Hendrix takes me and Ellie home in the morning. During the car ride, which harbours a rather tangible tension, neither him nor I mention what happened last night. If I wasn't already embarrassed, I certainly was when his auntie Tanya said she thought it was absolutely adorable that we'd finally admitted our likeness to one another.
I couldn't get my shoes on quick enough.
No, I haven't mentioned it because I think it might one the upmost embarrassing this I've ever done in my entire life. And believe me, there have been some whoppers. That said, cuddling with your arch-nemesis just seems to take the biscuit, and it absolutely must not happen again. Ellie is just going to have to suck it up and cope with my terrible parental abilities because there is no way I plan to ever visit Hendrix's house again when it seems that the outcome is me falling asleep on his bed. Cuddling too, it apparently seems.
I mumble a goodbye and rush inside, ignoring the odd looks from my parents and brothers. I'm officially a dirty stop out and I don't have space for their judgement, not when there is heaps of self-loathing taking up all the room.
Ellie goes straight into her Moses basket and I ring all my friends, decided that I need to restore my old self. The one where I spend my weekends with my little circle of besties and certainly do not have a half-naked sleepover with Elijah Hendrix. The nakedness being him, of course; there wasn't a hope in hells chance I was stripping down to the bare minimum, although the bare back tickles were awfully nice.
Stop.
Both girls, Nat and Alena, and the boys too, Collins and Seb, arrange to be at my house within the hour. With Ezra and Oli having no plans, I imagine it'll be the seven of us pigging out in the living room with a takeaway and a movie marathon. Heck, who am I kidding? My mum and dad never miss a movie marathon.
"So," Ezra begins as I sit myself on the sofa, throwing my legs lazily over his. "What happened last night?" He muses, shooting me a knowing look. I cringe, pulling the drawstrings on my hoodie so that the hood tightens around my head. Like a turtle going inside it's shell to escape real life. Except, I can't escape. Ezra won't let me. "I imagine you spent the night at Elijah's."
"You said you weren't seeing each other." Oli states, throwing himself between Ezra and I, worming his legs under mine. "Don't tell me you're sleezy Charlie!" He accuses.
I scoff and shake my head, peering out of the small hole left in my hood. "It was completely innocent. I fell asleep in the spare room and he thought it rude to wake me." I lie smoothly, though my back seems to go cold, reminding me of the path his fingertips had gently trailed. Stop thinking about it! "Besides, I'm a big girl Oli, I can make my own decisions."
"Yeah, and we all said the same about me and I ended up getting married to a Russian in Vegas." He grumbles.
"How is Anfisa?" I ask him, hoping to steer the conversation. He gleams and nods.
"Brilliant! She should be getting her green card soon." I nod and sigh melodramatically.
"I miss her." I mumble.
Oli matches my emotion and pats my shoulder. "Me too Diabla. Those four days we had, despite the inability to communicate and the continuous alcohol involvement, were wildly passionate. I don't think I'll ever forget the night when she put –"
"Woah!" I interject, slamming my hands to my ears over the hood of my jumper. "I don't need to know the ins and outs." I tell him.
"Oh, it went in and out. Many times." Oli grins slyly. While I gag in pure disgust, Ezra shoves a cupcake in Oliver's mouth, effectively stopping him from talking.
"Back to the original topic," Ezra decides, forcing me to groan again. "I thought you hated him?" His expression is a knowing one, no doubt due to the fact he knows that my feelings towards Hendrix are certainly muddled ones. It was only last week I'd punched the sod in the face and apologised for it.
"I do, I do," I assure him, shuffling myself so I can rest my head against the arm of the sofa. "It's just, when children are involved, you have to make some sacrifices." He rolls his eyes at me but thankfully drops the subject.
"What's the plan then?" Ezra asks. "I think I'm officially through stage one of my breakup, so I can watch something other than Disney movies today."
"Lord of the rings? Hangover? Saw?" I suggest. Both my brothers grumble and shrug. "Yes, that narrows it down, thanks." I mutter. "Suppose we'll wait for the others and hope they have some actually worthwhile suggestions."
The others come; Alena and Collins together, which results in me and Nat conversing with complex facial expressions. However, we say nothing, and I simply ask what food and what movie, the answers to which are equally as unhelpful as my brothers.
So, I decide to call the shots. A pig out pizza session while watching the wizarding world, because, obviously.
As I expect, my parents join us halfway through the first movie. With the pair of them sat on the sofa, Seb beside them, me and my brothers sit on the other sofa. Nat has managed to wiggle herself up, squeezing herself between Oli and me, grinning sheepishly every time Oli tuts that she's squashing him. That leaves Lena and Collins on the floor, backs rested against the sofa, surrounded in cushions and blankets.
I nudge Nat, once more speaking with my eyes, as I direct her towards the pair, where just through a gap in the blanket, I can see their hands intertwined. Nat gleams at me, fawning with her hands over her heart and I can't help but smile too. If they want to keep this a secret, I'll stop seeking out a confession. I'm pleased for them; it's long overdue. They match, like two pieces of a jigsaw, simply meant to me. I can't help but be envious.
When the pizza comes, my parents pay, spreading the feast along the floor and we all dig in, laughing and joking, reminiscing, and the smile never leaves my face. I feel almost guilty that I've forgotten how important these moments are to me. My favourite people, the ones that never fail or confuse me. As I watch my family and friends enjoy themselves, I enjoy myself too. And obviously, not once do I think about a certain dark haired, green eyed, perfectly cuddly frenemy of mine.
Certainly not.
~
"So, how are you too fairing with this project?" Miss Hardy asks, letting her eyes graze over my with Ellie cradled in my arms, eyes tired and void of makeup, hair tied back in a miserable attempt to disguise the fact it hasn't been washed for a while.
Beside me, Hendrix looks annoying good. Well rested, bright eyed and bushy tailed. It's infuriating. "Fine." I mutter. As if to contradict my claim, Ellie begins to howl, making my face wrinkle in agony as I begin to bounce her slowly.
Miss Hardy continues to talk, but I'm not listening, digging around in Ellie's bag for a bottle, a dummy, a clean nappy. Nothing works, of course, because that would be far too simple, and just when I'm about to start crying out of frustration, Elijah shifts beside me.
"Here." He says, shuffling his seat closer and extending his arms to take her. I pass her over without hesitation, startling slightly when I feel his hands skim the skin of mine.
Like a tidal wave, memories of the weekend rush back; the completely difference shift in the atmosphere, in our relationship. The feel of our bodies tangled and his fingertips on my back. It's enough to steal my breath actually, palpitating my heart for a moment as my eyes tighten on his face.
His flick up to meet mine and we just look at one another, no words exchanged, and then I realise - this is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
This is not how Elijah and I should be. The idea of contact, the idea of intimacy, the idea of amicability should make me nauseous, not breathless. So I jolt away like a voltage has just surged through me, standing in a hurry and grabbing my bag.
"Sorry; I have to go. Feel ill all of a sudden." I mumble, darting out of the door before Miss Hardy or Elijah can even look in my direction. My feet take me straight to the common area where I know Alena will be at this time, because night now, I need a constant in my life. Not an arch-nemesis who thinks he can shuffle himself up the ranks.
~
"I've missed Oli," Lena muses over the dinner table, chuckling to herself over a memory it seems. "He's staying till the new year, isn't he?" I nod and twirl some spaghetti absentmindedly around my fork. "All okay Chaps?"
"Hm, yeah. I'm good." I mumble, watching the pasta drag in the sauce.
"Don't lie Charlie. What's wrong?" I sigh and meet her accusatory gaze. I take a moment to make sure that it's just the two of us. I already know that it is; Collins is off playing cricket and Seb is off playing tonsil tennis.
"I'm just, I don't know how to explain it." I groan, throwing down my fork in annoyance. "I'm confused." I decide, jutting my bottom lip in a childish pout.
Lena raises her brow at me and pushes her burger off to one side. She's fallen out with her diet again since the weekend. It's all or nothing with her. "Care to elaborate?"
So I do, albeit begrudgingly. I tell her about everything that has happened with Adam recently and about how I'm confused because I don't understand how I can still feel a connection to him after everything that has happened. I tell her about how baby Ellie is stressing me out because she seems to have opted for a personal vendetta against me – Sunday was another sleepless night, but I didn't fancy seeking Elijah's help again. Not when I know the outcome of that.
And then I talk about Elijah. A lot. I digress my frustrations with how recently, I seem to be feeling something else other than pure perpetual hatred. Obviously, the aforementioned hatred is still there. Every time I hear him talk it's like an assault on the ears, and when he breathes, I can't help but feel as though it's a waste of perfectly good oxygen.
But now, there is something else. You don't have eye contact with someone you hate. Well, I suppose you do, but it wasn't hate fuelled. It sounds absolutely ludicrous when I say it aloud, but there was something. There was something else there. Maybe not for Hendrix, but certainly for me. And more than that, who cuddles with their enemy? It's not normal, even worse, that I've come to the awful conclusion that I enjoyed it. Then the even worse conclusion, that I certainly wouldn't be disappointed if it happened again. I just can't make sense of it.
I'd like to blame it on the fact we're being forced to be together a lot more as of recently, all thanks to the baby project. I mean, it's been nearly a month since this whole thing started, I've seen more of Elijah than anyone. Literally, days, afternoons, evenings. And I spent the night there only this weekend. But I don't think that's it. The project forces us to work together, not get along. That's all happening naturally. That makes me think I've contracted a neurological disorder and I will die any day now.
"Chaps, I hate to be the one to say it, but I think maybe, you might have a little crush." My face falls. "Like an incy wincy one." She tries to console, holding her forefinger and thumb as close together as possible, leaving only a hairbreadth between.
"There's no way. When you like someone, you like them. You don't spend your days envisioning their demise." I tell her.
She shrugs, nibbling on the end of a fry. "Well, you don't stop eating Chinese food just because you learn you like Italian." She tells me.
I look at her dead-pan. "That's literally the worst analogy I've ever had to listen to." She snorts and rolls her eyes, throwing the end of her chip at me.
"Yeah, maybe it wasn't good, but the fact remains, maybe you hate Eli because you've spent so long hating him. With this project and your involvement with one another, you've been forced to see him in a new light." I pull a face, cupping my chin in my hand as I dwell.
"It just doesn't make sense. It's impossible. Besides, you and I both know that I'm still in love with Adam. You can't have feelings for two people at once. Unless one of them is a celebrity that you don't have a hope in hells chance with." Lena frowns at me, unamused.
"Charlie, you're not still in love with Adam. You're in love with the idea of him, the memories you're clinging to. I think it's the same with Eli. You don't hate Eli; you hate the memories. And I don't blame you, but I think you're making new memories right now which is why you're confused. Maybe you should look at focusing more on these new memories." I don't answer, just go back to swirling my pasta, which is now cold, as I ponder. Lena seems to take this as her queue to continue convincing me. "It's like a yin yang. The good in the bad, the bad in the good."
I nod slowly, trying to hold that value over my current predicament. Alena is right; I love Adam because of what we were, not because of who he is. The good memories with a bad person. Maybe, just maybe, it's possible that I like Elijah because of what we are now, and it's the bad memories that are holding me back. The bad memories in a good person.
Maybe, I can admit that I might have a tiny, miniscule, almost inconceivable crush on Elijah Hendrix.
God, get me a bucket – I'm going to hurl.
And as that revelation comes, so does the boy in question. "Osborne!" He calls as he approaches. "Need a favour." I look up at him and cock a brow.
"Yeah?"
"Can you have Ellie tomorrow? I've got a date and I don't need a doll to cockblock me." I look at him with knitted brows. "Thanks!" He says before handing me the child in her carrier and running off. I keep my eyes trained on where he stood, blinking slowly, because really, there is nothing else to do.
Then I turn to Lena slowly who is looking at me wide eyed before she sets her sight on the baby that at that very moment, begins to cry. "Yep, no crush." I tell her plainly. "I completely loathe him."