Boys are showering and dressing after gym. Sam is standing in the doorway of the shower room with his arms folded across his chest to conceal his modestcharms. More or less trying to avoid the eyes of other teenagers. Some may call him a prude but he blames it on his growth spurt that has yet to happen. Sam's shaking his head as be studies the maturephysiques of the senior boys.
"That's unbelievable. I swear to God, Rock had to flunk aboutnine grades." Sam mumbles to himself, looking over at the 6'3 male who's standing underneath a shower head.
Sam takes a glance at his own arms and chest area and then back at Rock. "It truly makes me ill." He rolls his eyes and looks away.
-
Freshmen boys are climbing on board. They're silly androwdy, pushing and shoving. Sam and Randy move in thecrowd of boys, all of them a good head shorter.
"I loathe the bus." He complains to Randy
Sam and Randy board the bus. The Bus Driver, who is dressedlike the weenie boys and wears a Walkman around his neck,is giving high fives to the boys boarding the bus.
He offers his hand to Sam. He regards it with a sneer. He and Randy take their seats. They're surrounded by-dopey Freshmen boys in ugly sweaters and parkas. Thedregs of school society. The only other girl on the busis a weird introvert with a spinal correction neck brace.
"There has to be a more dignified modeof transportation." He complains again, ready to be home where he can be alone and mourn how awful his birthday was.
"I hope you get a car for your birthday.And a driver's license." Randy turns to him hopefully.
Sam laughs. "Let's not hold our breaths."
Sam and Randy focus on the seat in front of them.
"On second thought . . ." Sam trails off.
They take deep breaths and hold their noses.
Three freshman boys in the seat in front of them are turned around to face them.They're smiling with disgusting mouthfuls of braces and jockstraps on their heads. They raise electronic ray guns andfire at Sam and Randy.
They both shudder with disgust, swearing that they were nothing like this when they were freshman.
The school bus pulls up and stops. Randy climbs down.
"Call me, okay?" Sam yells out the window at Randy.
"You call me first and tell me whathappened at home." She replies.
"I'll tell you right now. Nothing." He smiles sadly.
Randy glares up at him from the sidewalk. "Quit feeling sorry for yourself. It's bad for your complexion."
Sam laughs as the bus pulls away.
It's just Sam, the neck brace girl and one freshman weenie,the Geek. He's skinny and small with a cheap haircut, animitation LaCoste shirt, baggy Levi cords, tennis shoes withdark socks and a nylon backpack filled with books. He strollsdown the aisle and sits next to Sam. He gives Sam his sexiestlook calves' eyes and a metal-mouth smile.
"How's it goin'?" The Geek slides into the seat next to him, to close for comfort in Sam's mind.
Sam looks over annoyed. "How's what going?"
"You know, things. Life and whatnot." the Geek shrugs.
"Life is not whatnot and it's not of your business." Sam tries to scoot father away but small bus seat doesn't allow for much movement.
The Geek ignores his attitude. "Are you going to the New Faces dance tonight?"
"That's also none of your business."
The Geek puts his arm up on the back of the bus seat, crowding into Sam's side.
He gives him a flirty look. "What's the story? You got a guy?"
Sam looks at the Geek with an angry, threatening squint.
"Three big ones and they lust forwimp blood. So, quit bugging me orI'll sic them all over your weenieass." He warns.
Geek scans Sam's body language. "I'm getting input from you that I'mreading as relatively hostile."
"Fuck off!" He yells back, about ready to throw this nosy freshman off the bus.
"Woo! Definitely hostile. What'sthe problem? I'm a he, you're a he.I'm attracted to you. I see youeveryday. I think about you frequently. Is there something wrongwith my trying to put together somekind of relationship?" He questions sincerely.
The bus stops. Sam gathers up his things. The Geekreaches out and takes his arm.
"Just answer one question." He looks up at Sam.
"Yes. You're a total drag." He tries to shake the Geek off of his arm.
The Geek holds on, refusing to let go. "That's not the question."
Sam jerks his arm away.
The Geek raises an eyebrow. "Am I turning you on?"
Sam stares at the Geek for a moment, mouth open in shock, then hurries down theaisle of the bus and exits. He's confident that because he actually conversed with him, Sam likes him.
"Encouraging, very encouraging." Geek whispers to himself.
-
Sam shuffles up the walk to the porch. The door opens andthe ladies stream out. A couple smile at Sam, most don'trecognize him. He stands to the side and plasters apolite grin on his face as he waits patiently for them toclear the door. Brenda and Ginny stand in the door andwave.
"Thank you so much. Thank you. You're all incredibly kind." Ginny waves, plastering a fake smile on her face.
"Thank you for coming." Brenda yells after them.
As soon as the ladies are out of earshot, Ginny leansagainst the doorjamb and groans.
Ginny rubs a hand over her stomach. "I sincerely want to puke. His relatives are animals."
She slides back into the house. Brenda looks at Sam.
"Why didn't you say hello to them?" She accuses.
Sam rolls his eyes. "They didn't say hello to me."
"Don't be smart with me Samuel."
Brenda goes back in the house. Sam shakes his head indisbelief.
"I have entered a dimension beyondall time and space ...." He says sarcastically before following his mother back into the house.
-
Sam trudges up the stairs anxious for the solitude of his bedroom. He reaches the top of the stairs and throws up his free hand in dismay.
Sam's grandparents, Jim's parents, Howard and Dorothy Bakerare changing out of their travel clothes. They're in theirearly seventies. They're sweet and kind but pampered andparticular. Dorothy's in her gigantic bra and slip. Howard'sin his undershorts, undershirt, socks and garters. They'reputtering around unpacking.
He turns slowly to try and sneak back down without gettingnabbed by the grandparents. A creaky stair gives him away.
Dorothy and Howard turn around. They're startled untilthey recognize Sam. Howard reaches for his pants.
"Samuel!" Dorothy shouts excitedly.
"Sam. . ." He mumbles under his breath.
Howard moves closer, reaching out for a hug. "How's my little pumpkin."
"Fine, Grandpa. How are you guys?
Howard gives him a hug and passes him to Dorothy who bearhugs him. Sam grimaces as he's engulfed in his grandmother's arms.
"You're sleeping up here?" Hoping that this is just some misunderstanding and he'll get his room back.
Howard snorts. "Your grandpa Fred jumped our claim on Sara's room."
Dorothy releases Sam. He steps back out of hugging rangeand discreetly smells his shoulder to see if Dorothy's lefta noticeable scent.
"Be fair, Howard. You got the garage for the. Oldsmobile." She reminds him
Sam drops a major hint about his birthday. Knowing that grandparents could never forget such a big event for their grandson.
"It's a nice day isn't it? September fifteenth." He mentions.
"A little nippy, if you ask me Samuel." Completely misunderstanding what he was implying.
Dorthy cuts in. "I hope it isn't cold tomorrow. Youknow Ginny. She'll refuse to wear ahat and coat over her wedding dress."
Sam's face drops as he realizes that they, too, have forgotten his birthday.
"I'm going to set myself up in Mike's room." He says, making his way back towards the stairwell, trying to not let his disappointment show.
"Okay, sweetie. Grandpa and I look forward to a long, long visit with you." She yells after him.
He forces a smile. "I can't wait."
Sam comes down from the third floor.
"This has to be a joke. I swear to God." He groans, leaning against the wall trying to think of anyway this day could get worse.
"Grandparents forgetting a birthday, they live for that shit."
Sara's door opens and Brenda's dad, Fred Addison, comes out.He's a jolly, robust man in his late sixties. His fashionmodel is Sam Snead.
"Hey! Hey! It's Samuel Baker Davis Jr. !"
Sam fakes a smile. "Hi, Grandpa."
Fred's a wise guy. An ancient ham whose sense of humor iscompletely lost on Sam.
"Knock! Knock!" He nudges Sam waiting for a response.
He plays along. "Who's there?"
"Who!" Fred replies back.
Weary of the hoary old joke, Sam responds. "Who? Who?"
Fred leans back into Sara's room.
"Helen? There's an owl out here in the hall." He yells into the room while laughing at his own joke.
Fred snorts and grabs Sam. He tickles him. Sam loathes it. Helen Addison comes out of Sara's room.She's an attractive and somewhat chic older women.
"Fred, you'll me him wet his pants tickling him like that!" She scolds.
"Aw, come on, Helen!"
Helen swats his hand. He snorts again and releases Sam.
She pushes Sam back and examines him at arm's length.
She clicks her tongue. "Oh, my." She turns to Fred. "Look at his nipples, they're so perky!"
Sam blanches with horror. He guesses puberty decided to grant him with swollen and tender nipples on his birthday. A change he wish hadn't occurred. "Why couldn't I just grow a couple inches." He thinks to himself.
He quickly scurries away from his prying grandparents as soon as possible and enters Mike's room.
A typical boy's room with posters and sports equipment andbunk beds. Sam walks in, closes the door, walks over tothe bed and flops down on the bottom bunk in exaggerateddespair.
"I can't believe my grandmother actually felt me up." He stares shockingly at the bottom of the top bunk above him.
He closes his eyes. A head pops up on the top bunk and looks over the side.
Sam's eyes are still closed but he feels a presence. His eyes open
The head of a teenage oriental boy is hanging over the top bunk, looking at him upside down.He's dopey-looking with big black rim glasses, and long,straight hair. His name is Long Duk Dong.
"What's happening, hot stuff?" He says in a thick accent.
-
Brenda's dressed for the dinner at the club. She'sputtering around the kitchen, cleaning up, checking thedinner in the oven. Mike's sitting at the kitchen tablewatching television.
"His name is Long Duk Dong and hecame down with Grandma and GrandpaBaker." She explains. "He's an exchange student that's living with them.
"He's completely bizarre." Mike states.
Brenda quickly turns around. "He is not! He's a very sweet boy."
Sam walks in, completely resigned to the fact that the house has gone crazy.
"I don't suppose it makes anydifference to you, but there's avery weird Chinese guy up in Mike'sroom." He questioningly looks at Brenda.
"Ginny dumped Rudy. He's her new fiance." Mike snickers.
Brenda slaps him on the back of the head. "Mike! Stop it!" She looks over at Sam. "Will you help the grandmothers with dinner?"
Sam drops a hint about his birthday again. "Is there any reason I should stay home tonight." Thinking that his parents might be throwing him a surprise party.
Brenda looks over at him weirdly. "I think it'd be nice if you visited with you grandparents and Long Duk Dong."
"Who?"
"The weird Chinese guy in Mike's room." Brenda replies.
Sam sighs in disappointment. "I think I have a dance to go to."
"Can you remember to turn off the stove in ten minutes." ignoring Sam's comment.
He glares at Brenda. "I can remember lots of things."
Brenda looks puzzled at Sam, then decides she doesn't havethe time to unravel teenage mysteries and exits. Sam sitsdown.
"This is the single worst day of my entire life." He lays his head down on the table and rests his arms over his eyes.
Mike pokes Sam's arm. "What are you bitching about? I haveto sleep underneath a Chinaman namedafter a duck's dork."
Sam's head shoots up. "Where am I sleeping?"
"Sofa City, sweetheart." Mike says with sadistic glee.
Sam bangs his head against the table, the noise echoing around the room.
-
Ginny's getting dressed for the dinner at the club. She'sin her panties and bra. Sam's laying on the bed looking atthe wedding dress hanging on the open closet door. He toys with the lace.
"Do you think Grandpa Fred's going to embarrass me?" She turns around to face Sam.
"I don't know why not. He does it to everybody else." He replies, annoyed at why his sister wanted to talk to him in the first place.
She looks deep in thought. "He asked me if Rudy was the oily variety bohunk."
Sam tries not to laugh. "Is he?"
"Don't be cute." Ginny snaps at him. "I'm so paranoid. Iknow everybody'd be happier if I wasmarrying a white bread. Aunt Gracepulled me aside at the luncheon andtold me that every family like Rudy's,no matter how straight, has a thugin it. She said it would be impossible to divorce him and live toenjoy it."
"She's senile." He simply responds.
"I really love Rudy. And he loves metotally." She dreamily states. "I've had guys who lovedme, but Rudy is like flipped-out.Even after six months."
Ginny's casual attitude toward romance reminds Sam of howromantically bankrupt his own life is. Ginny has longenjoyed an overabundance of boyfriends. She has noconsideration of how Sam might feel.
"I think I'm in love." Sam timidly mentions.
Ginny sits down next to Sam and puts on an annoyingmotherly front. She speaks to Sam like he's a child.
"That's really sweet, Samuel, but Rudyand my love isn't a going steadything. It's mature, adult love.We're getting married. This is it.The big time. When your turn comesaround, you'll understand what I'msaying."
She quickly refocuses the attention on herself. She standsup and models her full bust in the mirror on the back ofthe door. She drops the subject. Sam stands behind herand checks himself in the mirror.
"You don't have to get married to be in love." Sam points out.
Ginny sits down at her dressing table and begins her makeup.
"Of course not. But there's different varieties of love. Whatyou're experiencing is puppy love." She makes eye contact with Sam in the mirror and winks at him.
He rolls his head so far back in his head, he thinks they might get stuck. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. So. How long have been in love? A day? A week?" She pauses, turning around. "Ten minutes?"
Sam doesn't respond. He's angry at Ginny's insensitivity.
"How long? How serious." She continues.
Sam sheepishly shrugs his shoulders up to his ear, turning the page in the magazine he was looking at. "It hasn't really happened yet."
"You mean you're in love. Has he told you he loves you?"
"Not exactly." He mumbles.
"Are you dating?
Sam reluctantly replies. "No."
"Well, are you doing anything?"
Sam shakes his head. Turning the page once again.
-
There on the table sits a steaming hot quiche. Dong is bent over the food, studying it. He looks up, his glasses steamed over. He's amazed and impressed by the quiche.
"Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie." He says.
The grandparents, Mike, Sara, Sam and Dong are sitting atthe dining room table with their TV dinners.
Mike looks at him weirdly. "It's quiche"
Puzzled, Dong looks across the table at him. "How you spell?"
"You don't spell it, son, you eat it." Fred jokingly says, slapping Sam's back, trying to get him to laugh at his joke.
He looks at Sam and rattles his dentures for his amusement. He's hardly amused. Dorothy doesn't take kindly to Fred'streatment of Dong. Dong smiles at Sam. He returns apolite smile.
Dorothy notices the exchange between them. "Long Duk Dong's about your age, Sam. You two should have lots to chat about." She encourages.
"I love visiting with Grandma andGrandpa and writing letters to myparents and pushing the lawn mowingmachine so Grandpa's hernia is somuch disturbed." Dong explains.
Howard chimes in. "He also does the dishes and helpswith the laundry."
"Where Dong comes from, young people respect and admire senior citizens." Dorothy looks pointedly at Mike.
Sam rolls his eyes. Mike looks at him, motions to Long DukDong and raises his eyebrows mockingly suggesting Sam make aplay for Dong. He curls his lip at Mike and pushes backfrom the table.
"Can I be excused?"
"Where're you going?" Helen asks surprised.
Sam starts to clear his plate from the table. "I have a dance at school."
Helen looks down sadly. "I thought we were going to make popcorn and play the Twister."
"This is an important dance. We're graded on it. For gym." Sam bullshits, not wanting to stay around the house any longer.
Sam slowly tries to make his way out of the dining room. "Wait a minute, Samuel." He stops in his tracks. "I've got a wonderful idea." She looks over at Dong. "Would you like to go to the dance with Sam?"
Sam's eyes bulge in horror. Dong snaps his fingers.
"Super!" He shouts excitedly.
Sam mouths a distraught "Oh, my God."