I found myself yet alone again standing in a fool room of people as tears threatened to run down my face. I cannot and will not let anyone see me in this state; sad, pathetic, scared and alone. I needed to find a bathroom fast. I hurtled out of the living room staggering down the hall. As I walked past the series of rooms I heard a faint sound coming from one of the closed doors.
I stopped.
The club music was still thumping loudly throughout the house and yet I could make out this distinct noise. I walked over silently pressing my ear against the door. There was a slow melodic music playing from inside and it grew ominously the harder I listened. The music grew louder and louder then it came to a harsh stop followed by various voices. There were people in there talking about something that I couldn't make sense of. I listened for a while then it occurred to me that the TV was on.
Surely someone was in there watching TV or the TV was left turned on with no one inside. An empty room with a TV seemed very appealing to me right about now. I needed to be by myself, away from all this mess. Letting my curiosity get the best of me I took the knob into my hand, turned it and opened the door towards me then stepped inside.
As soon as my feet hit the room my eyes landed on none other than Logan Whitlock. I wanted to run and close the door behind me but it was too late, his smoldering Hazel eyes were right on me, questioning my sudden presence. He has hot eyes and I got weak at the knees the more he continued to look at me.
He was sprawled out on the bed flat on his back with one leg bent. His arms were crossed in front of his chest. I realized that I'd been looking at him for too long and I needed to say something but I couldn't muster up anything. There was a lump rising in my throat, my mouth became impossibly dry, I absolutely couldn't swallow__ it was just the usual symptoms.
"Can I help you with something?" He asked in that deep husky voice of his. I didn't answer. I couldn't answer I didn't know what to say. There were a number of things he could help me with but telling him would expose my true feelings for him and I couldn't risk that. So I said nothing standing there stiffly behind the door with my heart pounding and my palms sweating.
After what seemed like an eternity of silence it hit me that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity that may never happen again. No matter how flustered I was I had to say something. Anything would do at this point. I tried to gulp but I had no saliva in my mouth.
I scratched my throat clearing it up the best I could. "I...." I began to say. "I was just um...." I'm screwed. I've had dreams about this and here I was a freaking mute.
He sat up looking at me eyes widened like he just made a new discovery. He grabbed the remote putting the TV on mute. "I know you," he said. He paused to think about it. "You're in my health class." He pointed at me with his index finger. I felt like I just won the lottery. I screamed uncontrollably in the inside. I couldn't believe he actually knew who I was.
"You are in that class right?" he asked to make sure. When I didn't say anything he added. "Mrs. Fuller, 5th period."
I nodded. "Yes." But it came out smaller than I intended. I clasped my sweaty palms together to rub them.
"I knew I recognized you" he said brightly.
He recognized me. OH MY GOD Logan Whitlock recognized me. I did a standing back hand spring back tuck in my head smiling the whole time like a true doofus.
"That class is fucking boring isn't it."
I nodded again. "Oh yeah," I actually really liked health. It was very educational, it thought us young things how to lead a healthy lifestyle, slow down on the junk food and fast foods. I look forward to Mrs. Fuller's long lectures about promoting health every day. Of course I couldn't tell him that because when the boy you're hopelessly in love with says he finds one of your favorite classes boring you have no choice but to agree with him.
He shifted on the edge of the bed then ran his hand through his messy locks. "You must think this party is really lame huh?"
I nodded once more. I have got to find another way to agree with him. "Kinda," I said. If only he knew what I was going through my mind right now.
"I mean__ here I am watching TV," I quickly glanced over at the TV and saw that The Gladiator was playing. "And here you are probably looking for a place to escape." He shook his head. "Every Friday night Jamie throws the same fucking party with the same people. There's no novelty about them anymore, you know."
I shook my head as if I knew. I've only been to three of his parties counting this one and tonight I planned to make it my last.
"All I'm saying is that this is getting old."
"Yeah I completely understand." I said.
"Yeah well you should tell Jamie that." He said looking pissed. "Maybe if more people tell him to stop he'll stop."
I moved forward unexpectedly, awkwardly. "I think people kind of enjoy coming here every Friday nights though. It gives them something to do." I unclasped my hands letting them fall to my side.
"Why are you here then?"
Why am I here? I repeated the question in my head. I didn't really want to answer him. I didn't wanna lie to him either to seem cool so I said, "I had nothing better to do."
He smiled a half crooked smile. My heart took off racing. I was pretty sure he could see my heart beating in my chest.
"That makes two of us." he chuckled. He tucked a piece of hair behind his pierced ear. A small silence fell between us, just a sliver though__ enough for me to try and capture every detail about him in that moment. I was in awe at how good looking he is. It's no wonder that every girl at school practically swooned over him.
My phone buzzed in my back pocket. I dug it out and saw that Quinn was calling. Out of all the times she chose now to call me. Damn her I hate her. When I looked back up at Logan his face was turned back to the TV and it was no longer muted. I had to leave in a subtle way that seemed cool so he could remember me.
"Um I gotta go." I said, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt. Gosh I'm so awkward. I thought to myself. "I'll see you at school."
His voice is husky and low. "Yeah see you around.
I wanted to throw myself at him on the bed and give him one of those long passionate kisses you see in movies. I knew better than that, I didn't even have it in me to look him straight in the eye. So I backtracked away from the room leaving as slowly as I could with regret written all over my face. I sighed after closing the door. If only it could be. I thought.
♥♥♥
I ran into Quinn in the living room. She was pacing frantically back and forth. The crowed seemed to be thinning out. She looked apologetic but smelled like shit.
"I'm so sorry I ditched you to get high." She hugged me. "It was my idea to bring you here and I left you behind. I'm so sorry Spencer. I didn't even do anything 'cause I felt so bad."
"It's fine." I said. It didn't matter to me anymore. I was still in shock that I had an actual conversation with Logan. If she hadn't ditched me I probably wouldn't have ran into Logan and we wouldn't have talked. It wasn't the deepest of conversations but it was something and up until tonight I had never uttered more than two words to him.
"Wow you forgive easily." She pulled away from the hug to study my face, and then out of nowhere she started sniffing me like a police dog. There might have not been that many people around but there were enough to notice the high level of weirdness taking place in front of them. I pushed Quinn away from me.
She looked suspicious. "You smell different, something's going on." She accused. "Something you're not telling me."
"Nothing's going on Quinn." I lied.
"Wait!" She held her right hand up. "Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you. I even ran into Chloe who by the way looked like shit......" she laughed. "So where were you?"
I didn't answer her. I'm not obligated to answer her. The anger I felt earlier fueled through me again. How dare she questioned me like she was my friend? I shook my head at her walking away.
"Spencer!" She called after me.
I didn't turn back I just kept walking. I pushed the front door open furiously stepping out onto the porch. The street lights seemed brighter than they did before.
"Were you with someone?" She called from behind me. I didn't reply I just kept walking fast to her raggedy car. "Who was it?" she was next to me now.
"No one." I shouted. She raised her eyebrow at me. "Take me home please, I don't wanna be here anymore?"
She crossed her arms in front of her flat chest. "I'll take you home when you tell me who you were talking to."
I considered my options. If I tell her I'm at risk of people finding out because I still don't completely trust her yet and tonight was a perfect example of that. If I don't tell her I was going to stand here all night and have a stare-a-thon with her.
"Let me in the car and I'll tell you." I huffed.
"Okay." She said holding back a smile. She got in the car and seconds later I was sitting in the passenger seat glaring at her.
"Quinn." I began. "What I am about to tell you, you have to promise never to tell anyone." I said in my most serious tone.
"Cross my heart and hope to die." She held up her right hand as if taking an oath.
I took a long deep breath. If we're going to be friends__ yes I said it, friends, and I really needed one right now I might as well tell her. After all this is what girls talk about the most right.
"Do you know Logan Whitlock?"
She gasped, "Logan's my buddy." Then she caught herself and put her hand over her mouth.
"You know him?" I asked. She nodded. "Like know him, know him?
"Yeah I've spoken to him a few times. He's a really cool dude"
Does she know everyone?
She leaned closer to me and whispered, "Wait you don't like him do you?"
I nodded yes shaking my head vigorously. "Since freshman year." I confessed.
"Oh my God." She shrieked. "You like Logan, this is awesome I can hook you guys up."
"No!" I exclaimed. "He can't know."
"Why not?"
"Because....." I lingered trying to think of an answer. "It's complicated."
She snorted a laugh. "What's so completed about it? You see the guy, you like the guy, you go after him."
She made it sound so easy. I'm sure that's the exact method she's used in the past but I'm not like that, far from being like that.
"Spencer." She continued. "You've liked this guy since freshman year. Have you ever done or said anything to him."
"No." I said. "Tonight was, like, the first conversation we've ever had."
"What's stopping you from telling him how you feel?"
"Like I said before It's complicated Quinn__" She opened her mouth to say something but I held up my index finger to stop her. "It's just that.... I've liked him for so long and now it kind of became this.... thing. Like an obsession except it's really not, I like him very much and that's been enough keep me going, I've been living off it. I'm just scared that if I tell him he'll reject me and I won't have the fantasy anymore.
"Aww," Quinn cooed. "That sounded very poetic but I see it in a totally different way"
"How do you see it?"
"You want Logan and you've wanted him for a while now. The problem is you're way into your head. You're practically swimming in your thoughts and that's what been getting in your way."
She made a valid point but it wasn't enough to convince me. "Girls throw themselves at Logan everyday. What makes you think he would want me?"
"Because Spencer.... There is no because! You're hot as hell, you're funny and smart. He'd totally go for you, I know it."
I was amazed. Did Quinn just say all these nice things about me? I looked at her face to make sure. She looked serious, like everything she just told me she meant every word of it.
"Thanks for the compliment but I've seen the type of girls he's been with and I'm nowhere near as hot as them."
Those girls are just airheads. You're mature, and smart. She paused. "I can help you, you know. I know where he hangs out, where he lives, who his friends are."
Now I was the one raising my eyebrow at her.
"What? He hangs out with this guy I like or used to like, anyways let's get back to the topic at hand here. Are you going to let me help you or not?"
I thought about it for second. Did I really need Quinn to help me out with this? I always hear about the guys she's hung out with or the guys she's slept with but never have I heard about the guys she's dated. I highly doubt she's ever been in a relationship. How could she help me? Now I was really apprehension.
"Earth to Spencer," Quinn snapped.
I looked back up at her. She looked so eager so I said why not. It would give us something to do and talk about.
"Ahhhhhh." She squealed. "This is going to be so much fun." She hugged me.
"If you say so." I said solemnly. I was still unsure about all this.
I felt a pang of relief as we pulled away and I got to see her face. She was grinning like a six year old which in turn made me grin as well. I was glad I shared this with her. I was a lonely girl no more; I had a friend and it just so happened to be Quinn Stewart. Who would have thought it?