I woke up screaming again and the lights turned on as I shivered in the bed. Mom walked over to me and sat beside me. She didn't say anything as I tried to compose myself. Finally, I couldn't keep it in anymore and started sobbing, leaning over onto my mom's shoulder. She put her arms around me and I just sobbed even more. Ever since I was taken out of the government facility and was finally able to go back home, I have had nightmare upon nightmare ranging in all directions. From Kasai dying, Mars dying, me dying, my parents completely rejecting me, Kole killing me, Dawaen beating me, getting cut open, exploding from trying to give birth, being trapped in a coma... It all felt so real and trying to sleep just seemed like an impossible task.
"I'm sorry." I told Mom, feeling that was the only word I knew anymore.
Whenever I woke up, she was always there. Either her or Dad, but I knew that neither of them were getting any sleep because of me. Mom rubbed my face softly, leaning in my head.
"It's okay, honey... What was it this time? Do you want to say?"
"Kasai again.... I just can't stop... Every time I try to close my eyes something bad happens. I know they are just nightmares but they are so vivid and I can feel everything. I'm so exhausted..."
"Have you thought about talking to Dr. Armiallo? I know you don't really want to but this is starting to become detrimental to your health. Have you slept even four hours straight since you've come back home?" I shook my head no. Getting an hour of peaceful sleep would have been fair enough for me. "I think you really need to talk to her. She's offered for everyone involved to speak with her for free... I'm going to schedule you an appointment."
"No, I'll be alright..."
"Maxxy." Mom pulled away and made me look at her. "Baby, it's okay to let someone else help you through your problems. You're not alone anymore and everyone around is pretty much on your side about everything that happened. There's no more doubt or speculation anymore. You can talk about it and no one will make fun of you..."
"I don't really know how, Mom... I just... I've had to keep this to myself and understand it for myself for so long without anyone's help that... that saying it..."
"I know it's hard but you went through a lot of trauma, Max, things that me and your father just can't help you with... things that we don't know. We are here to help you with anything you want us to and now that we've gotten out heads out of our asses, please know that we will never leave you... but even so, we inadvertently traumatized you as well. We left you when you so vulnerable and so confused... we should have been there..."
I got on my knees and hugged her. "I understand."
"Whether you understand or not is not the point. The fact of the matter is that we -your parents and the ones you trusted the most- left you to deal with all of this weird and convoluted mess alone. It's not right and to know that we actually did that you..."
"But you're here now... that's all that matters to me."
"We should have been there then... but in the meantime, Dr. Armiallo is willing to listen unbiased and help to treat these issues if you let her. You deserve to have a normal life now."
I laughed and pulled away to look at her. "A normal life? What does that word even mean anymore?" She laughed a little too and started to get up but I found myself grabbing her arm, panic flowing through me. "Don't go!" I let go and tried to keep my composure. "Please... please stay..."
She smiled and pulled her legs under the covers. I laid my head on her shoulder and fell asleep almost immediately.
***************************
That was the first time I think ever slept as good as I did. When I woke up, though, Mom wasn't there. I felt that familiar panic and bolted out of the room. When I started to go down the hallway, I heard my parents talking.
"You need to stop helping him, Genny."
"How can you say that?"
"Look at your arms. I'm not saying don't help-help him, I just mean... Max..."
I was standing in the doorway as Dad looked up from the table.
"Am I bothering you?" I asked.
"No..." Dad said, seeming confused.
"Then why are you telling Mom not to help me? Are you A972 again?" I growled.
Dad looked hurt and pissed off at the same time. "No... Max, it's not what you think-"
"Then what do I think, huh? Now I'm too clingy because I don't have a baby in my stomach to mess with my hormones without my control? I can't get comfort because I'm too old for it?! Because I'm a boy and we should be stronger than this?! I'm not man enough to take care of this by myself?!"
Dad got up quickly and grabbed my arm, pulling me to him. I made this weird noise and started trying to fight him, trying to get away. I didn't need pity! My dad is stronger than he seems and since I couldn't get away I started attacking him, scratching and hitting and kicking and I even bit him. He didn't budge.
"Stop it." He said calmly.
"NO! You're not real! You're making fun of me! You don't care what I've been through! You just think I should be able to handle this myself because that's how men act! It's not funny! IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!"
"I am not laughing at you, Max. Son, you need to calm down for a moment so that I can talk to you."
I struggled a little more when he squeezed me hard, making me gasp as I lost my breath for just a second. I went limp as Dad knelt down and pulled me into a ginger hug.
"Will you please calm down and listen?" I nodded. "I am and would never make fun of what you have been through. I would never make light of the tortures and trauma that you have gone through, but you're becoming delusional. You haven't slept in weeks and all you've had are nightmare after nightmare. You're mentally and physically exhausted and things are just declining into chaos. When I told your mom not to help you it wasn't regarding what you're going through, it was in regards of what happens when you try to sleep." He pulled away from me to look up at me. "When you close your eyes, you have nightmares and when you do, if anyone tries to help you during that time, you go into hysterics. You hurt people..."
My eyes widened and I looked over at Mom who was at the dining room table watching us calmly. In front of her is a bunch of medical supplies and on her arms are scratches and bruises. I started to shake, realizing the damage I've caused.
"I'm sorry..."
"We know, son; we aren't blaming you... Have you gone to see Mars or Kasai? It's been a while since we left the facility..." I shook my head. "Then let's go see them."
"NO!" I screamed, pulling away. "No! I can't see them! It's all my fault they are there!"
"None of this is your fault, Max." Mom said from the table.
"If I wasn't friends with Mars then we wouldn't be there and if I hadn't fought with Dad about the car then I wouldn't have gotten taken and... I..." I started hyperventilating, everything and nothing all at once crowding my head. "I... if... It's all my fault! My son is dying and my friend is in a coma! I keep hurting everyone! I just... I can't..." I put my hands over my face as I sobbed again, sinking to the floor. "What is wrong with me?!" My mind was being thrown in a million different directions. Everything and nothing was crashing down on me. I was having a complete mental breakdown. "Why can't I think straight?! Everything is coming and going and smashing into my brain and there's just so much! I'm scared and angry and upset and... and... and"
I felt Dad touch my hand and pull it away from my face. He then pried the over one off as well and made me look at him.
"I need you to breathe for me a little, okay? Take a deep breath. I'll do it with you." We both breathed in deeply and then let it out slowly. "You feel a little better?" I nodded. "Good; now, listen to me for a minute, alright? Your mother and I will never leave you, we will always be there for you. I know we said that last time and failed, but we have learned out lesson and we have vowed to never do that again. That being said, though, we can only do so much. You have to also try and help yourself. We can offer our hand to you all day long, but you don't take it and let us pull you up, then we can't help you stand."
"Your father is right, Maxxy." Mom said, kneeling next to dad. "We are doing everything we can but if you won't talk to us about what's in your head then we can't help you sort through it all. We have offered and other people have offered, but you have to take the initiative to accept it. Bottling it up is what causes this stuff to happen. We want you to be happy and go back to whatever normal is defined as now, but this last venture is not like it was the last time. Too much has happened for just your father and I to help you all the way through."
I sniffled but nodded, understanding that I needed more than just their moral support anymore. There was a lot of stuff I didn't understand as well that were causing a lot of these problems.
"You need to go see Kasai, Max." Mom said. "I know you don't want to, but he's your son. If he were still a child, would you not be there right now?"
"It has nothing to do with his age, Mom."
"Then..."
"I feel guilty. I'm the one that caused him to have all the pain he's gone through. The reason he is the way he is, the things he's also had to endure with the Elbaskins... He was so happy to meet me, a man he never met... Then, when he's finally able to meet me..."
"No one could have ever predicted that was going to happen." Dad said. "You can't blame yourself for something out of the blue."
"But it's because of me that Aaron attacked him."
"Not everything can be your fault, sweetheart. It's not a race to see who can build up the most guilt-wins." Mom said with a roll of her eyes. "Now you're just trying to take credit for circumstance..." I smiled a little and she smiled back. "There's that smile... The point of the matter though, is that you need to get back on track. You need to speak to someone so that you can get some sleep and try to settle down. I think once you've settled, you can have a better control of your nerves and your emotions."
"Okay... I guess you can make me an appointment for Dr. Armiallo... and I want to see them, Mars and Kasai."
Mom nodded and Dad helped me up from the floor. We went into the kitchen and after Dad helped Mom with her arm, she made some breakfast.
*************************
"Hey, Dawaen's here if you wanted to see him." Zylith said as she met me outside the facility.
"Why would I care?"
"You guys have become pretty good friends now, I hear."
"Yeah, we're friends now. Why is he here anyway?
"He came to see Mars and he was going to see Kole but he usually makes up an excuse and goes to see his kids instead. For someone who didn't want anything to do with them, he sure is devoted." She said with a laugh.
I smiled, but it kind of made me feel bad. Dawaen could come and see his kids but I couldn't even come and see mine? I felt Zylith put her hand in mine.
"What's up? You okay?"
"Not really. I'm not sleeping very well and so I'm exhausted and I feel bad for not coming by sooner to see Kasai. I mean... Dawaen can do it but I can't? I'm a failure as a parent."
"No you're not. It's understandable why you may have wanted to give yourself space... but you're here now, aren't you? That's got to count for something."
"I guess..."
"Are you going to talk to Dr. Armiallo?"
"I don't really have a choice. I'm having vivid nightmares every time I go to sleep and my emotions are going off the charts. If I don't get any help, I will literally go insane... I'm going to go see Mars now. How is he? Anything new?"
"No, he's still in his coma. There is a lot of brain activity coming from him but we can't seem to penetrate that barrier to get him to come out of it. We have thought about doing a Dream Room session to see if you could connect with him kind of like what he did for you."
"What about A972? Isn't he in charge of the Dream Room or something?"
"Didn't you know? We isolated A972 into a small section of the mainframe so he can never get out and mess with anyone again. Well, at least everyone but one person."
"Kole..."
"Unfortunately his ability to manipulate him kept him connected and so whenever we isolated him, we also had to isolate Kole's brain so... He can still access Kole's mind but everyone else he can't."
"Are you sure you've got him locked up tight? I mean, he's not exactly stupid."
"My scientists and technologists swear that they have him locked away in a file that is big enough for him to walk around in and then climb out the 'window' (so to speak) that leads to Kole's mind."
"I see... I'll have to look into it little more before I suscept my mind to that crazy bastard."
She nodded and I followed her the rest of the way to Mars' room. As I walked in, I saw Mrs. Holt in there holding Olympus. As the door opened, she looked up and smiled at me. Olympus screeched happily at seeing me and I smiled a little.
"Max."
"Hey, Mrs. Holt..."
"This scene seems familiar, huh?"
She was referring to when he was in the coma the first time and I smiled.
"Yeah, but... different feelings I hope?"
"Of course... I'm surprised you haven't been by more often."
"I've been having issues and I just..."
"Don't worry, hun, I'm not going to guilt trip you about it. I know you've got a lot of things going on. You look like hell... or rather it spit you back out."
"I've been having a hard time sleeping due to nightmares I've been experiencing..." Olympus made another screech, angry I wasn't paying him any mind. "Hey, Lym-Lym... Can I?"
Mrs. Holt nodded and held Olympus out to me. I got a hold of him and pulled him to me as he grabbed my finger.
"He looks healthy. Has he been growing normally?"
"Kind of. He's not growing at the rate your son was growing but I can definitely tell that he is highly intelligent for a child his age. Plus, he has the ability to reason and even though he's not even a month old, well... you see him."
"Yeah... He'll be a smarty, won't ya?" I asked, tickling his tummy.
Olympus giggled as I played around with him for a bit.
"Max, may I ask you a serious question?"
"Sure."
"I was wondering if your parents know about your scars."
I froze for a moment, turning to her as she looked at me calmly. I made a face.
"Are you-"
"Don't worry, I'm still Adah Holt, but I'm not an idiot. One of the reasons why I didn't want you to be around my son was because I knew you did self-harm. I didn't want that to rub off on Mars but... Either way, your parents probably ignored it because they don't want to think that you do (or did) that sort of thing."
"How did you know?" I asked, looking at Lym as he sucked on my finger.
"You came and swam in the pool at the house and I guess you were having so much fun that you took off the T-shirt you had been wearing. I came to bring you guys some food and I saw them all over your body. I didn't say anything and Mars didn't say anything so I figured this was supposed to be a secret... Mars confirmed it later though, when we thought you were dead. He told us about the tree house, everything... Are you going to tell your parents about all of that?"
"Why would I bring that up? Why are you bringing it up? No one's ever cared and now all of a sudden it's a concern? It's no one's business and what does it matter to you? You're not my mom."
"No, but your parents deserve to know. From what I understood, a lot of what happened in the beginning of this horrible journey is due to them not understanding how you feel."
"We resolved that already. These are from a past that was riddled with uncertainty and pain that I couldn't understand. I'm better now."
"Are you?"
I got angry and handed Olympus back to her.
"What the fuck does it matter? And who are you to judge?" I snarled.
"I'm not judging all, Max. Your parents have been turning a blind eye to your previous behavior for a long time. They didn't want to think that their son's life could be so bad that he would do this thing, but as parents we have a tendency to justify actions to fit our agendas... like how Mars was treating you. I turned his kindness into being manipulated, making it something that it wasn't in the worst way possible. You all have gone through so much convolution and lies and unknown deception that maybe a little bare truth would help bury the past for good. Your scars may be permanent on your body, but you need to erase them from your heart. I have to go and change Lym... Just think about it, Max."
She left the room and I was left with my unconscious friend. I was angry and scared at the same time and for once, I knew why. How could I ever tell them about my scars? It's in the past... We already fixed the problem, right? Why would she even bring it up? Did my parents ask? After all this time? I walked over to Mars and sat next to Mars, leaning my head on his leg.
"Mars, I need you... I don't know what to do... I just... I really need you..."
Max? Max, can you hear me?