Sitting in the passenger seat beside Adam in his car after I've punched him and kicked him, after Elijah has insulted him and headbutted him, is the epitome of awkward.
Much to my surprise, he isn't even trying to talk. We're just stewing in this suffocating tension, the music from the radio our only companion, until we pull into the car park of a little coffee shop not far from where I live. You'd think, after the past six weeks where he's hounded me like a complete nuisance, borderline stalking actually, he'd have something to say. Maybe something simple, like 'horrid weather, isn't it?'. I mean, I'd totally tell him to shut the fuck up, but even so.
We exit the car together, walking in and smiling at the waitress who sits us in a booth against a window. I order a smoothie – to go, just in case things get ugly – and Adam orders a coffee and waffle.
He pays. I don't thank him.
For a while, we sit in a further silence, not even looking at one another, just finding interest in anything around us. Like a chip in the paintwork, or a stress in the leather, or how the clouds hang heavy in the sky, groaning to crack under the pressure that the next few days of rainfall tortures them with.
"I haven't seen your girlfriend for a while. Decided stalking isn't her game, has she?" I ask him in a snarky tone.
He hums in a sort of sad amusement, looking at me with his lips pressed thin. "I spoke to her about it. She said she wasn't thinking - just wanted to make amends. She was going to apologise, but she was worried your zen might've worn off, whatever that means." He answers and to that, my lips twitch with twisted satisfaction. I'm glad I scared her off.
Silence proceeds, dragging for what seems like an eternity, before I take it upon myself to speed up this exchange. "Your fifteen minutes has started Adam." I inform him, arms folded as I lean uncomfortably against the high back of the seat, finally deciding to set my eyes on him. "You better get talking."
He sighs, stretching the collar of his coat slightly as if to allow room for air. "I want to apologise, first and foremost. For me turning up to your house. To your school. To the party. I've just been really desperate to see you and speak to you and explain what happened." He says.
"Apology not accepted." I tell him plainly, raising a brow nonchalantly as hurt passes over his features.
"I also wanted to thank you. For being here. Finally giving me this opportunity to talk with you." He continues, forcing his lips into a tight, pained smile.
"Gratitude ignored." I quip and to that, I see him nip the tip of his tongue with his teeth. "Look, lets get to why I'm here. What do you want?" I urge, nodding stiffly to the waitress that places down our order.
He takes a small sip of his coffee, relaxing slightly as if the caffeine has loosened his nerves. "This is all too late, but I want to apologise for what happened between us. I'll never be able to forgive myself for what I did to you. Cheating – it's vile, despicable, and I know I'm better than that.
"Jasmine, she was different. New. She offered me an escape. A thrill. It seems stupid to say it out loud, but it's what I wanted. Its not that I don't love you, but we were just so serious, you were so serious. We didn't have fun. We were arguing a lot more, struggling to find time for one another. Jasmine could offer me everything you couldn't give me."
"Hang on, did you bring me here to explain, or to complain about how I was a shitty girlfriend?" I interrupt with a hand raised, completely deadpan.
"No, I'm not complaining –" he tries to assure me.
"Well it sure sounds like you are." I interject, edging forward slightly, bracing my hands on the table. "Tell me Adam. If she was everything you wanted, where is she now?" I ask him with a knowing expression. "She left you, didn't she? Seems you're not all that brilliant either."
"She left because she saw I still love you. She saw that while she could give me something else, what I want is you. I'm still so in love with you Charlie. That will never change." He places a delicate hand on my injured one, careful to not apply pressure.
Where there should be sparks, there is nothing. Where there should be warmth, there is emptiness. I feel nothing for this man in front of me. Not even hatred, not even disgust. I just don't want to be sat here opposite him.
"Adam, the image of you laid up with Jasmine will forever remind me of why everything you say is just utter lies." He recoils slightly. "I don't believe a word of what comes out of you. In fact, I'm surprised your arse isn't jealous, what with all the shit coming out of your mouth."
I stand, a smile on my face as I tuck my hair behind my ears. "You're a pig, you're unfaithful and you should know, I'm really going to enjoy this." I pop the top of my smoothie and pour it over his head.
Every last drop.
While he sits, immobilised from the cold, I decide to throw the empty cup right in his face. I dust off my hands, cast a proud smile across the coffee shop at all the nosey onlookers, and then I walk out, feeling completely and utterly liberated.
I don't even blame Hendrix for throwing that smoothie at me. It feels amazing!
If he doesn't get the message now, soaked to the bones in a berry smoothie, he's perhaps more an idiot than a spineless coward. Either way, I'll happy do it again until he manages to get my opinion of him through his fucking thick skull.
I don't like him. I certainly don't love him. How could I when my feelings are certainly invested in another?
~
"I just want to say, I'm so proud of the pair of you." Mrs Ford says as she takes Ellie from my arms, albeit, with struggle. As much as I've hated every second of this stupid project, I'm reluctant to see her go.
I imagine this is how parents feel when their children leave for college or university. Bittersweet.
"I can imagine this has really been a struggle for you guys, what with your strained relationship." I cast a glance over to Hendrix who is smiling at her, not me. If she only knew the half of it, huh Elijah? "But, you're a true testimony to the school, proving that nothing should get in the way of your education." She looks at me then, just as I pull my eyes from Hendrix, and I offer her a tight lipped smile. "Four more weeks guys – then you can simply put this all behind you."
I nod, looking over to Ellie who has been powered down, laid in a trolly with all of the other robo-babies. But I can pick her out among them all. Even though they are identical. She was mine.
Jesus: what is this? I'm getting emotional over a severed bond with a toy. Grow a backbone Charlotte.
"It's certainly been an experience." I manage to tell her, pulling my eyes away from the babies. "It's definitely taught me a few things." I go on to say, my words strained as I think about everything that has happened, all down to Ellie, in the past few weeks.
I've come to realise that while I hated Elijah, I'm certainly more endeared by him now. No, I'm not in love, I just think that maybe kissing him would certainly be more appealing that strangling him these days. This revelation, one for the history books I believe, is all thanks to that little doll. The one that could only be settled by Elijah, forcing me to his house more days that I care to admit. Had me falling asleep in his bed, seeing him when he was at his most vulnerable, noticing his ability to care, for her and me.
Not until now, I realise that all those times I was angry at him because of her, it wasn't because of her at all. It was because I enjoyed spending the time with him and hated when he was doing something else.
She can't take credit for the kiss, although the turn around probably would've been much more romantic had she been there. I mean, we've argued nonstop since. And I mean that, we've argued or ignored one another nearly every day. It aches me that we're now worse off that what we were before, and Ellies not even here to fix it.
"I'm really glad it's been of use to you Charlotte. How are you planning to go about documenting your findings?" I nearly scoff. Well miss, I plan on writing in big bold letters that babies make you have feelings for your arch enemy, and when I signed up for childhood care and development, that certainly wasn't in the fine print.
Instead I just shrug. "We're yet to discuss it."
She sighs. "Well, this is just opinion, but a lot of our pairs are working together and communicating. Though I'm not sure that it's much of a promising option for you." Just as I go to answer and let her know that I'm fine with that, Elijah is first to respond.
"I'm sure we'll be able to meet a similar quality independently." Okay, ouch. I kiss my teeth, raking my eyes over Hendrix once more, but he's still not looking at me. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be straining him to keep his eyes forward. Just look at me. Look at me!
"I'm sure," Mrs Ford says, "but let's not forget that it is a joint project and you will have to collaborate your findings into one succinct piece."
I nod, hoisting my bag up on to my shoulder. "We got it, don't worry." I assure her, before the pair of us leave her classroom. Elijah is a few strides ahead of me, but he's not about to get away. "Hendrix," he ignores me. "Hendrix!" Again, nothing. "Elijah Hendrix!" I call out, stamping my foot like a child. He falters, turning to look at me lazily. "You promised me that you wanted to pass this class!"
He shrugs. "I do."
"Then why are you being difficult?"
He sighs, rubbing a heavy hand down his face. "I'm not being difficult; I just don't have the energy to deal with arguing with you or cope with you throwing tomato sauce all over me for no apparent reason." He explains simply.
"We won't argue. No more pasta sauce." I say, although the sentence tastes foreign on my tongue. The same tongue I have to bite on to withhold the next statement I am so desperate to make, about how really, he did deserve it.
"Really? Because your conversational skills don't often stretch much farther than that." He says, completely unconvinced.
"Honest. I've been doing loads of breathing exercises and I think they're starting to work." I tell him. I'm almost sure his lips twitch with a smile but it's gone in a heartbeat.
"Next week. Don't annoy me till then." I grin wide at him, offering him a two finger salute before I spin on my heels and make my way down to corridor to my next class.
Alright, progress. Considering the pair of us have certainly redacted any stretch in our relationship, this is certainly progress. We were both hellbent on returning to our initial state of hatred and while I know that I don't want that, he was so unbelievably convincing, I can't imagine that he's lying.
I've spent many days wondering if he only said that out of anger because he thought I'd been in touch with Adam again. Of course, then, it wasn't entirely true. Adam had stretched the tale as far as he could take it, failing to mention that our conversation was simply a voicemail where I told him to get his girlfriend to leave me alone. Since however, we have very much been in contact and as much as I know he'd be proud of me for pouring smoothie all over the sorry cause, I don't exactly feel like feeding his ego in confessing that he was right and I do entertain Adam's every advance.
I know now though, it's not because I have feelings for him. It's because I wanted closure. And I got it, albeit not quite the answers I wanted, but the ones I needed. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it was that I was too good for Adam.
If that isn't self-love, I don't know what is. I think my friends, Hendrix included, will be very proud of this revelation.