"I'm sorry."
Korra didn't respond, she just continued pacing nervously.
"I'm sorry."
Again, no answer. But at that point, Asami was just getting it out of her system. Choking it between sobs. She didn't know what came over her, she never hit anyone! Why would she...
Like father, like daughter, right?
"I'm sorry."
She was just like him, just like the person she swore she would never become. And now she ruined the only good thing that had ever happened to her. She always believed Korra when she told her she wasn't a bad person, but she was. Now Korra must've seen it too now. Asami was a bad, horrible person. There was a reason her dad beat her, she always knew it, she just let Korra get to her and believed Korra when she said it's not her fault. But she always knew there was a reason for it all. Always.
"I'm sorry."
Korra stopped pacing. "You need to start therapy again." She said sternly.
Asami raised her head to look at Korra in shock, eyes puffy and red with tears. "What?"
"You need to start therapy again," Korra repeated, folding her arms.
Asami sniffled, hugging her knees even tighter. "Why don't you hate me?"
Korra raised an eyebrow. "Hate you?" She asked, giving Asami a weird look. "Why would I hate you?"
"I..." Asami couldn't look her in the eyes. "I punched you! I'm a horrible person! What are you even still doing here?"
"I don't hate you," Korra sighed, "to be honest, me and Tahno used to fist fight all the time so really, it's not a big deal. I'm just worried, you obviously had a panic attack and freaked out. I'll never be mad over you defending yourself. I'm just saying you need to start therapy, so that it won't happen again. You need help with your PTSD."
"I don't have PTSD," Asami muttered, "I'm just a horrible person."
"You're not a horrible person, Asami." Korras sighed. "It's just your mental health."
"I am a horrible person! You shouldn't stay with me..."
"Asami."
"Don't you get it? I'm just like him! You need to get away from me, before it's too late, I-I don't wanna hurt you..."
"Asami!"
She whimpered, feeling a thumb brush away the tears from her eyes, but this time she didn't flinch. She fisted her hands tightly enough so that she wouldn't.
"You're not like him," she said softly, "you said it yourself, you don't wanna hurt me. That's the difference, he hurt you because he wanted to hurt you, because he's fucking terrible."
Or because I deserved it, Asami thought, but didn't say anything.
"Did you know it was me when you landed the punch?" Korra asked.
"No..." Asami sniffled again.
"If you knew, would you still have punched me?" She continued, her comforting blue eyes staring deep into her own.
"Never." Asami shook her head.
"See?" Korra said with a sad smile. "You didn't mean to, it was just an accident. We just have to make sure it doesn't happen again."
Asami swallowed thickly, her heart thumping hard in her chest. "But how? W-what if I get another panic attack? What if–"
"That's why I'm saying that you need to start going to therapy again," Korra urged, "so that you can work on it. Just like you did before."
Somehow, it sounded like hell on earth for Asami. "No." She said. "No, I don't need therapy, I was fine, I'm supposed to be fine!"
"Asami, you're not fine," Korra said, "this, is not fine. You need therapy so that you'll get better."
"But I was better!" Asami exclaimed in frustration. "I was doing great! I was confident and happy and in love, I was strong and brave and I don't understand why I feel like I'm back tracking now!"
"Because you stopped going to therapy, you stopped working on yourself, and your father got out! Of course you're back tracking, but fuck Asami I have never seen you like this. You never hit anyone! I'm just worried about you..."
"I'm sorry," Asami choked out again.
"It's fine, I shouldn't have creeped up on you, it's a stupid thing to do to someone having a panic attack." Korra sighed. "But you're terrified, what happened there didn't happen to you in so long... you must see that something isn't right!"
"I don't want to go to therapy," Asami said in a small voice, "I hate it there! I don't wanna go anymore..."
"Okay, so how about we switch therapists?" Korra suggested encouragingly. "If the last one wasn't a good fit, we can try another, would that be better?"
Somehow, that was even worse.
"Please don't make me go," Asami sobbed in a small voice, "please don't make me..."
"Asami you know damn well that this can't go on," Korra said harshly, "I'm just looking out for you, you know that."
Asami's bottom lip was quivering and tears were spilling out of her eyes. Of course Korra was looking out for her, she knew that, but why did she have to go to therapy? She's fine! She's just being dramatic, she doesn't actually have PTSD.
But Korra would never accept this excuse...
"Are you going to leave me?" Asami asked in a small voice.
"What? No! Of course not!" Korra exclaimed. "I love you, I'm not going anywhere, okay? I just hate seeing you hurt."
"But if I don't go to therapy... would you?" Asami asked, fingernails digging into her knees.
Korra's expression hardened. "Why would you ask that?" She questioned. "There's no discussion, you are going to therapy. This is what's best for you."
"No it's not!" Asami called out. "It's what's best for everyone but me! Including yourself."
"Huh? How the fuck would it be beneficial for me? Other than my girlfriend getting the help she needs?" Korra asked under a harsh breath.
"Because then you don't have to worry about me!" Asami huffed out. "That's why I agreed on going in the first place! To get you to stop being so anxious!"
Korra gaped at her, then chuckled in disbelief. "Do you think I ever stopped worrying?" She called out, shocked. "I never stop worrying! I fucking love you, got it? I. Am. Always. Worried." Korra emphasized.
"Then maybe you need to go to therapy!" Asami exclaimed.
"Maybe, but you definitely need to!"
"I'm fine!"
"No, you're not fine!" Korra shouted in frustration, making Asami flinch a little. "Punching me in the face because you were scared for your life is not fine! Getting a panic attack out of nowhere is not fine! Calling me a slut just because I used to think you were a daddy's girl is not–"
"I didn't mean that!" Asami interjected, her voice matching Korra's tone. "You know I didn't! It just slipped out–"
"And the panic attack?" Korra folded her arms. "Did it also just 'slip out'?"
Asami gulped. "They were all looking at me."
"So? People look at us all the time."
"It's different." Asami insisted. "They were looking at me because of what happened with my dad. They were looking right at me and all they could see was a poor, child abuse victim. I am not what happened to me! That's not all there is to me!"
"Of course not–"
"I can pay for my own damn sandwiches!" Asami snapped.
"Okay, okay," Korra placed both her hands on Asami's shoulders, "I get why you're upset now, but Asami, we can't just ignore your mental health. You can't stop going to therapy just because you started feeling better, it's like if I'd stop taking some medication early, just because I don't feel sick anymore. Not to mention..."
That got Asami's attention. "What? Not to mention what?"
Korra hesitated. "Asami, I love you with all my heart, and I truly believe that you can and will in fact get better," she assured, "but it doesn't mean you'll stop going to therapy, this is probably for life."
Asami's heart sank. "What?" She asked in disbelief. "So this entire time, you encouraged me to go so that I could get better, and it was a permanent thing?"
"We don't know that for sure," Korra quickly added. "But.... usually people just continue on going to therapy. Honestly it's always beneficial, everyone should go to therapy and work on themselves."
"But I hate it!" Asami called out desperately. "It's torture!"
"Asami, don't you think you're being a little bit dramatic?" Korra suggested carefully.
"I'm not! It's that bad!" Asami almost pulled her hair out of frustration. "Why don't you believe me when I tell you that it's not good for me?"
"That's why I suggested we switch therapists," Korra kept on being annoyingly rational, "what about a support group?"
Asami blinked. "Like, Alcoholic Anonymous?" She asked, confused.
Korra winced. "Uh, same concept I guess, just not for alcoholics," she chuckled, "that way, you get help, and not all the attention is on you, I know you hate that."
Ugh, why did she have to know Asami so well?
"Can I think about it?" Asami asked, her tone defeated.
"At least try," Korra urged, "this can't go on and you know it. You're not okay, your PTSD–"
"I don't have PTSD!" Asami snapped.
"You are literally diagnosed with it." Korra deadpanned.
"It's just a title they gave me so that they'll have ways to deal with me," Asami waved it off, "I'm fine. I'm not traumatized!"
"Asami, pretending you are not mentally ill isn't getting you anywhere," Korra scolded, "working on it can at least make it better. You can be okay, you just need to give yourself a chance."
"I already said I'll think about it," Asami muttered unhappily.
"Okay," Korra nodded, "thank you."
"How's your nose?" Asami asked, cringing at herself for... yeah.
"It's fine," Korra chuckled, "it's good to know those self defense classes are working, because damn. I'm lucky you didn't break my nose."
Asami looked away, guilty. "I'm sorry."
"I forgive you," Korra answered, "I was just worried about you, I have never seen you like this."
"Me neither," Asami mumbled, "I have no idea why I reacted like this... I never..." the words died in her throat. I never hit anyone. Even when I was defending myself. "I'm sorry..."
"You were defending yourself," Korra insisted, "it's a good thing. Well... my face might disagree, but if Hiroshi ever gets any ideas that's exactly what you should do."
"Be honest," Asami still couldn't look Korra in the eyes, "am I like him?"
"No." Korra said sternly. "You're not. You hit me because you were scared, he hit you for no reason."
Here goes nothing. "But what if he has a reason?"
"He doesn't," Korra shook her head.
"But what if he did?" She insisted.
"There never is a reason, Asami. Even if he claimed he had one, it's not a justified one." Korra promised, taking Asami's hand. "There's no excuse for hitting your child, nothing."
"But what if it was a justified reason? What if he did that because I'm a terrible person?"
Korra clenched her eyebrows in confusion. Asami looked at her with a pleading look, though she wasn't sure what she wanted to hear. Did she expect to be told that she was like him? That she was actually a terrible person and that he was right? Was she looking for reassurance? Or did she just desperately need to know?
But before Korra could say anything, the door cracked open, and Lyla came into the room, her expression worried.
Great.
Suddenly Lyla stepped towards her carefully, bypassing Korra without saying a word. Then, she wrapped her arms around Asami and pulled her into a tight embrace.
Immediately, Asami's eyes widened, her heart was beating faster like it used to do before she got comfortable with people touching her. She gave Korra a horrified look, one that clearly said 'help me', but Korra was just as stunned and uncomfortable as Asami looked.
"Lyla," Korra eventually said, her voice a little uncertain, "Asami isn't big on physical touch."
"Oh," thankfully, her roommate pulled away, "sorry, I-I should've asked first..."
Asami exhaled in relief. "It's okay," she said, "um, what brought this on..?"
Lyla's expression turned a little pained, and Asami didn't have to get an answer to understand what was going on, and she sighed.
"I take it you know?" Asami asked.
Lyla pursed her lips together and simply nodded.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked Asami, her voice sounding like she wasn't sure what to do with herself.
"I mean... we got along but we weren't exactly close friends," Asami said apologetically, "I don't go around announcing it to everybody."
"Yeah, okay, that makes sense," Lyla sounded like she was on the verge of tears, oblivious to the way Korra was staring daggers into her, "sorry, I just... sorry."
Asami nodded, not really knowing what to say. "Did you uh... " she hesitated, contemplating whether or not she actually wanted to know. "Did you see it on the news..?"
"Oh, not really no," Lyla answered with a shake of her head, "we talked about it in law class, examining the case y'know?"
Asami's heart sank. "You were talking about me in law class?" She asked quietly. They're literally talking about her in classes? At the exact college she's going to? What the fuck?
Korra blinked. "You're a law student?"
"Uh, yeah, I am," Lyla affirmed, "is it really that surprising?"
"I dunno, you always wanted to run a restaurant, I just assumed you were a business major," Korra rubbed the back of her neck.
Lyla snorted. "Yeah, I wanted to run a restaurant, then I woke up and realized where the money was at."
"Can we get back to the issue at hand?" Asami was starting to lose her patience, and she most definitely didn't need the reminder that her girlfriend knew so much about her ex. "Professors are also talking about me? What the actual fuck?"
"Yeah, I know, it was really hard to stay objective," her roommate sighed, "but my professor at least is on your side..."
"It's not that..." Asami sighed, looking away. "I just... I knew it'll be all over the news but I didn't know it would be such a big deal..." Besides, I expected to get backlash, not to be victimized.
"Of course it's a big deal," Korra said softly, "he shouldn't have gotten out of his sentence, people are pissed."
"I'm pissed." Lyla emphasized angrily. "He had so much evidence against him! Everyone knows he deserved jail time."
"Exactly!" Korra exclaimed. "I took that picture myself! I testified against him! Motherfucking jury..."
Yay, Lyla and Korra agreeing on something. How could my day get any better?
"Just a bunch of sexist, homophobic assholes," Lyla huffed out, "like Hiroshi motherfucking Sato, fuck him."
"Yeah," Korra agreed with a scowl, "fuck him."
"What?" Asami clenched her eyebrows in confusion. "What makes you think he's homophobic? Or sexist?"
Both of them looked at her with a funny expression. "I mean... isn't it obvious?" Korra answered, pursing her lips together.
"My dad is a feminist," Asami informed, "also he didn't know I was gay until he saw us kiss, but he's not homophobic."
"Asami," Lyla gently said, "you do know that's probably why he hit you... right?"
Asami's eyes widened. "What? No! Fuck no! You got it all wrong!"
"Him being an alcoholic doesn't contradict it," Korra quickly said, "but yeah, I'm... pretty sure that's it. Especially with the way he talks to you..."
"That's not why he hits me." Asami shook her head furiously. "You can say a lot of things about dad, but he's not sexist, or a homophobe!"
"Why are you defending this fucker?" Lyla asked in disbelief.
"I'm not defending him." Asami practically spat out. "But that's not why he hits me! He would've done the same if I was a boy! It has nothing to do with me being gay or the feminist struggle, other than the jury not believing me over him!"
"How would you even know that?" Korra exclaimed.
"Because I know why he did it!" Asami snapped, heaving.
Korra was a little taken aback, looking at Asami in disbelief. "He had no reason to hit you." She said sternly. "Even if he gave you one, it doesn't mean he was telling the truth, and it doesn't make it your fault."
"But it is!" Asami called out in frustration. "You keep saying that he didn't have a good reason, and I believed you because I wanted to. B-but you don't actually know why–"
"No reason is a justified reason," Lyla argued.
"But you don't know what it is!" Asami exclaimed.
"Doesn't matter, nothing can excuse it," Korra said calmly, "want me to prove it? Tell me what he told you. I promise you it's not gonna change my mind."
Asami gulped nervously, arms going up to hug herself. Korra couldn't keep that promise, she just didn't know it yet. It wasn't like Asami was keeping it a secret, it's that she denied it as well. But her dad was right, she was a horrible person, and it was all her fault.
"He does it because..." Asami paused to inhale deeply. "Because I got my mother killed. Her death was all my fault."