"Are you sure you want to?" I ask Clem as I practically lay on top of her.
"I've told you I'm ready. Do you want me to sign a form of consent?" She begins to laugh.
"No...but" Truth be told...I was nervous. I'd never done it before and neither had she. What if I fucked it up? I loved this girl and I didn't want to mess my chances up because my lack of sexual knowledge made me go wrong.
She yanks my collar towards her.
"Trust me, it's going to be fine." She assures me in the most seductive voice I've ever heard. I couldn't help but kiss her. Maybe things would go naturally as my hand slid up her back?
A few minutes pass until I'm finally ready. Was she ready? I had been dating her for little over 4 months and yet it felt like so much longer. I knew that if Luke found out what she was doing he would certainly put a bullet through my head. But this wasn't my idea...strangely this was hers.
"Are you sure I'm not hurting you?" I look concerned as she winces.
"It'll only hurt this time. It's okay, just continue." She tries to convince me. I was terrified as with every movement I made she looked like she was in pain. I felt a lot better when she pulled me down to kiss her, that way I didn't have to look at her pained face.
We were doing all of our dirty deeds back at my house. Where my dad lived. I was pretty sure he was out but possibly downstairs. I attempted to reduce the noise of the bed springs as much as possible. I was 18 though, I could do what I wanted.
I knew she wanted to scream with excitement but I quickly covered her mouth with a small pillow.
"Don't want dad to hear you do we?" I laugh as I pant rapidly.
After my first full on sexual experience I craved more. It was as if my body was telling me that I needed it. I needed her. Everyday I spent with her I realised I wanted nothing more in this world than for us to be together for as long as the universe let's us.
I lay in the bed beside her making sure she felt comfortable as she laid on my chest.
"You were good at that" she compliments with a smile as she traces the abs on my stomach with her finger making me hungrier for more. They didn't mean to be there, lack of food and heavy lifting most likely gave me them.
"Right back at you" I laugh and kiss the top of her head and hold her hand that she was using to trace my body.
"Do you think I could stay here tonight? I don't really want to move." She chuckles lightly.
"I was hoping you'd ask that. I changed the bed sheets especially for you." I smile. It was true, before she came over I had a wrestling match with the duvet and the sheets. I was never good at that stuff, mom always used to do it.
"How sweet" she begins to laugh again. When she laughed it was as if the room got brighter. I loved her laugh.
"We should just move in together. I mean that way we can do this every night without ever having disturbances." I suggest with a smirk. She hits me playfully, I knew she would. I loved it when she did.
"We've been going out little over 4 months and we've had sex once. Then you expect me to move in with you?"
"Of course. Every second of the day without you pains me. Sounds like a terrible 80's film but it's true. I love you more than anything in this world and I never for a million years want that to change." She looks up at me as I speak.
"What if I ever want it to change?" She asks.
"You're breaking up with me?" My heart sinks.
"No! I'm just saying that if anything happened between us you wouldn't be one of them clingy people that stalk me for years after?" She says with a giggle.
"Maybe. Who knows?" I smirk before rolling over so I was facing her.
"You know it drives me crazy when you're this close away from my face and you do nothing." Clem laughs at the fact In was only about 2 inches away from her lips.
"I like to tease you" I chuckle whilst looking into her eyes, lit up by the moonlight shining through the window.
"Well don't" she tries to kiss me but I pull away just to make her struggle without me.
"Patience young grasshopper."
"If you love me you would kiss me." She smirks knowing that she's won the battle. Emotional blackmail was sometimes the worst but also sometimes the best.
I immediately join her side again and press my lips against hers. I pull away slightly so I could speak.
"I'll always love you." I confirm knowing there would be no way in hell I could ever love anyone else like this.
She doesn't reply but I knew what her reply was as she kisses me again but this time more roughly.
I fucking loved her so much.
_._._._._._._
Is that really what you want?" I weep.
"Its what I need. I know what you did to Jamie, it's too obvious and I don't think I could ever learn to accept that." She admits to me keeping a distance between us.
"I...understand." I bowed my head down in sorrow and headed for the door.
"Josh?" I hear her say as my hand reaches the door handle. I turn my head so I can see her.
"What?"
"Stay safe" she sighs picking at her fingernails. Did she think I'd be suicidal or something? Maybe that would be a good option out right now, that way I wouldn't feel this deep dark pain inside of me. Also the fact I deserve it immensely.
"I'll try" I cough and leave the house as I step into the sunset.
The sun was dusty as it set over Wellington. I remember the days when I used to watch the sunset with Clementine on the little spot on the hill. I loved them days and now all I could do was cherish the memories. Would I ever get to touch her again? Probably not. Would I ever get to speak to her again? Probably not.
I had nowhere to go. I had to find Lewis, the only person I trusted at this point. I knocked on the first door I thought to be his and surprisingly he answered.
"Kelly's out now, you can come in" he sympathetically smiles at my face flooded with tears.
I step into the small house I had never been in before...surprisingly. I guess this had to be Lewis and Kelly's place. It was...cozy. I had never experienced that with a house before.
"Me and your mom..." I nearly choke at the thought of it. Why was I such a fuck up?
"Its okay" he reassures me patting my shoulder. Who was the kid here?
"She kicked me out, she's left me. It didn't even feel like the inevitable." I rest my head in my hands and try not to cry. I hated crying it was not following the gender roles of society. It didn't feel right.
"Danny's putting you three on public trial tomorrow. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what went on with Jamie." Lewis announces to make things worst.
"Public trial? The three of us?" My head moves away from my hands and I look at my son.
"You, Lee and Nick"
"He's going to tell everyone everything?" I begin to panic.
"He said something about conforming to the old rules of society. He wants the public to vote on each of your sentences, for example how long." Lewis explains. I'm going to jail? I guess I deserved it....
"I'm going to rot in the basement?" My leg begins to shake, I don't think I could ever do that. It would drive me insane.
"Don't put it like that." He tilts his head slightly.
"Its true, I know I've done bad things but..." I try to defend myself.
"Dad, you've done worse things than Lee and Nick combined. I don't know what everyones reaction will be but Danny really insists its up to the people of Wellington to decide. I don't think he can think of what to do himself. He needs their help to decide your fate..." Lewis explains.
"Fate?" I give him a strange look. What was he trying to say?
"You could be in there for a long time"
"But you know I'm dangerous. I can't be a risk to these people. Not anymore" I sigh as I shake from my nervousness.
"You did what you thought was right. But sadly murder is never really justifiable. Nick and Lee might be able to get away with their crimes and still get out. I hate to say this dad but they're not going to let you off easily." He pats my back. Now was the greatest time to drink but strangely I didn't feel like it, I couldn't be bothered.
"So can I stay here tonight?" I question looking up at my son whom at this point looked extremely like me when I was younger.
His hair flicked to one side and he reminded me of myself when I was his age. The same age I had witnessed Lee be born. The same age I had experienced so much.
"I think you should run." Lewis suggests looking me straight in the eye. He was being serious.
"Run from what?" I ask.
"These people, get out of here. You know you'll just be locked up here. Go to the estate a few miles away, I can bring you supplies every week. It'll work!" He tries to buy me on his plan.
"I don't want you to get in trouble." I shake my head. He could get in trouble himself, maybe even join me in the damn cell.
"I won't. I'd prefer to be able to visit you than whatever the hell will happen to you otherwise! I know the Turner family's pretty fucked but I'll help you get through this. I don't want them to just lock you up and throw away the key. I can't let that happen." He sobs. I know I say this every time but why was I such a fuck up? I have so much, but I waste it. This son in front of me clearly cares about me and that's a first for any of my kids.
"I'm not running away Lewis. I need to be punished. Everything I receive I deserve. If I do get locked away that's years for me to think over my bad choices. Whatever they decide we have to roll with it. I deserve it." I try to calm him down, he was panicking more than me.
"But you usually fight, you can't go down this easily?"
"I usually fight but with all this shit I give up. I accept the fact that I did wrong, your mom will never forgive me. I'll never forgive myself. I give up. Its over." I shrug my shoulders and he just continues to stare at me in disbelief.
"Your own brother is planning to lock you up whatever happens and you're just going to accept that? What happens when you're gone for years?" He asks me.
"I accept that and you're going to run this place. Keep the family name, make something better out of it. I pretty much fucked it up. I know you can recover it, whilst I'm gone you can set everything straight. You're not like me or my dad, you're smart!" I grab both of his shoulders and shake him slightly to make sure the information went in.
"I don't think I can do that..." He pauses and looks across the room.
"I know you can, you can do it for me! Lewis you have so much potential you could really help everything get back to normal here! I believe in you son! You can help these people when they need it, you can make sure rebuilding civilization itself goes smoothly." I turn his head to make sure he's looking at me. I knew he didn't want to because then I would be able to see the guilt in his eyes.
"That's a big ask" he finally chuckles.
"But I'm asking you because I know you can do it! You can look after your mom, your uncles, your sister and even your brother when I'm locked in. We don't even know if I will be locked up yet, we're just assuming. The people in Wellington like me, they might not be so harsh" I shrug trying to be optimistic.
"The truth of you murdering two people will be revealed tomorrow. Lee told us about Jamie and it all makes sense. You're not even denying it. I know its true. That's a lot for them to take in." Lewis strokes his hair back and I try to smile at the habit he must have picked up from me.
This kid, was a good kid. I know that tomorrow I will be shot down. There's no getting out of the inevitable. I understood that the rest of my life could consist of staring at a blank wall but I was willing to accept that.
"Let's just get some sleep, alright? We have a big day tomorrow." I smile once again and he nods.
Tomorrow would determine my 'fate' as Lewis put it.
Goodnight freedom.
**********
Holy shit this was a long chapter.
The storm is coming. I'm so sorry....