CHAPTER 11
New York, 1952
"Kiss the hand of your enemy if you cannot chop it off."
Beth's eyes shut up from her book, a huge frown spread across her features, clearly showing her confusion about Violet's words. "Come again?" she spoke, her eyes going back down to her shamefully cheap, tattered book.
Violet stood, not too far away from the redhead, in front of the mirror, where she'd been staring at her own reflection for the past few minutes. It was past midnight and also their last day in Paris. She hadn't been surprised to see that Benny wasn't actually in Paris. From what she'd been aware of, Benny Watts was just an ordinary — yet purposeful and strong-wild man, with a little bit of haughtiness in the corner of his mouth, chess champion.
So, why would he bother himself — and Cleo, just to make it look like he cared and blow it off, right?
When the brunette had finally given up on staring at her boring pyjamas, she spun around, her back now facing the mirror. As she was able to see Beth again, ready to shed light on her question, Violet's eyes caught a glimpse of what her friend was reading. Her eyes widened at the sight of it, which caused her to walk over her and take the empty spot on the bed.
"You seriously need to read his book? It's not like you need it."
"You seriously need to say nonsense out loud?" Beth replied off-hand.
"Wait," she occurred again. "I asked you first."
Violet tucked her bottom lip between her teeth, giving up the tough act. "And It's not nonsense," she said, outraged by her response.
"If you envy someone for having something that you're unable to earn or acquire, you can either be jealous or you can either admire him for it. They want something from you as well," Violet explained, despite Beth hadn't requested any clarification from her.
"Mhm," She let out a sigh and put the book and the small chessboard back on her nightstand. "Uh, have you opened the letter yet?" The redhead let their conversation digress into something much more delicate for both. Violet had been knowing about Beth's feelings towards Benny, the situation, their relationship and obviously her feelings about her. She wasn't a pro at hiding what she felt but maybe if Beth wanted to, Violet could bet she would hide more things from her. Besides her prodigy title, Beth had a discerning eye and good sense.
"I'm not even sure that it's a letter," Violet's gaze shot back to the envelope, ignoring the fact that Beth had managed to change the subject without hesitation. She didn't mean to put any pressure on her anyway. "Looks like one, though. Why?"
"Aren't you curious?" Beth answered fast, her reply followed by a shrug. "It's been hours."
She had her hands on her stomach, sometimes looking up at the ceiling. Violet was still sitting in the same spot, feeling extremely cream-crackered, expecting her brain to shut down at any moment. Their last days in Paris had been quite fun, but there was always an hour, or perhaps a few minutes, where Violet's thoughts would get guided by curiosity, empathy, love and compassion. She hadn't opened Benny's so-to-speak present 'cause anytime her gaze would land on it, a wave of fear was taking over. A new thought was born in her mind, of what ignited the passion into defensive mode, which she feared. She feared that passion, her feelings, she didn't want to fall back into that pit, to fall for him. Fall for his movements and gestures, his brilliance, his way of being. She was lucky that Benny's attempt had failed because Violet was vulnerable and craving for someone to be by her side, help her, and love her, more than Beth or anyone had done. She couldn't remember how love felt and she had a strange hunch that Benny could show her.
"Well?" Beth asked.
No response.
"V?"
Nothing, again.
"Violet," Beth firmly tried to get her attention back.
"Hm?" Violet replied, absentmindedly.
"Why didn't you open it?" Beth's words went through Violet's ears like a dagger through the stomach, making their way to her brain in a few minutes instead of seconds. "The envelope."
It took some time for the brunette to process. Her attention had been stuck between reality and ideal. She had it drowned beneath a huge mass of thoughts and it seemed like even Beth couldn't access it, and the only way to escape consisted of actions. She was the only one left in her life and Violet wanted to put even more effort into their friendship. Violet was not going to let anyone, not even Benny's failing attempts to approach her become an enemy to them. She couldn't be that selfish. They had something special, untouchable, priceless and too powerful to be ruined. Violet was, in fact, much more scared of losing Beth than being heartbroken over a fantasy, a stupid thought that would casually play with her head.
What the hell was going on with her mind?
"Well, if you're not planning on talking, have fun with your nonsense," Beth added in a hoarse tone, clearly disturbed by Violet's behaviour, which had been already confusing her for the past minutes.
Violet gave herself a tiny break from her moment and reached out for Beth's wrist. "Sorry," she immediately tried to make up to her. "I'm a little stressed over this whole thing and I don't even know why I care so much about it 'cause I should've thrown this in the first trash I saw the moment we left the restaurant."
"I thought you were still mad at me," Beth cracked her neck, lifting her hand to her scruff.
"I never was," Violet chuckled, her lips revealing another weak smile, "Yeah, maybe you should have told me that Benny called, we really did have a fight before our match, and I kind of wanted to hear him apologize," Violet whispered the last part in a playful manner, which caused Beth to let out a nervous giggle.
"He never said he was sorry. But I assume that's why he wants to see you," Beth pointed out, her eyes travelling across the room to the envelope.
A short moment of silence settled in, trying to let them both decide what do to next and whether to open Benny's envelope or go to sleep and ignore that he even tried to reach out for Violet, though the girls knew this wasn't an option — as much as they liked to believe they were careless enough to throw it away. The brunette didn't let another minute pass and quickly clutched it from the nightstand, ripping the paper out.
"Plane ticket."
"And a letter."
A short exchange of looks was enough for Violet and Beth to know which was for whom to see. There was no name on the letter, not even a "Dear Violet", just his name, down in the right corner. It had so many crease lines, all of them fluffy to the outside from so many times being folded and unfolded. The paper was soft to the touch. Violet's eyes caressed the strokes of the pen, trying to figure out when did he write this, seeing the personality behind the strong lines and heavy punctuation marks. She felt as if he could step through that piece of paper into their hotel room.
"Violet, there's one ticket here. To New York."
She ignored that her heart could explode at any second and began to read Benny's letter, her fingers shaking over the piece of paper, warning Beth that she wouldn't be able to focus on two things at a time, referring to her voice. Those feelings of hers channelled through her soul, making Violet even more nervous than she had been. Her eyes were pleased to read such beautiful expressions with yet some ordinary meaning. It was an informal letter. Clearly, Violet's head was processing his words differently now that she knew Benny had earned a huge spot in her brain.
"He wants me to come and stay at his place for a few weeks. Before he attends the Championship in Ohio. He says we should solve our misunderstandings," she explained carefully like she was trying to make Beth understand when, in fact, she was just putting herself up with the news again. "Oh, and no apology," Violet put the letter beside her. She hadn't realized until she felt a small amount of blood in her mouth, but she'd been chewing on her lip for the past minutes, maybe half an hour.
Violet sighed, resting her head on Beth's shoulder. "Told ya he wouldn't come to Paris."
"Yeah, well, your plane leaves in two hours."
✩
When she was little, the aeroplane felt like home to Violet, she'd flown in them so often. She could curl up and sleep as easily as dozing on the couch. The engines roared and the winded buffeted, it was his sky-born cradle, rocked by the winds far above the ground. Even as the engines turned, her brain relaxed into dreaming mode, there were thousands of miles to go and all she had to do was let this technological bird fly her there.
She was used to them. Violet always liked to say one of her father's wise words that would always make her feel at ease. There's danger in everything, you can either avoid it or take risks; Death is a tragedy in the young and a right of passage for the old and so it brings different kinds of mourning. Everything happens for a serious reason we may or may not find its meaning.
Violet and Beth hadn't been allowed to think too much about Benny's suggestion. Violet knew how wrong and right it was at the same time, leaving Beth alone on her way back to Kentucky and seeing Benny in New York, just the two of them. She had a tiny hunch of where this path could lead, but Violet had always been adept at denying the truth. She wanted to solve their issues as well, even though he didn't deserve even a minute of her time after what he'd said.
There was something about Benny that she missed. There was this particular thing about him that everyone had probably noticed before, but it had a different impact on her. He acted the same with everybody and he was talented enough to make it look like it. But dammit, Benny Watts had his weaknesses when it came to Violet, he had to. Perhaps it was the first time someone wasn't looking at her for the challenge she'd been seen as.
New York was a city of wide avenues and small places to sit and eat. There were the sky towers in the centre, what was once thousands of homes now took up less ground space than an old shopping mall. There were parks and wild spaces, a chance to walk among nature or enjoy the trails on bicycles or horseback. Yet, perhaps her favourite thing was the river that flowed through the centre, crossing the bridges, pausing just to look at the view. Besides the noisy honks and loud voices that described New York perfectly, Violet liked the change of scenery, although Paris was rich even in the poorest places and nothing could compare with France's surroundings.
"You haven't changed a bit."
"Hi, Benny."
Violet was greeted by the same Benny Watts, cowboy hat, leather jacket, a plain black t-shirt and the exact same words he used when they met in the elevator — this time making the reference to her looks instead of behaviour. She wasn't too different from the last time they'd seen each other, indeed, and she could say the same about him.
Violet put the few rebel strands of her hair behind her ears with her free hand as she watched Benny open his trunk. His car wasn't big, but it looked spacious enough and decent for a man who lives alone. He really was the loner type. "Was everything all right? Did they make you pay extra for the food or something like that?" Benny began. "Last time I chose this company everything went as smoothly as possible."
She put her luggage in the trunk before Benny could help her. "The flight was fine."
"Okay," Benny replied with a nod.
"Yeah."
"Are you all right?"
Violet turned her head, their eyes finally meeting. Luckily, she'd been through this emotion before so she was prepared for those butterflies in her stomach. She couldn't say they were making it worse because, to be honest, she liked it. "Yeah, all good."
The road to his house was quiet and to Violet's biggest surprise, there was nothing awkward about it. It was like they both needed some time to get used to each other's company, which she understood and Benny didn't look bothered either. He was calm, or at least he knew how to make it look like it. Benny knew he'd done something pretty awful when he had to work so hard to send that letter and plane ticket, that obviously cost him a good amount of money. The more demanding the reparations his subconscious required the worse he knew it was. But no one was going to stroke his ego, and no one was going to write that letter for him. Now it squeezed at his brain, obliterating the thinking he needed to wheel and deal. He had to either get tougher or start listening to his conscious, this middle-ground guilt was no good to anyone.
Due to the fact that it was pretty late in the night, they reached Benny's place in only fifteen minutes, which was a relief for Violet, considering the fact that she didn't particularly enjoy travelling by car. Benny walked over to the car door and opened it for her, searching for his keys right after. "I, uh, might have some leftovers. Or I can make you some spaghetti real quick if you're hungry."
"Leftovers are fine. I am really tired."
Benny bit on the inside of his cheek again, "Alright."
Violet left him high and dry every time she had the chance to. Yeah, she had accepted the ticket to New York so they could talk through the situation in real life instead of using the telephone so one of them could hang up if things got heated — though she couldn't let her guard down. She wanted their sort of thing back but Benny couldn't earn it that easy. As much as she'd been warned not to turn everything into a game, Violet couldn't help herself and not play hard-to-get-back. But right now, she was at a loss for her next move.
"Hey, uh, Violet?" Benny asked as soon as they entered his small, bare cheap home, catching her gaze staring at him again.
Violet gave a snort in response. "You really wanna do this right now?" She replied in such an apprehensive manner, which caused Benny to stop what he was doing. He wasn't confused, he was perfectly aware of what Violet meant. He sensed a bit of anger in her tone too but he didn't lose his temper.
"Easy there, tiger. I wanted to tell you that there's something for you to eat on the counter while I make your bed," Benny cleared his throat, "But I do am-"
"I know, you're sorry. I'm sorry too for not keeping my promise. Coming here, forgiving you. But sometimes maybe you should just give in and let yourself be guided by feelings. It sounds insanely silly, but that's why I am here right now," Violet explained.
"What are you talking about?"
Violet put her luggage down. "I mean that I am not a coward anymore, Benny, and you've probably noticed already. And I know you said it because you thought I didn't have the guts to kiss you that night. But let me tell you something, I was at my lowest and that meant we were both going to take advantage of ourselves. My problems were not going to magically disappear if we had sex and neither were yours, but I wanted to. Believe me, I wanted to escape, even if it was just for ten fucking minutes," she sighed, her voice shaking."I also know you feel sorry now because if you weren't, you wouldn't have paid for this ticket and made Cleo find me and Beth in Paris."
Benny took a step closer. "You said you don't want to do this right now."
"No, I never said that. I asked you. Maybe I made it look like I didn't but it's very much against my liking to hold this any minute longer," Violet slightly snapped again.
She instantly regretted her words. The guilt sat not on her chest but inside her brain. What she had done she could not undo. She could make amends in subtle ways, but the confession was out of the question, even to her priest.
"I came here because I realized it wasn't you talking, it was just your alter ego. Feel free to deny it, but I hurt your pride," Violet added.
Benny ran a hand through his dirty blonde hair, "You're probably feeling like you know me by now, getting a feeling for who I am, and what my background might be. But you don't know, not really. I can tell you things about me later on, things no one else knows just to show you that I've made mistakes too, that I can get angry, feel vengeful and hate. I can show you my own darkness. I haven't been "fully awake" since childhood, that's over twenty years of "sleeping," plenty of time to make mistakes, and have regrets. I still make errors in fact, but I'm learning to reduce them bit by bit. Knowing more doesn't make you perfect, on the contrary, it shows you just how imperfect you are and how much there is to work on."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Violet questioned, craving answers.
Benny smirked disappointedly. "It means that I am not a coward," he mocked her. "I couldn't take advantage of that either, Violet, that's why I didn't try anything," he clarified. "You didn't hurt my pride, many people live with that impression. I'm a chess player, a good one. I don't act this way because I want people to look upon me, I do it because that's how I am."
He beat her at her own game, at her own match.
"You still didn't tell me why you had to be a jerk."
"Because, Violet, you're different. One of a kind," he stated, leaning his back against the wall, arms crossed at his chest. "When I saw you, I felt like I found the missing piece of my puzzle and believe me, I am complicated. But don't get me wrong, there's a lot of special women I've met. Even better, I can say."
"Seriously?"
Benny shook his head. "Neither made me feel that I can fill up a void just by being in their presence. For example, you are not a bigger challenge than Beth and I usually go for that, the biggest prize, the toughest rival. I thought that Harmon was going to intrigue me so much and it turned out you did that to me instead."
"May I ask you why?"
"You're the one who should give me an answer to this."
The moment she realised she'd misinterpreted his actions, his words, his expressions for so long as if he'd been speaking a language she couldn't understand, that moment her words stopped. It was the moment her heart broke and yet it was a good breaking, the type that leads to healing and new ways onward.
"I am sorry, Violet."
Violet knew words were not enough for her to show him that she felt sorry too and that she understood all of his reasons. To be honest, it wouldn't have mattered if she hadn't because she was craving challenges just like him, and kissing Benny was the first thing that popped up in her head, so she did it. She pulled him by his arm, closer to her body and crashed her lips onto his. In that moment of the kiss, their chemistry became an ever-bright flame. From that slow burn, the fire ignited and led them both to a safe space, a space they had only for themselves, at least for a night.