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On One Condition(Seonghwa)- Ateez make me weep

seonghwa x reader; a walk to remember auword count: 19kangst, fluff

park seonghwa had always been a troubled boy. and not in the cheesy, cliche 'bad boy' way, like he's parading around town with a motorcycle and worn leather jacket. in the 'he has absolutely no regard for himself or others' type of way. he doesn't care if he hurts himself in an attempt to prove he's the best nor does he care if he hurts anybody with his words or fists.

this all started fairly early in his life, showing questionable behaviors at the ripe age of eleven.

it started with skipping classes, asking to go to the bathroom and then meeting his friend's outside on the field; there had never been a child sent to the principal's office as many times as him that year.

by middle school, it had quickly escalated. vandalizing obscene objects and words onto the bathroom stall or spray painting on the back of the school. he was intelligent though, both naturally book and street smart, so he knew to wear black attire and a mask; he was only almost caught once.

his last few years of high school now consist of women and fighting.

because if he wasn't pounding into the newest girl of the week, telling her that that was fun but she knows where the door is, he was smacking some kid's head off the pavement for no other reason than that he could. that he had such uncontrollable rage in his body, probably from being stuck with and accustomed to the delinquent ways of his friends, that it was the only thing to make him feel better.

because he couldn't deny it, he didn't like who he was.

you had always been a good girl. and quite literally in the cheesy, cliche way: sweaters and a nonexistent dating life and your nose always in a book if you weren't at the church your dad preached at every sunday.

you didn't mind your simple, solitary life. you had gotten used to being alone and you didn't ever care when people made fun of you for it. because you liked your sweaters and reading and even spending your days after school tutoring younger kids.

it was a place you went every monday through friday, accustomed to the children and other helpers, mainly teachers, that were in the stuffy school library. which is why you were surprised to see no other than park seonghwa walk through the door, looking around at the layout of bookshelves and tables like it's the first time he's ever seeing it.

you tried not to watch him float around the room, a blank expression on his face as he settled for standing in front of the main desk waiting for instruction. he was leaned against the wood with his arms folded and jaw set, a very obvious distaste and annoyance present on the boy.

but you continued to work with the younger 7th grader who couldn't quite grasp the concept of solving for x, ignoring the way the head teacher pranced over and spoke hushly to the boy.

"and what exactly are you doing here mr. park?"

seonghwa felt dread fill him immediately, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at the teacher who kicked him out of class everyday back in tenth grade.

"tutoring," is all he says, surprised and ready to punch the older man in the mouth when he lets out a scoff.

because apparently after your third strike for starting a brawl in the cafeteria, the only options were suspension or helping out the very understaffed, depressing after-school programs along with an extra research project.

"how long?" the boy asked the principal who sat across from him, a large man with kind eyes despite the destruction the student in front of him has brought into the school since the day he started.

"the rest of the year, mr. park."

seonghwa's eyebrow raised as he truly considered suspension. because at least that would only be two weeks of sleeping in and dicking around, not eight months of excruciating 'volunteer' work with bratty, preteens and mundane class work. so that's why he got up and went towards the doorway, throwing a mock wink at the man.

"i think i'll take the suspension, sir."

but the chipper man laughs like he was told the funniest joke he's ever heard, rising from his throne and walking over to pat seonghwa's shoulder. "you'll start on monday in the library."

and now he sees he severely underestimated just how tragic today was gonna be, sitting across from a boy who's just as pissed as him to be here.

"what do you need help with?" seonghwa finally asks after five minutes of silence, leaning back in his chair as he observes the scrawny boy.

"i don't know, i don't even need this stupid help," the younger boy snaps, the words already getting under seonghwa's skin. "they forced me to be here."

"well, that makes two of us," he mumbles, his eyes moving to the test paper sticking out of the boy's backpack marker with red x's. "but it seems like you do need help, kid. a 42 is shitty."

your eyes widen hearing those words fall from his mouth, clearing your throat and throwing him a chastising look when he meets your gaze; but he only rolls them and moves his stare into the kid's beady, brown eyes.

"now don't waste my time and i won't waste yours. open your book," seonghwa demands, the coldness in his tone visibly throwing off the boy.

you feel your heart grow heavy at the student's dejected, frustrated face, your chest burning with the need to yell at and scold seonghwa.

because that's the last way to approach a child already struggling and getting in trouble by his teachers and parents. he needs to be shown the problem in different ways until he finds out which one works for him. and that's through someone's patience and kindness and genuine desire to help them - which is exactly what you tell seonghwa when 4:30 rolls around.

"thanks for the advice, y/n, but i think i'll be getting this shit over with my own way," he says, glaring at you before he attempts to leave. but you're quick to squeak out "wait," walking around until you're standing in front of him.

"look, i know you probably don't wanna be here," you tell him softly, gently, like the way you talk to kids who also don't wanna be doing work they don't understand. "but you can't take it out on them. you need to at least be nice and try to help him not only pass but also understand it. that's the whole-"

"I could give a shit if the kid passes or not," he snaps at you, pinched glare roaming over your face. "we're all not perfect little angels like you, y/n."

he's known you since elementary school, has watched you parade around with ugly sweaters and books and entertain the kids people avoid because they either spit on you when they talk or go on for hours about nonsense. and some people might find that commendable, that you give everyone a chance and seem to be completely pure and good.

but he finds it incredibly irritating. he always had, watching you grow up through the years and feeling some sense of pity for you. because no one could genuinely be that kind and unbothered by the fact that they have no friends, that they smile in the faces of their bullies and give even the weirdest of kids the time of day.

"that's not why i'm saying it, seonghwa," you tell him softly, "i just want you to take this seriously. these kids need help."

"they need help when you're the one tutoring kids for fun," seonghwa scoffs, feeling himself grow more agitated and bitter as he talks down to you. "i don't know if you realize how sad that is."

but then in a strange twist of fate, it feels like you're the one talking down to him. because you can only find it in you to shake your head at him and meet his tense gaze.

"more sad than you needing to be forced to help anyone but yourself?"

and whether he wants to admit it or not, your comment rings in his head for the rest of the day. because he knows he's selfish and a bit of a dick but hearing it put so bluntly to his face causes his chest to churn uncomfortably.

"what does that bitch know anyway?" hongjoong coughs out after passing him a joint, "she's been a tight ass since birth."

"and it's only gotten worse with age," san says before he lets out a thoughtful hum. "but you know...she'd probably be hot if she wasn't such a prude."

the two boys in front throw him a disgusted look, seonghwa blowing smoke directly in the boy's face. "you're that desperate for a fuck, huh?"

san swats at the smoke around his face, rolling his eyes at his friends glassy, red eyes. "no! i'm just saying."

seonghwa can only picture you in his mind, sporting your ugly green sweater and worn sneakers, bare face looking at him with wide, innocent eyes and softly spoken words.

"don't see it," the boy grumbles out, hongjoong snorting next to him as he reaches out to grab the joint back.

"you know he could be on to something though," the driver says, placing the paper between his lips. "it's always the quiet ones who are freaks."

"ha, like you'd know pussy boy," san says, earning a loud smack on his mouth. seonghwa can only smirk at his two friends, knowing damn well you're the type of girl who's probably gonna die a virgin.

"so what do you know about acute triangles?" seonghwa asks the boy, clenching his fists under the table because how fucking hard is it to remember this?

he'd been working with him for almost two weeks now and he's been slowly making progress. some would say that the improvement in itself was a good sign but seonghwa was convinced if the boy had someone more cut out for this, he would've learned it by now.

he wouldn't be staring down at the blank paper with a questioning gaze on his face or religiously spend the first thirty minutes in a tense silence.

"there are....three angles," the boy says, uncertainty laced in his tone. but seonghwa can only nod his head because wow, yeah, good job.

"okay. and what about them?"

the boy swallows nervously, eyes boring in to his like he's gonna help him out. but he only stares back blankly, raising his eyebrow challengingly. and once the student sees that, remembers seonghwa's harshly spoken words reminding him to pay attention in class so they can both stop this bullshit, he blurts out "i don't know!"

seonghwa lets out a sigh, running a hand through his hair before shaking his head. the boy lets out a loud, frustrated groan, throwing his pencil across the room and springing up from his chair.

"fuck this! this is so stupid!"

you watch as seonghwa just stares at the boy with a raised eyebrow, his arms crossed over his chest and you just know he's trying not to roll his eyes or scream back. but before the man can say anything 'comforting' back, the younger student stomps off and rips open the library door.

several other kids softly murmur to each other before they get back to work, your eyes moving to seonghwa who hasn't uncrossed his arms. you quietly tell the student you're working with to try the next problem by themselves, walking over to seonghwa and taking the previously occupied seat.

"he's just frustrated," you tell him softly, hoping to ease the obvious tension on seonghwa's face and body. because you had trouble when you first started too, remember feeling dejected and upset that the kids would get mad and feeling like you couldn't help them.

his eyes flicker to meet yours and he's quick to look away, seeing the soft compassion and care in them; it always makes him uncomfortable when someone doesn't look at him in disgust or annoyance.

"what do you want?"

he misses your face fall ever so slightly, a quiet sigh leaving your mouth as you shrug your shoulders. "i just wanna help you, seonghwa," you tell him softly, knowing it's important for both of them to get something out of this. "it might help teaching him in a different way. maybe something he can relate to more."

"and how do you recommend i do that, princess?" he snarls at you, shoving his seat back and stomping towards the exit. you notice the head teacher's about to say something when you catch his gaze and shake your head slowly; and to your surprise, he lets the boy go with a roll of his eyes.

you continue working with your student until 4:30 comes around, your eyes occasionally moving to the empty table and library door. but neither seonghwa nor his student ever come back and it causes a sinking feeling in your stomach.

you wait around for five extra minutes, cleaning the tables and putting your books away before figuring both of the unmotivated boys just ditched. but then as you're walking out the door to your car, you hear the familiar sound of a basketball bouncing off the gym floor.

so, nosily, you peek your head in and feel your lips quirk up when you see seonghwa's tall frame next to the boy. the both of them are standing a few feet away from the hoop, a rare hint of a smile on the man's face as the both of them move around the floor.

"so this would be a....?" you hear seonghwa ask, the boy immediately responding with "acute angle! and it's less than 90 degrees," who then proceeds to take the ball from him and shoot; but in a tragic turn of events, he misses.

seonghwa lets out a playful scoff as he catches the ball with ease, "used all your brain power for that you can't even get it in, huh," he teases, throwing the ball with one hand and watching with a cocky smirk as it shoots through.

"you're a showoff," the boy mumbles and you bite your lip so you don't let out a giggle, watching as seonghwa dribbles the ball away from the boy who chases after him. you leave the gym as chuckles ring through the air, feeling your heart tug at the fact in all the years you've known seonghwa, you think this is the first time you've heard him laugh.

and you're surprised to see it carries over into the next day. sure, he's not being overly happy or nice but he's genuinely helping the student with his work, a focused expression and strong voice as he explains the problems slowly. you try to contain your smile, thinking maybe your hope in him isn't misplaced - until you decide to tell him he's doing a good job.

"what?"

"you're working well with him," you say softly, turning to wave at the boy when you hear him say goodbye to you both, "he really seems to be getting better."

"yeah," is all he says shortly. you look over to see his jaw is tight, body defensive and on alert so it's probably in your best interest to not mention you seeing them in the gym yesterday.

"it's hard at first for everyone but then i think once you break that barrier, it's gonna get-"

"why are you talking to me, y/n?"

his short, harsh tone causes your face to fall and for a split second, he feels bad. he knows you're just doing what you always do, showing people unwavering decency and kindness. but those are things he, both, can't relate to and finds makes him uncomfortable, not wanting you to think just because he helped a kid out that he's a reformed pupil.

"i just wanted-"

"well don't," he says, picking up his bag and throwing it over his shoulder. "it's bad enough i have to do this. i don't need you talking down to me also."

"i'm not talking down to you, it's called encouragement, seonghwa."

"then don't encourage me. just ignore me the way i intend to ignore you." and with that, you're left alone in the library watching the door slam behind him.

and true to his word, he doesn't look your way or entertain conversation with you for the rest of the week. anytime your eyes meet, he'd quickly advert them and makes sure to be out the door the second the clock strikes 4:30.

and today, as you rush to your car in the pouring rain, you mull over in your head what you could have possibly done to the boy to make him so wary of you. time and time again, you've just tried to help him, give him advice and make the whole process easier for him and he just lashes out.

but then again, you haven't done anything to the general population at school and they still make fun of you. and it's for the stupidest of things, your 'grandma sweaters' apparently the bane of their existence or the fact that you're studious and care about your schoolwork.

you don't allow their words to get to you, though, because you were taught to always be kind and respect others. that if people are mean to you, it's because they're unhappy about something within themselves.

even so, a part of you has always been intrigued by park seonghwa, whether it be because of his obvious good looks or some feeling deep within you that knows he's not as bad as he portrays himself to be. and through the rain as you think, you see the drenched boy, hood up and head down, as he walks on the sidewalk.

you're quick to pull up next to him, roll down your window and ignore the way he side-eyes you.

"do you want a ride?" you ask him quietly, surprised he's even heard you over the roar of the rain; but he's quick to shake his head silently and continue on his way. you let out a sigh before following behind him, asking him one more time because he really is drenched and it's starting to get dark and cold.

"you're gonna get sick," you say to him, causing the boy to stop in his tracks and stare you down.

"and what does that matter to you?"

you only raise your eyebrow at him, reaching over to open the door and smiling softly as an invitation. he rolls his eyes as he huffs, looking down at his drenched sneakers and feeling it seep into his socks.

so regretfully, some part deep within him feeling ashamed to accept your kindness after the way he's treated you, he gets in and slams the door.

"happy?" he grumbles. you only smirk as you hum softly, eyes peering down to the seatbelt buckle before going back to the road. you feel his gaze on you as you drive, a loud huff leaving him after you stop at the third stop sign.

"what?" you ask, looking both ways before taking your foot off the break.

"how the hell do you get anywhere," he grunts out in annoyance, feeling around in his pocket for a cigarette and agitated when he finds he doesn't have a pack on him.

"it appears i drive like a grandmother, too," you mumble, a snort leaving his nose as he shakes his head.

a few moments of silence pass before you stop at a red light. "i don't get you," he suddenly says causing you to look over at him.

"what do you mean?"

"you really just...don't care about what other people think of you?"

you can't help but smile at the puzzled expression on his face, shrugging your shoulders as you look at him. "no."

his eyebrow raises, something about your soft, small smile causing him to squirm in his seat. "why not?"

"because why do they matter?" you ask quietly, "while i can, i'm gonna live the way i want."

a quiet hum leaves the boy's mouth, at the time not realizing how strange that sentence was coming from a teenage girl.

because he just couldn't understand how a young person would want to live such a sad, quiet life between the covers of books and walls of church. how someone could go on smiling and being happy when they had no friends to make memories with.

"seems like a sad way to live," is all he finds himself saying, a smirk playing at your lips as your brain quips back with a sassy comment. but because you're you, your mouth doesn't open to respond. you simply shrug your shoulders again, looking back at the light just as it turns green.

the rest of the ride is silent as you make your way to seonghwa's, asking him a few times for directions until your car is sitting in front of his house.

"thanks, y/n."

"you're welcome, seonghwa."

he turns to you to see your gaze already on him, his eyes narrowing at you ever so slightly. but then you send him a small, innocent, almost unsure smile and he feels himself grow less guarded.

"i'll see you monday?" you ask, slightly uncomfortable by the silence as you two just look at each other with uncertainty. so the boy next to you shakes himself out the daze, stuttering out "y-yeah, thanks again." he slams your door shut, not hearing your car pull away until he opens the door to his house.

after your tutoring session, you stayed behind at 4:30 to make a study guide for your student and expected to be the only one there.

which is why you were surprised to hear footsteps coming your way and even more surprised when you met the familiar dark eyes of

"seonghwa," you say as you put your pen down on the table. "what're you still doing here?"

"i could ask you the same thing," he says, peeking at the paper before taking the seat across from you.

and that's when you knew he was about to ask for something, like a pardon from this 'stupid volunteer work' (as if you have the authority to do that) or to cover for him one day this week so he can go do whatever normal destruction he does on the weekdays.

because in all the years you've known park seonghwa, he has never initiated a conversation with you.

"i'm making a study guide for my student," you tell him, "she's still having a bit of trouble so i'm hoping this will help her."

he nods his head at you, resting his elbows on the table as he watches you write with concentration for a few silent minutes. "but i know you don't care about that," you say to him quietly before meeting his intense gaze. "so why are you here?"

he lets out a sigh, running his hand through his hair that seems to be out of nervousness. but in what kind of sick, confused world is a man like him nervous to talk to a girl like you?

"i need your help with something."

your eyebrow raises as you look at him, dropping your pen on the table and the noise echoes through the quiet, empty library.

"is...park seonghwa asking for my help?"

he rolls his eyes before blankly staring at you, the dead look in his eye causing you to giggle softly. "what do you need help with?"

your giggle and soft tone relax him ever so slightly, popping his neck to the side and you resist the urge to roll your eyes at his dramatics. "i'm- uh, i'm supposed to write a play for my class."

"okay..." you say as you nod your head. "and you need help...writing it? editing it? coming up with ideas?"

his mind starts to swarm with slight panic and uncertainty, completely out of his element and comfort zone. he doesn't know the first thing about writing fucking plays, you couldn't pay him enough money to even sit through one.

"uh...all of it," he says with a wince, "but i know you're like... a theater geek."

you can't help the snort that leaves you, shaking your head as you look at the boy in front of you. "a theater geek?"

"not like that," he says, tone desperate and unsure and you can hear how uncomfortable he is asking for help. "i just mean like you're probably...good at that stuff."

"ahh, because i'm a big fat nerd, right?"

his eyes close at the horrific turn this has taken; he can't even ask you for help without insulting you. "i didn't mean it like that, y/n."

you watch him for a few moments, hands in his hair as his leg starts to bounce and you decide to finally put him out of his misery. 'i'm just kidding. i'll help you."

his head snaps up immediately, face once ridden by anxiety and panic full of surprise and relief. "really?!"

"really," you say with a smile, "but i'm only gonna assist you. you have to do most of it, okay?"

"yeah, right, of course," he grunts out.

"and you have to take it seriously. on the days we do it, you're gonna have to be focused, seonghwa."

"i wouldn't have put myself through this and asked you if i wasn't gonna take it seriously," he grumbles, watching you furrow your eyebrows at him and quickly realizing he's falling into his dickish ways before mumbling out an apology. "i mean, of course, yeah."

"thank yo-," he says before you cut him off.

"and on one more condition, seonghwa."

he raises his eyebrow at you, nodding his head as he looks at you awaitingly. because he knows it's probably gonna be something stupid like to try his very best or make it from the heart. but the last thing he expects to hear is:

"you have to promise you won't fall in love with me."

everything in him stills as he looks at you, trying to figure out if you're joking with him until he sees how seriously you're looking at him. and then he almost feels bad at the blatant laugh that leaves bubbles out of him, his hand coming up to (fakely) wipe his mouth.

"uh...yeah, okay, that shouldn't be a problem," he says, humor and amusement heavy in his tone. but it doesn't make you feel bad because you just nod your head and shrug your shoulders.

"okay!"

"okay," he says a few seconds later, a small grateful smile on his face. "thank you, y/n."

"you're welcome."

and you can't help but smile back because it really seems as if he's trying to better himself now. apply himself more and show people that he's more than just some 'cool' guy who gets in trouble. because he asked for help and that's the first step in anything required to get better and grow as person.

but sometimes people will ask for help, receive help, and it still won't be enough. because just the next day, you see him in the cafeteria with his group of friends. and perhaps it was ballsy of you in the first place, to see him and hold his eye contact and greet him with a smile that only led him to divert his gaze.

and that should've made it obvious that going over to him was not gonna be a good idea. but because you thought you were seeing a change in him, because you were so excited to see him work with the students and take an initiative to do his project, you walk over and say hi to him.

"hi, seonghwa," you say sweetly, waving at his friends who just look at you with a bewildered expression. "do you wanna start working on your play after tutoring today?"

the second him and his friends let out sarcastic laughs, you know he's about to disappoint you.

"i think you're lost, princess," he says, tone full of venom and spite. "we'd never do anything together."

"unless, of course, you're willing to show him what's under that sweater," his friend next to him says, his eyes roaming over your body and making you back up uncomfortably.

"hongjoong," the tallest one says warningly, like he's probably the only good one within this group.

"oh fuck off yunho, she needs a little fun."

your eyes never leave seonghwa's, the tight, hard look melting slightly since his bickering friends are now distracted. but the change in them doesn't make you feel any better, instead nodding your head at him and quietly saying "okay, never mind then. sorry."

and the fact that you apologize makes him feel like a piece of shit for the rest of the day, even caused him to lash out at hongjoong for saying that pervy comment to you and then get kicked out of his last class.

which is how he catches you right before tutoring starts a 3:15, grabbing you by the elbow and ushering you into the tiny computer lab against your softly-spoken protests. he closes the door behind him and turns to see you staring at him blankly.

"just hear me out, y/n."

"i don't think there's anything to hear out," you say softly, "you made it obvious you don't need my help anymore."

you're about to go around him when he grabs your arm again, your body stiffening immediately causing him to let go. "i'm sorry, i shouldn't...i shouldn't have done that."

and it's like the fact that he knows it was wrong is making it worse. because he knew it would hurt you and make him look bad but he did it anyway to prove a point to his friends.

"but you did," you say quietly. "and i know you don't care, seonghwa, but i really thought you were trying to be better."

he lets out a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance; he really knows how to fuck things up.

"i was. i am. that's why i need your help. please y/n."

a group of kids come barreling through, the girl you're working with catching your eye as she takes a seat at the normal table. you meet seonghwa's gaze that's staring down at you, eyes regretful and tense.

but you know it's only because now he's not getting something out of you, not because he genuinely cares about you being upset and disappointed.

"the drama teacher is really nice," you tell him softly, sending him a small smile as you tighten your bag around your shoulder. "you could probably sit in with her and get some pointers."

"but i wanted you to-"

he can't even finish his sentence when you move passed him and out the door, his body whirling around to see you wave at the curious younger girl. he watches you meet his gaze once more before they flicker back down to the table, your heart sinking every so slightly because you were stupid to think he was capable of changing.

seonghwa was shocked by how much it annoyed him that you were ignoring him. that anytime he tried to get your attention, you would just smile dismissively and busy yourself. that you no longer lingered at the end of the day and gave him words of praise and encouragement.

it, oddly enough, made the next few weeks drag on even longer, his afternoons now an even more dull and dreary experience.

so that's why on friday, purely out of selfishness, he ended his session with the boy five minutes early and waited outside the library like some sort of creep; but if this was the way to talk to you, it appeared he was gonna do it.

you open the door to leave, fishing through your backpack for the keys buried at the bottom and look up just in time so you don't smack right into seonghwa's large frame.

"hi."

you narrow your eyes at him, his body and face lacking it's usual confidence and smugness.

"hi."

the two of you just look at one another, your eyes confused and awaiting while his hold a twinge of insecurity and nervousness.

you had been making it a point to steer clear of him these past weeks, dodging him in the hallways and cafeteria when you noticed him and completely avoiding his presence during tutoring.

"are you gonna make me beg?"

your eyebrows shoot up at his lowly spoken words, head turning to the side in confusion. "what?"

"i miss your stupid encouragement, okay," he blurts out suddenly, "and i miss talking to you. i want...i want you to help me with my play."

you let out a shaky exhale, crossing your arms over your chest and trying to gauge his mood. he could just be saying all of this to get what he wants and make his life easier.

"what's wrong with the drama teacher?" you ask him. "she's nice. i'll even ask her for you if-"

"she's not you."

you swallow the lump in your throat at his words, panicking slightly at how your heart and stomach just reacted; you should not be so effected by him after the way he's treated you.

"that's kind of the point," you tell him, voice strong despite the way you're shaking inside. "it seems as if that's what you wanted the other week."

he lets out an annoyed huff, taking a few steps closer to you and looking straight at you. "that was wrong and i'm sorry, y/n, i am," he says to you, watching your gaze soften as he all but begs you. "but i'm trying here. and i need your help."

you truly take the time to assess him, look him up and down to gauge if he really is trying. but you suppose you won't really be able to tell until you start working with him. and you can't ignore the fact that, no matter how he's treated you or anyone else, he's here and genuine and asking for help again.

a sigh leaves your mouth as you shake your head at him, cursing the fact that's he's not only handsome but persuasive (or at least sly enough to pick the right victims that can't say no to helping people).

the silence that stretches between you two makes him ready to jump out of his skin, not knowing at all what to make of your flickering eyes and blank expression.

but then you utter the word "fine," and he nearly topples over.

"but all the same conditions still apply, seonghwa. even if you're...embarrassed to be seen with me, we still have to do the work and-"

"i'm not embarrassed," he's quick to clarify, your eyebrow shooting up at his blatant lie. "i'm not," he repeats.

you shake your head at him before taking out your car keys and swirling them around your finger. "whatever, it doesn't even matter," you tell him quietly, "just get ready to start working next week, okay?"

the boy nods, thanking you one more time and feeling a twinge in his chest when you smile back and send him a little wave. he didn't expect to feel so much lighter after the conversation, no longer having a pit in his stomach or hearing that small voice in the back of his mind scream at him.

but because he's not completely reformed, he distracts himself with one of the many girls interested in him or with his friends as they smoke and drive around their boring little town.

the boring little town that has an eerie little cemetery just a few blocks from his house.

most days when he walks home, he goes the opposite way because there's something very unsettling to him about death and dying and mourning. he hadn't dealt with any loss in his life properly, going off the rails when his dad left and then again with alcohol and drugs when his grandpa died.

he was actually buried right in that cemetery and for whatever reason that sunday night, something was telling him to pass by and visit. and ironically enough, when he turns the corner, he sees you open the old, iron gate and walk right in.

"what are you doing," he mumbles curiously as he watches you, his interest fully peaked as he speeds up his footsteps to follow after you.

he watches you weave in and out of the headstones, backpack in one hand and blanket in the other as you stand in front of a tombstone and bow your head to pray.

and if anything makes him more uncomfortable than death, it's religion. maybe because he's not sure himself what or who he believes in, fascinated by people who can fully put all of their faith in something that has no proof.

but regardless, he waits until you raise your head and lay out your blanket, placing a few books down next to you as you sit criss-cross style in front of the tombstone.

"so this is how you live on the edge huh? sneaking around a cemetery at night."

you jump at the teasing, deep voice, snapping your head to the side and smiling slightly at the sight of seonghwa. he's dressed in his usual all black, a sliver chain hanging from his neck and a beanie over his dark hair - devastatingly handsome, per usual.

"no sneaking," you tell him. "but that's you, apparently. i didn't even hear you come in."

he shrugs his shoulders as he sticks his hands in his pockets, eyes curiously taking in his surroundings. you watch him look around the cemetery with slight discomfort, his eyes focused on the back corner where a large oak tree stands.

"so were you actually following me?" you ask him, causing him to rip his gaze and look down at you. "or are you here to see someone?"

a few beats of silence pass before he answers.

"would it be weird to admit i followed you?"

a smile covers your face, teeth in your bottom lip as you try to contain a laugh. "not much weirder than me spending my sunday night in a cemetery, i suppose."

a short, deep chuckle leaves his mouth as he rocks on his feet, looking down at his boots so you don't see his own smile forming. "guess that's true."

he looks up when he hears your hand tapping on the blanket-covered ground. "you can sit, if you want."

and for whatever reason, he accepts the invitation immediately. he keeps a good distance between the both of you, his butt just hanging off the edge as he can't help but stare at the headstone in front of him.

he wouldn't dare ask about it though, because how can he just so casually ask which dead relative of yours you're sitting in front of?

"my mom," you say quietly, because it's hard not to know what he's thinking. "she died giving birth to me."

his eyes widen at your confession, a low curse leaving his mouth. "shit."

you nod your head, placing your chin on your hand as you look at the death date. "yeah, it's always a little weird to see my birthday as the day she died."

seonghwa watches your face as you look at the tombstone, surprised not to see sadness or sorrow but the same look of compassion and pureness that always seems to be on your face. and now with the glow of the moon on you, he's realizing that you are kind of pretty. in a unique, natural way but pretty nonetheless.

and if he thought he was surprised to be thinking these thoughts at a moment like this, he's even more surprised when he finds himself asking, "why do you come here then?"

the question holds no malice or judgement, just a genuine curiosity that you perhaps understand. because while it's fairly common for people to visit their loved ones graves, its also something that some get uncomfortable by or don't understand.

"to talk to her, i guess. i think she'd wanna know what's going on in my life."

he mulls over your response in his head, nodding in understatement even though he doesn't really get it.

"what do you talk to her about?" and for the life of him, he can't understand why he's so interested in this. in you, all of the sudden.

you turn to look at him, slightly surprised that he's taking the lead in the conversation and showing an interest. but before he can misconstrue your gaze on him, you shrug your shoulders.

"anything really. i tell her about school or my dad's sermons or what i did during the weekend. sometimes i'll read."

he nods his head again, looking over at the grave and wondering how much this piece of stone has heard about your life.

do you tell it how people treat you at school? how much you volunteer your time to help others and make them better? maybe even how you've been trying to help him but might see him as a lost cause.

he hears the sound of a paper rustling and turns his head to see you, pen in hand, scribbling down something on your book. and even though it's nosy and intrusive, he peaks over out of curiosity.

"bucket list?" he asks aloud. a smirk pulls at your lips as you nod your head silently, scribbling down a #4 on the page.

"do you have one?" you ask him quietly, meeting his eyes that are boring into your face.

"can't say i do," he hums, "though i definitely have a lot of stuff i wanna do."

"like what?" you ask, trying not to show just how interested you are in finally getting to know something about this elusive boy. but then it falls flat when you see him lower his head and shrug his shoulders.

"i don't know," he mumbles, suddenly feeling embarrassed and on the spot.

you let out a small giggle, turning the page and ripping out a piece of paper before handing it to him. he looks down in surprise before taking it from your hands, your fingertips brushing and he can't help but notice how cold your skin is.

"writing it down might help."

you place the pen in between you both, letting the book lie on your lap as you lean back on your hands; his eyes can't help but fall down to peak at the page.

"fall in love, get married, see the ocean," you hear his deep voice read before he sees ".....get a tattoo?!" he asks, voice raising slightly as he looks at you in surprise.

"is that so hard to believe?" you ask, a mock expression of hurt on your face. he chuckles trying to picture you with a sleeve of tattoos, your pastel pink sweater rolled up your arms and showcasing an array of colors.

"kind of, yeah," he laughs out, smiling when your own giggles rings through the cold night air.

"why do you even have one though?" he asks a few moments later, trying to distract himself from the way your giggle just made his heart swell. "don't only people who are like..." he cringes as he remembers you are both sitting surrounding by corpses. "don't you only make these when you're gonna die? get news that you have like a year left to live or something?"

and just like in the car that day, he doesn't think about how sadly cryptic your answer is. how odd the dreary words sound coming from the mouth of a high school girl whose only cares should be about prom or college acceptance letters.

"i could only have a year left to live," you tell him softly, "i could even only have a month left. you never really know, do you?"

he can only nod his head, furrowing his eyebrows because while your words ring true, "that's pretty fucking morbid, y/n."

a small chuckle leaves your mouth at his profanity, shrugging your shoulders as you turn around to look at him. "i guess but it's true though," you say, moving your hands side to side like you're showcasing a house and not a cemetery full of rotting bodies. "after all, look around."

a loud, surprised laugh leaves seonghwa's mouth as he looks at you, shaking his head half in amusement and half in astonishment. "good point," he says, biting down on his lips desperate to quirk up into a large grin.

and it's an odd place and time to spend the rest of the night sharing shy smiles and glances but it happens nonetheless.

by the end of the night, you're both convinced of something: you only further confirming your suspicions that this boy is so much more than the person he portrays himself to be and seonghwa thinking that maybe grandma sweaters and bucket lists aren't that bad after all.

the more you talked and spent time with seonghwa, the more you saw how great he was.

you figured that night at the cemetery was a fluke, that if you ever dared mentioning it or tried to make it happen again that he'd laugh in your face or feign confusion.

so the surprise that ran through you when, at lunch, he plopped down in the seat across from you was truly overwhelming. you had looked side to side in confusion, thinking that maybe his friends all went out or that your budding friendship was all one big practical joke.

but his friends looked just as confused, eyebrows pinched together as they whispered and hit one another.

"your friend's look confused," you say quietly, "you should probably go back." but without missing a beat, he just shrugs and takes out a tattered black notebook.

"fuck them."

your eyes widen at his vulgarity, watching him with a curious, slightly cautious gaze before it softens as he meets your eyes. he holds out his book for you, a shy smile appearing on his face.

"i...wrote some of the beginning last night. do you wanna read it?"

the smile that lights up your face has that familiar twinge in his heart appearing, excitedly nodding as your fingertips brush when you take it.

"the prologue," you correct him gently as you read his opening lines.

"the what?" he asks. a little giggle leaves your mouth as you continue to read, missing the way his eyes soften as he looks at you with admiration.

but his friends don't miss it. don't miss the way he chooses to sit with you everyday for the next few weeks, the way your hands brush as you make edits on your paper and the way his eyes never leave you as you read over his corrections.

"i'm gonna ask you straight up," mingi asks when he's over seonghwa's one night, "what's going on with you and church girl?"

the boy can only look up from his notebook, shaking out his aching hand as he raises his eyebrow at the boy.

"what?"

the taller boy can only roll his eyes, going over to the open window as he lights a cigarette. "you like her."

"mingi..." seonghwa says warningly, not wanting to get into this right now. they'd be giving him shit every chance they got, poking fun at his newfound desire to succeed in school.

"i'm not giving you shit, i just wanna know," the boy says, "because it seems pretty obvious."

seonghwa rests his feet on his desk as he looks over at the boy, letting out a sigh when he sees how genuine and indifferent he looks.

"i might," he says because it's a fact he's been mulling over since that night at the cemetery.

ever since then, he's been overwhelmingly eager to see you and please you. he keeps wanting to show you time and time again that he's capable of doing this work and tutoring the kids. keeps wanting to see that happy smile that lights up your face or your soft voice squealing about how good his play is coming along.

"you might," mingi laughs out, blowing smoke out the window as he shakes his head. "you absolutely do."

"i'm gonna push you out that fucking window," seonghwa grunts, a smirk crossing the boy's face as he shakes his head.

"that's not very holy of you," his friend says, sarcasm and teasing in his tone. "what ever would y/n say if she found out you-"

mingi's words are quickly cut off by high-pitched yells as he watches a cup of pencils and pens go hurling towards him.

and whether it be a twist of fate or just pleasant circumstances, tutoring sessions on one friday afternoon are cancelled for construction in the library. the both of you look at one another and somehow know it's mutually decided that you're gonna work elsewhere, even though it's friday and there's a party going on at his friend's san's house.

"we only have to work for an hour," you tell him as you guys step outside the school. "i know there's a party tonight."

"do you wanna come with me?" he blurts out before he can even stop himself, shocking the both of you. the boy would laugh at the terrified, wide-eyed expression on your face if he wasn't so thrown off by how quickly and impulsively he asked that.

"i...uh...don't think that's a good idea," you say quietly, eyes trained on the floor shyly. and then you nearly fall right down when you feel his hand on your jaw, lifting your face so your glossy, nervous eyes meet his.

"nobody would mess with you if i was there," he says lowly, the protective, confident words causing you to swallow nervously. but you only shake your head slightly, the feeling of his hand on your face so foreign and bare-minimum but sending your little heart into overdrive.

"it's not that, i'm just...i wouldn't do well there."

his eyes search yours for any hint of a lie, that maybe you actually wanna go but fear that stupid girls or guys would make fun of you for whatever idiotic reason they can think of tonight. but then your small smile assures him even further,

"i probably wouldn't do well there tonight, either," he says, your eyebrows furrowing as you look at his eyes shining with certainty. you're about to ask him to clarify when he removes his hold on your face, taking your smaller hand in his cautiously.

"what are you-"

"you drive here today?" he asks and you can only find it in you to shake your head.

"we'll walk to my house then?" you stare blankly at him before looking down at your intertwined hands, feeling a blush creep on your face as you're successfully rendered speechless. you hadn't really know what to expect or feel holding someone's hand but it definitely wasn't this, wasn't this feeling of closeness and warmth and excitement.

when you look up and he sees the pinkness on your cheeks, he can't help but smile. seonghwa looks down at you questioningly, raising his eyebrow and looking at you until you stutter out "ye-yeah that's..good." he intertwines your fingers and pulls you along the sidewalk, holding your hand and occasionally looking down at you the entire way to his house.

he ends up missing the party that night in exchange for writing, editing and playfully rehearsing his lines with you. his chuckle fills the room when you dramatically read your lines, giggles leaving your mouth when he cringes at the fact he wrote some of this dialogue.

he drove you home after the sun had set, your hands intertwined as they rest on the console. shy gazes and quiet giggles fill the car, your softly spoken "goodnight seonghwa," ringing through his head for the rest of the night.

and then much to his dismay, after two months of preparation and work with you, his play was due. you had worked together in the library one last time, your encouragement and assurance that he would absolutely get an a filling the boy with an unfamiliar feeling of pride and excitement.

he had worked hard, you both had worked hard, and he'd never been so excited to hand in an assignment in his life. and apparently, it all had paid off because he was able to showcase a big, 100% to you in red ink.

"seonghwa!" you squeal, clapping your hands in the empty library and throwing your arms around him without a second thought. "i told you, you were gonna do amazing!"

but he can't even think about your words with your arms around him, the feeling of your body against him the final confirmation for him he 100% absolutely likes you (as mingi so juvenilely put).

you feel his body stiffen and realize what you've done, quickly drawing your arms back and flushing as you quietly apologize. but then just as the words leave, his arms are around you as your head rests on his chest. once you've recovered from the shock, you allow your own arms to slowly go back around him, the both of standing in the empty library wrapped in each other's arms.

and it's a strangely intimate hug for just a good grade on a paper, your arms tight and hearts pounding as you feeling a buzzing in the air changing everything you've worked to build over these past months.

"do one more thing for me, y/n?" you hear him lowly ask in your ear.

you meet his gaze nervously, biting your lip as you stare at him with a wide-eyed gaze. "what?" you squeak, your voice barely coming out.

"let me take you on a date."

convincing your father to allow you on a date was one thing. but convincing your father to allow you on a date with park seonghwa was damn near impossible.

"dad," you whine for the twentieth time that day.

"y/n, i'm telling you, i'm not comfortable with this."

"you're not even giving him a chance, dad," you tell him softly at the table, your eyes trained on the clock that reads 6:50. "he's gonna be here in ten minutes."

because whether your dad approved or not, you were going on this date. you had gone your whole life without dating or boys and even having a crush and now you were overwhelming ready to try it out. despite your nervousness and despite the fact you have absolutely no experience, you're excited.

seonghwa has brought out something in you that was suppressed for so long, that you only read about in books or watched other couples. but now with your shy smiles and intertwined hands under the table at lunch, you're convinced that he's your first love.

"y/n, i'm uncomfortable with this for more than one reason," he says, sadness and apprehension in his tone; it makes your heart sink a little bit. why does he have to bring this up now? why can't he just let you have one night to be a normal teenager?

"why, dad?" you ask, voice far too even and calm even though you already know where this is headed. and apparently he can tell too, because he grabs your hand from across the table and squeezes it apologetically.

"i'm not trying to upset you," he says, "i just don't know if you should start something when..."

"i'm fine though. i feel fine."

his face turns into one of shock and confusion, not once hearing you snap at him. but then he notices you look...different. a short-sleeved dress over your figure with a hint of blush and mascara on your face. your eyes flickering to the clock and door before back to him and he feels his heart pull in his chest.

"i know you do," he says, pulling his hand back and running it through his thinning hair. "you didn't help him, did you?"

"of course not," you quickly get out. "there's no need to tell him."

"no need to-" the words die in his throat so he doesn't start a fight or upset you just minutes before your first date. but he knows that if you actually accepted to go out with a boy, you have to like him and there has to be some sort of...connection between the two of you. "what if this gets more serious?"

a knock at the door causes you both to jump, your neck snapping to over as you see seonghwa's handsome face through the glass. "then we'll deal with that when it comes," you tell him, voice serious and intense. "just please be nice, okay?"

and with that, your dad watches you open the door and greet seonghwa with a smile, ushering him in as you giggle when he says something lowly. you drag him over by the hand, seonghwa and your dad standing only a few inches away from one another a sight you'd truly thought you'd never see.

"hi sir," seonghwa says, his voice deep but friendly as he outreaches his had. "it's nice to meet you, i'm-"

"park seonghwa," the older man finishes, taking the boy's hand roughly and shaking it before dropping his hold. "i see your mother church every sunday. but i can't say the same for you."

"dad," you whisper, face flushing in embarrassment.

"it's okay, y/n," seonghwa says quietly before he looks your dad in the face. "i...probably should go more but-"

"no need to explain yourself to me, i was just saying," he tells him, watching the way seonghwa's face falls slightly and you narrow your eyes at him. "where are you guys going tonight?"

"just dinner, like i told you," you say, voice tight and arm grazing seonghwa in an attempt to bring him comfort; and even if he doesn't need comfort, you need his skin on yours to ground you. but your dad meets his gaze, causing seonghwa to quickly confirm the plans.

"yeah, just dinner. i borrowed my mom's car."

a quiet hum leaves your dad's mouth and seonghwa feels the nervous pit in his stomach growing, like he's judging him for being a possible satanist who still borrows his mommy's car. but even if he is thinking that, he smiles warmly at the both of you reminding him to have you home by ten.

"will do, sir," he says, already telling himself to have you home by 9:55 so if anything, he's at least punctual. you all but drag seonghwa out of the house, wave to your dad and thanking the boy quietly when he opens the car door for you.

he starts the car and there's a few moments of silence before he lets out a frustrated sigh. "he hates me."

you let out a soft giggle as you shake your head, tapping his arm playfully. "he doesn't, he's just...protective." seonghwa only looks at you, completely unconvinced if the blank stare he's giving you is any indication.

"okay, maybe a little," you say softly, the boy rolling his eyes away from you despite the smile on his face. you watch him drive and admire his sharp features, wondering how and why on earth this boy asked you on a date in the first place.

he turns to look at you when the light turns red, his eyebrow quirked up when he sees you're staring at him. "what?"

"nothing," you say, shaking your head before you shyly say, "i just can't believe you asked me on a date."

he bites his lip to hide his smile, taking his hand off the wheel and taking your hand in his. "you look pretty," he says suddenly, causing you to sharply inhale and nearly choke on air.

you never imagined someone other than a family member or elderly woman at church calling you pretty, completely thrown off and unsure how to respond. but the pinkness creeping up on your cheeks is a dead give away that it's effecting you, his eyes roaming over your face as his smile finally breaks through.

"really pretty."

and so you don't completely go mute and dumb, you tease "it's just because i'm not in a grandma sweater." but he only rolls his eyes and taps you on the nose, "i've come to really like those grandma sweaters."

a quiet giggle leaves your mouth and he can only smirk as he looks back at the road. the light turns green and your heart flutters ever so slightly when instead of disconnecting your hands, he brings it to his lips to place a soft kiss before resting it on the console between you two.

your hands don't disconnect when he pulls up to the restaurant nor when you walk in and wait to be seated. you look around at the other couples in the area and that's when it hits you that you're one of them. that right now you're on your first date and have absolutely no idea what you're doing.

"what're you looking at?" he quietly hums in your ear, watching you look around at the other young couples embraced in a handhold or back hug.

"nothing," you say quietly before looking up at him. "i just... i've never been on a date before."

his lips press against your head and you hear him laugh against it, your eyebrows furrowing as you smack his stomach lightly. "stop laughing," you whine.

"but you're cute," he hums lowly. he hears you let out a sigh and disconnects his lips from your head, taking your cheeks in his hands and ignoring the way your eyes widen at the contact.

"just relax for me, yeah?" he says lowly, staring down at your wide-eyed gaze and feeling such an overwhelming desire to kiss you. "it'll be fine. there's nothing to worry about."

"but i don't kn-"

"seonghwa, table for 2," a female voice interrupts. his eyes widen teasingly as a quiet gasp leaves his mouth. "let's go, baby"

and, of course, he was right. it was fine. the second you sat down and looked over the menus, you fell into a natural and teasing conversation that carried on the rest of the date. everything was always light-hearted and fun, never delving into serious topics or issues.

he paid the bill after eyeing you the second you pulled out your wallet, a blush crossing your face as you quietly mumble out your gratitude. he took your hand in his, you shyly looking down and watching your fingers intertwine as he leads you through the parking lot.

"where are we going now?"

you look up at him and see him watching you with a small smirk, probably from the permanent blush on your face, and relishing in the fact that he's the one that put it there. "you'll see."

the two of you walk hand-in-hand across the street, tiny squeals leaving your mouth as seonghwa abandons the crosswalk signs and runs straight across. low chuckles leave his mouth as he tightens his hold on your hand, dragging you in front of him and shaking his head.

"you think i'm gonna let you get hit by a car?"

"i just don't know why you couldn't wait," you say, amusement in your voice. "do you have to always prove you're just such cool rule-breaker?"

his eyes widen at your uncharacteristic snark, a smirk playing at his lips that only makes your small, smug smile grow wider. "rule-breaker, huh?" he hums, "is that what you really think of me? i got a 100 on my play, you know."

a laugh bubbles out of your mouth as you roll your eyes playfully, your heart secretly soaring because you just know how proud he actually is of that. and something about it is so cute, that he now knows he's capable of succeeding and doing well.

"oh right, i'm sorry," you tease, looking up at him to admire his smiling face in the setting sun. and you don't know if it's just because you hadn't known him well or only saw him in bad situations but you never noticed just how handsome and sweet his smile is.

you see the exact moment something in his eyes change, your gaze following his before you let out at tiny gasp. because to all the places this boy could've taken you, like some sort of underground ring or a crazy house party, you're both standing in front of-

"a playground?" you squeal, trying to contain the childlike excitement building in you.

"yeah, is that stupid?" he asks, an unsure smile on his face as he looks down to gauge your reaction. but then he sees your eyes traveling from the swings and slides, feet wiggling beneath you and he feels his heart soften even more.

your neck then snaps up to look at him, a shy smile on your face as you quickly shake your head.

"not at all," you say, tightening your hold on his hand. "i just wouldn't expect that from you."

"and why's that?" he asks, dipping his head ever so slightly as his words fan over your ear, "because it's against the rules to go into a playground at sunset."

your eyes widen when you look up at, a tiny scoff leaving your mouth. but before you can get the words out to chastise, he pulls you towards the fence that is short and easy enough for you both to climb over.

"are you sure you're okay?" seonghwa asks, bent down with his hands on your knees, watching you breathe heavily as you sit on the swing.

the two of you had ran around the playground like children, racing down the slide and then chasing after each other when one of you lost. you squealed as he caught you around the waist, his hands digging into your hips and nearly making your heart explode. but he was always quick to loosen his hold and take his hands off you, demanding a rematch as you watch him run up the steps.

"yeah, i'm fine," you say, leaning your head against the cold chain and flooding with relief. "just out of shape."

a scoff leaves seonghwa's mouth as he watches you carefully; you don't look out of shape. "i'm fine, seonghwa," you whine, feeling his gaze still on you. but he only narrows his eyes, rubbing your exposed skin before standing up and plopping down on the swing next to you.

the two of you swing in a comfortable silence for a few moments, admiring the dark sky and singing cicadas. head still on the chain, you turn yourself to look over at him and he must feel your gaze because he does the same, eyes roaming over you because he doesn't like how lethargic you've become.

"thank you for asking me on this date," your soft voice says suddenly. "i...i had a lot of fun."

he watches your cheeks warm with a smile, holding his hand out for you to grab again. you take it immediately, his eyebrows furrowing at how small and bony it feels in your hand. but he ignores it because he doesn't wanna ruin this moment, be distracted from the soft smile on your lips and the pink on your cheeks..

"yeah?" he says, "i felt some pressure, being that it was your first and all."

a quiet giggle leaves your mouth as you shake your head. "well it was perfect so good job," you say, "another 100."

he snorts at your nerdy comment, turning his face away to hide his smile and look at the rest of the playground. he hadn't come to this playground in years, remembering it so vividly from his childhood. remembering how it seemed so big and scary like some sort of deathtrap that he could only handle because he had someone next to him.

"i used to come here a lot, you know."

"yeah?" you ask, voice happy and light as you picture a young, exuberant seonghwa.

"mhm," he hums, a lump suddenly in his throat as if it's begging him not to say his next few words. but some part of him wants to tell you, break down some unfamiliar, vulnerable side of him in an effort to show he really is trying for you.

and what better way to do that than woefully spilling about his absent father?

but then when he finally says, "i used to come here with my dad," he wishes he hadn't. because it's embarrassing and kind of humiliating to talk about these types of things with a person you're starting to-

"that's sweet," you tell him softly, smiling over at him warmly. "he sounds like a good dad."

"he left a few years later."

your body stills and veins run cold when the words leave his mouth, your heart tugging in your chest at the sad, short way he says it.

"oh."

an awkward chuckle leaves his mouth as your surprised response, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously in fear that he just ruined the vibe between you both. but before he can try to backtrack, however the hell one could backtrack something like that, he feels your hand squeeze his.

"i'm sorry."

he looks over at your soft, sympathetic gaze and smiles sadly, feeling the overwhelmingly need to cup your cheek and brush over your soft skin.

"not your fault," he says. you move further into his touch, swallowing at the way his eyes roam over him your face.

"well, it's not yours either," you squeak out, unsure of what exactly to say to comfort him but wanting to so bad.

because sometime within these months, you've discovered what a kind, sensitive person he actually is. how all of his troublesome behaviors and bullshit was just covering up for the fact he was sad and frustrated.

he lets out a scoff, wanting so badly to kiss you in that moment.

"where were you years ago," he laughs out, thinking back to his middle school self creeping through the schoolyard and etching his rage onto the brick of the school. going back to his dark, sad house filled with his mother's cries and no trace of his father anywhere.

because for some reason, the boy had convinced himself it was all his fault. that his dad had gotten tired of his bad grades and snarky backtalk and the fact that he never listened to him. and it took him up until a few years ago, when the sadness turned to anger, that his dad left purely due to the fact that he was just an asshole.

you smile sadly watching him stare blankly, knowing his mind is probably going to all sorts of sad places. to a time in his life where he blamed himself and didn't know how to properly cope. and if you had known, you would've done what you did now. offer him your support and friendship and let him know someone will be there for him.

"i'm here now though," you say quietly, moving the swing back and forth, in synch with the way your thumb starts gently brushing over his hand. and it's like the feel of that brings him back to reality, his blank eyes turning to look at you and wonder if you're even real.

the way he's looking at you causes you to nervously fidget, the intense softness of his gaze making your stomach and heart go into frenzy. so much so that you shyly look away, focusing on the way your hand always looks so small in his.

but then you feel him bring his swing closer to yours, holding himself right beside you and lifting your chin gently. his eyes immediately fall to your lips and you let out a shaky, nervous exhale, your eyes darting across his face because you've definitely read about this before.

the buzzing energy before a kiss, the way someone's eyes lower and tongues dart out to lick at their lips.

"i wanna kiss you," you hear him mumble, his eyes moving to yours and his heart dropping when he sees your wide-eyed gaze. but he also sees a hint of curiosity, a hint of the same desire and need in yours.

you swallow again, your own eyes falling to his lips before back up to him. "i... might be bad at it."

and if your statement didn't make his heart hurt in the best way possible, your eyes proved to be the bigger weakness. proved to make a smile spread across his face, a short chuckle leaving his mouth as he shakes his head at you.

"that's not possible," he hums, his gaze boring right into you, like he's waiting for any sort of permission. so after you let out another shaky exhale and close your eyes, you feel his lips press lightly against yours.

and while it's a careful, slow kiss, it doesn't take away from the fact that it's perfect. that it makes your insides warm and flutter and brings an immediate blush to your face. that after a few moments, he pulls away and rests his forehead on yours and makes you feel like that was the nicest thing to ever happen to you.

you take a few calming breaths before opening yours, dropping your eyes shyly when you see him looking right at you.

"see," he mumbles, placing a kiss on your cheek, and then the other, before a finishing one on the tip of your nose. "not possible."

a flustered, girlish giggle leaves your mouth that he can't help but also laugh at, rising from his spot on the swing before standing in front of you with his hand outreached.

"what?"

his lips turned into a frown before he kneels down in front of you again, placing his hands on your knees. "as much as i don't wanna leave you right now, i gotta get you home."

and true to his word, he gets you home five minutes before ten, silently hoping your dad sees and logs in it the back of his mind where his lack of church attendance is also stored.

because even though he sleeps in on sundays and kissed his daughter two more times, he's really hoping he'll be okay when he comes to pick you for date number two next week.

date number two turned into date number six and then over the next few months, you both had started to lose count.

if you weren't together at your house, doing homework and end of the year projects in the living room, you were at the cemetery or playground. leaned back against his chest on a blanket, his arms wrapped around your waist as he hums quietly against your head. his hands grazing the small of your back as he pushes you on the swing and watches you tip your head back in the air.

tonight's date, however, was a surprise. he had told you on monday to clear your schedule for saturday, silencing you with a peck of the lips any time you pressed him further. but your constant questioning proved served to be of no use because even in the car on your way to the surprise, he wouldn't budge.

if anything, he made it worse by then whipping out a blindfold and securing it around your face at a red light.

"do you trust me?" he had asked, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. you only let out a sigh, lips turning into a pout because "of course i do." and then that right there sealed your fate for being complete blind for the next twenty minutes.

but then the car suddenly stopped, the scent of salt hitting your nose through the open window and making your eyebrows furrow together; you had never smelt anything like this before.

"i'm gonna get out and open your door, okay?" he told you, the sound of his door shutting quickly followed by yours opening. you reached out your hand for him to grab, a foreign softness under your sneakers when you step out. he guides you for a few minutes with your blindfold still on, letting out huffs and grumbles every now and then that were silenced by his laughter.

and then when you hear what sounds like crashing water and the loud chirp of a seagulls, you hear his voice from behind you tell you take it off. and when you do, even though you were coming to figure out where this crazy, perfect boy had taken you, the gasp that leaves your mouth lights up his entire face.

"number three, see the-"

"ocean!" you squeal, turning around to throw your arms around him. his laugh is muffled against your head, his lips pressing a kiss on top on your hair.

"thank you, seonghwa," you say, tightening your arms around him as you press your chin into chest, looking up at him with a bright, excited smile. and he can only find it in himself to smile back, take your face in his hands and place another full, kiss on your lips.

and luckily, your kissing has gotten a lot better with practice. pressing up on the tips of your toes to deepen it, your mouths gliding and parting as a breeze from the ocean hits both of you.

when you pull apart, his eyebrow raises mischievously, both at your new found boldness and the prospect of exploring the ocean, so he takes your hand in his.

"you're welcome, baby. now let's go."

he pulls you toward the water as your giggles ring through the salty air, squealing when you feel the freezing water on your bare feet and jumping in seonghwa's arms when a big wave splashes up and hits your leg.

but then he completely uses that to his advantage, tightening his hold on you and running further out into the ocean. and he doesn't care that his pants get soaked and his feet go numb, because your loud laugh and squeals of his name have come to be his favorite sound.

you eventually jump down and deal with the consequences that are freezing bones and a wet dress, running away and splashing through the ocean before he catches you by the waist and twirls you around.

but then he notices that concerning, lethargic wave hit you when you grab onto his arm. so he quickly ushers you out of the ocean, guiding you onto the towel that he laid out and wrapping his arm around your shoulder.

"what happened?" he asked, voice full of concern, "are you okay?"

but you insist the you're fine, that the waves of the ocean were rough and that you're not used to it. you push him down when he asks again if you're okay, allowing your head to rest on his chest and watching the waves crash onto the shore as the sun sets below the horizon.

"i can't believe you took me to the see the ocean," you mumble against his chest, still in disbelief that this is the same seonghwa you've known your whole life. the same seonghwa that constantly wore a pissed off expression and punched anyone who looked at him funny and yelled at you during tutoring.

"i like to see you happy," he says, his words genuine, without a single hesitation which makes you burrow your head and smile into his wet shirt. "which is why i have another plan for us."

you perk up at this words, lifting your body and sitting cross-legged beside him. "another surprise?" you squeak excitedly, reminding him of a child on christmas day.

"yup, another surprise for my girl," he says teasingly, sitting up to peck your cheek. "and if you say yes, you'll be my tattooed girl."

he has to keep his poker face on but it proves to be a challenge with the way your face drops, eyes wide and skin paling as you stare at him blankly. "wh-what?"

"yeah, i figured we'd just cover number four too," he says sweetly, faking it just a little bit to sell his point. "so i looked up tattoo shops around here and-"

"what?!" you squeal out again, feeling panic start to creep in your veins. "seonghwa! i-i can't actually-"

"but why not, baby?" he asks, the smirk tugging at his lips uncontrollable. "it's on the bucket list."

"okay, yeah, but you don't have to do everything on it."

his eyes narrow at you, tapping you on the nose that you naturally scrunch. "i think you do when there's only four things on it." your eyes remain wide and panic-stricken, staring at him mouth agape like he's grown five heads.

"seonghwa," you manage to get out, "you have to be- you're joking, right? you have to be joking. i can't go home to my dad with a freakin'-"

your words halt when you watch him throw his head back in laughter, wrapping his arm around your shoulder as he pulls you into him. "of course i'm joking, baby. do you think really think i'd bring you home with a freakin' tattoo?"

heat rushes to your cheeks as you push him over, slapping his chest playfully and yelling at him for being so mean and scaring you. but then he's quick to push you onto your back, holding himself above you and peppering kisses over your face and cheeks as an apology.

"that's why i got these," he says after he pulls back, fishing in the back pocket of his jeans and pulling out five white cards. your eyebrows pull together in confusion, lifting yourself up and gasping when you see an array of temporary tattoos.

"these are perfect!" you squeal, taking them in your hand and examining each of them as if they're not gonna fall off by the time you get home. and after careful consideration, you pick out a purple butterfly.

"i want this one. you pick now," you tell him with a smile, laughing when he goes with the identical butterfly in pink. the both of you run to the ocean, securing your tattoos in matching spots with cold salt water.

"this is so nice, imagine i really got one," you say, twisting your wrist as you hold your arm out in front of you. you look over to see him watching you softly, feeling a blush creep up on your face.

"what?" you say, shy embarrassment suddenly in your tone.

"nothing," he says causing you to shrug and look back at your tattoo. but then his brain screams at him that he has to tell you, that this night can't end without him telling you.

so then ten minutes later, with your head resting against his chest watching the steady ocean waves, he quietly says your name. you hum questioningly against his chest, feeling your eyes grow heavy at the tranquility of... everything. of his presence and the ocean and the way your life just seems so-

"i love you."

and just like that, all the tranquility is gone.

you rip your head away from his chest, eyes darting to his to see such raw vulnerability and love shining in his eyes. you can't control the way your own widen, the way your heart and stomach twist and turn into knots and make you feel even more nauseous than usual.

because he can't love you. he can't. something could happen at anytime and take you away from him and then what's gonna happen? you can't be responsible for hurting him and making him feel sad, even if you're-

"now would be a good time to say something," he says lowly, feeling his heart sink at the evident panic on your face. but then he starts to panic when he sees your eyes fill with your tears, backing away from him slightly as you shake your head at him.

"i..i told you not to fall in love with me."

"and on one more condition, seonghwa."

he raises his eyebrow at you, nodding his head as he looks at you awaitingly. because he knows it's probably gonna be something stupid like to try his very best or make it from the heart. but the last thing he expects to hear is:

"you have to promise you won't fall in love with me."

"uh...yeah, okay, that shouldn't be a problem."

his heart sinks at the flashback, watching tears stream down your face and not being able to help the way he reaches out and takes you in his arms. because he thinks you're probably just scared and vulnerable, not used to the feeling of loving someone and giving another person your entire self.

but neither is he.

and that's why with his lips against your head, he tells you not to be scared, that he'll wait until you're ready to say it back and that you'll learn to do this together. and he thinks it must calm you down a little because your arms wrap around his waist and you burrow your face in his damp shirt, muffling your cries and sobs against his shirt.

but your cries and sobs only continue later the night, putting on a strong front for the car ride home. seonghwa kept his hand in yours, intertwining your fingers and occasionally bringing them up to his mouth to kiss. and every time he did it, you looked over and smiled at him and tried to show through your eyes how much you loved him back.

but then the second you got home and your dad saw your face, he knew.

"did he tell you?" he asked gently, his heart breaking at the sight of your red cheeks and teary eyes. and you can't talk without sounding broken so you only nod your head, nearly collapsing onto the couch and hiding your face in your hands.

"you knew this was gonna happen," your dad says, not wanting to say i told you so but knowing from the start how reckless and tragic this was gonna be. "you have to tell him. be fair to him, y/n."

but nothing's fair. nothing about any of this is fair and you should've known life was getting too good. that you should've been expecting what tragic events were about to come.

"let's take our bets now," san says from his table at lunch. "is he gonna sit with her today?"

"when was the last time he sat with us?" yeosang grumbles, looking around the boy's faces that hold a mix of anger and hurt. "he's definitely not."

they hadn't seen much of seonghwa at all, really. missing him by the time they all gathered in front of the school after the final bell or going to his house on the weekends just for his mom to inform them he's already out. and while most of them didn't care, the older boy with hard eyes and a ticking jaw has been taking the 'betrayal' hard.

"who knew he'd become such a little bitch," hongjoong snarls. "and for her nonetheless."

mingi and yunho share a look, the two of them kind of caught in the middle. because they're best friends with hongjoong, have been by his side since elementary school and don't intend on breaking that alliance.

but they're also close with seonghwa and see how different he is now. how much happier he seems because you're around and in his life. they had even met you briefly after school and while you were a bit shy, there was something genuine and warm about your smile that they instantly liked.

"she's good for him, i think," yunho dares to say, hongjoong's narrowed eyes snapping to him.

"how could she be?" the boy snarls, embarrassed that anyone he associated with could be connected to the snobby, holier than tho type like you. "i bet she doesn't even put out."

"i bet it's not about that," mingi says quietly, stiffening ever so slightly when he notices both of you come through the door. and like seonghwa always does, he sends them a nod of his head before sitting down across from you. your bumping arms and loving smiles make it obvious to everyone what's going on between you two.

hongjoong can only watch for so long seonghwa be a 'lovesick bitch' towards you. rolling his eyes when he watches him fawn over you, getting your food and drinks and not allowing you to lift a finger.

(but he doesn't know it's because seonghwa's getting more and more concerned about how fatigued you're growing throughout the day, something in his gut telling him it's way more than you forgetting to drink water or not getting enough sleep as your excuses say).

and then when he watches his friend tuck your hand behind your ear lovingly, a move they both would've laughed at before seonghwa lost his balls, he decides it's time to get his friend back.

"what're you doing?" he hears his friends ask from behind him but he only waves them off, stomping towards the table and rolling his eyes when you meet his gaze first.

"seonghwa," hongjoong says, annoyance already in his tone. the boy looks up and he stiffens, immediately recognizing the look in his friend's eye.

"hey," he says, voice tight and cautious.

"are you done with this shit or what?" and the anger bite in his words has your head dropping immediately, eyes focusing on your lap as you try to properly prepare yourself for the worst case scenario.

and that's exactly what happens the second seonghwa asks "what are you talking about?" because it's like hongjoong goes off the rail, scoffing as he looks at his friend.

"you're kidding, right? you haven't sat with us in months. we haven't even hung out."

"i've been busy..." seonghwa says but it sounds more like a question, completely thrown off by his friends odd behavior. what is even getting so mad about?

"with what? your girlfriend?" the last word twinged with disgust

seonghwa's eyes travel to you and the second he sees how uncomfortable you are, he stands up and towers over hongjoong.

"we can talk about this later."

"no, i think we should talk about it now," hongjoong says condescendingly, everything about his tone and stance making seonghwa's fists clench. because he can tell it's making you more and more uneasy.

"what the fuck is your problem?" seonghwa asks lowly, pushing his friend back.

"my fucking problem is you dropped all of us the second this bitch came along."

the first time you brokenly get out "stop" is when seonghwa's immediate reaction is to grab hongjoong by the collar of his shirt, the low mumble of student's voices when they see the first inkling of a fight.

"don't call her that."

a sadistic smirk crosses hongjoong's face as he stares into seonghwa's dark, blazing eyes, seeing just how quickly he's about to lose his control. the boy's eyes than flicker to you looking at them fearfully.

"let me tell you, y/n. your pussy must be pretty-"

seonghwa lands a punch on the boy's face before hongjoong's back is slammed against the wall, a hand around his throat as his eyes blaze down at him. "shut the fuck up."

"why?" hongjoong laughs out despite the crushing weight on his windpipe, "you mean we're not gonna share? i think we're all very-

you hear yourself begging seonghwa to stop when he drops hongjoong to the ground, giving him a few forceful kicks in the stomach before the rest of the boys jump up. they grab the back of seonghwa's shirt as you join them, trying to block out the way hongjoong and him are screaming and cursing back and forth.

and whether it be from the chaos of fighting or you're already weakened, fatigued state, your vision blurs and your brain feels foggy before you whisper out seonghwa's name. you feel an unfamiliar pair of strong arms around you before passing out and your world turns black.

yunho carries you out to his car, mingi attempting to calm down seonghwa who hasn't stopped calling your name frantically, cursing hongjoong and saying how this is all his fault. but the two boys are quick to ground him, tell him that that's not what's important right now and instead deciding where to bring you.

seonghwa rakes his fingers through your hair, your head lolled on his lap and he feels sick looking at how pale and sunken your face looks. "baby, what happened to you," he mumbles out, his long finger coming out to trail over your cheek.

the second yunho pulls up to your house, seonghwa picks you up bridal style and rushes to your front door. your dad catches the sight through the window and nearly collapses in fear.

"what the hell happened?" the older man asks frantically, terrified and haunted by how you look lifeless in the boy's arms.

"she passed out at school," seonghwa grunts out, mingi and yunho awkwardly standing in the doorway watching him barrel through your house and rest you on the couch. he kneels down and runs his fingers through your hair again, the lump in his throat making it nearly impossible to speak. "i-i don't know happened. she said she was feeling tired but-"

"you have to go."

his head snaps up at your dad's words, the man watching him with hard eyes and a pale face. seonghwa can only squint his eyebrows at him, shaking his head as you takes your hand in his.

"with all due respect sir, there's no way i'm-"

"you are," he says, his voice hard and firm and such a contrast to the peaceful way he speaks in church. "you shouldn't even be with her."

the statement takes seonghwa back, his eyebrow raising as he squeezes your hand before standing up. "what?" the boy asks, making his way over to your dad. "why?"

"seonghwa, maybe we should just-"

"no," seonghwa growls, his head snapping to the doorway before back at the older man. "why shouldn't i be with her?"

the pain and worry in seonghwa's eyes is overwhelmingly obvious, the love and care he has for you completely genuine and real, but right now that's not your dad's concern. because if you were a normal, healthy teenager, he knows the boy in front of him would be perfect.

but you're not normal or heathy and adding another person into this mix of hurt and worry and pain is something he just can't do. even with the fact in mind that you love him and he loves you, that it's not his call to make and he's being incredibly selfish, he does what he thinks is best at the time.

"because she's too good for you. she deserves more and it's selfish of you to think otherwise."

the room, the house, the entire world seems dead silent after those words leave his mouth, seonghwa not only taken back and pained by the fact he said it but because it rings slightly true. he's known since this started that you were too good for him and he didn't deserve you. but he's been trying to prove himself worthy by treating you well, listening to all your dad's rules and just being patient and loving you.

"i...even though that's true-" seonghwa begins to say but the older man takes a step closer to him, his face full of anger and frustration as he tells him once more to leave. and that's when mingi comes in and grabs seonghwa by the arm, the boy fighting against his friend's hold as his eyes move back to your unconscious body.

"mingi, fucking stop," he screams, fighting against his friends hold and feeling himself grow more and more anxious the further he gets from your house. but the hold on him doesn't loosen until he's put into the car, the two boys jumping in front and turning to see him bouncing his knee nervously.

"how am i not supposed to be there," seonghwa says as he looks at your house. "she's gonna wake up and i'm not gonna-"

"she'll be fine," yunho says gently, mingi nodding in agreement before adding on that your dad is there and everything will be fine. that you just need to rest and that you can talk tomorrow.

but when seonghwa visits your house, both, saturday and sunday morning, your dad turns him away. tells him you're too sick and can't be around people right now. and even when he pleas for just five minutes, just to talk to you and see with his own eyes that you're okay, he still says no.

it's not until the man slams the door in seonghwa's face that he lets his hard exterior down, his body deflating and eyes stinging because he hates that he has to do this. hates watching you sit on the couch not meeting his gaze.

"y/n, i'm doing this for-"

"don't say it," you snap, "i'm going to school tomorrow and i'm telling him."

your dad lets out a sigh, sitting down next to you on the couch and running his hands over his face. "the doctor said..."

"one day isn't gonna kill me," you say, your dad's face falling before he quietly mumbles out his approval and goes into the kitchen. you both cry separately, pretending like the both of you aren't doing so and wondering why this had to happen.

and the tears just follow into monday, holding them back all day when seonghwa catches you before first period and takes you in his arms. "you scared me so much," he mumbled against your head, his tight hold on you nearly crushing you but you don't care; you both need this and you'll only need it more later.

later being when the library cleared out after tutoring. seonghwa noticed you purposely lingering by wiping down the tables and slowly putting your things away. but he didn't say anything, instead choosing to lean against the wall and admire you moving slowly around the room.

the room where you guys got to know each other, where you went from strangers to friends and watched each other grow. where he remembers being so defensive and wary of you because he couldn't believe someone like you actually existed.

you feel his eyes on you and smile at him with a raised eyebrow. "what?"

but he only shakes his head, holding his arms out in front of him and causing you to roll your eyes; who would've guessed that the man with every full intention of ignoring you would grow to be the clingiest boyfriend known to man?

not that you're complaining. because you're quick to make your way over and wrap your arms around him, your head resting against his chest and his hold on you tight and warm.

"are you sure you're okay?" he asks, not being able to shake the feeling that something's wrong with you. your stomach plummets when you realize the conversation is about to happen, that nothing is stopping it and now you're here finally about to tell him.

"i'm okay," you say, standing on your tippy toes to press a kiss to his cheek. his smile quickly falls, however, when you add on, "but there is something i need to tell you."

his eyebrows furrow at the seriousness in your tone, taking one look in your already glossy eyes and seeing something is seriously wrong. so as nervousness floods through him, he takes you by the hand and leads you over so you both can sit down.

"what?"

his panic starts to increase more and more as the silence between you stretches, your tongue licking at your dry, chapped lips and your pale skin nearly translucent. every time you try to get the words out, he sees you close your mouth and shake your head.

"you're freaking me out, baby," he says, squeezing your hand before taking the other. "please, just tell me."

"i'm...i'm sick," you eventually get out, swallowing the lump in your throat because you know that's not good enough. know that when his eyes narrow and he says he knows, that your dad told him yesterday, you just have to say it.

so that's why your first set of tears and sobs come, your face falling into your hands as you shake your head over and over. and he thinks it scares him more than anything, watching how fast you break down and sob out apologies, barely able to acknowledge his arms around you.

"y/n, what? what is happening? please tell me."

you pull back and wipe the wetness off your face, lip trembling and voice shaky when you're finally able to gather the strength.

"i have leukemia."

the words don't sink in at first, his heart reacting but brain convincing him that, no, that's not what you could've said. there's no way you could have cancer.

"no," he says, shaking his head as a humorless laugh leaves his mouth. "you're- you're perfect, you can't-"

"i was diagnosed two years and i've...stopped responding to treatments."

you watch through tears and a breaking heart as his head falls into his hands now, breathing in and out like he's trying to prevent himself from having a complete panic attack.

there's no way you could have cancer. there's no way you could have cancer and be dying when you're a perfect high school student. there's no way you would've kept something like this from him.

"and you...you're just deciding to tell me this?" he asks, his head snapping up so you can finally see the tears in his eyes. "why the fu...why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"i didn't want you to feel weird or be...different around me," you whisper out quietly, "i was just gonna try to go on with my life and be normal and then just... die quietly or-"

he shoots up from his seat, the clattering of the chair falling back causing you to jump. you watch him pace around the room like he's unhinged, his hands pulling at his hair as he shakes his head.

"die quietly," he snarls out, his jaw ticking and tight and he wants so badly to punch something. "die quietly. what the fuck does that even mean?"

you can only cry quietly watching him pace and digest the news, your head hanging low as the salty tears seep onto your lips. he's walks over to you and kneels down, his hands on your knees as he looks up at you with teary eyes.

"please tell me this a joke," he says, his voice wavering and wet and broken. "please tell me you're not..."

but because you can't tell him that, you don't say a word. and it's like that's all the confirmation he needs to know his girlfriend, the first person he's learned to love and the first person to ever see something in him, is dying.

so he can only cry into your lap, your hands running through his hair as you mumble out apologies until the library falls pitch black.

your condition worsens over the next few days, landing you in the hospital and seonghwa in a depression. he doesn't leave his couch or eat for three days, his mom softly cooing and begging to tell her what happened.

but it's like he's lifeless, his eyes void of anything but sadness.

and it's a sight that his mom can't stand to look at any longer. she had noticed the change in her son immediately, used to his usual teen angst but quickly realziing this was so much more than that.

so she called out of work and sat down next to him, not saying a word but just stroking his hair the way she did when he was a child. she didn't press him about anything, didn't ask if something had happened with the lovely girl he had brought home weeks ago or if he wanted to talk about anything.

and then after an hour of just sitting with him in silence, it's like the boy finally had the strength to say it aloud.

"my girlfriend... she has leukemia and she's dying, mom," he said, so straight-forward and matter of fact, like he's not able to grasp that he's talking about you. and the woman feels her heart break for a moment, her eyes swarming with tears as she wraps him in a hug.

"i don't know what i'm gonna do," he says once he's able to speak again. "i..what am i gonna do without her. i love her."

"i know you do," she says gently, her heart truly aching for the both of you right now. "but she's still here, seonghwa."

the boy can only look at his mom watching him with her soft gaze, knowing his own face is a red, tear-stained mess. "what?" is all he manages to cough out.

"you should be with her right now, while you still can," she says, not wanting to upset her son further but knowing he needs to hear this. "enjoy the time you have and make what she has left worth it. you both need that, don't you?"

and that was just the kick he needed to get off his couch and charge over to the hospital. barreling into your room and feeling tears come to his eyes again at the sight of you in a hospital bed.

"seonghwa," you weakly say, your lips quirking up when you see the boy standing in the doorway. and then your heart lifts when he smiles back at you, cautiously making his way over to you and whispering out an apology.

"it's okay," you mumble out, leaning into his touch when he places his hand on your cheek.

"it's not baby, i was an asshole."

and the last thing he expects to hear you do is giggle, sunken eyes shining as you look at his confused expression. "what could you possible be laughing about right now?"

"just that it takes me dying for you to admit that you were once an asshole." and perhaps it's too soon for you to be making jokes like that because his face falls as he backs away from you.

"that was a joke," you say quietly, pouting in hopes that it'll get him to lighten up. but his lips only form into a thin line, teary gaze shooting around the bare hospital room before back at you.

"it's not funny."

you hold your arms out to him, uttering a tiny "come here." he falls into them immediately, his head burying in your neck and you feel tiny, tears hit your skin ever so often.

"i'm sorry," you tell him, feeling your own sorrow hit you. because you're not only sorry for your comment but sorry that you waited so long to tell him, sorry that you're now putting him through this and that he's gonna have to watch you grow weaker and weaker.

"please don't," he mumbles against your head. "you have nothing to be sorry for." and he knows by the look you give him that you think it's a complete and utter lie. but you really don't have anything to be sorry for, he understands why you didn't tell him and why you wanted to remain going on like a normal person.

because if you did tell him, he would've never dragged you all around the state on date nights and weekend getaways. he would've been far too concerned and nervous, fawning over you and choosing instead to do the same old thing you always did.

so you guys just agree to disagree, his lips crashing down on yours and you smiling against them before a very flustered nurse comes in and apologies for interrupting.

and given how much seonghwa never leaves your side, how from the second he gets out of school until he leaves (at his bribed time of 11:00 pm), you end up apologizing to every member of the staff.

on the days you have the energy, you'll walk hand-in-hand through the garden and slow dance with the elderly couple you've met; you guys had seen them dancing and they noticed your looks, smiling softly before all but forcing you to join them.

and on the days that you have more often than not when you feel tired and drained, he sits at your bedside or even crawls in next to you. your dad had walked in one night to see you both asleep on the tiny bed, seonghwa's arms around you protectively with your head on his chest, and forgets that he never properly apologized to the boy.

"this is why i did it," the man says to him the next day. they had left to get you soup you'd been craving, pushing seonghwa by his back and sending him a thumbs up despite the terrified expression on his face.

"what?"

the man looks at seonghwa as his eyes gloss over. "i didn't wanna involve someone else in this heartbreak. i was...i was trying to spare you."

and while the boy can empathize with his reasoning, even feels slightly grateful for it, he finds himself shaking his head. "i love her."

"i know," the man says, putting his arm around seonghwa's shoulder and squeezing it gently. because how could he not when he sees the way you both look at each other. "she loves you too."

"i know," seonghwa says, smiling happily before taking a deep breath. "and that's why i wanted to ask you something."

and so it was a random wednesday night, summer break now in session and successfully keeping seonghwa at the hospital, when you completed your bucket list. when you whined at him to kiss you and his eyes lit up, like he was waiting for you to say something of the sort.

"on one condition," he says teasingly, his eyebrows shooting up playfully as your lips are just a few inches apart, so close to giving you what you so desperately want.

"what," you whine, your lips turning into a pout.

"marry me."

the wedding was held at the church your dad preached out, a small group of your friends and family gathered for the celebration. it had been the happiest day of your lives, not a hint of a sadness or heartbreak despite the circumstances.

you ate and danced and sang like you were any other young bride, dragging seonghwa out on the dance floor who's hold on you never loosened. he stepped on your feet and you got the cake in his nose but it didn't even matter. because you were able to get married and fall in love with park seonghwa and he was responsible for some of the best days of your life.

but seven months later, seonghwa finds himself walking through that same cemetery he (admittedly) followed you into. it was place where he first realized there was something about you he was gonna fall in love with, where he saw just how much you were gonna effect and change his life.

he had not only finally learned how to love but how to grieve. learned that he didn't have to be destructive or hide behind his fake persona. that he had people in his life who cared about him and would be there to listen to him.

it's how he's coping day by day, knowing that the pain in his heart will never go away but that he'll learn to live with it. that memories and reminders aren't supposed to make you sad but serve as a way to carry on someone's life.

so with the blanket he has under his arm, he lays it out and places it in front of the grave. he drops down the flowers he's brought every month since that devastating day and just begins to talk.

"why do you come here then?"

the question holds no malice or judgement, just a genuine curiosity that you perhaps understand. because while it's fairly common for people to visit their loved ones graves, its also something that some get uncomfortable by or don't understand.

"to talk to her, i guess. i think she'd wanna know what's going on in my life."

he mulls over your response in his head, nodding in understatement even though he doesn't really get it.

"what do you talk to her about?" and for the life of him, he can't understand why he's so interested in this. in you, all of the sudden.

you turn to look at him, slightly surprised that he's taking the lead in the conversation and showing an interest. but before he can misconstrue your gaze on him, you shrug your shoulders.

"anything really. i tell her about school or my dad's sermons or what i did during the weekend. sometimes i'll read."

he talks about his upcoming semester of school and how excited he is about it.

"i wish you'd be able to see me," he says quietly, the lump forming in his throat making it difficult to breathe. he stands up to run his hand along the cold stone, his long fingers trailing over it before he moves back and looks over the engravement.

and then a few moments later, he feels arms around his waist and smiles softly at the feeling. "you okay?" the soft voice asks him quietly.

"yeah," he says lowly, feeling the presence behind him move. "just telling her about school."

a quiet, soft hum rings through the air. "she'd be proud of you, you know."

his eyes look over the grave once more before turning around, his eyes and smile softening. "i know." he stands there silently, looking down at the headstone before picking up his blankets and saying his final goodbyes.

"see you soon, mom."

he turns around and meets your teary gaze, taking you in his arms and placing a kiss on the top of your head. "no crying, pretty girl."

the doctors had called your remission nothing short of a miracle, transporting you to a different hospital where new treatments were being held. you all had been convinced that it was gonna be a waste, almost denying the treatment all together and letting the spot go to someone who's family hadn't come to terms with their loved ones death.

but then seonghwa's mom came in and softly encouraged you to take it, her hand holding tightly onto yours like she knew you guys were gonna need each other come the time.

"you say that every time," you sniffle, pouting as he wipes at the tears on your face.

"because you cry every time."

your soft giggle rings through the cemetery, your hands intertwined as you walk out of the squeaky gate that always reminds you of the night you shared your bucket list.

(the bucket list that now has way more than four things on it).