Lilac avoided me for the next week. I can't say I sought her out either. I was too conflicted, confused and mad and sad. Smad.
Jack noticed that we weren't even trail riding together. "You have to keep up your riding education if you ever want to get on the track," he told me. He was busy with his horses, but when he found the time he'd take me into the indoor arena they used to break the horses and teach me on Shamrock, Holiday Break, or one of the babies, unintroduced to the track. On the days he couldn't teach me, Ned took me under his wing and we would trail ride, instructing me further. I learned a lot, but it wasn't Lilac.
Willifred seemed determined to keep me busy as well. I was awake at four every morning, watching my charges run, cooling them down and warning them up and grooming them and saddling them. Jack drove me to school afterwards, sometimes, and Mom would pick me up and take me when he couldn't. Having my own truck would've been convenient though.
I fell into the schedule pretty quickly, and even Mom came to enjoy seeing the horses. So when I woke up on Friday, I was surprised to see that the lighting in my room was off. It was much later than four in the morning- sunlight trickled lazily through the curtains hanging on my window. It reflected annoyingly off of a shot of Shamrock crossing the finish line, framed and hung proudly over my desk. I wondered why Mom hadn't woken me up when I slept through the alarms.
The phone rang.
I stared at it as it buzzed, shuddering across my desk, then reaching the end of the charger. It rattled off in a different direction, taking the plunge over the desk.
Catching it, I hit the "accept call" button. "Good morning! Hello! Um-"
"Good morning, Anna." Came from the other side of the country. My breath caught. I recognized that voice.
"Mrs. Halestrom... it's been so long."
"Too long. I'm so sorry for not calling you earlier, we've been so busy. How are you? Do you like Kentucky?"
"It's different... but I think the change was good. Cold, though."
Mrs. Halestrom laughed. "Nothing like our sunny California! School's good?"
"It's school." I replied vaguely, wishing that I had a landline so I could grip the curly phone wire. Instead, my knuckles turned white around the desk chair. A sick feeling was overcoming me.
"Anything interesting?"
"I'm working at a racehorse stable."
Pause of surprise. Then:
"Do tell."
So I did. I told her about the racehorses, about riding Shamrock and my first fall, about Bloodless Day and the Withers and My Girl. I skimmed over Lilac and Jack, describing their horses but not really them. When I stopped to breathe, she said, "I never pegged you as the horse crazy type. But I'm glad you're keeping busy."
"Have you been?"
Another pause. I felt her pain radiating through the phone, a shared life being remembered without words.
"Yes. I have been. Peter and I are going to the graveyard today, to wish Her a happy birthday. And to tell Her some exciting news..." Conflicted happiness registered in her voice as I heard something clatter on the other end of the line. My heart clenched. "She's going to have a sister."
What! In my surprise, I wasn't sure if I'd spoken or not. I glanced at my alarm clock- 9:30. I was starting to realize why Mom hadn't woken me up. Maybe it was 447 days since Her death, but Her birthday was today. It should've been something to celebrate. I should've been planning a surprise party. Her mother should've been wrapping presents. Instead she was going to the cemetery. And I was going to cry.
"Anna?"
And then the second part of her statement unraveled.
"You're expecting?"
"Thankfully, no. Adopting. We've sent in applications and though we haven't met any children yet, Peter and I have already decided we want a girl."
"Wow...."
"Why should we mourn anymore? We've suffered a tremendous loss, but we can change someone's life. Her college fund is still intact and I just think...."
"You don't need to justify yourself. I understand." I said mechanically into the phone, but my head was spinning. I felt as though I was going to pass out. Maybe I did, because suddenly the phone was hung up and the light had changed even more and I was exhausted and so, so tired.
Tired of what, I couldn't imagine.
The house was quiet, but on the inside I was screaming. They were replacing Her? She wasn't a couch, or a phone, or even a house. She was a life and that wasn't something to just be replaced.
Except she wasn't anymore.
Furious at myself, at Lilac, at Mrs. Halestrom and Her for leaving me and Mom for not waking me, I slipped on a black shirt and black shorts. My hair was yanked back into a black tie and I even searched for black socks. I did keep my brown boots though.
Today was a mourning sort of day.
The fresh air welcomed me as I exited the garage with my bike, then accompanied me to Piperson Farms in the form of a playful breeze. The chilly air dragged tears from my eyes, and the memories pushed them. I pedaled furiously, whipping past pastures. The Piperson sign with its untranslated logo. The front paddock. Over the gravelly driveway. Past the first barn, and then I looped around and stowed the bike behind the barn.
Most of the horses were out in their pastures, or at the track. So the barn was mostly empty, but there was one scruffy head tossed out of the stall, tilted to catch a stray beam of sunlight.
"BD." I said.
Bloodless Day shot me a withering glare and stomped, kicking at the stall door. I had no carrots, but I also had no one else to hang out with, so I strode towards his stall.
"I lost someone important." I admitted to him. "And there's no way to get them back. Ever. But you know, don't you? Your dam died when you were born."
He rolled his eyes and snorted, stepping back. Retreating.
"And everyone around seems healed. You're the only broken one left and you can't figure out why."
I leaned against the stall door, ignoring him as he snapped his teeth, ears pinned. "And you hurt the people around you. Because broken glass has sharp edges."
Taking action on his warning, Bloodless Day lunged forwards. His teeth grated my arm before I yanked it back, glowering at him. "Are you even happy? Do you genuinely enjoy being so mean? No one else appreciates it, okay? And I'd understand if you were being such a jerk because you enjoy it, but you don't. And you know what? In being an unhappy jerk, you're throwing your whole future away. You could win the Derby. Heck, you could win the whole crown!"
Unimpressed by my outburst, Bloodless Day turned his back to me and began nibbling at some hay. I could see the tension in his back, the wary way he held himself. He'd locked himself in and no one was willing to find the key.
I snapped. Grabbing his lead rope, I swung open the stall door and entered. Instantly I was met with tooth and claw as Bloodless Day whirled and kicked out, narrowly missing me. If he'd been unimpressed before, then I was absolutely uncaring.
"If you're trying to punish me with death, then you've chosen the wrong weapon."
He snorted and plunged towards me. In one smooth motion I had him on the lead rope, and in another we were standing in the aisle. Well, I was standing. The horse was rearing. But I sidestepped his hooves and walked on, pulling him to his four feet.
We marched away from the barn. I struggled to hold onto the rope as the frantic stalliom fought against it, and we made little progress in a long time. But then we were in one of the sandy little paddocks. Bloodless Day charged ahead of me and lifted his back, his hindlegs coiled power, but I hauled him back to me and unhooked the rope.
He was furious, a cyclone of danger, an anger at this tamed world around him quivering through his body. I stepped away from him as he launched into the air, kicking out, and landed in a gallop.
Around and around he tore through the paddock, faster than any earthly horse. I stared at his legs, pistons that struck the earth with his frenzied, leaping stride. I studied his mane, how he created wind that toyed with it and sent it streaming behind him, a banner to war. Most of all I studied his eye, how there was something glittering and malevolent in his gaze, yet when he looked at me I sensed a thin line of understanding. It stretched between us, delicate and new, a hesitant connection.
He slowed, and I swung the rope, sending him on faster.
Somehow my boots had come off, and my socked feet burrowed into the refreshingly cool sand. I felt alive in the way that meant I had a past and a future but only the present really mattered. A fire burned.
Bloodless Day bucked, leaping towards me with his neck arched, body twisting. I saw a hind leg aimed towards me. Unafraid of the threat he posed, I swung the rope at him. It coiled around his hock, momentarily tangling him, and then rappled off as Bloodless Day rocketed away from me. Terror.
"Now you know how it feels." I shouted at him as he ran by again, drawing me in with his created wind. "Terror. Everyone feels it when they look at you."
A dim acknowledgement registered in his eyes as he lowered his head, gait slowing into something more rhythmical. Despite myself, I was entranced. And when he slowed to a docile walk, and turned towards me and tentatively approached, I buried my face into his mane and cried.