The car rumbles on in silence as Parker drives. There's a knot in my stomach that I just can't get rid of. Parker hasn't spoken since we got back into the car and we've been driving for at least 20 minutes.
There have been so many times where I had wanted to open my mouth and say something. Where are we going? What are we doing? But I just couldn't. The upset in his eyes when his father had spoken to him in such a horrible way broke my heart. I didn't understand how there could be so many cruel people out there in the world.
Parker grunts and stops the car, abruptly. He opens his door and gets out without saying a single word to me.
He walks about 9 steps into the distance, raises his arms above his head and screams at the top of his lungs.
I quickly unloosen my seatbelt and rush out of the car towards him. He doesn't stop screaming until I wrap my arms around him, pulling him into an embrace.
"It hurts, I know." I comfort him. He's crying now, sobbing into my neck. I could feel his stomach tensing every time he let out another howl. He finally accepts the hug and embraces me back. "It will get better. I promise. I should know. I would know."
We're two sides of the same coin, Parker and I.
I know this feeling all too well. The point where you scream and scream until even your ears are numb to the sound of your own voice. The point where you feel so abandoned and alone, you feel like you're doing the world a favour by not speaking anymore.
"Me and you, we're the same you know." He turns and looks at me. His eyes are fire red but his face was suddenly straight and unreadable. "Your dad is dead and I wish mine was." He laughs a sick kind of laugh where his mouth smiles but his eyes don't.
I blink at him. I know I didn't just hear those words come out of his mouth. "Parker, what the fuck?"
"No, you're right. A bad choice of words." He retracts without a hint of an apologetic tone in his voice. His whole body is tense with anger and his hands are balled into a fist so tight, I can see the veins popping out of his skin.
"Why are you being like this?" My eye twitches as I let go of him and stand with my hands straight by my side. They're trembling. This wasn't how the day was supposed to go. We were meant to be happy.
I knew why he was being like this. People say harmful things when they were upset. I just never thought Parker would be one of those people.
"Oh, come off it, Harls." He spits. He looks like a completely different person right now. His eyes are glassy and his lips are all curled up like a man on a rampage. "Why am I being like this? You saw what was going on in there. Playing happy families looking like a fucking Tesco ad while he forgets all about his real kids! Not even a card or a measly text all...these...years. He forgot about me. He forgot about us, Harley."
"How could he forget?" Tears are streaming down his face and the rough exterior was starting to break down again. "Zach did say I was going to ruin you, just like I ruined Crescent. He was right. I've driven you out to the middle of bloody nowhere away from your family on Christmas fucking day!"
"I wanted to." I say, in a small voice. I don't want to believe what I'm hearing right now. I want to turn around and cover my ears like I used to do whenever Papa would get into his rages and Silas wasn't around to protect me. I feel like a kid again, caught in the misfire of someone I loves misplaced anger.
He's still going. He can't even look me in the eyes as he speaks. "Took your innocence away in a shitty hotel room. They must be worried sick."
My innocence? "I wanted to! That was my choice too or did your ego make you forget that?" I spit back.
Are we fighting? No, it's just the emotions, I'm sure. We'll go back to normal soon, right? That's what always happens in relationships. Just a blip.
He sighs and looks me in the eyes. His beautiful steel eyes were clouded with sadness. "When you look at me, what do you see? Who do you see?"
"Right now, I see a scared little boy. Afraid to open up his heart to the world in case they leave him behind like his father did. I see a boy blaming himself for things that were out of his control and letting his anger and fear of abandonment take a toll on his real-life relationships. That's what I see."
He gulps and rubs the stubble on his chin. I move closer to him. No longer scared. "I see me. The old me. The me you helped get rid of. Now, it's my turn to help you. If only you'd let me."
"Come on, Harley. There's no use lying to yourself. I'm messing you up." I look down at the paint-stained jumper I'm wearing. This is who Parker is to me. An artist not afraid to say what they think. A little messy but overall warm and familiar. He wasn't perfect but he was perfect for me and he was all I had. Just like this sweater.
"You have to look at me, Harley. Look at me! I'm going to ruin you. I'm so scared." He mutters, manically under his breath. As if he was trying to convince himself of what he was saying. "I'm so scared."
I've never seen him like this before.
Cars zoom past us and all of a sudden I start to feel light-headed. I move away from him and stumble a little bit.
Before I knew it, vomit was spewing from my mouth. Nothing made sense. I want to release it all. Not Parker. This is not him. This is a monster his dad created trapped in my beautiful boy's body.
I hear footsteps follow behind me. "Harley, shit, are you okay?" I turn and look at him through hazy eyes. The colour has returned to his face and he looks more like the Parker I love.
Rain had begun to start falling as bulging grey clouds formed in the sky.
"I shouldn't have said those things. I keep messing up, I can't express how sorry I am. I don't know what I'm doing," he apologises. "I wish I was more like you. You're always so strong, even though you're hurting inside."
"Not strong enough sometimes, I was mute until I met you, remember?" I let him hold my hand. "It'll be alright. It has to be, right?"
"I don't know but I know as long as we're together, it will be." We fall to the muddy grass floor and sit there, sobbing together in the rain. "I'll never leave you," He whispers into my ear. "I promise."
"I've got to tell you something." I look at him worried about his reaction to a lie I told a while ago. "My dad death wasn't an accident...he walked in front of the car on purpose. It was suicide. He left me too."
His mouth opens wide in surprise, "Harley, shit, I feel like such a dick. Why didn't you tell me?"
I shrug, keeping my gaze away from his and focusing on a stray stick on the ground. "I was afraid of what you'd say. I was scared it might change your perception of me and instead of seeing me for Harley-Blair, you'd see me as some nutcase who would end up killing herself just like my dad did. I didn't want to scare away the only friend I had."
He touches my shoulder. "I would never think that."
"I know." I sigh. We cuddle closer together, our clothes getting ruined by the mud and the rain but neither of us made any attempt at moving.
"Why does it hurt so bad?" He breathes haphazardly, clutching his chest.
"Heartbreak." I knew it like the back of my hand. "We'll fix it...We always do."
"It hurts knowing that you weren't good enough for them to stick around." He sighs.
A single tear rolls down his cheek and drops onto his trainers. I've never seen him look so lost before. "What if I'm just like him? He abandoned me, I abandoned Crescent and now I'm going to abandon you, Mamma and Rose!"
"What are you talking about Parker? You just said you'll never leave me."
"Italy." His face turns red and now he's suddenly avoiding my eyes."I got the scholarship. I leave in the summer."
"Italy..." I wonder if he could audibly hear the sound of my heart shattering to a million pieces.
"Italy."
"Woah." I can't breathe. So we'd both been keeping things from each other, except his secrets were far more significant. "And you're only telling me this now because?"
If I had more time I could've prepared for this feeling. I could've prepared myself to lose my first love.
"Because I don't ever wanna lose you." He takes my hands in his. My hands are soft and small compare to his stiff, calloused palms. "I'd rather lose myself than lose you. And losing myself is my biggest fear."
"This is big, Parker." My shoulders slump down. "I-I don't know what to say. Congratulations, I truly am happy for you."
"I used the painting of you as my submission piece. The one with the clouds. They loved it, Harley." His eyes shine like never before. His eyes always lit up whenever he spoke about his art, it was like it awakened something in him. "At first, I only wanted to go because of that man but then I realised how much I need to leave Beaumont, Harley."
He bites his lips, worry taking over his face. "Please, don't be angry."
"I'm not..." I shrug and rub my shoulders in the cold. I wasn't angry... I don't think so. "I'm just surprised, that's all. I'm proud of you. I always knew you could do it."
"I'll visit every break and we can FaceTime all the time and you can even come to see me and we can eat gelato and spaghetti and-"
I press my fingers to his lips. "Let's just focus on getting home for now." The lack of sleeping was catching up to me and all I could think about was my warm, sweet bed at home. "We still have quite a long time until you leave so let's enjoy it with no worries, okay?"
"I would stop all the clocks in the world to spend more time with you, Harley. You know that."
I nod. "I know."
"We'll worry when it's time but for now, you're right. Let's go home, Pencils." He puts his arm around my shoulders and we stroll back to the car, holding on to each other for dear life.
I know what this means. It means that Parker and I will no longer be in a relationship after this summer. It means that I will be left behind once again, seeing as I do my A-levels a year after he does.
"So, that's the end, huh?" I sigh, looking at the same moon I've stared at all these weeks we were apart feeling comfort that it was the same moon watching over Parker at night.
"Oh, Harley. We're never-ending, remember?" He was smiling now. A sad smile.
I smile back. The same smile. "Yeah, Never-ending."
It felt like a Dorothy Parker poem.
One of us was lying.
Authors note- What celebrity or face do imagine when you read about Harley-Blair and Parker? I'm curious <3 I cried writing this too.