"I imagine not," I say about to clear our plates, but Cat grabs a hold of hers.
"I'm not finished, yet. With the food or the conversation. Please, sit down."
I really don't want to do this right now. I want to straighten things out between Cat and I. Emotionally though I wish I could push this off, but seeing no way out I sit back down.
"Cat, I've only recently found out about Tina from the letter my father wrote. He told me how vital Tina has been in taking care of my Mom and even him through his bout with brain cancer."
"Tina knew we are legally related, but she didn't know how to hit me with this news, with everything else I already had going on."
"Doesn't it stand to reason, that the affection William witnessed between Tina and I is taken out of context? Similarly, to those photos, Liam's father had taken of me," I propose.
"Yes, but William is a really good judge of character. He's seldom wrong. I think it would be unwise to ignore his advice."
"Oh, really! Then Liam does want you and I should be concerned."
"No! That's not what I'm saying," Cat is quick to respond.
"So, William's only an excellent judge of character when he's talking about someone interested in me, then? That's convenient." I stand up, taking my plate and William's, and walk into the kitchen. I'm ill-equipped to have this conversation. If I keep talking, I know I'll end up saying something I'll regret, but I don't get a reprieve as Cat follows me into the kitchen.
"Alex. All I'm saying is that I'd seen it too."
"Seen what?" I want to know.
"The way Tina looks at you. How guilty she appeared when I caught her with her arms around you in your brother's bedroom. You must face the fact that although she's now your sister, she's not blood-related. There is nothing to stop her from developing feelings for you."
"Nothing except, she has someone else she's in love with! Someone, she's engaged to," I say, my tone rising because I'm angry. I'm tired of paying for mistakes I don't cause. I didn't ask for any of this. Having a sister, losing my father, the issues with my mother. All of this is being foisted upon me, and it's not fair that I have to deal with the fallout.
"There was no ring on her finger. And when you offered to call him, she didn't want you to."
My eyes nearly bug out of my head, "Cat, do you hear yourself? What are you saying? That Tina invented a fiancé? To what? Put you at ease?"
"It's possible," Cat says.
"No, what it is, is completely insane. I mean, this is seriously reaching, and I thought you more secure in us than this," I say pushing past her to get out of the kitchen. Damn, why is this apartment so small!
"I don't doubt you. As William said, I trust you. Completely."
"Right?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You trusted me SO much that the first time that trust was tested, you walked."
"That's not what I was doing and you know it?"
"Do I?!"
"Don't you?!"
"I don't, because it looked to me, that the only reason you stopped was that I stopped you. But then again, I guess with me no longer an issue that would allow you and Liam to get back together and become one messed up, happy family."
"I'm no more interested in Liam than you are in Tina. Liam wants to step up. He wants a chance to be a Dad to his baby. Why do you keep expecting me to say, NO to that?"
"Because he's not interested in that relationship, Cat. Not unless it comes with you. He will not settle for second place. It's not how that guy is built. He will show the appropriate interest and hell he may even become honestly interested and for the baby's sake I hope he does but there is no way in the hell you are ever going to convince me he's not in love with you!"
"Who cares what he thinks?!" Cat demands to know. "Isn't it MY choice who I'm with and who I want to spend the rest of my life loving?"
"Yes, it is, but with not wearing my ring. With you not wanting to set a date. With you constantly pushing me away. I have to wonder if that choice is still me."
Cat looks like I just hit her across the face. She couldn't possibly appear more stunned.
"You seriously think that?!"
Now she looks hurt. What the F'!
"Yes. No..." I throw my hands up in the air in frustration, "sometimes... I don't know."
I flop on the sofa and Cat just stands there staring at me, her hands on her hips, her brows furrow. She's thinking of what her next move is, but at this point, I'm wiped. I have nothing. I can't make her feel better, even though I want to.
"You're right." Cat pauses long enough that I feel forced to look at her. "I could at this very moment leave here and go to Liam, and he'd take me back with open arms. I know this. You know this. He knows this. He wants just that, but I ask you... where am I standing right now?"
I let out a long sigh. "Here," I tell her.
"Exactly! Right here. Right now. Because I choose to be here. Because I want to be here. Here is where I am usually the happiest. Here with you."
I lean over and put my head in my hands. I'm so tired. "It's hard to compete, Cat. You have so much history with Liam. It's hard not to feel insecure. Not to feel the more time you spend together that he won't use that history, those 6 years you were together to lure you back to him."
"I can't even blame him if he does because I know that's what I would do if I were him and I wanted you back. I spend every second trying to remind you of all the good times we had, the love that we shared, what we meant to each other."
"What makes it even worse is we both know it would make things so much easier on you. Liam is, as you keep pointing out, the baby's true father. Something I can never be, no matter how much I love this baby."
"Now who's talking nonsense?" Cat says, coming to sit next to me. "Love makes a father. Love makes us a family. This baby is already connected to you and you'll make your own special relationship with him or her and I know they will love you as much as I do."
"I'm scared, Cat."
"You needn't be. I'm sorry I'm not setting a date. I don't know why I'm not. Right now, I feel so overwhelmed by everything- school, the baby, the craziness that been happening between you and me, and me and Liam. I'm scared, I'm going to make a terrible mother."
"Day to day, I'm barely managing my own life. What happens when I have someone else that solely depends on me to take care of them? So, I guess the thought of becoming a wife on top of all that is something I am pushing down the road because I can. It's the one thing, I don't need to think about right now and I don't want to jump into it, because I don't want to fail you."
I sit up straight so I can look her in the eye. I can't believe what I'm hearing.
"Fail me? Cat, this isn't some entrance exam, some test. There is no pass-fail grade. I want to marry you because I love you. Because I can't imagine a life that doesn't have you and Peanut in it. I want to marry you because I want you to be my family. I want to take care of you, help you. You could never be a burden to me, Cat. We would make an incredible team. Look at all we've done for one another in the short time we've known each other."
Cat captures my face in her hands and leans her forehead against mine.
"I want to be stronger. I want to know I can handle this on my own. I know that's crazy because I have you and such a great support system–Dillion, my mom, Olivia, William–you have all given me such support and strength to get through what I have so far but once this baby comes and is placed in my arms, I'm responsible. Do you understand?"
I place my hand on her cheeks and kiss her lips briefly before I pull away. "No, I don't. You feel the need to do this on your own, but I don't understand why? Why stress yourself out? Why put yourself through so much torment when you have all of us who love you and want to help you?"
"Because... because what if it ends? After I graduate, there's nothing to say Olivia and I won't drift apart. William, too. Do you know how many people I still talk to from my high school? Olivia. That's it. Dillion will marry and have his own family to worry about. My mom tries to be there for me, but she's still trying to fix things with my father. There are times I call her now and she can't talk or she's out. She has her own life to live."
"And me?" I ask. "Where do I fit into this scheme of everyone leaving you?"
"I don't know. I thought Liam was forever. Cat and Liam. Liam and Cat. I feel like I can't take anything for granted anymore, not even this baby. Alex, I may have this child only to have it die before I get to hold it in my arms because its heart or kidneys failed. I'm terrified, and I don't know what to do about it."
I gather her in my arms. "You feel it, Cat. You embrace that fear, and then you learn slowly that you need to let it go. I'm still working on that part myself, but I know it's what I need to do."
I hold on to her tight as she clings to me. "But you need to know, I'm not Liam. I'm loyal. I'm always going to put your needs before my own because I love you. And I will love you, forever. Let me be that someone to watch over you like you've been someone to watch over me. Let me take care of you. There's nothing in the world that I want more."
Tears flow from her eyes, down her cheeks, and I kiss them away.
"I want to. I do," she tells me.
"That's all I need to know," I tell her.
"I'm willing to wait, Cat. You set the pace. You tell me when. I may need reassurances if a lot of time passes between now and then, but I hope you don't think less of me for needing them. I don't mean to be so insecure, but everyone I've loved has been taken from me and I've been powerless to do a damn thing about it. Yet, I know I can't do that to you. I can't cling to you like that. It's not fair, and it's just my fear talking."
"I love you, Alex. I love you so much! It frightens me. You've come to mean so much to me in such a short amount of time. Sometimes I worry that I have imagined you. That I'm seeing what I want to see because it's hard to believe that someone as wonderful as you is my reality."
I kiss the top of her head and smile. "I assure you, Cat, I am no figment of your imagination. I am very real. And if I have to reassure you every day, I'll do it, because I don't want you ever to doubt our love or the reality of that love. Do you understand me?"
Cat slowly nods against my chest. I close my eyes and offer a silent prayer of thanks because I needed her to understand this. To understand I'm all in, and there is no backing out now for me.
I lift her chin so I can look at her. "Are we okay now?"
Again, she nods, yes.
"Good, because I have a promise I made earlier, that I would like to keep. That is if you want me to?"
She graces me with her beautiful smile, and I stand, taking her hand. She stands with me and we move to the bedroom where I spent the rest of the night showering her with love. Showing her just how much I love her. I was intent on erasing any doubt she might have left, and when she fell asleep in my arms, I just held on to her and to hope. That all that we said to one another will continue to hold true, as life decides what challenges it wants to throw at us next.