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Aarna:
"What!" Exclaiming, he stumbled back a little, making me release a mirthless laugh.
"Yes, I am a murderer. Though it wasn't an intentional one. I am still a murderer. So tell me, do you still want to be with me?" I asked him in a monotonous tone, preparing my heart to face yet another rejection.
He looked at me intently for a while but what he said had completely caught me off guard.
"Why won't I? Did these people here call you that? So what if you are one, it's all in the past. If these people here make you remind about that bitter thing, let's go from here. I swear, I won't let them make you feel like one. Let's go to our home."
Saying these words, he tried to pull me as I smiled lightly at him. Instead of standing up, I patted the space beside me, gesturing him to sit.
Releasing a sigh, he settled himself beside me and took my hand into his to apply the ointment as I was watching every change in his expression carefully. The concern, the care, the love, I can see all of them swirling in his eyes but do I actually deserve all of them?
"Is it okay to be selfish?" I asked as he looked at me for a quiet second before shifting back his attention to my hand. I averted my gaze from him to the blank sky.
"It's perfectly alright to be selfish. It's perfectly alright to wish for something, to dream of someone, to put our happiness before anyone's. We are no saints and we are bound to be selfish at some or another point in life." He said in a calm tone as his entire concentration was on my hand.
"Even after knowing that people are suffering because of our unintentional mistake?" This he kept the tube aside and fixed his gaze on me.
"You, yourself said that it was an unintentional mistake. So why punish ourselves for the thing whose happening was out of our power? Being living with the guilt itself is the biggest punishment. So what's the need to sacrifice even the little things which will keep us sane among all this turmoil?" He questioned me with a slight smile and wrapped his arm around my shoulders before pulling me close to him.
Leaning into his warm embrace, I decided to pour my heart and place all my past in front of him.
"Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She was loved by everyone, especially by her parents. They always put her first in front of their happiness. Life was so good and it became much better when that little girl came to know that she was going to became an elder sister. The whole family was ready to welcome the new member into their humble abode. Their happiness knew no bounds but it was all got snatched away within a blink of an eye.
"A little innocent mistake by that little girl costed the life of an innocent who didn't get a chance to take a breath on this earth. Her little mistake costed her sister to suffer all her life. Her little mistake made her mom succumb to the hell hole called depression. Her little mistake snatched the peace, happiness, joy..everything leaving all of them to become the victims of self-blame and self-loathing." I told him as if I was explaining a tale. His hold on me got tight and I sat there emotionlessly as all the memories of my childhood started playing in front of my eyes.
"You might have grasped the whole thing..right. I heard my grandma talking to Peddhamma about this whole thing, one day. It seemed that mom was seven months pregnant. From what I have heard, I just returned from grandma's house and went to my parent's room. There was my mom lying on her bed. In the excitement to meet her and tell her all the stories, I jumped on her, not knowing that my silly act would turn into a grave blunder.
" Immediately mom started screaming in pain. Though I was unaware of the whole situation, I rushed outside the room to call everyone. Soon she was sent to the hospital. Delivery became too complicated as she had already lost too much blood. When it was a situation to choose between the mother and the children, the doctors did their best to save the three. Ohh. I forgot to tell you, mom was pregnant with twins. But swaru was the only one who managed to survive, that too she was born suffering from cerebral palsy which is the reason for her current situation."
"Everything started from there. Mom fell into a deep depression and always tried to stay out of everyone's reach but she never ignored taking care of Swaru though and would always avoid looking after me. As the result, I was somewhat felt neglected but trust me, dad never made me feel so. He knew I was a child and I didn't commit that grave sin intentionally. I am really grateful for that but the child's heart wouldn't understand all these things...right?
"Regardless of what's happening, I always crave for my mom's love. Whenever she feeds swaru, I wished for her to feed me like that. As a child, I didn't know why the mom who used to shower me with so much love, now not even sparing me a glance. I used to cry and throw tantrums in front of my dad but he always pacified me by giving me the treats, instead of telling me the harsh truth.
"But as I grew up, I understand few things though I was unaware of the truth. I stopped voicing out my needs. I stopped asking for the things I wished to have. I simply became an emotionless doll. Seeing my behavior, dad and mom always got into arguments. He used to shout at my mom to stop behaving like that but she would remain in her own world. Once, during an argument, I heard my dad shouting at my mom that he would leave her and take me away with him when she was still not reacting to anything.
" I thought my dad was serious about leaving my mom and it was all happening because of me..right. So I again started pretending like I was so happy, I started to mask my pain with a smile. Believe me, I never once cried in front of them after then. I pretended to be cheery but deep down, you knew, a child in me was long dead. I was forced to become mature for my age. I forced myself to understand this world.
"As the days passed by, Dad eventually, started taking me to Daksha Akka's house. I spent my whole childhood in their house only. My aunt and uncle treated me just like their own child and Daksha akka and Adi Anna became more of my siblings.
"The thing which I couldn't get at my house, I got it from them. Still, it was never compared to mother's love..right but I managed to convince my heart with the truth.
" when Indra anna's family got settled here permanently, I heard my grandma explaining that happening to peddhamma. That was when I came to know about my not-so-innocent mistake.
"Even now also, my whole family still pretends as if nothing had happened in the past and always turns a blind eye to the tension between my mom and me but did they know, their way of keeping me in dark like they don't want me to get hurt makes me feel even guiltier than I was? Why don't they tell me about all this thing instead of keeping it a secret?"
"If it was not for me to hear it accidentally, believe me, I never would have caught a whiff of it. That much of good actors they all are. They are thinking that they are protecting me but no, they are causing me more harm. Because of it, I started self-loathing. Sometimes I even thought of ending my life, to put an end to this endless misery but I can't. I might be a silly person but I wasn't too silly to even end my life.
" But..but..things were never easy for me, Dhruv. I started feeling like I was a stranger in my own house. Believe me, I didn't even know the basic things that a thirteen years old girl should know. When I had my first period, nobody was there at home. I was scared out of my wits, witnessing the blood. I went to the garden and kept on crying, thinking that I was going to die.
"That was when the security uncle saw me and understanding my situation, he called his wife. She helped me with the things and then called Daksha's akka's family. That moment I felt so unwanted and I thought no one would care for me even if I die at that moment but Daksha akka and yuktha akka despite having their tenth boards, they accompanied me whilst preparing for their exams.
"They stood beside me when I needed them the most. From then on they never left my side. Everyone questions me why I like them more than my family? How can I not when they became a mother figure in my life when my own mother refuses to take a glance at me? Adi Anna literally became my eldest brother who would never let me cry over even for a little thing.
" I knew I did a mistake but aren't I suffering enough? How much more do I have to suffer? Only I knew how I was dying from inside. I can't even ask for forgiveness because in their opinion I knew nothing about that incident." Saying this, I cried in his arms as he silently accompanied me by lending his shoulder.
"If my little brother was alive today, I am sure he must be the naughtiest guy and today, he would be celebrating his day with all of us. You would have a brother-in-law who would tease the hell out of us. He might be so annoying yet protective at the same time...right. God!! How did I even do that? How could I? Life would be so different with him around us but I spoiled it with my own hands."
I gasped, suddenly understanding my mom's pain. She might have so many dreams regarding her children but I spoiled all of them..right!!
" Thinking of all these, no wonder mom would never love me. Heck! Who would even like a person who snatched the beautiful part of their lives? If I were to be a mother, even I wouldn't forgive them. Then why am I even hoping for my mom to forgive me? No no. What she is doing is correct.
"Dhruv!! Let's go from here. I can't. Why haven't I ever thought in this way? I don't want to bring back those memories to her. If possible, from now on, I will never show my face to her. I will stay as far as possible from her sight." My voice became muffled as I started crying on his chest.
I could feel him shifting me closer to him and he started patting my back.
"Ssh. Calm down. Don't cry. If no one loves you, I will be there to provide you with all the love. If no one wants you, I will be there to take care of you all my life. You have me..right? I will never leave you." He said as if he was cajoling a child.
Amidst all this, hearing his words, I lifted my head with the hopeful eyes which were dampened with the tears and asked him in a hopeful tone. "Promise?"
"It's a promise. I will never leave your side. Now stop crying." He said, cupping my cheeks and wiping my tears.
"Good. Dare you to go back on your words, you will get a huge bulging belly." I told him in a low tone as all these happenings took too much toll on me.
"Sure. Sure. I don't want to have a family pack." He said pretending to be scared as I chuckled a little and hugged his waist, resting my head again on his chest as he started caressing my hair, I thought to voice out my another insecurity.
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