I have been on cloud nine ever since that Wednesday. Akala ko noong una nagalit si Daddy at Mommy, but then I remembered he did tell me he wasn't opposed na maging kami ni Jaxx. At tinawanan ko sya.
I was so happy pero at the same time, gusto kong sakalin sarili ko!
Ano ba naman kasing katangahan tong pinasok ko?! Kung sasagutin ko lang naman pala sya e di sana nung January ko pa ginawa, hindi iyong isang linggong pag-ibig lang!
Jaxx picked me up Sunday morning and we heard the 11 AM mass that my family usually attended. Kinakabahan siya when I walked in on him sin the sala.
"Why are you so nervous?"
"I don't know. It's just that, it's the first time we'll hear mass together as, you know, you and I."
"Magsisimba lang tayo, hindi tayo ikakasal!" I hit his arm playfully as he stood up. He didn't even flinch.
"And I'm afraid of your mom."
"Well isn't it your lucky day, Mr. Jackson? Wala sina Mom and Dad, they left for the States yesterday. Birthday ni Addie." I walked past him and he let out a big sigh of relief.
We had lunch at one of the American restaurants Chino's parents owned, after which we decided na uwi na lang kami after mag take out ng coffee. We were both still tired from playing at Camachile Sky last night and all I wanted to do was lounge around and watch a good show.
We settled sa entertainment room nila Jaxx. Jaxx sat at the far end of the couch and I made myself comfortable stretching out in the rest of it and resting my head on his lap. He was channel surfing and we ended up watching reruns of "Would I Lie To You". He has a knack for English talk shows, sit coms, and series. I guess that's why his humor is dry and silly.
His right hand rested on the side of my waist and I covered it with mine, interlacing our fingers. Tahimik lang kaming nanunood and after a while, I knew he wasn't paying attention anymore kasi hindi na sya tumatawa. I turned my head to look at him. Sensing my movement, he looked back at me and smiled.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yeah. Are you?"
"Yeah. Just thinking."
"About?"
"Nothing important." He smiled gently and ruffled my hair with his other hand. He rubbed his thumb against the back of my hand and looked back at the screen. Whatever he was thinking, I knew it was important otherwise he would not be staring blankly at the TV. He was usually a smooth talker but this time his eyes gave him away.
And because awkward naman na kami, I decided to make the most of the situation and bring up the dreaded topic: LDR.
"Jaxx, do you think we can do this?" I asked.
"Of course we can." He answered a bit sadly while fiddling with my hand, this time he was looking at our interlaced fingers.
"You'll leave a week from now." I whispered, realizing na ang lapit nya na palang umalis. Napaupo ako bigla, and held my fingers against my lips. Oh no, I have to stock up on Mighty Bond already para sa puso ko.
"It's still seven days from now. Stop worrying. It's not like we're breaking up, Cara, come on. We can do this. Have faith." He pulled my hand from my mouth and kissed it. He was so confident about this nahiya naman ako sa doubts ko.
"I'm not saying you should not be sad because lord knows I get miserable just thinking of the time away from you and how difficult it will be because I can't just drive to Valle. And we have a thirteen hour time difference. But if we're willing to work on that, we will be able to pull this off." he pulled me to his chest and kissed the top of my head. "I really want this to work, Cara. I want us to work."
"I want that, too. It's just that the fear of the unknown scares me, all the 'what ifs'."
"What 'what if' are you so afraid of? Maybe I can help."
"Wag na. I'm just being silly and pessimistic." I felt small talking to him about my fears. He seemed so sure that we will be just fine na dapat hindi na rin ako matakot.
"Come on. Tell me" he prodded. He pushed me back to my seat and stared at me until bumigay ako.
"What if we'll become so busy with our lives, like you and your studies, and me and residency. You know how it is pag residente, I'm at the hospital almost 24/7."
He turned his body towards me and took my nervous hand.
"That's what we're expecting, that's not a 'what if'. That's a when. It will happen. And when it does, we'll have to compromise and set a time that's workable for both of us. Cara, we don't have to see each other daily if hindi kaya ng schedule. I won't feel bad if we can't video call each other and sleep thru the call til morning. I have accepted that that's not possible because we live in different time zones." he chuckled.
"Just don't neglect me. A simple text, Viber, or email would be enough for me. I'm not high-maintenance, love. Don't forget about me or push me away." He looked at me pagkatapos niyang magsalita with so much honesty and gentleness.
He really did not ask for much. In fact, he was so understanding sa situation ko. He knew what it would be like for me once magre-residency na ako. My dad had given him an overview of what a surgical resident's life is like, especially during the first two years: non-existent. He said it would be okay kasi nga hindi naman sya nagdedemand that we spend every waking moment together. He would be busy as well and he did not want any undue pressure on me or from me.
"Ano pa?" he asked me again.
"What if you won't come back for a long time?"
"You know it's going to be difficult to say how often I can fly back home. I can't promise na after each semester I'll be back. But I promise to try. In fact, I promise to try to be home as often as I can, kahit in between sems, if possible. Okay?" he smiled as he comforted me. He was still holding my hand and he was caressing it with his thumb.
"What if.. what if you find someone else there?" my voice quivered. I pouted my lips to try to hide the reality that I was really scared that it might happen.
He laughed lightly and pulled me back to his chest. I adjusted myself so I can rest my head on his chest comfortably.
"I knew you were going to ask that. But that should be the least of your worries. You're the one I want, you're the one I'm with. My girlfriend is you. My heart belongs to you and you alone. And my eyes and my goals are set on you. I would not spare anyone else there, or even here, a second look. I think you should know by now how loyal I am."
I was comforted with his declaration and I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I smiled against his chest and kissed it in appreciation as he stroked my hair. He rested his head on top of mine and I sighed.
Jaxx was indeed very loyal to his friends and his lovers. Well, to Grace. For the longest time that he was on-and-off with Grace, he never had anyone in between, to my knowledge at least. He did not "play the field" until he realized that she was not being serious with him and that they really are not together. But until recently, he still gladly went out with Grace.
Speaking of Grace, pano kung andun sya bigla sa States to get Jaxx? Would he be able to resist her?
"What about Grace?" I asked out of the blue, breaking our comfortable silence. He tensed at the mention of her but quickly recovered and answered by question.
"She's someone you should not worry about, too. Well, at least if you're thinking I would cheat on you with her. But just be careful. Let's be careful in dealing with her. We know what she did to Seb and Chloe, and I wouldn't put it past her if she pulled the same thing on us. I don't want that to happen to us." I shook my head on his chest in agreement.
Of course, she was manipulative and she could drive a wedge between people if she wanted to. Hindi nya nga ako pinatulog ng ilang gabi with what she said. Because of her I doubted Jaxx's intentions and sincerity, without her having to tell me anything. She had a way of leading you on, then leave you hanging. Then bahala ka na sa buhay mo what you're going to do with yourself. She just plants the seeds of doubts and lets you cultivate and reap it.
"Is there anything else?"
"None, for now, sir."
"Can I ask something of you?" He asked.
"Sure."
"Whatever happens, please hear me out first. Ask me, listen to my side before you make any judgments."
"Okay..." Nabigla ako sa sinabi niya.
"Cara, I'm serious. I wouldn't lie to you. So please, hear me out before you make any decision." He peeled me off his chest and looked at me with pleading eyes.
"Is there something you'd like to tell me jaxx? May tinatago ka ba?"
"No. I just. I just don't want to end up like Seb. Promise me, please?"
"Okay Jaxx, I promise."
--
The last week passed by quickly and before we knew it, it was Jaxx's last Friday. He still had work in the office; he refused to take an earlier leave. His bags were packed, arrangement for this condo and the dues were made. Ace and I had duplicate sets of his keys.
I was getting ready to go to their office when I got a message from Val. She finished out-patient clinics early and she wanted to hang out in the area. I told her that I was on my way to Makati and we decided to meet up in her favorite cronuts place in Rada Street.
Val was already seated in a corner when I arrived and may cronut and coffee na sya. I was about to order when the lady behind the counter told me na nag-order na si Val for me and that my food would be served shortly.
"How are you?" bungad ni Val sa akin.
"Okay for now. Holding on. What's up? Oh wait, what did you get me?" I told her as I sat on the chair across her.
"Secret. It'll be here soon." Val replied chirpily and I rolled my eyes playfully.
"So anyway, I know Jaxx doesn't want us at the airport para may privacy kayo when you guys are going to go all lovey-dovey, but our offer still stands na we'll all send him off. Personally, I think I should be there in case you breakdown and won't be able to drive home." She said matter-of-factly, taking a sip of her brewed coffee. "I can wait in the car. Wag lang kayo masyadong matagal, pumapatak ang metro."
I laughed at her last statement but considered the rest of what she said. My iced latte and pastry arrived just in time.
"It's true, baka hindi na ako makapagdrive pauwi kaiiyak. Kulang na lang ulan. Ano nga ba ang weather forecast on Sunday? Baka pwede pang taping for the next love team." I deadpanned. "But seriously, I think you'd better be there. Otherwise, I have a feeling na baka sa airport ako matulog that night."
"I bet. Anyway, is Jaxx coming here after work? Kasi I just spoke with Seb before you got here and he wanted to hang out din later after our coffee date."
"San?" I started nibbling on my Nutella Danish.
"German club. You know that guy is always thirsty. But I supposed he'd be okay to stay here if you're ok with that as well. Di ko feel uminom tonight. Have an early conference tomorrow kahit na Sabado."
"Okay, I'll tell Jaxx. Here na lang, tayo, I don't want to transfer na."
"'Here na lang tayo'? Do you even hear yourself, girl? Para ka nang si Jaxx magsalita. St. Bede, save us!" she dropped her fork her plate and looked up to the ceiling with praying hands as I laughed.
After a few hours, Jaxx showed up for dinner with Ace. Seb joined us half an hour later.
Seb insisted that we all send off Jaxx, to which he just grunted and shook his head.
"Okay, I guess that's a yes, then?"
"Wag na. Okay lang talaga. It's a Monday, you guys have work or something."
I think he did not want to make it so emotional because it made the distance and the time away more real. Honestly, I don't know how much more real it can get that it already is. No matter how hard we will try to deny it, Monday was real, Wharton was real, the MBA was real, and the thirteen-hour time difference was real.
And so were we. We were real, Jaxx and I. We were together, and the past two hundred and sixteen hours were so real. What I felt for him was real no matter how hard tried to push it away and deny it. Buti nalang natauhan ako and I accepted that the truth was I loved Jaxx.
I rode with Seb going home that night. Jaxx and Ace needed to finish something at the office and I was going to see him over the weekend anyway. And I needed to control my separation anxiety.
Seb was his usual chatty self despite having a full dinner and several glasses of iced tea. For a moment I feared he might go into a food coma seeing he ate a lot.
"Ang swerte mo talaga you can eat anything you like and not worry about getting fat." I blurted as I stared at him from the passenger seat. He was in the middle of a story and my comment had absolutely nothing to do with it.
"What? Nakikinig ka ba sakin or were you just admiring my six pack and guns?" he cockily wiggled his eyebrows at me.
"Oh please, I've seen better." I rolled my eyes.
"Excuse me! Mas maganda abs ko kaysa kay Jaxx, no. Don't think I don't know that."
It was true but he was also very conceited about it. "How do you even know? Nagco-compare ba kayo ng abs while you're at the gym?"
"What? No! Kadiri, ano ba."
Seb shifted the conversation once again to something else that did not involve him, Jaxx, and going to the gym.
I thanked him for the ride as he parked in front of our house. I stepped out of the car and just as I was about to shut the door, he called me.
"Cara!"
"Yes?"
"You guys can do this. Don't worry too much. Andito lang kami for you and for Jaxx. Alright?"
My heart warmed with Seb's encouragement. He may be all goofy and happy but Seb does have a heart of gold. I'm glad he was my friend. Tears welled up in my eyes so I mumbled a quick thanks and shut the door. He waited for me to get inside the gate before he left.