I whisper, turning on my heels.
I head back to the table I'd been seated at, finding my friends chatting amongst each other. Hunter smiles widely as I walk up. "Nice kiss there, earlier! Where's Ash now?"
"I need your keys," I spit, turning to Devin and holding my hand out. I was sure I looked a mess, tears pooling in my eyes and my red cheeks from running. But I didn't care.
Devin raises a single eyebrow. "What's the matter?"
"Keys, Devin! Give me your damn keys!"
Hayley stands up, grabbing my hand. "Hey, B, relax. What's wrong?"
Robyn looks at me with worried eyes. "Give him the keys, Dev. He'll tell us on the way."
Devin slips the keys in my hands and we're all on our feet in an instant, storming out of the Grand Hall as quickly as possible. "What's going on, B?" Robyn presses, shrugging out of her heels and jogging beside me.
"That night at Devin's party, Sebastian was going to jump off the balcony and...k-kill himself," I stutter, my heartbeat picking up.
There are audible gasps behind me. I keep going. "He told me he wasn't suicidal. It was just the drinks and the wear and tear of the day getting to him. I became his friend after that and he looked fine. He seemed good. No, he seemed more than that. I thought he was happy."
We've made it to the car, finally. Devin has to unlock the doors due to my fingers shaking. He insists on driving too. I'm so worn down, I let him. As the car starts, I keep talking. "You should've heard how he talked to me, tonight. I thought he was trying to break up with me or something but he kept going on about me going to Berkeley and being happy and moving on and...it sounded like he was saying goodbye."
My hands shake in my lap and I have to stuff them underneath my thighs to stop. "He said something else, too," I continue. "About Aaron, about how his mistakes caught up to him. He looked so...I don't know."
Devin's face turns white. "Where would he go, Braylen? Where?"
"I—I don't know! The only time this happened was at your house."
Hayley sighs. "Does he have keys? Is there any way he'd get in again, Dev?"
He shakes his head. "No, he doesn't have any way in. Is there anywhere else he'd go? Any other way he'd do this? Think, Braylen."
Think. I gnaw on my lip, my mind flashing back to that night at the balcony, but all I can think about is his lifeless body falling off of it.
Falling.
"Take Marine," I shout and Devin's pulling out of the lot as soon as the words leave my mouth. "He's at the bridge."
"You're sure?" Hunter asks. All humor has left his voice. He sounded completely and absolutely terrified.
I nod helplessly. "We went on a date and he took me there. We stood on the ledge and looked at the water. He's there, I just know it."
Come on, Sebastian.
To Devin's credit, he's driving as fast as possible, even running a few red lights. My heart palpates in my chest and I try to calm down my breath. I keep playing back Sebastian's smile in my mind and pushing away any thought of him dead.
The car ride is silent save for the occasional blinker and muttering from Devin. I squeak out the directions from the front seat but he quickly gives up on asking me to speak; I'd lost my voice.
I know as soon as we reach the bridge that something's wrong. His car is stopping traffic, positioned next to the ledge with the doors squeezed shut. Cars had stopped due to his vehicle but also to crane their neck to see what was going on. Every single one of them was looking towards the water.
Robyn curses underneath her breath and Hayley is telling Hunter to call the police but there's no need. Someone had already done so.
Red and blue light up the bridge, the sound of sirens drumming against my brain and I can feel bile rising in my throat. I push open the door and am out on the street in a matter of three seconds, running towards the ledge. Devin's on my tail, coming behind me and pulling my arms back to keep me from getting too close. "Sebastian!" I shout, my throat hoarse as Devin locks me into a tight hug from behind. "No, please! Somebody help him! Please!"
This wasn't real. This wasn't happening.
The girls and Hunter climb out of Devin's car slowly, sidling up next to us. Devin lets me go and Robyn bursts into my arms, but I don't feel it. I keep my eyes trained on the water, waiting for his head to pop up and for him to look at me.
I'm still waiting even when the search team are going down to check the waters. I'm still waiting when one of the men yells up that they'd found something. I'm still waiting even when Hayley sobs against Hunter's chest and Devin is repeating, "this isn't happening," under his breath.
I want to tell them all to shut up. Tell them that Sebastian isn't dead; this is just some sort of sick joke. But my tongue has turned to jelly in my mouth.
I don't feel my first wave of helplessness until they're laying his body on the stretcher, his skin translucent underneath the bridge lights. I'm moving towards him before Devin can stop me, my dress shoes pounding against the ground.
"You've gotta get out of here, kid," an officer orders, but I ignore him.
Sebastian's bloated body stares back up at me, his blue eyes boring into my skull. He was still in his suit and I could hear the police officers murmuring sounds of dissent. People knew him. Not like I did. The similarity between how he looks now and how he looked when I wiped out that day sends a pang of pain through my chest and I'm backing away from his dead body before I throw up.
You were too late.
The words drum in my brain over and over again as a blanket is tossed over my shoulders, as Robyn is clutching my hand, as they're zipping him up into a body bag and driving him away.
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